Hi,
I am very, very, very angry. Apart from the fact that I feel like I have arguments with most the people around me, I saw my brother today and his behavior makes me so utterly angry.
We have been living in the same apartment building for about 15 years now. Actually he lives three floors above me.
I was in a mental hospital during that time for about 20 months. Before that I had fear of going out on the street, doing shoppings etc. He passed my door many times a day but never ever offered to do anything. It was like he did not feel I actually existed. It was very painful. He could look at me with a face like: do I know you...?
When I left the mental hospital back in '95 he went through a bad time. He broke down and considered to go to a mental hospital too. I was with him at that time, trying to support him since I love or loved him. It was extremely difficult since he sucked all my energy out. I could sit next to him at the table when he felt horrific and I could feel I was about to faint. But I could not leave him like that.
When he was hospitalized he had the assignment to work on his 'bloodsucker-behavior'. His sucking-energy-attention behavior. They noticed that instantly.
A few months ago I decided to keep him out of my life as much as I could. I had to in order to protect myself. In all my vulnerability in the past years of trying to survive he repeatedly yelled at me, screaming at me that I needed therapy. It was traumatizing for me. It was not what I needed, it was what he wanted for me.
He is my brother but the feeling that he is so is hard to find. Especially since he does not want to talk about the things I just wrote. He says: "I am not responsible for what you feel or have felt, so f*ck you".
Today I bumped into him, outside. He had this look on his face "who are you anyway". Now this freaks me out!
It is not that I don't understand his attitude. It is just like I cannot bear anything anymore from him. This is it. He shoves his sh*t back on my plate and then pointing: geez, what a mess.
I had to put him on a distance.
I cannot tell what it feels like to have a brother like this. When I give in a little bit, he starts to take and take.
And today that look on his face. Who would really understand what has happened between us??? Who would really understand that I don't deserve this??? Not many, since he seems such a nice guy. Well, his heart is good, but his behavior lethal. Just like my dad.
Why do I always act strong to get what I deserve? Why cannot I just be myself and being respected for that?? Right now I just feel like: f*ck the rest. I do not feel valued.
I am very, very, very angry. Apart from the fact that I feel like I have arguments with most the people around me, I saw my brother today and his behavior makes me so utterly angry.
We have been living in the same apartment building for about 15 years now. Actually he lives three floors above me.
I was in a mental hospital during that time for about 20 months. Before that I had fear of going out on the street, doing shoppings etc. He passed my door many times a day but never ever offered to do anything. It was like he did not feel I actually existed. It was very painful. He could look at me with a face like: do I know you...?
When I left the mental hospital back in '95 he went through a bad time. He broke down and considered to go to a mental hospital too. I was with him at that time, trying to support him since I love or loved him. It was extremely difficult since he sucked all my energy out. I could sit next to him at the table when he felt horrific and I could feel I was about to faint. But I could not leave him like that.
When he was hospitalized he had the assignment to work on his 'bloodsucker-behavior'. His sucking-energy-attention behavior. They noticed that instantly.
A few months ago I decided to keep him out of my life as much as I could. I had to in order to protect myself. In all my vulnerability in the past years of trying to survive he repeatedly yelled at me, screaming at me that I needed therapy. It was traumatizing for me. It was not what I needed, it was what he wanted for me.
He is my brother but the feeling that he is so is hard to find. Especially since he does not want to talk about the things I just wrote. He says: "I am not responsible for what you feel or have felt, so f*ck you".
Today I bumped into him, outside. He had this look on his face "who are you anyway". Now this freaks me out!
It is not that I don't understand his attitude. It is just like I cannot bear anything anymore from him. This is it. He shoves his sh*t back on my plate and then pointing: geez, what a mess.
I had to put him on a distance.
I cannot tell what it feels like to have a brother like this. When I give in a little bit, he starts to take and take.
And today that look on his face. Who would really understand what has happened between us??? Who would really understand that I don't deserve this??? Not many, since he seems such a nice guy. Well, his heart is good, but his behavior lethal. Just like my dad.
Why do I always act strong to get what I deserve? Why cannot I just be myself and being respected for that?? Right now I just feel like: f*ck the rest. I do not feel valued.
