Looking for Help... on how to help!

[concerned wife]

Hi there

I have been with my husband now for 22 years, we have 3 great teenage kids, we had waht everyone thought was a great marriage. However we had our share of problems too.

He was moody, kind of withdrawn and didn't have any interest in sex, I blamed myself, thinking he wasn't happy with me or our marriage (jr high/high school sweethearts) which lead to me putting on even more weight (stress eater!) and to shut down. I thought if he was going to leave me, it would be easier if I shut down and just did the day to day stuff!

This went on for close to a year! well the day came when he said "we need to talk"

What I heard that day has changed me in so many ways.

I knew he was raised by an abusive mother, beatings, names that no little boy should ever hear from his mom. (she blamed him for his dad leaving, he was 2ish)

He used to say, that the way he grew up, made him stronger and taught him alot.

BY THE WAY... he ended the line of abuse in his family. ( his grandmother was not a nice lady either, which lead to his mother being the same) He has never ever hit me or the kids.

So, our talk that night.... when I told him the thing that hurts the most is the lack of sex and that he won't talk about it. Well, he told me that his mother's boyfriend (now her husband) had been sexually abusive. and that its been coming back and bothering him. I am the first person he has told this too. I asked him if he wanted to file charges or do something and he refuses too. He wants to keep it a secret!! I on the other hand want to see his step father pay for what he did!!

Please help! what can/ should I do. I told my husband that I will not push him to talk but that I will always be there for him.

 

[Retired]

You are quite right this is certainly a time your husband needs your greatest support and understanding. In your conversation when he shared his abusive experiences, was there any talk about seeking therapeutic help from a mental health professional?

A trained professional would help your husband come to terms with the trauma that has affected his life, and provide him with constructive strategies to deal with those memories.

 

[defect]

In my opinion, there is not much, if any healing to be had from having the stepfather "pay for what he did" after this much time has passed. I know you are angry and want a feeling of justice for your husband. That might best be served by volunteering to do the leg-work in search of some sort of education for both of you and mental health therapy with childhood sexual abuse that has been kept secret for so long. Many people who have experienced this kind of abuse feel that others will see them as weak or damaged if they knew about it, and the fear and shame of that is what keeps it a secret. Nobody wants to feel pitiful. He told you because he realizes now that he can no longer deal with this on his own and needs your help. There is a lot of info on this website, and your local library might have a few gems as well. Good luck and take care of yourself and your mental health during this time as well. Best wishes.

 

[Yuray]

I will not push him to talk but that I will always be there for him.

Now that this matter is in the open, it might allow him to aproach you when the time is right. And it might be a good time to tell him it's not just the lack of sex that hurts the most, but a loss of intimacy, which is by far, the most personal thing you can share with someone.

Is there anything else that you think may be contributing to his distance from you?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In my opinion, there is not much, if any healing to be had from having the stepfather "pay for what he did" after this much time has passed.

Nobody can or should make that decision except the person who was abused.

Abuse, especially in childhood, is the ultimate in have control taken away from the victim. To try to make decisions for the victim is a recreation of the abuse, because it once again takes control for decisions affecting that persons life out of his or her hands and gives the control to someone else. And that is revictimization.

 

[defect]

Nobody can or should make that decision except the person who was abused.

Abuse, especially in childhood, is the ultimate in have control taken away from the victim. To try to make decisions for the victim is a recreation of the abuse, because it once again takes control for decisions affecting that persons life out of his or her hands and gives the control to someone else. And that is revictimization.

That is the reason I stated that it was only my opinion. I feel, again just my opinion, that taking actions so far after the fact would also potentially re-victimize. Taking steps to open the doors to healing might be helpful in making the decision to pursue confrontation. Each person is different of course, so there is no "right" answer. Gathering as much information as possible gives the person the ability to make the choice that feels right for them.
Also, if interested, Oprah is airing a special tomorrow, Friday, on men who were sexually abused as children and might shed some light on the subject.

 

[concerned wife]

Thank you for your replies!

Steve,
I have asked him if he would like me to find someone he could talk to, However he will not talk to a "stranger" when he said it is hard enough talking to his wife. I agree that it would help him greatly. I told him that, if and when he is ready, I will find him someone to talk to!

Defect,

I know that the "pay for what he did" is not the answer, which is why I am on this site to learn more about this and how to help.
"Many people who have experienced this kind of abuse feel that others will see them as weak or damaged if they knew about it, and the fear and shame of that is what keeps it a secret. Nobody wants to feel pitiful" That is 100% the reason he has never told anyone.

Yuray,
We have spent the last 9 months working on "us" as a couple. We make a point of talking more, spending time alone at the cabin.
I know my weight was/is a issue, I have joined a gym and we do a lot of walking and hiking now!

David,
As much as I want to see justice for what happened, I will never force or try to force my husband to do anything, I know he is the only one to make that decision.

I am here to learn how to help when the time comes, if ever. And to be able to try and understand what my husband is going though.


Again, Thank you all!!

 

[Retired]

he will not talk to a "stranger" when he said it is hard enough talking to his wife

The intersting thing is that speaking to you was perhaps the greatest hurdle, and that telling the story again may just be easier. An often misunderstood notion is the concern a therapist might be judgemental, and is the basis for being apprehensive about seeking professional help.

You may want to explain to your husband that a mental health professional is trained to be objective in the same way your lawyer, accountant and even plumber really doesn't care how the problem came about, but is there to help find solutions based on their training.

Do you think your husband might feel comfortable, in anonymity, to register (using a separate login registration) here on Psychlinks to share his concerns and perhaps receive insights from the Forum?

 

[concerned wife]

I do plan on showing him this site. There is so much on here that I think can help him.