Long Distance Relationships

[Laj]

My daughter and her husband live on different islands here in Hawaii due to his employment. This is taking a toll on her as she lives alone. His job takes him back to his childhood home and into his mother's home.
Before he moved back home, she wanted to discuss this move with him. He continually changed the subject and kept telling her it was for the both of them as this was a "dream job"...the pay was double what he was receiving here AND the company would be paying for his brand new truck. My daughter is employed also. She did not want to move and never had intentions of moving to this other island as her family and all her friends are here. She doesn't even like visiting this island much less live there. The dilemma too is that she wants children but her husbanc is unable to bear them.
Question: Is this relationship worth hanging on to? He has always been a taker and now, my daughter is tired of always giving in. Especially since she sees no gain in his income -he's always 'broke' ...and he is unable to father any children. Her biological clock is ticking very loudly.
David, so much going on besides being in grief.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Long distance relationships add additional stress and strain at the best of times - and many don't survive over the long run.

However, one thing I do know is that neither your opinion nor mine will make much difference in whatever your daughter decides to do. If she decides to leave the relationship, she will do so when she is ready and not a second earlier. And if she decides to stay, she will do that for reasons that others outside the relationship may have difficulty understanding.

No one really knows what goes on inside a relationship except the two people involved in it - and even then, sometimes it can get a bit confusing.

For you, Laj, I understand this is an additional stressor and nothing is going to stop you worrying about your daughter - that is part of being a parent. I told my sons long ago that the best I could do was try to worry quietly so they wouldn't have to hear it. But you also have to remind yourself that other than being there for whatever support or advice your daughter requests, there is nothing you can do. I would also advise you to be very cautious about giving opinions about her husband or her relationship - remember that she may choose to stay and you don't want to be saying things that may create tension or barriers in your relationship with your daughter if she does.

 

[Laj]

You are such a sage. Truly. I may have already contributed "unrequested" opinions. (sigh) ...adding to the opinions of his/her friends. I am just so unsettled as he is not here for her, sharing day-to-day activities. He is an only child and is used to having things given to him so I guess he expected her to just "give in" once he moved. She is standing her ground as she knows in her heart of hearts her spirit would suffer if she moved.
How do I do damage control now?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would suggest that at the next opportunity try to help her to understand that your comments were made out of concern, much as a mother bear comes to the defence of her cubs when anyone "threatens" their security or happiness or well-being, and that ultimately whatever she decides you simply want her to be happy - and most importantly that you will fully support whatever decision she makes.

 

[Laj]

My daughter did understand my concern and was grateful. But, you are right - no one knows what truly goes on between a couple but the couple themselves. Only they know the true dynamics of their relationship... hopefully. Thank you for your insight again. I need to stop trying to "protect" the cubs, huh?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yep... that's pretty much the most difficult thing we have to do as parents... stand back and let them make their own mistakes, even when we know it's a mistake..

of course, sometimes it turns out we're wrong... )

 

[Laj]

And to think, they made it this far without me "supervising" every step of the way...I have to remember this.

It is just so hard when you see your kids lonely, sad and worried. (I can just hear their father telling me to mind my own business and if they need advise they'll ask) ...hmmm. This sounds familiar. I will do "quiet worrying"

However, I cannot help but think of my young daughter as a "widow", too.

And you know what, I know dwelling in the negatives is not healthy. I know life is what you make it. I know in my head what needs to be done ...but so different in my heart.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know dwelling in the negatives is not healthy. I know life is what you make it. I know in my head what needs to be done ...but so different in my heart.

Getting the head and heart to see things the sme way isn't always easy. But I think you are beginning to get there and I know you will in due course.

As I said earlier, sometimes it's a matter, at least at the start, of just not worrying out loud...

 

[Laj]

Just came back from the beach...I will be doing more of that this summer. Good to touch basis with "reality" and nature...
Thank you for my new goal, too, David...to be a quiet worrier. ;-I (lips zipped)...

 

[Kanadiana]

Just came back from the beach...I will be doing more of that this summer. Good to touch basis with "reality" and nature...
Thank you for my new goal, too, David...to be a quiet worrier. ;-I (lips zipped)...

Hi Laj ... as a Mom with 2 grown daughters doing their own lives and hitting bumps that could hurt them sometimes, I know that a lot of my "worry" is best not spoken out loud to them ... HOWEVER ... I need to talk with someone sometimes too, so take it somewhere else to someone I feel comfortable talking through these worries. I need to find some relief and learn how to handle "being worried" too. etc

Places like this help so much too. They help me to gain a little perspective and sometimes a better approach to people and situations. I love my daughters to pieces. my youngest who I raised from birth, she tells me anything and everything, and even asks my input, I give my tru thoughts, she mulls them over, and does what she decides. I back her ... she knows how to reach me if her decision ends up one she wished she made differently.

She blows my mind sometimes. I've learned so much from her

Our kids ... are resilient too. Pretty hard to believe that sometimes tho,huh? Ouch and

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Our kids ... are resilient too. Pretty hard to believe that sometimes tho,huh? Ouch and

Sometimes, when we are in full flight trying to figure out how to protect them from life, that is the hardest but most important thing to remember: we made it through all that stuff... they will too...

 

[Kanadiana]

Our kids ... are resilient too. Pretty hard to believe that sometimes tho,huh? Ouch and

Sometimes, when we are in full flight trying to figure out how to protect them from life, that is the hardest but most important thing to remember: we made it through all that stuff... they will too...

Yeah ... I once read a book that really hit home with me (actually LOTS of bookshit home LOL) but this on was called

"When Helping You Is Hurting Me" ... it was an eye opener at the time that I needed eyes opened.

Now one should be for parents ...

"When Protecting You Is Hurting US" LOL
(its probably already been written tho!)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

One of my favorite "Titles of Books I Haven't Read Yet" goes something like:

I Hate You And I'm Running Away From Home... But First, Can You Drive Me To The Mall?

 

[Kanadiana]

One of my favorite "Titles of Books I Haven't Read Yet" goes something like:

I Hate You And I'm Running Away From Home... But First, Can You Drive Me To The Mall?

LMAO ... I LOVE the title ...brings back memories of my daughter and her friends. Yep. I had the car and even the money sometimes.

Mind you, I really empathize with the kids because their age and dependency is really hard for them to bear sometimes in the face of those who persistantly stand in their way and hold much power US parents.

Adult kids ... so hard to break those dependencies sometimes, both ways. Behavioral role changes are slower to catch up to physical reality of independent lives, both sides. Empty nest. Takes some adapting to. Both sides.

I think that us parents in particular who suffered traumatic childhoods and history, well, we're too serious because wetnd to become over-protective. I know I sure did. And that ain't good for anyone. But its understandable. Its harder to lighten up and trust in our kids resiliency when we've been battered body and soul. We want to "save" our kids from the suffering our lives have gone through.

But we can't because they are the decision makers in their own lives. We can only be there loving and accepting ... and trying not to overreact.