Lack the backbone to break up

[HotthenCold]

Hi there,

I need some help on how to get mentally ready to break up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I've known in the back of my head that I should have done it for a long time, but I've always talked myself into staying with her.

I'm definitely sure that I want to be single due to the a new confidence and excitement about life I've never felt before. I've grown a lot and so has she, but it's time to split...

The thing is I'm a totaly coward about it. I've sat there thinking about it constantly the last few times we've been together, but I fear I don't have the stomach. I've come close before, but backed out.

This post is basically asking for any tips on how to summon the courage to do something like this, because my backbone is weak on this one.

 

[Daniel E.]

Four years of being together is a long time, so it does seem very normal to feel some trepidation.

What is the source of your trepidation -- are you afraid of feeling guilty, the face-to-face confrontation, being alone, and/or something else? In any case, I would think CBT techniques could help with such anxiety.

But I would also say just try to get it over with -- like ripping off a Band-Aid. If you know the relationship is viably over, it's better for both of you to break up sooner than later:

It's hard to work up the courage to break up with someone, but don't prolong the pain. If you string your boyfriend or girlfriend along for a few weeks or even months, he or she likely will pick up on changes in your behavior ? particularly if your demeanor turns cold.

How to Break Up With Someone - Breakups & divorce - Revolution Health

And you may find some practical advice here:
How to Break Up if You Have No Backbone - wikiHow
http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-if-You-Have-No-Backbone

 

[HotthenCold]

So I finally went through with it.
I was having doubts about my decision before I did it, but even though I wanted to hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her when I was driving to her house, I remembered all the times when I wish I was totally free and thought that maybe we shouldn't be together.
I'm pretty sad right now since I won't find a girl as good as her for a long time.
I really hope I did the right thing.

 

[Daniel E.]

This may be relevant:

"Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library

 

[poohbear]

Who says you won't find someone as "good" as her? And good for whom? She wasn't "good" for you, right? You needed to break up. I am sure she will be good for someone--just not you. YOU will be "good" for someone, too! You will find someone who will only ADD to your newfound excitement about life. I sympathize with you. But, I am happy for you, too. Try to be happy for yourself. You deserve it!--Poohbear

 

[HBas]

Dearest HotandCold,

I FEEL SO SAD FOR YOU cause I know EXACTLY what you are going through.
Backbone has nothing to do with it my dear friend ... To love someone so much and feel that you have to be free from then at the same time ... Please be sure of your reasons and that it is not just "Freedom" driving you!

I was together with my ex for 14 years and did the same two years ago ... I was determined to be free and for long afterwards experienced that freedom is not all that it's cut out to be. I know that you can be happy no matter what you choose as long as you do it for the right reasons, otherwise you may end up VERY SAD for a long time.

I also feel that there is no better man than my ex but that is because we all have qualities that makes us unique and his good heart is exceeding most but I know now that I had reasons for wanting out and even though he is the best man I know, he may not be the man for me.

You can not carry feelings of guilt if you want to move forward - ensure that you can live with your reasons and that what you are doing now is going to make YOU happy - if not then I fear for you cause I am sure she is going to find happiness too and you must be able to deal with that.

My ex has got a great new girl and I realized that I am HUGELY jelous of her but remind myself every day that the choise was mine to move forward and that I love him enough to wish him only the best. I finally have time to focus on me now that I have made peace with this all ... it took me two years.

All I am saying is do what you heart tells you but do not only be driven by one emotion - look at the whole situation and be sure that you are totally happy with whatever you choose.

That's from the heart and I wish you only the best - there is a lot of happiness out there for us all and I take my hat of for the people that chooses passion over comfort - I have done the same and it's tuff!

Take care of you!
HB

 

[HotthenCold]

I'm glad to say that this is a pretty old post now and I broke up with her a month ago.

I've been having the time of my life since then.

It was definitely the right thing to do.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There's an interesting book (and audio book) with the title It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken. I always thought that title says it all...