Limiting beliefs when it comes to acceptance and rejection

[almost_free]

I came to the conclusion last night that I have two rather limiting beliefs when it comes to socialising. My problem manifests itself in that I am fine in social settings, I have no problem with having people around - but if I try to go and talk to somebody (man or woman it makes little difference) my fear rears up and stops me dead. My ego is involved and my fear becomes overwhelming. Even asking somebody in the street for the time is difficult, nigh on impossible. However I can go into a shop and ask them about their products, I can go for job interviews and be as confident as I want. Even tricky situations like making a complaint is ok. If someone in a social setting comes and talks to me I am fine with that - no fear. But as I say ask me to go talk to someone and I will not be able to do it. Any way my limiting beliefs :

1) If I'm rejected it's because of me
2) If I'm accepted it's because of them

So if I smile at a girl and she does not return the smile I think "I mustn't be attractive - because if I was then she'd smile back"

And if she does smile back I'll think "what's wrong with her?".

I wish I'd been brought up to believe the oppisite - I'd be a lot more socialable! I think these beliefs came from my upbringing - pre age 6 and probably something to do with my Dad. His behaviour must of instilled these ideas at this young age - there is no specific event in my life that caused me to think this way that I can recall. For as long as I can remember I have always shyed away from people. I am completely comfortable on my own - too comfortable!

I don't have low self esteem, I believe I have accepted myself completely, I don't engage in negative self talk, I don't feel guilty about anything, I don't resent anybody, I have no anger and I love myself unconditionally. I have no problems in any other area of my life, I'm confident when it comes to just about everything except approaching somebody. I just seem to think in this negative way automatically - for no obvious reason.

I know how ridiculus these beliefs are, but just knowing this doesn't change them.

Any advice would be warmly appreciated.
Thankyou
almost_free

 

[almost_free]

I came to the conclusion last night that I have two rather limiting beliefs when it comes to socialising. My problem manifests itself in that I am fine in social settings, I have no problem with having people around - but if I try to go and talk to somebody (man or woman it makes little difference) my fear rears up and stops me dead. My ego is involved and my fear becomes overwhelming. Even asking somebody in the street for the time is difficult, nigh on impossible. However I can go into a shop and ask them about their products, I can go for job interviews and be as confident as I want. Even tricky situations like making a complaint is ok. If someone in a social setting comes and talks to me I am fine with that - no fear. But as I say ask me to go talk to someone and I will not be able to do it. Any way my limiting beliefs :

1) If I'm rejected it's because of me
2) If I'm accepted it's because of them

So if I smile at a girl and she does not return the smile I think "I mustn't be attractive - because if I was then she'd smile back"

And if she does smile back I'll think "what's wrong with her?".

I wish I'd been brought up to believe the oppisite - I'd be a lot more socialable! I think these beliefs came from my upbringing - pre age 6 and probably something to do with my Dad. His behaviour must of instilled these ideas at this young age - there is no specific event in my life that caused me to think this way that I can recall. For as long as I can remember I have always shyed away from people. I am completely comfortable on my own - too comfortable!

I don't have low self esteem, I believe I have accepted myself completely, I don't engage in negative self talk, I don't feel guilty about anything, I don't resent anybody, I have no anger and I love myself unconditionally. I have no problems in any other area of my life, I'm confident when it comes to just about everything except approaching somebody. I just seem to think in this negative way automatically - for no obvious reason.

I know how ridiculus these beliefs are, but just knowing this doesn't change them.

Any advice would be warmly appreciated.
Thankyou
almost_free

 

[David Baxter PhD]

On one level at least, this is a good example of what the cognitive behavior therapist would call Personalization... there's probably more to it than that but CBT could be helpful.

I have to run to my office now but see these threads:

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1523

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1524

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1067

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1035

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1033

plus others in this forum category at http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewforum.php?f=66

 

[David Baxter PhD]

On one level at least, this is a good example of what the cognitive behavior therapist would call Personalization... there's probably more to it than that but CBT could be helpful.

I have to run to my office now but see these threads:

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1523

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1524

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1067

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1035

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1033

plus others in this forum category at http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewforum.php?f=66

 

[almost_free]

Yes personalization sounds very familiar. I have read about this previously and the ideas intrigued me - however, as I shall explain - I see personalization as a result, rather than the cause of my problem.

Heres why. I managed to really convince myself that if I was rejected it was 'because they wanted something else'. I went out with this frame of mind, and I bumped into a girl who had stopped me a week earlier doing research work - after we had chatted I asked her out for a drink! I was certainly happy - what she said in reply was of no consequence to me - it was my actions that I was happy about. I thought I'd cracked it - I hadn't asked a girl out in - well a life time. However the next day - and my new belief had evaporated - and I felt the fear again.

Another time I convinced myself that 'someone accepts you as much as you accept them'. Again for about 20 minutes I was free and approached people socially for what seemed the first time in my life.

I read the formula for fear - I might have it wrong but it went something like : FEAR = Expectancy of bad thing x Consequnces of bad thing.

So in my first belief change I had eliminated the consequences part. In the second I had eliminated the expectancy of rejection - zero fear.

If Only I Could Hold On To These Beliefs!

I again convinced myself last night that 'Rejection means you haven't shown them enough of what they like'. I future paced and the results worked. However I wake up this morning and the change was not a permanant one I have so much love to give to the world and yet I dare not for this dreaded fear - help!

 

[almost_free]

Yes personalization sounds very familiar. I have read about this previously and the ideas intrigued me - however, as I shall explain - I see personalization as a result, rather than the cause of my problem.

Heres why. I managed to really convince myself that if I was rejected it was 'because they wanted something else'. I went out with this frame of mind, and I bumped into a girl who had stopped me a week earlier doing research work - after we had chatted I asked her out for a drink! I was certainly happy - what she said in reply was of no consequence to me - it was my actions that I was happy about. I thought I'd cracked it - I hadn't asked a girl out in - well a life time. However the next day - and my new belief had evaporated - and I felt the fear again.

Another time I convinced myself that 'someone accepts you as much as you accept them'. Again for about 20 minutes I was free and approached people socially for what seemed the first time in my life.

I read the formula for fear - I might have it wrong but it went something like : FEAR = Expectancy of bad thing x Consequnces of bad thing.

So in my first belief change I had eliminated the consequences part. In the second I had eliminated the expectancy of rejection - zero fear.

If Only I Could Hold On To These Beliefs!

I again convinced myself last night that 'Rejection means you haven't shown them enough of what they like'. I future paced and the results worked. However I wake up this morning and the change was not a permanant one I have so much love to give to the world and yet I dare not for this dreaded fear - help!

 

[almost_free]

I have just read that a 'core' belief always starts with 'I'. Well the 2 beliefs I have written re: acceptance/rejection are not 'I'/core beliefs.

Do all beliefs regarding yourself emanate from your core beliefs?

i.e. I have a core belief that has generated/caused my 2 limited beliefs?

 

[almost_free]

I have just read that a 'core' belief always starts with 'I'. Well the 2 beliefs I have written re: acceptance/rejection are not 'I'/core beliefs.

Do all beliefs regarding yourself emanate from your core beliefs?

i.e. I have a core belief that has generated/caused my 2 limited beliefs?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I see personalization as a result, rather than the cause of my problem.

Could it not be both?

It may be that you personlaize things based on past experience - in that sense it's a result.

But if you then approach new situations with those expectancies and interpretations, it may be the cause of later problems...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I see personalization as a result, rather than the cause of my problem.

Could it not be both?

It may be that you personlaize things based on past experience - in that sense it's a result.

But if you then approach new situations with those expectancies and interpretations, it may be the cause of later problems...