I have a diagnosis of bulimia and anerexia. I have been so ill. I have lost 80 pounds in a few month span. And I can't stop, or I don't want to stop. My doctor realized that something was wrong. I finally told him a couple of months ago, after going in to see him constantly with throat, chest infections. He did my blood work to find that my electrolites were in danger. He admitted me for IV treatments. I only stayed in for a few days.
I have been seeing him every second day with intake of fluids for him so he can monitor. My fluid dropped down to 500-600ml a day. Any little food I threw up and then took a whack of laxatives to feel like I accomplished something. I have been doing this on and off for many years, not dead yet, so whats the worry. I stopped seeing my doctor. I pushed away all of my friends. I refused a therapist. I want to be this person. I want to feel the pain of starvation. Because when I look in the mirror, I hate who I see. I want to break every darn thing that shows any reflection of this ugly girl. I am 29 years old. Maybe this "friend" that I love so much will take this soul and let me be free, have the peace that I long for.
I feel so sad. The despair has my spirit and mind. It hurts more with this feeling then my body wanting to finally shut down. I am a terrible person, I truly am. My mother is dying of cancer, I have two beautiful children, and I want to find this peace. I have never been a selfish person, but have suddenly become one. I wish I could give my mom my life. She wants to live, she is a fighter. And all I feel is uncontrollable will to leave this place of unforgivness.
Haunting.
I have been seeing him every second day with intake of fluids for him so he can monitor. My fluid dropped down to 500-600ml a day. Any little food I threw up and then took a whack of laxatives to feel like I accomplished something. I have been doing this on and off for many years, not dead yet, so whats the worry. I stopped seeing my doctor. I pushed away all of my friends. I refused a therapist. I want to be this person. I want to feel the pain of starvation. Because when I look in the mirror, I hate who I see. I want to break every darn thing that shows any reflection of this ugly girl. I am 29 years old. Maybe this "friend" that I love so much will take this soul and let me be free, have the peace that I long for.
I feel so sad. The despair has my spirit and mind. It hurts more with this feeling then my body wanting to finally shut down. I am a terrible person, I truly am. My mother is dying of cancer, I have two beautiful children, and I want to find this peace. I have never been a selfish person, but have suddenly become one. I wish I could give my mom my life. She wants to live, she is a fighter. And all I feel is uncontrollable will to leave this place of unforgivness.
Haunting.