steel_lady
Member
How to reconstruct something that has never been?
In short, all my life I was an object of obsessive and yet non-existent relationship with passive-aggressive, negative and overcontrolling mother. I finally escaped at 25, moving abroad. And now, 11 years later, she is becoming dependent with the progress of the early onset of Parkinson?s. We have no relatives; I will have to take care of her although she is refusing of course to change the country. I don't want her to die in a fight with me, I feel guilty but I do not find any way of relating to her, especially now when the disease is also taking its toll.
I am rational, practical and calm person. I grew up as an only child of a single mother whose principal goal in life seemed to be controlling me. I was always the best in school but it was never enough. Constant criticism, especially directed to small details (how I wear my shirt, how I comb my hair etc.). I never felt loved. When I was craving for attention as a child, I was getting ignored. When I returned as a winner of science competition of the whole region, she said that my clothes are dirty. Growing up I felt under terrible psychological terror, I couldn't concentrate on my studies of constant distractions and brain washing. I couldn't do anything without being interrupted every 2 minutes with marginal things, I couldn't have relationships, I was getting depressed and paranoid. I started to think something is really wrong with me and that the whole world hates me for being bad or is mocking me. The only thing I was sure is that I wanted to go away. And I did. First few years in the ?new world? I was very vulnerable and a subject of abuse, but gradually I got stronger.
Now I feel more confident and sure of myself. I found a life partner who is offering me a lot of meaningful conversations that I enjoy but my preoccupation and remorse towards my mother is growing. I cannot leave her to die alone without anybody by her side. We have no relatives and I have to take care of the last stages of her life. But for that first I have to somehow reconstruct our relationship - the goal that seems impossible. How can I maintain a meaningful conversation with somebody whose only interests are my exterior and my bodily functions plus some supernatural experiences I do not believe in? We have totally different views of life in every aspect, not that she is willing to discuss any of those... I tried as I could but at the end it finishes with her being passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative, making herself a victim and saying she should kill herself. The time is ticking and I cannot avoid the problem anymore but every time I face it, I feel sinking into a hole.
Now I would finally try to have kids of my own and I hope to manage being a good mother but I don't want to feel bitter and resentful the rest of my life knowing that I didn't do enough for my mother and make amends with her at least at the end of her life.
In short, all my life I was an object of obsessive and yet non-existent relationship with passive-aggressive, negative and overcontrolling mother. I finally escaped at 25, moving abroad. And now, 11 years later, she is becoming dependent with the progress of the early onset of Parkinson?s. We have no relatives; I will have to take care of her although she is refusing of course to change the country. I don't want her to die in a fight with me, I feel guilty but I do not find any way of relating to her, especially now when the disease is also taking its toll.
I am rational, practical and calm person. I grew up as an only child of a single mother whose principal goal in life seemed to be controlling me. I was always the best in school but it was never enough. Constant criticism, especially directed to small details (how I wear my shirt, how I comb my hair etc.). I never felt loved. When I was craving for attention as a child, I was getting ignored. When I returned as a winner of science competition of the whole region, she said that my clothes are dirty. Growing up I felt under terrible psychological terror, I couldn't concentrate on my studies of constant distractions and brain washing. I couldn't do anything without being interrupted every 2 minutes with marginal things, I couldn't have relationships, I was getting depressed and paranoid. I started to think something is really wrong with me and that the whole world hates me for being bad or is mocking me. The only thing I was sure is that I wanted to go away. And I did. First few years in the ?new world? I was very vulnerable and a subject of abuse, but gradually I got stronger.
Now I feel more confident and sure of myself. I found a life partner who is offering me a lot of meaningful conversations that I enjoy but my preoccupation and remorse towards my mother is growing. I cannot leave her to die alone without anybody by her side. We have no relatives and I have to take care of the last stages of her life. But for that first I have to somehow reconstruct our relationship - the goal that seems impossible. How can I maintain a meaningful conversation with somebody whose only interests are my exterior and my bodily functions plus some supernatural experiences I do not believe in? We have totally different views of life in every aspect, not that she is willing to discuss any of those... I tried as I could but at the end it finishes with her being passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative, making herself a victim and saying she should kill herself. The time is ticking and I cannot avoid the problem anymore but every time I face it, I feel sinking into a hole.
Now I would finally try to have kids of my own and I hope to manage being a good mother but I don't want to feel bitter and resentful the rest of my life knowing that I didn't do enough for my mother and make amends with her at least at the end of her life.
