Lack of relationships...

[Madjai]

Hi there,

Okay, as stated in my introduction, Im 21 years old, male and in University. Lets get a little more specific to my problem by going back a bit. My highschool social life was next to nil. I spent grade 7-OAC doing absolutely nothing memorable. I had a few good school friends, but nothing outside of school. I spent my free time playing computer games and... well thats mostly it. I left what few friends I had in highschool the day I graduated. I entered college a fresh start. And there I met the best friends a guy could ask for. These were fun and interesting guys. They went out partying, hung around, drank and just plain had fun. I'll probably have these guys as friends for the rest of my life. I did more in those 2 years than all of highschool. Then I entered University.

So here I am, first year student, with great friends from college, meeting a few new people in University (though its much harder considering theres about 200 people in the class and you cant talk when the prof is lecturing). Im a happy guy... except one problem.

Ive never had a girlfriend, not even a friend that was a girl. I know Im not gay, I find women very attractive. I just have absolutely no idea what to do around them. Theyre alien to me. I tried to date this one girl even though I didnt really like her, just for the sake of dating. That didnt turn out so well. I had nothing to say to her. She ended it after a short while because I obviously wasnt interested. Even if I was, I doubt I'd act any different.

I guess Im just afraid Im going to be alone forever. I know Im still young, but I dont see anything changing.

So I went from this short, chubby, nice loner in highschool to this tall, thin, muscular (I love to work out at the gym, 2yrs+ and counting), nice social guy. I even lost a lot of my interest in computer games. Im learning to play the piano, I take jujitsu. Ive grown in every aspect but female relations.

Arg, its starting to kill me!

Wow, I didnt realize I had much to say.

So am I doomed to loneliness or is there some way to improve my situation?
Thanks in advance!

 

[jubjub]

I am absolutely sure your situation will improve, probably within the next few months! Attending university for the first time and getting accustomed to all the changes in your life probably leaves little room for trying to find a girl you could be interested in and who would be interested in you (works both ways!). There is probably a perfectly great girl attending your uni who's wandering around campus right now thinking exactly the same thing you are! With the Christmas season coming up I am sure there will be lots of opportunities to meet some really nice girls who will find you interesting also. Try attending various club meetings or social events that you wouldn't normally go to.

It sounds like over the past few years you have changed your physical appearance quite a bit! Maybe you are now so buff that the girls think you are too good to be true and HAVE to be taken already!

A good way to attract a girl's attention is to do something gentlemanly or show your sensitive side when given the opportunity in appropriate circumstances. That'll sure get a girl's attention!

 

[Madjai]

Thanks for the quick reply, but I dont think it helps me much.

Finding girls arent the real problem, it's interacting with them. It's like I run out of small talk within 5 minutes. I dont know how to talk to them because I dont understand them. Guys are simple, theres never any tension or expectations when I talk to them. And since I cant keep a conversation with a girl she probably just assumes I dont like her or something. I can only hope they pick up on my subtle physical cues, which they dont ever seem to.

I need a handbook on flirting or something...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Or maybe you could try just talking to girls as if they were people, just like you talk to guys, instead of going under the assumption they are a diffrent species.

Honestly, a lot of that "Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars" stuff is just nonsense. One of my favorite bumper stickers said, "Women are from earth. So are men. Live with it."

 

[Madjai]

Okay, after doing some more research I think I've come up with my "condition". Its called Involuntary Celibacy. Now what should I do?

 

[Brilliant and Loving Life]

I know what you mean, learning to talk to women you are interested in without crumbling is an acquired skill that takes a lot of practice. Lot's of people will say just be yourself etc, that's not always so easy when your relating differently to a woman than you are to a friend.

Relearning communication on a progressively deeper emotional level.
Perhaps you could use a few experiences of low key informal relationships with women before trying to get a girlfriend.

So you can get over feelings of being intimidated and build your self confidence (very important).
Just try to make friends. Keep it in your pants, be nice, be polite but be sassy in your own way and don't ever compromise your personal views because you don't want to offend a woman (tactfully).

If you get into a mental knot you need to be prepared for it, rehearse a few anecdotes, jokes, something that can keep you talking until you work out the glitch and slip back into a more comfortable you. Do you have tutorials at your university or smaller classes,? That's a better environment for making friends than a lecture.

Universities often have social events outside of study, they can be good opportunities to make friends with a wide variety of people. Bring your friends with you, meet people in a social environment as a group activity, that'll take the pressure off you, somewhere you can 'mingle' so if you have 5 minutes of small talk that's a start. Next time you go out and meet up with the people again, have another 5 minutes and you'll find your more comfortable every time you do it.

 

[Madjai]

Well that helps a little more, thank you.

One thing about me is that I dont actively make friends with people. I let them make friends with me. And I do feel more comfortable in groups, theres no spot-light on me and I can be free to just listen to others talk and join in here-and-there when I want to.

Im joining this club dedicated to volunteering, so hopefully I'll meet some people there... I dont know.