My behavioral problem, i.e., lack of behavior!

[Kururugi]

I'm not sure how to explain this, but it concerns behavior. Or "lack" of behavior, I should say.

I find myself in many situations where my thoughts are locked in my head and my words are hard to get out. Before I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, I was a lot more sociable, and always had interesting things to talk about. Even if it was just ranting, it was still something that kept the mood in the air fresh and entertaining. Now, I find myself always in a position where the atmosphere is dryer than Canadian dirt, and I can never think of anything to say to create a more enjoyable environment between the people or person I am in the same room with.

My brother in law just came over to pick up a T-flash card reader for the computer, and you'd think I'd have something to say to him when he finally showed up, but I found myself thought-locked and completely lost for words. This is how it went.

He knocked on the door.
I opened it.
He said hey.
I said hey.
I past him the card reader thing.
He said thanks.
I said no problem.
Everything went silent.
He departed.
I shut the door.

Now come on! This is me not seeing my brother in law for at least a week, and we are on good speaking terms. Obviously I must have Cognitive Behavioral - Social Anxiety Disorder, because I could --- SHOULD --- have showed a lot more personality at the door when he arrived. He didn't even come in! It was actually pretty awkward!

This always leaves me wondering why I am not connected with people. I remember when my brother in law and I were at one of our friends' houses. I showed up before my brother in law did, and the atmosphere the entire time was dry and awkward. Neither of us really talked much. But when my brother in law finally showed up a few hours later, he and my friend spent the rest of the night talking to each other while I sat on the couch playing a stupid video game.

I see this as a behavioral disorder, because I have no personality or character that connects people to me. (Makes people want to be around me and enjoy my company).

I'm trying not to rant here, but to me, this is a serious behavioral problem.

 

[Jazzey]

No, it was just a bad day K. We all have these. There are days where I'm so lost in thought that my words don't get past my throat. It does "appear" different. But now, I've just sat down with my friends and explained that this is part of my personality. I can be this very gregarious person, full of life and jokes. And, on other days, I live inside my head, incapable of even forming the simplest of words.

It doesn't make you weird or, suffering from a behavioural problem. It may however make you self-conscious about what it is that you say or do. Next time you see your brother in law, just tell him it was an off day for you - leave it at that.

I honestly don't think that there's anything off about you - you're human like the rest of us. Sometimes we have good days, and sometimes, not so much....

That's my opinion at least, for whatever it is...

 

[Retired]

Based on the way you have eloquently written your posts since you joined us, it's obvious you are an intelligent and articulate person.

Social interaction is a skill, like so many life skills that requires practice.

A favorite technique I like when I am in a situation where I am not sure what to say, is to ask questions. By asking questions, the person you are with will answer, leading you to a follow up question, and then maybe a comment.

You can cover most topics by starting your questions with How,What, Why, Where, When and Who...just like news reporters do.

How's the weather today?
What have you been doing this morning?
Where will you be going tomorrow?
Where do you work?
How long have you been living in this City?
Why do you prefer taking the bus to driving to work?

The possibilities are endless.

One way to become comfortable with the technique would be to rehearse some questions in your mind, when you are relaxed at home alone, or as you are falling asleep.

If you can invite a trusted friend or family member, you can ask them to role play with you. Or your therapist may have a suggestion on a local conversation self help group in which you can participate....or you can practice the technique with us here on Psychlinks by asking follow up questions.

Do you think this type of exercise might be of some help?

 

[Kururugi]

Based on the way you have eloquently written your posts since you joined us, it's obvious you are an intelligent and articulate person.

Social interaction is a skill, like so many life skills that requires practice.

A favorite technique I like when I am in a situation where I am not sure what to say, is to ask questions. By asking questions, the person you are with will answer, leading you to a follow up question, and then maybe a comment.

You can cover most topics by starting your questions with How,What, Why, Where, When and Who...just like news reporters do.

How's the weather today?
What have you been doing this morning?
Where will you be going tomorrow?
Where do you work?
How long have you been living in this City?
Why do you prefer taking the bus to driving to work?

The possibilities are endless.

One way to become comfortable with the technique would be to rehearse some questions in your mind, when you are relaxed at home alone, or as you are falling asleep.

If you can invite a trusted friend or family member, you can ask them to role play with you. Or your therapist may have a suggestion on a local conversation self help group in which you can participate....or you can practice the technique with us here on Psychlinks by asking follow up questions.

Do you think this type of exercise might be of some help?

My mind rarely ever allows me to precipitate what question I'm going to ask beforehand. That's why I'm always in a position where I'm lost for words. I think most people would get a lot out of this, but I'm the type that can only ask a question if it was already on my mind beforehand. If I'm on the spot to come up with some question to ask in order to keep the conversation going, forget it! The only one I have memorized is the nice weather one. lol.

 

[Retired]

The only one I have memorized is the nice weather one.

When you want some conversation starters that work it is often best to use time proven conversation starters such as:

- the weather
- local news
- workplace changes
- family happenings
- sports results

Finding conversation starters that work is then to test to see which topics get the interest of the person you are talking to.

There is no need to put yourself under pressure by expecting 100% success when you try out your conversation starters. The important thing is to have lots of conversations and remember those stories and topics that most people find interesting. then use those conversation starters again and again with other people.

Keep using the conversation starters that work and stop using the ones that don?t appeal to people - there is no need to be original! No need to put yourself under pressure to get it right every time. Get out there and learn by doing and you will start to discover that most conversations are based around common themes.

Just for fun, have a look at the following 50 conversation starter questions:

1.What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book?
2.If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?
3.What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
4.What's your favorite Barry Manilow song?
5.Who's your favorite Muppet?
6.What's the habit you're proudest of breaking?
7.What's your favorite Web site?
8.What's your favorite school supply?
9.Who's your favorite TV attorney?
10.What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles?
11.What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?
12.Where were you on September 11, 2001?
13.What's your favorite tree?
14.What's the most interesting biography you've read?
15.What do you order when you eat Chinese food?
16.What's the best costume you've ever worn?
17.What's your least favorite word?
18.If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be?
19.Who's your favorite Care Bear?
20.Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation.
21.If you could travel anywhere in Africa, where would it be?
22.What did you have for lunch yesterday?
23.Where do you go for advice?
24.Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?
25.Have you ever been snorkeling? Scuba diving?
26.Have you ever been stung by a bee?
27.What's the sickest you've ever been?
28.What's your favorite form of exercise?
29.What's your favorite Cyndi Lauper song?
30.What did you do for your 13th birthday?
31.Are you afraid of heights?
32.Have you ever taken dance lessons?
33.What's your favorite newspaper?
34.What's your favorite Broadway musical?
35.What's the most memorable class you've ever taken?
36.What's your favorite knock-knock joke?
37.What's your favorite commercial?
38.If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be?
39.Do you prefer baths or showers?
40.Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
41.What's your favorite breakfast food?
42.Who's your favorite game show host?
43.If you could have a super power, what would it be?
44.Do you like guacamole?
45.Have you ever been in a food fight?
46.Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. (Better yet, sing them.)
47.What's your favorite infomercial?
48.What's the longest you've ever waited in line?
49.What's on the cover of your address book or day planner?
50.Have you ever taken a picture in one of those little booths?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Or history: "Hey! How about them Visigoths and Mongols?"

 

[crash]

Or history: "Hey! How about them Visigoths and Mongols?"

I have a friend at SUNY Fredonia who is quite introverted, maybe anxious. I got him to come out of his shell by asking "what is the difference between the punic wars and the peloponnesian wars?" His area of expertise was in history; by asking just one question of an area in which he was familiar, he was able to shine. Now he is always hitting me with mini history lessons, which is nice because I may not always be talkative. just listening and asking the occasional question here and theretakes the pressure off of me to keep the conversation alive.