Meds

[forgetmenot]

went to gp today
prescribed me meds two types says they work better together i know that

i tried to explain to her how my mind just fights this how it says i am one of them dam but if i don't take them i will end up stroking or something worse

how does one just shut down the mind tell it to stop already logically i know i need them but the fight the internal fight against them is so strong

dam mind dam it

so i sit looking at the bottles just looking at them dam

---------- Post Merged at 02:31 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:11 PM ----------

Just took first dose of them

---------- Post Merged at 06:35 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:31 PM ----------

I have to keep saying i am not weak for taking them i am strong for taking them keep saying that over and over

 

[rdw]

Re: meds

Yes you are strong for taking care of yourself.

 

[forgetmenot]

took night dose hoping it kicks in soon so i don't have to think anymore or worry abt someone oh god i hate this anxiety i hate it.

---------- Post Merged on July 26th, 2013 at 08:51 AM ---------- Previous Post was on July 25th, 2013 at 09:50 PM ----------

took morning pills only taking half a dose though of anxiety pills to start told gp this as i am very sensitive to these meds

sort of tipsy on them but i know i have to give them a chance i know

My mind is such an enemy it is but somehow i will beat this i will

funny i keeps saying over an over i am good right i am good right

I do n't know why my mind well i do know why and it is illogical these thoughts all just thoughts put there a long time ago

thoughts that somehow protected me made me push forward yet now they are not useful now they are harming me by preventing me from the care i need so badly.

so one day at a time right one day at a time and each day promise myself to not give in to those thoughts.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thinking of you. I have realized that taking meds is life or death for me. I HAVE to take them no matter how much I don't want to.

 

[forgetmenot]

fourth day now thoughts still are fighting me but i took am dose again i just want to take them until all these changes are not new to me anymore

 

[defect]

How do you feel about it today? Is it getting better or do you feel the same?

 

[forgetmenot]

it has not had enough time to have a real effect i guess i am rocking less now still anxious and still very sad but there is alot of things going on in my life at moment to produce this anxiety and sadness

 

[forgetmenot]

Meds have been increased

Why is it when i take meds my mind keeps saying they have won

I am still taking them and just started the increase but it is so hard i hate me so much i hate me so much for letting them win

 

[defect]

Is it YOU feeling like they've won or is it your anxiety speaking? I'm assuming the goal is to reduce the level of anxiety felt and/or make it manageable, in which case the medication might be working and therefore "winning". I know my anxiety is often in control of me, and it resists being treated as well, but it's really not a case of winning or losing, at least for me. It's more of a proactive effort to manage the levels of anxiety I have, and it's control over my life. When the voice of my anxiety is louder than me, I know it has won. Medications and therapy and coping skills provide some chance of letting me win, or at least be a part of the battle.
Your anxiety is not you. It just happens to have the same voice. It's very convincing

 

[forgetmenot]

it is me it is my thoughts and i cannot explain it really i just feel the ones that harm me long ago they win i fought so long to keep me ME and it seems with all that is going on i am lost but taking the meds in my mind it says they won they won i am not me anymore

 

[defect]

is there anything you can do, any way of getting back to yourself? any way to return to you? or create yourself again? or at least recognize and be more at peace in yourself as you are, with who you are, a you who you can be comfortable with and be familiar with?
I think I do understand that feeling, or at least from how you've described it. I have been there and it's quite probable I'm still there now, I just currently exist in a slightly buffered version of myself, to avoid being fully present and aware of myself. Scared to look too close. I find I'm like this all too often. Coping mechanism I suppose. It happens just after a period of hopelessness and feeling like there are no options.
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. For what it's worth, change is constant, and this too will change. Finding something to do, something to focus on, can sometimes help distract your mind until that change comes. Practicing deep breathing also helps, I personally find it to be the most effective way to change my thoughts. Oxygen clearing out the thought patterns and breathing new life into the brain, it's bound to change your mind.
Be patient with yourself. These thoughts and feelings are yours, and they're upsetting to experience, but that's okay. Let them be okay and think them and feel them and then let them go. If they keep coming, let that be okay too. Being upset about being upset is so much harder on yourself than you need to be. Being more gentle with yourself and nurturing to yourself will lessen how overwhelming it feels. I hope that makes sense. I like to tell myself, "Patience, patients!" (as if there's a classroom of several versions of myself in my head)
:grouphug3:

 

[MHealthJo]

I think that the hurtful people 'winning' would be when we allow a judging viewpoint to give ourselves fewer options and give us shame.... When we view that shame as valid, rather than as misplaced.

We would not feel shame if we used insulin for diabetes or aspirin for a headache.....

On a recent documentary called Ruby Wax's Mad Confessions, she said, "Why is our brain, for some nonsensical reason, the only part of our body that is not allowed to get sick?'

A valid point......

Flexibility and permission to self-care, to self-accept even in illness or struggle, to take advantage of treatments and gradually open ourself up to treatments and self-care.... I believe that is when we win; when we choose not to unfairly judge ourself and our difficult times, or disown parts of ourself or shame ourself....

Or when those voices come, when we continue patiently explaining to them that they are simply wrong......

xx

 

[forgetmenot]

so far i have kept on the meds taken them as asked increased the dosage as stated by doctor im trying not to let the thoughts win

 

[MHealthJo]

Excellent work, Forgetmenot.....

It really is hard when we have an aversion to taking meds..... but if you stick with it awhile longer, you may find that the results themselves help you to change your philosophy and see the value....

If you were able to also combine the medication with some CBT-type homework that your therapist may be able to prescribe, you may also find your thoughts about the medicine changing and your overall benefit multiplying too.

You may wish to ask your therapist to help you do a 'belief-changing exercise' in regards to the medication, and see what happens......... xx

 

[defect]

MHealthJo, that's a great idea and it's something I plan on asking about at my appointment with a psychiatrist this coming Wednesday. I do NOT want to go to this appointment and the anxiety building up to it is making me very aware of how much my mind tries to avoid thinking about it, and everything else for that matter! I've seen this doc twice before in the past few years, and both times he has prescribed more medication, even though during both appointments I've stated that I want to reduce and eventually be off medication. I understand while that may not be possible, I really don't think that medication can take the place of therapies like CBT and learning new coping skills to deal with myself when I am unable to manage my thoughts and emotions. I too do not want to be medicated, but I have accepted and probably need to re-acknowledge that I have been helped by the medication, and possibly need to be open to changing that Rx or (dread) increasing or adding meds... I can't believe I just wrote that. I have said for some time now though, that I do not feel I am at all stable on these meds any more, so I guess I need to be open to change. Everything in me right now is VERY resistant to this and I just made myself upset and am now crying... I guess I need to just give it a try. It hopefully would at the very least, be a change. Possibly even for the better. I don't want this to be the answer at all, but it might get me to where I can find answers and find a way to be okay. I guess we'll see. Omg the thought of changing or upping my meds feels like taking steps backward. Such an argument that goes on inside!

 

[MHealthJo]

It certainly can be a huge challenge. Thinking of you guys.

I have no idea why I have absolutely zero resistance to the idea of medication..... I really don't know....

I do remember very early on, reading the amazing Feeling Good by David Burns, which has a thorough consumer's guide to antidepressants as the second half of the book.

There is a great question and answer section addressing questions or qualms people may have about medication, including the idea some have that if you are on medication you are no longer 'you', and how that couldn't be further from the truth.

I do remember reading the words:
'Nobody has to know you are on a medication unless you tell them."

Maybe on some level that helped me sort of think of the whole thing as MY business to look towards my best interests and health, and nobody elses business to judge or necessarily even know (unless I wish it). So if it could really be the possible judgments of OTHERS that could come into the mind, the learning was helping me to not have that as a consideration; and conversely if there could have been possible judgments or biases that I myself could have had that could have come into it, maybe that was circumvented by the changes in my own thinking style which were also coming from the book. I don't know.

Probably in the guide to medication part, Dr Burns is also using his CBT focus within there, to help the reader minimise medication-related judgments anyway perhaps, while he's discussing medication generally.

I had also seen depression devastate my older brother and seen medication benefit him, and I had seen its important role for my mother (bipolar). I guess it was not particularly a new or scary or different idea in our family. And the only person who I felt could have had a bit of judgment about it, my dad, I had quite a lot of anger towards, and him I was quite okay about 'disappointing' or him seeing some more of the effects of his then-unacknowledged problems. That kinda needed to happen in this case and served our family evolution well. Not everyone has the same dynamic around them though.

But there's also the fact that I had simply been SO unbearably miserable for a long time, and I was one of the people lucky enough to respond VERY quickly and very well to my first med. There was simply no question in my mind..... There things were a very good thing. I guess that is a factor that for someone like me, made the whole thing darn simple and enabled me to never really give it another thought....... but not everyone is necessarily that lucky.

 

[defect]

Personally, I really don't care who knows if I'm on medication or not, I don't really care to worry about other's judgments of me. It's more so my personal experiences with medication thus far, which have been somewhat of a nightmare that have lasted years in some cases, completely unhinging myself and my life. When the medication makes you feel worse than you did before and add a few major health complications in there, and a doctor who isn't helping fix that, and you spend any length of time living like that, a person is bound to no longer feel like themself. In a lot of situations I think it's just a medication that isn't right for that person. A combination of medication that I was taking 6 years past the recommended timeline, plus the delinquent doctor who was not paying attention despite my repeated visits and complications, is the reason behind my hesitation. I have yet to experience a really positive result from medication that lasts beyond 3 or 4 months, and a couple meds amplified my symptoms and included a few more behaviours. I'm not expecting miracles of course, but the point of taking the medication in the first place quickly returns for me and is often more acute and my personal support system is almost non-existent. This is why coping skills and CBT information is more attractive to me. Every mind is different and respond differently to these medications, that's the one thing I know for sure.

 

[forgetmenot]

Therapist got me to buy book CBT for dummies
i think i have tried to read certain pages that may pertain to me

It is very hard for me to focus and for me to read and take things in sometimes fatigue will do that i guess

i am working on my mind my thoughts trying hard to let go of the old messages distorted thoughts i am

 

[MHealthJo]

Wow, I am so sorry D, for the negative experiences you have had. You've been a trooper to try to persevere towards better options and outcomes.

At various times when I've had a go with other medication options, just to see the possibilities, or when there seemed to be the 'poop-out' factor, I've had some yucky experiences too...

Definitely especially hard when very little luck has come to you yet; it's tough.

Really wonderful to see folks exploring the other things they can do for themselves too. Excellent you guys, especially when suffering and struggling a lot just to hang in there.....

Thinking of y'all and hang in there. xx