Lack of self-worth

[Katie]

How can anyone rebuild their own self worth? I'd be particularly grateful to know, as i fear that things can only get worse. At first i labelled my negative thoughts at insecurity and being caused by my age, but adolescence has passed and it seems that with each failure i meet now, i grow more and more self obsessed with my own uselessness.

Studying psychology, i have found that the only method of appeciating myself as a person is so intellectualise my feelings. I have tried to apply my attachment style, personality and even psychopathological symptoms to textbook theories among other things. But I never manage to fit a category or find anything that centres on my deep self loathing and so cannot help myself.

My childhood was perfect, i have grown to have the right morals, and adhere to societies values. Around friends i try to 'chin up'. I fear people seeing me cry. I fear leaving the house, I fear seeing pictures of myself, i eat alot but am not gaining weight (the least of my troubles). i long to talk to someone who will respect my feelings and not undermind them, as im sure that everyone will do. i have began to be sexually promiscuous, something i've always previously seen as degrading. i feel that people purposely try to keep away from me, that i bore them. whenever i get close to be people i push them away, i used to be socially appreciated and popular and now i feel alone from not talking enough and not having the energy to share.

I don't know how to deal with my problems. everyone else deals with their lives normally, they enjoy themselves and show none of the same issues. i constantly feel that everyone i meet pities me, as i also feel that they are all better off. I also feel that i am at the hands of something else. I have no control over my own life, and im scared to try new things because i know i will always fail. How do i go back to being the person i used to be?

 

[Daniel E.]

everyone else deals with their lives normally, they enjoy themselves and show none of the same issues.

Most people hide their feelings and insecurities to some degree, and the self-help industry is a multibillion-dollar industry.

im scared to try new things because i know i will always fail.

As you may know, such learned helplessness is common. Usually, I get unstuck by being so sick of my current situation that I'm willing to do almost anything, take risks, etc. In other words, "the pain of staying the same" is a big motivation for me.

I have no control over my own life, and im scared to try new things because i know i will always fail.

One "advantage" to learned helplessness or pessimism is that predicting negative outcomes can often be more assuring than living with doubt and uncertainty. In this sense, the need for control can contribute to learned helplessness.

...but adolescence has passed and it seems that with each failure i meet now, i grow more and more self obsessed with my own uselessness.

How do i go back to being the person i used to be?

Of course, therapy is usually more efficient than self-help methods and both complement each other.

BTW, some articles about self-worth:

Compared to those with high self-esteem who are still caught in an evaluative framework, those with self-respect are less prone to blame, guilt, regret, lies, secrets and stress.

Many people worry whether there is life after death. Just think about it: If we gave up self-evaluation, we could have more life before death.

Self-esteem vs. Self-respect - Psychology Today

ASSUMPTION: "I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important areas of my life."
ALTERNATIVE: This again is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal and suggests that personal worth is determined by achievement. Achievement can be satisfying but does not make you more worthy. Instead, worth is an inherent quality and all people possess it.

Self-Confidence (Self-Help Brochure) - University of Illinois

Self-Esteem - Psychlinks

Perfectionism may also be an issue:

The reach for perfection can be painful because it is often driven by both a desire to do well and a fear of the consequences of not doing well. This is the double-edged sword of perfectionism.

The emotional consequences of perfectionism include fear of making mistakes, stress from the pressure to perform, and self-consciousness from feeling both self-confidence and self-doubt. It can also include tension, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger or fear of humiliation. These are common experiences for inwardly focused perfectionists.

The Perfect Trap - Psychology Today

 

[HA]

Welcome to psychlinks, Katie!

I had written a sort of long reply and did not copy before posting and I lost it.

Now the shorter version:

It's too difficult to find our complete problems by ourselves in a text book, Katie. All of us have some mild forms of some of the DSM disorders at some point in time....because we are humans.

You could be experiencing some social anxiety, some depression or OCD or nothing more than some distorted thinking. Read more about this here.

Only a professional therapist can tell you what you are dealing with and help you sort it out. If you are thinking and feeling this way most days or have been for a long time then you really should resolve it by seeking professional help.

It is not a sign of weakness nor does it mean you are in anyway a defected person. On the contrary it is a strong person who practices good self care and you show this strength by posting about your distressing feelings and thoughts here and looking at how to change them.

It is especially hard for young people to have the strength to seek help. I hope it's not too hard for you because life can be better then what you are experiencing.

Let us know how things are going.

Cheers & hugs
:grouphug:

 

[Katie]

Thank you for your support, I shall definetly look into talking to a professional about this to really do something about it. I am so very pleased to see that there are still people out there that take an active interest in the needs of others and that i have been taken seriously. Thank you again.

 

[stargazer]

I don't know how to deal with my problems. everyone else deals with their lives normally, they enjoy themselves and show none of the same issues.

The key word here is "show" -- they have their issues; they're just not showing them. You're probably not showing yours either--you're just self-conscious, and so you're doing your best to hide your issues from others, and probably succeeding at that more than you know.

I constantly feel that everyone i meet pities me, as i also feel that they are all better off.

I can relate to a feeling something like this. Maybe not that people had "pitied" me, but I thought they looked at me with suspicion, and I felt like an oddball. But now I think a lot of that was only my own self-consciousness, and that's probably the case with you, too. You may be self-conscious, so you think they're all pitying you, and that they're all better off--but it's all in your head. Most people are just thinking about their own stuff. They could be self-conscious too, and not even thinking about you in the way you describe. A lot of them probably even really like you.

I also feel that i am at the hands of something else. I have no control over my own life....

I also can relate to this, because I recently left a situation where I was having a hard time saying "no" to numerous requests, invitations, propositions, religious conversions, etc. -- and not all of them were healthy or positive. This is where I think the therapist will be able to help you discover your true inner self, and love yourself and care for yourself. That way you won't be living so much in the perceptions you have of other people's opinions of you, and you'll begin to develop your own sense of self, and your sense of self-worth will increase.

Welcome to the forums, and I know it will work out for you. You've taken a big step just by discussing your feelings in this way, even online. Congrats!

 

[Katie]

Thank you for adding some input to this. Obviously I am not alone in my feelings, I just don't want them to get any worse! I often try to advise myself to think in a more positive way, but it's extremely difficult, I am constantly bringing myself down without wanting to.

I also can relate to this, because I recently left a situation where I was having a hard time saying "no" to numerous requests, invitations, propositions, religious conversions, etc. -- and not all of them were healthy or positive. !

This made me think, as it is not neccessarily my self-control to say no to others and their beliefs. Its hard to describe, I think the locus of control explanation is best to describe it. I feel everything is out of my power, by fate or otherwise and that external experiences change me but i can't change them. Almost that my life is governed entirely by luck and that my luck has run out.

I cannot ask anymore from you for the guidance you've given me. Airing my feelings has helped enough for me to feel comfortable to talk to a professional. Thank you again for all your help and the best of luck to you!

 

[stargazer]

Yes, the "locus of control" explanation might serve you well. Best to you!