My mother is codependent and refuses to seek help!!

[Los Cazadores]

Hello everybody for reading. I wanted to share my family's story.

My dad is an alcoholic (he was a "functional" alcoholic, he never missed work, he never drank before or during work and never physically or verbally abused of my family. When he retired almost 2 years ago he started drinking more and more until it became obvious he could not live without alcohol. I had a deep and honest conversation with him about his health and this year he entered rehab and has been sober for 5 months. I am so proud of him. Our family made a commitment with him to never drink or even mention the word alcohol in his presence.

My mother in the other hand has been showing a very negative behaviour (started years ago) but has gotten worst ever since he started rehab. During the 6 weeks my dad was in rehab my mother took off to visit "relatives" she had only met once and was unavailable to contact her for days at a time.(which is extremely rare for her) I explained to her that it was imperative that she went to therapy as well during the same time he was away. She has refused since then to admit she is codependent. During family therapy at my dad's rehab centre she says "it's all his fault" over and over. She is very sensitive so I had said that we are all codependents
And that his alcoholism has affected us all in many different ways. I have tried hundreds of times to invite her to seek help. I live in a different country so this mostly has been done by phone or email.

This week I gave her an ultimatum, I told her I don't want her to phone me again until she tells me she has booked an appt with a therapist. I had to do that because I found out she has had a couple drinks in front of my dad and brought alcohol in the house, not to drink for her but gifts for other people. I am aware we can't make alcohol disappear from the universe and that it is not fair to not enjoy a drink in front of my dad when we go out but it is a small sacrifice we all can do and is worth my dad's life.

My brother believes she might one day offer my dad a drink and enable his alcoholism again, I just cannot allow that to happen. My mother is a radiograph of what a codependent person is. She also suffers from depression and is always worried of what people might think of her or us. She always thinks my marriage and my brother's is in trouble. I need help, I want a happy healthy mom, but I am afraid she won't be calling me again soon or ever!

 

[forgetmenot]

It is good you are helping your father and he is making the effort to beat his illness alcoholism. Your mother you can suggest treatment for her but it has to be her choice or she will get nothing out of it.
You can set boundaries for yourself but it is hard to set boundaries where it concerns your father HE needs to set those boundaries with your mother not allowing alcohol in house etc

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well said, forgetmenot.


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[Los Cazadores]

My mom hasn't called me yet. Making me feel pretty sad and depressed, however I still think I made the right thing...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure I can agree. You are trying to bully her into doing something you think she should do and you have cut her out of your life until she does it. Even if she would comply with your demands - and really why should she? - going to therapy to please another person almost never works. Also you're basing your demands on your beliefs that she is an enabler. That may or may not be accurate but what expertise do you have that allows you to "diagnose" her?

I think you should give up this strategy and apologize for your bullying behaviour. Even if you are right, you can't help someone who you refuse to talk to.


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[forgetmenot]

Can you not see you cannot help her if you are not able or willing to talk to her

Let her be her own person ok you support your father and your mother but you do not control them

I Learned some hard lessons in my life trying to do as you have done it doesn't work

We cannot make someone do what they don't want to do they have to want to make change ok Call Your mom

 

[rdw]

Rather than focusing on what you believe your mother should do regarding counselling, have you thought of seeking help for yourself? I truly believe we are responsible for ourselves and ourselves alone so if you would like to see change make those changes by seeking therapy for yourself.

 

[Los Cazadores]

I think I am being misunderstood here. I am not trying to bully her into anything. I am not diagnosing my mother. We are all codependents of my fathers issue. What I have done is like somebody mentioned above is to place my boundaries. There is a part of my that cannot accept the fact that my mother elects to live with a life full of anger, trust and resentment. It does not allow me to heal. I have seen a therapist for the past few years. Just like my dad did he did not accepted his problem and decided to go to therapy until he was ready to. All I ask for my mom is to accept her codependency... And seek help for her own sake. I never fought her, I don't hate her, I just want to see her well.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

She needs to determine when or even if she does that, not you.

You said you refuse to talk with her until she complies with your wishes. That to me sounds like bullying and control. I would prefer to see you trying to move in the direction of compassion and understanding.


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[MHealthJo]

It's a very hard situation when we've got a lot to worry about in our family.

There's an excellent book that can help everyone to have as much clarity as possible about where to draw lines, and how to do so... (I find that is one of the hardest, most subtle / delicate, and confusing things to work out). The book is The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships by Harriet Lerner.

It's absolutely excellent for getting clear understanding on what actions are likely to create what effects. Hugely recommended.

I hope that things work out well for you and your family Los Cazadores.

 

[forgetmenot]

I know you are trying your best to help your family and it is very hard to see someone you care about not want to get the proper help she needs. You are harming your mother when you try to take control from her when you put in do this or else it is taking her choice away from her and pushing her away .
She is her own person all you can do is show her really by example by going to therapy and your father too and perhaps w hen she sees you both changing both healing she will want to change too become more independant stronger like you and your father are.

 

[PrincessX]

The funny thing with ultimatums is that they almost never work...
In my understanding of the basic mechanisms of structured approaches, there is usually something wrong with a strategy that does not work.

 

[Los Cazadores]

Again. I am not NOT speaking to her, and I believe that's what everybody is thinking. I know she will benefit the most from therapy when she actually seeks help on her own. Whenever she is ready. And part of me cannot heal allowing that toxicity in my life.

 

[forgetmenot]

I understand if you separate yourself from the toxic environment i do and that is to protect yourself You look after you that is a good thing to do
I hope in time your mother will seek healing for herself wish you and your family all the best

 

[rdw]

I think we believe that because you said in your first post that you gave your mother an ultimatum to seek help and not to call you again until she had complied with your wishes . Has your position changed from the first post?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Exactly. You said this in your first post:

My mother in the other hand has been showing a very negative behaviour (started years ago) but has gotten worst ever since he started rehab. During the 6 weeks my dad was in rehab my mother took off to visit "relatives" she had only met once and was unavailable to contact her for days at a time.(which is extremely rare for her) I explained to her that it was imperative that she went to therapy as well during the same time he was away. She has refused since then to admit she is codependent. During family therapy at my dad's rehab centre she says "it's all his fault" over and over. She is very sensitive so I had said that we are all codependents and that his alcoholism has affected us all in many different ways. I have tried hundreds of times to invite her to seek help. I live in a different country so this mostly has been done by phone or email.

This week I gave her an ultimatum, I told her I don't want her to phone me again until she tells me she has booked an appt with a therapist. I had to do that because I found out she has had a couple drinks in front of my dad and brought alcohol in the house, not to drink for her but gifts for other people. I am aware we can't make alcohol disappear from the universe and that it is not fair to not enjoy a drink in front of my dad when we go out but it is a small sacrifice we all can do and is worth my dad's life.

 

[Los Cazadores]

I know what I wrote. I never said you will never hear from me ever. I said don't call me to ask about me and my health until you have decided to forgive and love yourself..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

And you don't see that as an ultimatum and, at best, coercion and control?


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[rdw]

I'm sorry but I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say to your mom- what point you're trying to make.

 

[forgetmenot]

You are still telling her controlling her really by saying to not call you unless she works on herself first
Your mother is suffering and does not need someone else to judge her ok You can suggest that she get help because you are concerned and love her and want the best for her and then it is up to her to chose. Putting statements like don't call me until you do look after yourself harms your mother
It is hard to watch someone we care about not see they need help i understand that. You can only really gentle continue to encourage your mother to get therapy and explain to her how it has helped you and your father and then when she is ready she will chose what is best for her she will.