Life after the breakup

[jeffrey]

Hello,

I broke up from my ex 3 yrs ago, it was a very bad relationship that was filled with drugs and drink, paranoia, violence and deciet. I`ve always been my own worst enemy. I`m in my thirties and have no children and live with my parents,in the past drugs and drink have wrecked my life,

I struggle from day to day, i wake,go to work come home, watch tv and sleep...sometimes, this is my life and has been for a while, i`ve clawed my way back to some kind of normality but i know that my life is not normal and it`s been mostly of my making.

I have tried suicide in the past but i do know it was a call for help but i really wanted all the pain to go and the pain i caused others,

I feel guilt and remorse as i feel wronged, at night i`ve prayed to whatever god is listening, i`ve prayed for peace and love to come to my life, for strength and forgiveness, for justice to be done to those who have wronged me...as you see all emotions have spewed forth to the invisible god and i`m not even religous,i grasp at straws in a hope that maybe some of these prayers or magic spells will become a reality.

I stop myself from moving on...why?

I`m locked up inside and devoid of that one human emotion we all want LOVE. I have a nice car, big deal, a nice laptop and tv, a stereo and dvd player and thats about it, they don`t make me feel any better,they are just things.

So i find myself tonight looking at my ex girlfriends profile on a site, i put her to the back of my mind but she`s never very far and i probably think of her at least three times a week but curiousity got the better of me and i had to have a look and so it goes that she has a lovely boyfriend in the music business and she goes abroad to see him perform.

They have a nice house in a nice area and are going on a very expensive holiday this year, that they both go to festivals with her family and generally have a lovely life doing normal and good things.

How foolish i was reading all that, i`m lonely and insular, inside i`m angry, i smile but feel isolated, i do things like going to the gym but now i`m not even doing that much, i got toned and look in the mirror and think whats it for, why does one person in a relationship go on to better things and the other doesn`t?

One grows and one stagnates in his own misery, how will i ever become the man i want to be? the family man who's proud, happy and in love.

I`ve had loads of counciling and even they seem to get frustrated, as i say i`m my own worst enemy, the pity and self loathing is horrible, sometimes i can step back and see myself, i do see myself working on many levels but none of it is helping me...sorry to have gone on so long.

 

[Retired]

Re: realising life after

I`ve had loads of counciling and even they seem to get frustrated,

Jeffrey,

What seems to frustrate your therapist? Are you seeing a mental health specialist and have you ever been prescribed medications to assist in your therapy?

 

[jeffrey]

I don't see any therapists now and haven't for at least 18 months. i used to get a 1 hour slot once a week and i do believe he was good, he let me talk and talk and then helped me to reflect, i tried to be as honest as i possibly could and told him everything that happened between my ex girlfriend and i, he sympathised with me to a point and tried to make me see that ultimately I'm responsible for my own actions and well being and that some people will always take advantage of others, that is part of human nature etc., etc.

He would get frustrated because he could see that i knew this, he could see that i had the ability to change my life but i think the frustration stemmed from my excuses and my fear, i think he could see so many possibilities for my life as i could. . . but i have this block and he could not understand this, he tried as so eventually he told me it was time for me to go into the world, it was now or never, he told me i could always go back. As i left i felt a bit upset with him and so i went and didn't look back.

i slowly felt empowered over my life and went head long into physical exercise, work and healthy eating, i quit drinking, smoking and drugs, so i gave up a lifestyle and was completely on my own, apart from my family, i would go to the gym and not talk to anyone. . . actually the only people i really talked to were my family or my customers at work who are nearly all elderly. Not once through all of it did i take medication, i took supplement like lecithin, 5-htp, omega 3, 6, 9, zinc, multi-vitamins and minerals, ginseng and ginkgo, GLA and probiotics. During this period i felt really healthy and became physically fitter than i ever have been but the fear of my future set in, the fear of that this is it, people told me i look well and that I've done well and i thanked them for their kind words but the momentum slowed and the good feeling started to wane, that was the best i had felt in a long time, but the isolation from relationships was getting to me, people would say "why don't you join a club or something" and i would reply "i don't do that sort of thing and i wouldn't want to force it, anyway why should i have too?"

I look at others who are together with their families and i think why is that them and this is me? why am i alone and unhappy? Hello world have you forgotten me?

And there i go again, no wonder people get fed up of me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

why should i have to?

You don't have to. Unless you'd like to move on with your life and stop feeling as miserable as you do now.

I look at others who are together with their families and i think why is that them and this is me? why am i alone and unhappy? Hello world have you forgotten me?

By your own admission, you are dwelling on the past and resisting doing what you need to do to get out of the past and move forward. That's why you're alone and unhappy.

The world hasn't forgotten you. You've shut the world out.

Coming here is a first step in trying to change that... the next step is understanding what you have done to yourself and then making at start at undoing that.

 

[jeffrey]

I was reading the dating after divorce and it made a whole load of sense.I`m terrified of faliure and the times i have tried i`ve failed miserabley,i have locked the world out as a way of protection but being my own prisoner is slowly killing any optimism i had.In general i do find it hard to relax and have always relied on drink or drugs as a way of achieving this,the only other way i found i became relaxed is after sex,i think i`m highly strung or something,it`s me,all of it is me i know it.Thanks Dr Baxter for your reply and i shall come here more often...I just hope you all don`t get fed up of me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

We won't get fed up.

 

[Halo]

Its true Jeffrey what David said, we won't get fed up and will always be here to listen and try to help anyway we can. We are a supportive bunch of people as you will come to learn.

Take care

 

[jeffrey]

Thank you all for your support,

I have been dragging my heels around the idea of internet dating for a long time until just over a week ago,i paid my subscription and completed my profile,which i may add took forever,wanting it to be as good as possible an all.Two women have contacted me so far,the first was for the whole of 20mins,it started off fine,i was flirtacious and seemed to be getting on fine and then she just logged off never to return...Strange,maybe she was looking for something else,anyway i continued in my pursuits,yesterday another contacted me,she seemed really nice and we seemed to get on like a house on fire,it got really late and we both decided we would catch up the next day as we both had to be up early in the morning.Tonight i sit like a lemon waiting at the time arranged to chat online...nothing,she asked me to add her to my MSN and she took my address for MSN too.I really don`t get it,i know i shouldn`t worry thats its me but it does affect me a bit and i know it`s early days but when your a bit of a defeatist like myself it becomes too easy to throw the towel in.But i do think there are a lot of strange women out there who enjoy the ego boost and love to play strange psychological games to make themselves feel empowered.

 

[Daniel E.]

You can always use additional/supplemental methods of increasing your social circle and dating possibilities, e.g. MeetUp.com. (BTW, compared to women, men tend to have less close friendships and therefore may over rely on romantic relationships for emotional support, which is obviously a problem if/when the romantic relationship terminates.)

Related Link:

Psychology Today Relationships Center

 

[jeffrey]

I couldn`t agree more and thanks i shall check that link.

 

[charlie42]

Jeffrey -

Its been a couple years now since your post... How are you doing? I am eager to hear as I feel I am a totally lost soul. Our marriage (It was her 5th and my 2nd) - I had a crush on her in high school - we lost touch for 24 years and then I ran into her at a store. Gave her my business card, and a year later after she was separated she gave me a call. We moved in together after 3 months and married 6 months after that.

I was in heaven.. except for learning how to deal with teenagers and with her wanting to be out every weekend. I had grown tired of being out. I am very much a homebody - she I finds out she still needs that external stimuli... perhaps from being a mom at such an early age of 19. I had done my partying in school - I no longer needed it. And being a step-parent and knowing how to deal with kids as I had none of my own... it was hard. Perhaps if I had some of my own, it may have been easier...

Anyway - now we are 5 months into divorce(after 3-1/2 years of marriage) - she has been with another guy... I have a witness seen a guys car in the driveway overnight. I'm no rocket scientist - but I have other indicators too of whats happening... so, as far as Im concerned its over. But I have the damndest pains because I so badly wanted this to work. I want her to see it the way I see it... but, that is my problem... perhaps, mine is not the correct way and there needs to be give and take... and we are both bull headed and unyielding in what we want.

She would play telephone tag with a guyfriend she had from jr high 60-70x a month until I made her break that friendship... just to see what was happening each weekend. I said does she want to be married to me or him... make a choice. She stopped supposedly (she cut me off from the phone bill so I couldnt see it because I was obsessing over it) but still saw him at a friends house or at the bar... but she says there is no friendship now between them.

I untilmately want a wife that will be with me. We go out or if she wants she can go out once every couple of months. Not every nor everyother weekend. She can still be strong on her own if she needs to be. She does not need to feel threatened (though I know I need to work on that) by other women I have as friends/aquaintences... not that I really have many anyways. Kids - I dont know if I want to go through teenagedom again. I am 44 now... time for me to cool my jets I think.

I am very lonely though. I live with my widowed-sister and nephew. I long for the human touch and compassion and communication of a beautiful woman, whom my wife was - her touch completed my circuitry. I know suicide isnt the answer... tried that in round one. Not worth the hassles. But what is there? I am struggling big time right now. God place my partner in my hands that You wish for my lifelong earthly partner. But, God as a condition, I ask that she fit my earthly criteria... I am being selfish I know.. but please bring the right partner to me. Thank you.

I guess I am feeling what you are and the computer dating isnt working because I am still considered a married man though just as well be divorced.

 

[jeffrey]

Honestly Charlie,there`s no easy answer,this is the one thing that i have learned from my trials and errors.

I`m still without what i seek,recently i tried to embark on a relationship with a woman but it became clear very quickly that we had very different views and morals on life,i still felt a part of myself wanting desperately to accept this totally incompatible woman to be my partner...Those feelings didn`t last too long.

The only bit of advice i will share with you is that time alone helps you to reflect,to contemplate on how you function on a mental and spiritual level,who you are and what type of woman would suit your personality.I ultimately feel much better and centered being healthy on my own than in a relationship that isn`t right...Patience is a virtue and faith in the right love is all important.

Time heals.

 

[charlie42]

Thank you for sharing Jeffrey.

I know time heals all... just a little impatience here. We will survive. We are survivors.

Thanks again.

God bless you.