Hello, and thank you for this wonderfully helpful forum!
I became interested in mental health by force - I had a couple of severe breakdowns in 2002/2004. I'm still trying to gain some equilibrium after developing clinical depression & CFS, going broke & losing everything. This all seems to have been going on way too long - if I've learned anything, though, it's that psychological problems build up over a lifetime; they take a while to fix, too.
At the uncomfortable age of 54, I'm now living with my mother (I became homeless). It's a tricky situation for us both, of course. Getting to know my Mum as an adult has been enlightening to say the least - and distressing!
I've become aware of many of Mum's behaviours, which I had replicated in my 'healthy' life, and which caused problems in my relationships. Partners complained that I was never satisfied, was judgmental, manipulative and constantly putting myself down. I saw myself very differently; I thought their comments came from their own problems (they were abusive towards me) ... but now, guess what, I perceive precisely the same traits in my mother! I guess they were right, after all
My other, more sinister, discovery is that she has very hostile feelings towards me - underneath all the loveliness - and she abused me in childhood, along with my father.
I only learned to think of my childhood as abusive when I started therapy. While my Dad wasn't into ritual cult abuse or anything like that, he was extremely violent, emotionally & verbally abusive and neglectful. I have to say I don't know whether he also abused me sexually; there's a possibility.
Once I got past the shock of finding my father wasn't "just a bit strict", Mum's mythical status as long-suffering wife + try-hard mother started to fall apart. She told me some of the things Dad "made" her do to me, which no caring parent would agree to, then added colourful detail about how fiercely she hated having a baby (me) and her sexual jealousy of me, which started before I was 12 and persists to this day.
All credit to her for her honesty - it was one of those therapy miracles. No sooner had a question formed, in my newly-opened mind, than a family member popped up to volunteer the answer!
Mum's honesty is inconsistent, though. Most of the time we play nice - I mean, she does. Then she will suddenly unleash a stream of hatred, resentment and - well, what sounds like fear. This happens about once every other day. Afterwards, everything's back to normal and she literally has no memory of her outburst: "No, I'd NEVER say anything like that to you!"mg:
It's very much as if there are two of her.
My problem is: er, everything?? Having lost my home, security, marriage, job, health and sanity (well, actually the other losses are more like the price of my sanity) I'm living in my Mum's space while making all these nasty discoveries. My capacity for 'healthy detachment' knows no bounds these days ... but I don't really have any strategies for dealing with my current situation, never mind regaining my independence.
I feel guilty for my helpless fury towards Mum - and I feel, just as I did in childhood, like the keeper of the family secret (no-one else ever sees those outbursts). Additionally, I am dependent on her roof over my head. She kind of tricked me into coming here; I won't bore you with the details. We are in an isolated village, middle of nowhere. My chances of getting back out are slim.
I could really do with some advice ... and some reassurance! I dislike being the "ungrateful child" even more than being the "problem child". Currently, I seem to be both
I became interested in mental health by force - I had a couple of severe breakdowns in 2002/2004. I'm still trying to gain some equilibrium after developing clinical depression & CFS, going broke & losing everything. This all seems to have been going on way too long - if I've learned anything, though, it's that psychological problems build up over a lifetime; they take a while to fix, too.
At the uncomfortable age of 54, I'm now living with my mother (I became homeless). It's a tricky situation for us both, of course. Getting to know my Mum as an adult has been enlightening to say the least - and distressing!
I've become aware of many of Mum's behaviours, which I had replicated in my 'healthy' life, and which caused problems in my relationships. Partners complained that I was never satisfied, was judgmental, manipulative and constantly putting myself down. I saw myself very differently; I thought their comments came from their own problems (they were abusive towards me) ... but now, guess what, I perceive precisely the same traits in my mother! I guess they were right, after all
My other, more sinister, discovery is that she has very hostile feelings towards me - underneath all the loveliness - and she abused me in childhood, along with my father.
I only learned to think of my childhood as abusive when I started therapy. While my Dad wasn't into ritual cult abuse or anything like that, he was extremely violent, emotionally & verbally abusive and neglectful. I have to say I don't know whether he also abused me sexually; there's a possibility.
Once I got past the shock of finding my father wasn't "just a bit strict", Mum's mythical status as long-suffering wife + try-hard mother started to fall apart. She told me some of the things Dad "made" her do to me, which no caring parent would agree to, then added colourful detail about how fiercely she hated having a baby (me) and her sexual jealousy of me, which started before I was 12 and persists to this day.
All credit to her for her honesty - it was one of those therapy miracles. No sooner had a question formed, in my newly-opened mind, than a family member popped up to volunteer the answer!
Mum's honesty is inconsistent, though. Most of the time we play nice - I mean, she does. Then she will suddenly unleash a stream of hatred, resentment and - well, what sounds like fear. This happens about once every other day. Afterwards, everything's back to normal and she literally has no memory of her outburst: "No, I'd NEVER say anything like that to you!"
mg: It's very much as if there are two of her.
My problem is: er, everything?? Having lost my home, security, marriage, job, health and sanity (well, actually the other losses are more like the price of my sanity) I'm living in my Mum's space while making all these nasty discoveries. My capacity for 'healthy detachment' knows no bounds these days ... but I don't really have any strategies for dealing with my current situation, never mind regaining my independence.
I feel guilty for my helpless fury towards Mum - and I feel, just as I did in childhood, like the keeper of the family secret (no-one else ever sees those outbursts). Additionally, I am dependent on her roof over my head. She kind of tricked me into coming here; I won't bore you with the details. We are in an isolated village, middle of nowhere. My chances of getting back out are slim.
I could really do with some advice ... and some reassurance! I dislike being the "ungrateful child" even more than being the "problem child". Currently, I seem to be both
