I broke up from my ex 3 yrs ago, it was a very bad relationship that was filled with drugs and drink, paranoia, violence and deciet. I`ve always been my own worst enemy. I`m in my thirties and have no children and live with my parents,in the past drugs and drink have wrecked my life,
I struggle from day to day, i wake,go to work come home, watch tv and sleep...sometimes, this is my life and has been for a while, i`ve clawed my way back to some kind of normality but i know that my life is not normal and it`s been mostly of my making.
I have tried suicide in the past but i do know it was a call for help but i really wanted all the pain to go and the pain i caused others,
I feel guilt and remorse as i feel wronged, at night i`ve prayed to whatever god is listening, i`ve prayed for peace and love to come to my life, for strength and forgiveness, for justice to be done to those who have wronged me...as you see all emotions have spewed forth to the invisible god and i`m not even religous,i grasp at straws in a hope that maybe some of these prayers or magic spells will become a reality.
I stop myself from moving on...why?
I`m locked up inside and devoid of that one human emotion we all want LOVE. I have a nice car, big deal, a nice laptop and tv, a stereo and dvd player and thats about it, they don`t make me feel any better,they are just things.
So i find myself tonight looking at my ex girlfriends profile on a site, i put her to the back of my mind but she`s never very far and i probably think of her at least three times a week but curiousity got the better of me and i had to have a look and so it goes that she has a lovely boyfriend in the music business and she goes abroad to see him perform.
They have a nice house in a nice area and are going on a very expensive holiday this year, that they both go to festivals with her family and generally have a lovely life doing normal and good things.
How foolish i was reading all that, i`m lonely and insular, inside i`m angry, i smile but feel isolated, i do things like going to the gym but now i`m not even doing that much, i got toned and look in the mirror and think whats it for, why does one person in a relationship go on to better things and the other doesn`t?
One grows and one stagnates in his own misery, how will i ever become the man i want to be? the family man who's proud, happy and in love.
I`ve had loads of counciling and even they seem to get frustrated, as i say i`m my own worst enemy, the pity and self loathing is horrible, sometimes i can step back and see myself, i do see myself working on many levels but none of it is helping me...sorry to have gone on so long.
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