Looking for help...

[he1p]

Hi,
I"m a 38 year old woman who is married to a man with anger management problems. Then why am I here and not him? Because i also think i have anger issues. last week he punched me in my eye and kicked me in my stomach. Horrible, right? but the day before that, i hit him for accusing me of cheating (which I'm not). so what's the difference between him hitting me and me hitting him? everyone tells me not to let him back into the house because he is an abuser. but does that mean i'm an abuser too? so i'm very confused and i'm hoping to get some help, advice and support. if i have anger problems, i want to work on that and not lay all the blame on him. i don't know. i'm confused.

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks He1p! Glad you've joined us and hopefully you might find some insights to help you in your situation.

You're quite right, striking out at another person should never be tolerated, regardless of who is doing it.

Have you ever considered couples therapy to help resolve your issues?

If there is violence in your relationship, perhaps for your mutual safety, you might both agree to remain apart until each of you, independently or preferably as a couple receive counseling.

Domestic violence is dangerous, and left unchecked can often escalate and lead to dire consequences.

You may even consider contacting a local womens' shelter where you can seek refuge until you figure out a way to regain control of your life.

Are you financially independent from your husband, with your own source of income and independent savings?

 

[Yuray]

Welcome he1p

if i have anger problems, i want to work on that and not lay all the blame on him

Do you feel at times that you do have anger problems, or only when provoked?

so what's the difference between him hitting me and me hitting him?

I see very little difference as both encounters were motivated by anger, and neither encounter should have ended that way, and by the sounds of it, you ended up worse off than he.

but does that mean i'm an abuser too?

Without more background info thats difficult to tell, but as you are here looking for solutions, I doubt you are an abuser. Has your relationship always had physically expressed anger?

Browse through the following link and look for similarites, and solutions, and of course, there will always be someone here to respond to anything you may have a question about.

Anger Management

 

[he1p]

wow. thanks for your quick replies. maybe i will get the help i need here.

yes, i am financially independent. in fact, i am the sole provider. the house is in my name and i am the only one who has ever made mortgage payments. so i don't think it would get to the point where i have to go to a shelter. he has been removed from the house and is staying with a friend. apparently, he became "suicidal" and checked into a hospital for a night. but now he's with this friend and begging me via email and text to take him back. i dont want him back until i'm sure that both he and i have gotten the help we need.

i definitely only have anger problems when provoked and pushed almost to the limit and when it involves my kids. when i hit him the day before, it was because he was shouting "you f***** your cousin" (which is untrue, by the way) and my 8 year old was in the house. i hit him and said "shut up" because what if my son heard that. another time i hit him is when he said to my 16 year old daughter over the phone "your mom is being stupid". i hit him in anger because no one has ever told my daughter that her mom is stupid and it is disrespectful for him to say that. now, times when i've got him cheating for example, i've never hit him. i've been angry, but i've never hit him. so i guess it's when i'm really pushed and when it involves my kids. but that doesnt make it right. i don't want to be that way.

i dont want to think that i am an abuser because i love people and i like to see people happy. i will make personal sacrifices just so that others are happy. but in the last few days i've really been examining myself and now i'm not so sure. i mean, i control all of the money (mainly because i make all of the money). i make all of the decisions (mainly because he refuses to decide and would rather just let things happen). ive even thought about when i'm driving, which i haven't had to do in a long time but now that he's out of the house i've had to do in constantly. i do have road rage. i don't cut people off or give them the finger per se, but I do yell and call them names. but then i let it go.

i dont know. im very confused and would like to find help managing my anger. i'm really hopefull that i will find that help here...

 

[Yuray]

he has been removed from the house and is staying with a friend.

This is the best thing for the time being. It sounds as though he is remorseful, but it's likely short lived.

i dont want him back until i'm sure that both he and i have gotten the help we need.

As Steve suggested, couples counseling may be a good start, at least to identify what the real issues are. The anger displayed by both of you at times could just be symptoms of something else.

but I do yell and call them names. but then i let it go.

If that is the criteria to determine road rage, then we are all guilty

i dont know. im very confused and would like to find help managing my anger.

There are some in here more capable of steering you in the right direction than I, and they will address your situation in an honest, sensitive, open, and no holds barred manner. The hard work will be up to you. You have taken the first steps already in recognizing a problem, trying to get help, and having you husband out of the house. Take care of yourself first, then work on your husband. A time for growth.

 

[Retired]

now he's with this friend and begging me via email and text to take him back. i dont want him back until i'm sure that both he and i have gotten the help we need.

As difficult a decision that may be for you to have made, I believe it is the right one. Spouses who engage in domestic violence frequently follow a pattern of remorse, persuading the abused partner to let them back into the home. That only recreates the same environment that existed before and the abuse begins again, often escalating to more dangerous levels.

Your best strategy, as you have rightly stated, is for counseling while staying apart, and insisting on a reasonable period of rehabilitation and proof of modified behaviour before living in the same house.

Provide your husband with the information he needs for counseling and let him act on that information. It is his responsibility to take the necessary steps to modify his destructive behaviour.