More threads by chell


My Ex and l have had no contact at all in the months since we broke up and suddenly now he has popped up into my head. l am not going to act on it but , in my head l have been thinking alot about him lately and just wondered is this normal to think like this?


David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Just as every relationship is different, every separation is a little bit different too. I would expect that this would depend on the circumstances for the separation and how the process of separation went.

One of the things I often say is that when a relationship ends there are two somewhat separate grieving processes:

1. Grieving for the relationship, what it turned out to be and what it meant to you.

2. Grieving for the dream - what you hoped the relationship would be when it began.

Perhaps what's surfacing now is the memories of the dream rather than the reality of what the relationship actually was.


Yes, l think you are right. l am thinking now that l wonder if he sees that what he did was wrong in how he treated myself and my daughter and he misses us and in being the man l met, (not the man he became) that he would come around to his senses and realize how much he does love me.

I know in my head he was emotionally abusive and so subtle about it , l did not even realize it was being done to me and when the Therapist pointed out certain ways he said things, l was just shocked how he basically manipulated situations in which to humiliate me or embarass me without my knowledge. He was also very verbally abusive at times.

I guess this is part of the grieving process, l miss the man who l met who never seemed to get enough of me and can't find enough to blame me for in the break up of our relationship. The Psychiatrist said he finds it easier to place the blame on me rather than except any himself.

lt is the dreams we had l am grieving for. Thank you for pointing this out to me.
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