Killing myself with this so called disorder

[haunting]

I have a diagnosis of bulimia and anerexia. I have been so ill. I have lost 80 pounds in a few month span. And I can't stop, or I don't want to stop. My doctor realized that something was wrong. I finally told him a couple of months ago, after going in to see him constantly with throat, chest infections. He did my blood work to find that my electrolites were in danger. He admitted me for IV treatments. I only stayed in for a few days.

I have been seeing him every second day with intake of fluids for him so he can monitor. My fluid dropped down to 500-600ml a day. Any little food I threw up and then took a whack of laxatives to feel like I accomplished something. I have been doing this on and off for many years, not dead yet, so whats the worry. I stopped seeing my doctor. I pushed away all of my friends. I refused a therapist. I want to be this person. I want to feel the pain of starvation. Because when I look in the mirror, I hate who I see. I want to break every darn thing that shows any reflection of this ugly girl. I am 29 years old. Maybe this "friend" that I love so much will take this soul and let me be free, have the peace that I long for.

I feel so sad. The despair has my spirit and mind. It hurts more with this feeling then my body wanting to finally shut down. I am a terrible person, I truly am. My mother is dying of cancer, I have two beautiful children, and I want to find this peace. I have never been a selfish person, but have suddenly become one. I wish I could give my mom my life. She wants to live, she is a fighter. And all I feel is uncontrollable will to leave this place of unforgivness.

Haunting.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My mother is dying of cancer, I have two beautiful children, and I want to find this peace. I have never been a selfish person, but have suddenly become one. I wish I could give my mom my life. She wants to live, she is a fighter. And all I feel is uncontrollable will to leave this place of unforgivness.

Are you seeing or have you seen a therapist? I don't mean to disparage anything your doctor is trying to do but he/she may not have the necessary training to help you will all of the things you are struggling with currently.

There is help, though... and I think you are here because part of you would like to feel better. And maybe because you know your children need you...

Let me know what part of Canada you are in... I may be able to find some resources for you.

And go back to your doctor... you cannot afford to get any sicker or lose any more weight.

 

[jubjub]

I can truly understand wanting to die, Haunting. I have been there many times myself. I've also asked God to take my life from me many times if it will mean that someone more worthy will be spared, because I feel so useless sometimes and like I am just taking up space in this world for no good reason.

Why do you want to die, Haunting?

 

[haunting]

Reply

Dr. Baxter;

Yes I have seen a therapist. My other reply explained some of this. Between my t falling asleep and my pdoc being, well, a jerk; I gave up. As to continuing with the medical end, no I don't think this is what I want. I have made a plan to continue to lose weight. 2 pounds a day, which has been successful so far. I have lost 6lbs in 3 days and am happy about this. I don't want to stop losing weight, I am in control of this and like it.

Part of me wants to get better, but only for my kids. I truly don't want to be here anymore, but if I wanted this, I would not be on this forum at this time. My babies have been through a tremendous amount of pain already. Their father was abusive towards them, this is why I finally left him. He almost killed me when he stangled me, beat my head into a wall over and over again. We are now divorced. He had primary care of our kids simply because the justice system sucks; lol. Put it this way, I have a mental illess, limited finances, and have attempted suicide more than once. His family is extremely wealthy. He won the battle, but I never gave up, and I won the war. My children are now with me, where they feel safe. I will do anything in my power to make sure they are provided for, if indeed I do die.

((jubjub)), sounds like you are really having a rough time. I am sorry to see this pain. From what I see here, you are so worth being here with us. I will read some of your posts, would like to learn more about you. I do hope you feel better, suffering is just not the fair part of life, is it?

There are many reasons for my want to die. I find it hard to hold the memories that I do have. I had a traumatic childhood, continued into my adolesence. And now of course, my adult years. I suppose the feeling of everything constantly driving me insane, not wanting this anymore. The one and only reason that I am still here, my beautiful children whom I adore with my heart and soul. They are without a doubt, my shining stars to my dark days and nights. I long for their hugs and kisses when the world seems to be crashing down all around me. They are out of town right now, and I miss them dearly. I wish they could have the mother they deserve, they are wonderful souls. I am not the one that they deserve, they need more than this. I often think that they would be better off without me, as for the rest of the unlucky ones that cross my path. For me jubjub, its the feeling of despair, hate of myself, the failure I see in that mirror, and the selfish person I have become.

So what about you?

Haunting

 

[haunting]

Thoughts

My doctor that has tried beyond words to get through to me, he is a gp. He is not qualified to deal with all of this. He is the type of person that I have seen get teary when I talk. He is amazing, a kind hearted loving man. This is the main reason why I pushed him away. He refers often to his dad dying of kidney failure, and he begs me to help him help me. He does not want to see me die of this nasty disease. I can't do this to the ones who reach out so desperately. But like I told him, "How can you help someone who does not want help." The expression on his face was enough to make me back away, I never want to hurt others with my stupidity.

May I ask others here, does the feeling of starving feel so much better than having any little morsal of food inside? The panick of actually drinking so much as an ounce of liquid repulses me. I tried to eat something last night, after my casino trip. I gagged, spit it out. Then I panicked cause it may have gotten into my body. I took several appetite suppressants, and laxatives to boot. I think in 5 days, I have held down a minimal handful of salad. And how disgusted I was within myself. Liquids have been hard as well. I enjoy coffee, only coffee. But even this tends to be "brought back up". Yes, how disgusting am I? I am surprised to even keep in the 400-500 of fluids a day. But I feel safe with my laxatives, I take these anytime I drink.

I truly like the feeling of being hungry, I don't admit to being hungry to anyone. Whats the point of eating, then purging it anyway? So my hands can look like they are completely dried out, they should fall off at any given time. The mess they are in. The startling sight of blood that often comes with. The pain afterwards, nah, no thanks.

I know how pathetic I must sound. I apologize for the negativity. But its so real to me, makes so much sense. I have accepted me to be the way I am. I won't change this part of what makes sense in this confused mind of mine.

Anyone else have this same feeling?

Haunting

 

[jubjub]

I feel much the same inside as you feel, Haunting. The way I handled life's problems was to OVEReat, anything and everything, because food supplied the only comfort and enjoyment I had in life. It was compulsive and done without actually acknowledging why until recently. It is strange to think that your extreme and mine are actually the result of a similar cause, that being a lousy life, a lot of which we didn't cause. You are about 20 some odd years younger than I am, and I hope you can find the help you need now, so that you can live the rest of your years in a happy and meaningful way.

I, too, am a terribly amusing and goofy person when I get going. I would say people in a social setting enjoy being around me. But they don't know, when I am alone, how empty and unfulfilled I feel inside, how I fear that they will find out things about my personal life and lifstyle that would change their opinion of me if they knew. I try not to develop relationships with other people that one would call "close".

I am working hard at changing my eating habits and gaining more self confidence, and I am succeeding. But that little lost, lonely kid will always be inside of me, crying out desperately for understanding, help and acceptance. I can't seem to shake that part of my existence at all.

Are you familiar with the saying "I think, therefore I am."? For you, could it be "I don't eat, therefore I am NOT."? This probably sounds totally screwy, but this comparison just crossed my mind.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I feel that way too a lot. I am 35. Gulp. And I started purging when I was about 14. My grandfather was very sick that summer and my mom was gone a lot and there were other stressful things going on. I decided I needed to lose weight. So I starved and purged for the next few years. I was hospitalized when I was 17 and again when I was 19. I have gone through other starving times but have never been hospitalized again and never want to be. I like the starving feeling too, but HATE feeling weak so I am trying not to go back there. I still do struggle with many aspects of it. It has wrecked my metabolism and my heart does weird things sometimes. I used to be able to mulitiply three digit numbers by three digit numbers in my head, but I lost that ability a long time ago. I really think it has had a huge impact on my health and fertility and caused very painful problems with that. It's part of me, unwelcome though it may be.

I don't think you sound pathetic at all. I think this is a good place to vent those thoughts and feelings you have.

Janet

 

[haunting]

Thanks u two; My heart goes out to u

Wow jubjub, how similar our thoughts are. It amazes me.

The person that we refer to as to whom we used to be; I really miss her. And it seems as though u do too. I don't want to have anyone close to me, eventually I will take them down with me, thats the last thing I want to do. I can't stand seeing others in pain, especially from my doing.

I used be so full of life, energy and laughter. Where did she go? All this other stuff finally caught up to me and took that woman away. So my faith in finding her; well it left when she did. Now I am this reflection that I can't stand to see.

I feel for you so dearly. I too have that lost little child inside. How scared she is, its just so dark in that place. I hear people say, "Theres a light at the end of the tunnel." All I see is the darn train coming at me, full speed ahead. I think, what light, oh you mean the speeding bullet. How terrible to think, I know, but these are my thoughts. I am sorry that you have and still go through all of this. I am sending u my compassion (if thats okay). You seem like a wonderful person, who deserves so much more.

I really like how you put the quote; " I don't eat, therefore I am not."? How true this is. That one hit home, wow. Not screwy at all, opposite.

janetr; you have had much struggle with this. Yes, hospitalization is not fun. Honestly, I don't think such an evasive way is the answer. Especially when the lack of understanding is with this disorder. I was recently in the h with this, and I could not wait to get out. How terrible it was. They were flat out mean. How can one get through this when these people don't have a clue? All they did is make me feel guilty to the point of wanting to jump out the window. Was not sure which was worse. So I lied. I dumped the liquids they wanted me to drink and pretended I drank it. I don't like to lie, don't get me wrong. But the lack of training was really frustrating.

I have had problems with my heart and liver. I am constantly in pain, ever muscle hurts, headaches beyond words, plain simple pain. But..... this is me. I know I am in trouble now. The dizziness is bad. Room spins, turns almost black at times. I find getting up is the worst time for this. Heart palputations; u know; all the stuff that reminds us that we are ill.

Thanks for the replies. This is such a debilitating illness, isn't it? Wishing u well.

Haunting

 

[jubjub]

It is hard for me to imagine not wanting to eat food, but I do understand, although it is the opposite of my problem. For instance, I don't know why, but I believe that stress and fatigue caused by worrying about my job over the past few weeks and getting the flu shot two weeks ago caused me to break out in a horrible viral infection on my face all around my mouth. I left work on Wednesday afternoon with all the skin peeling off around my mouth and weeping 1 inch square sores and went to the doctor's office, but I couldn't see him until the following day. He diagnosed an extreme viral infection, but since I was already using some fucidin ointment I had left over from another rash and was taking some tetracyclin I had been keeping in the fridge already, he didn't prescribe anything but told me to stay home until Monday and gave me a doctor's return to work certificate. So here I am, with this horrible, weeping rash all around my mouth (it's a bit better today!) and feeling very ugly and sorry for myself. I ate a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli COLD, about 4 slices of cooked ham, three cups of jello with Cool Whip, corn bran squares with berries (well, I started out the day in a nutritious fashion!), crackers with cheese whiz, and a chocolate bar! I have not been a good girl today when it comes to sticking to my healthful food routine! Oh well, back to the diet tomorrow!

Have you ever tried counting calories or trying, for instance, the GI diet? It includes a lot of natural foods, you will feel better and you absolutely WILL NOT gain any weight. You could even eat LESS than the diet allows, (I do most of the time), but at least you would be getting something inside of you so you won't faint in public. That would be one less thing to worry about. It's hard to keep a single positive thought in your head or even have any hope if you are undernourished and in constant pain.

I have to go off line now, but when I come back here tomorrow, I'd like to hear of something positive you did to get yourself through the night! Please!

I'll check back tomorrow, promise.

Anna

 

[haunting]

Awww, thanks again. Don't be too hard on yourself with the food. Yes, we are opposite with this but its so simlar.

Its food in general, does not matter what it is. Even when I do try to eat, its normally veggies, maybe fruit. Sometimes crackers. But thats about it. And it does not stay down. I may eat once or twice in a weeks span. I have gone for several days without food. When I do eat, like I say, does not stay down. This is the part that is gross, the part of me I really hate to admit.

I have never been someone to binge eat in my process of the bulimia end. I have maybe binged a few times; being a regular large meal to someone else; but seems huge to me. It truly hurts to eat. My tummy just can't handle food at all, even liquids hurt as well. I can eat the smallest thing; and wow I would think I just ate a horse; lol. Honestly, thats what it feels like.

So I much rather not bother with the food. It seems pointless to go through the cycle of trying to eat, gagging, and throwing up. How lovely hey. I mean I tried to eat a few peanuts that are in the house, my kids love them, and I am not kidding, I litterally gagged and had to spit it out. No way was that going to go down too good. I find at times I don't have to force this, I just get ill. Strange how it works.

Catch u tomorrow my dear. Hope u have a good night.

Haunting.

 

[Ash]

The light's there, dear, and it's not necessarily from the headlights of the train!

 

[haunting]

Sorry, had to giggle. Thats just what comes to mind when I hear someone say, "there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

I don't normally admit my thoughts on that one. I mean who wants to hear negative comments like that when they are trying to help. I usually just smile. Ha, I used to have this key chain that said, "I smile because I have NO IDEA what's going on." hehe. My doctor I used to have before I moved here, he loved that key chain. He said it suited me because I smiled so much, but he did think I was too intellegent for this message. He laughed at it though. I sure miss him, what an awsome man!!

I wish I still had him. He was so compassionate. He was just my GP but he helped more than anyone. He even called my mom on more than one occasion to talk about what was happening with my depression. (I gave him permission). They talked for 2 hours the first two times they spoke, and he gave her his phone number so she could call anytime. (he was cute too; lol)

Haunting

 

[ThatLady]

Haunting, dear...I'd like to ask you a personal favor, even though you don't know me (nor I you) from beans. You say your mother is battling cancer. That is a terrible, stress-filled thing for her, for you, and for all involved. Just the existence of something so dreadful in your life is going to make everything seem worse.

As the mother of a bipolar alcoholic, who has made several suicide attempts (my daughter, not I), I would ask that you put your self-loathing aside for a bit; put yourself on the back burner, so to speak. Right now, you are needed by your mother. She needs your love, as she gave you hers for all those years. She needs you to be there for her, as she was there for you.

Get some help for yourself, hon, so that you can help her through these trying times. If starving to death is truly what you MUST do, it will wait, will it not? I'll not presume to tell you what you feel, or how you should feel about what you feel. However, as a mother, I would ask that you give yourself to the task of supporting the person who has loved you, and will always love you, more than anything, or anyone, in the world.

My mother is spending her last years on this earth here, in my home, with me. Believe me, it has given me a whole new perspective on who I am and why I'm here. Sometimes, if we take our thoughts off of ourselves and place them on someone else, we find the world around us changes for the better. That light glowing at the end of that tunnel is not, in fact, a train. It is the smile of one you love, and who loves you.

 

[Sonz]

Haunting, wow, reading your posts really scared me and made me feel glad that I have finally been able to keep this under control for almost three months now. Im surprised your poor health hasn’t scared you straight, that’s what happened to me, I have to wear a heart monitor all the time because of my palpitations. It made me so terrified of dying and every time it would happen I would imagine what would happen to everyone around me and all the things I miss out on, getting married having kids grandkids. That was finally enough for me to stop after so many years when I decided losing 5 or ten pounds wasn’t worth it. Even though I stopped and gained a little bit of weight Im still not fat, well… more then Id like but I want to lose it the right way.
Sometimes I still really want to do it soooo bad but instead I sit there and cry. I still look at those skinny girls around school and get upset. My boyfriend has a new secretary and I cant stand how thin she is. I cant stand that my roommates eat anything and everything and look great. I cant stand that I cant fit into all my clothes.
I have to agree with ThatLady, start thinking about your family, you said you love your kids and mom, don’t leave them especially this way. As a daughter Im telling you not to make your kids continue to grow without a mom. Start thinking rational about what youre doing to yourself and family. Its not worth it.