My narcissistic mother and my 5-year-old daughter

[Laura]

After years and years of brutal narcissistic abuse, I finally cut off contact (or am trying to) with my N mother. This just happened recently (within the last 2 wks). I blocked emails from her, but now my dad figured out my work email address and sent me a msg stating he has my daughter's birthday present in his car at work, will keep the doors unlocked and will not come out so I can get it. However, I am feeling an overwhelming amount of anxiety over going there to get it. The fear that he will even see me is too much to handle. I am contemplating either having him drop it off with someone else or just not even accepting it. I don't know what to do though. Would my daughter be hurt if she doesn't get a gift from her grandparents? Or will she not even notice? Or will it be really no big deal? Is it worth it to feel this much anxiety? Am I breaking my own no-contact promise to myself by receiving this gift for my daughter?

I am so stuck and I don't know what to do! ...then again, is this just another way for her to keep contact with me? or is her concern about getting a gift to my daughter legitimate? Dealing with an N can be so confusing and exhausting?!

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Re: My N mother and my 5-year-old daughter

I hope someone responded to you in a private message!

I would have suggested politely declining the offer in a short and concise email reply and then block them from contacting you at work. My N mom harassed my aunt and threatened her and drove her to distraction at my aunt's work. Best not to leave yourself vulnerable.

If your dad tracked down your work email, it was probably at your mother's insistence (she was probably harassing him constantly to track you down). My dad does everything my mom wants, and is pretty much her slave. He doesn't seem to have a will of his own, and worships her. Unfortunately, because he won't or can't see what she does to him, his children and his extended family, he's pretty much by proxy been isolated with her. He modeled to me that a relationship involved someone who gives and gives and never gets anything back, and stays and stays and lives with abuse and be very passive and does whatever the partner wants at his own expense. I am lucky I didn't stay in any of those unhealthy relationships. I was threatened and I even resorted to harming myself a couple of times, just like I used to harm myself when I was living at home with mom.

The problem with 'gifts' is when they are from a Narcissist, they aren't really gifts. So you could easily, with clear conscience, tell your daughter unfortunately your grandparents weren't able to provide a gift this time. It's not a lie. Her grandparents, especially grandmother, is incapable of giving something away.

If you accept gifts from a narcissist:
a) that will give them an excuse for you to hear from them or contact them. Normal convention states that under normal circumstances the recipient of a gift has to say thank you. This isn't a normal situation.
b) they gave you something so they will expect something back from you. Narcissists don't give gifts, they hand out hidden clauses and secret unspoken contracts. You have no idea what you are really going to get if you take something because you never get a heads-up on the terms and conditions.
c) in any given situation when it comes to mom (and therefore dad) no matter what you do, there will be a consequence. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, just like always. So instead of putting yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, listen to your gut. You don't want to hurt your daughter - you aren't, you are protecting her. If she doesn't ask why she didn't get a present, don't say anything. If she asks why they didn't give her a gift, say that they weren't able to get one. You can keep it simple now and explain it more later... Later when she's older you can explain that some people don't know how to love so they think if they give people things they can control them. In the meantime she has a mom that loves her and lots of friends and relatives who love her normally. You can make it more clear at a different time, if not right away, that it isn't safe to take things from her grandparents, but it's safe to accept them from other people who just give her things because they love her.

This is not from my experience as a mother, but as a daughter. If I had children my mother would probably try to manipulate them with her games, sometimes with gifts.

Hang in there and be strong!!!