Man... My Gramma and aunt live together in Edmonton. My Gramma moved recently to a smaller apartment and already divided up furniture and dishes and everything so that when she does actually pass away (currently she is 92) my aunt will not have to deal with all of this move and distribution of material goods on top of my Gramma's funeral (anxiety runs in the family)... All the sons are supposed to get together and clean out the garage in a few weeks. But for some stupid reason, my mom is going with my dad. She should stay home because she's managed to make an ass of herself to the point where no one in Edmonton in my Dad's family (and possibly her own family) would want her to come over for a visit. They want nothing to do with her. They know what she is like. So anyway, my mom is probably going to be alone with my Gramma for long periods of time. My Gramma is prone to anxiety attacks. So tell me if I have been over-reacting, but here is a message I sent to as many people in Edmonton as possible (see next post below):
I wasn't sure who else to include in this message, but I had a few ideas that might lessen the anxiety around the house when my mother comes with my dad to stay for... gulp... an entire week with Gramma.
I am quite worried that a) my mom will pester/harass Gramma (because she will be alone with her) into trying to contact me and relay messages back and forth to me. She's already left threatening messages on Doris's answering machine at work. My mom will try tears, begging, threatening, anger, bullying, etc. I will send an email that Doris can print off and make several copies of (because my mom will probably tear up the original and I don't want her getting into Doris's email because my mom may try to use their email to contact me. It will contain boundaries from me. I think this will work. Plus, for the week that they are staying at Gramma's and Doris' I will block their phone # so they cannot be forced to call on my mom's behalf and so my mom cannot try to sneak in phone calls and leave nasty messages on our answering machine (or we might pick up thinking it's Gramma or Doris)... This will take all pressure off Gramma and Doris: they will not feel like they have to appease my mom, it's out of their hands, because I chose to block the number. There should not be any blame for my mom to try to impose except on me, which I don't care.
Anyway, my plan is (easy for me to say because I am not there) can we set things up so Gramma can go somewhere else? We can't make my mom go somewhere else...
Would it be possible for Jennifer, or Susan, or Mary, or Tara, or Mike, or another friend of Gramma's to come pick her up sometime that week that my mom is over?
You guys (or her neighbours or friends) could just say you are taking her to a doctor appointment, or a specialist appointment, or to a physiotherapist appointment, or to a massage appointment, or somewhere else (preferably somewhere other than a place that my mom could try to invite herself along)... Unless you are comfortable laying boundaries saying you just want to visit with Gramma. My mom has made her own life miserable by pretty much isolating herself by behaving badly to Dad's whole side of the family (not to mention her own). It's not anyone's fault but her own, but of course she doesn't think so. She thinks everyone in the world is against her and doesn't think SHE does anything wrong. All she feels is people's anger or anxiety or rejection, she doesn't want to realize that she's the one who brought forth the anger, anxiety and rejection: she's the one who caused someone anger, but she doesn't see that, she just sees that they are angry with her. This is a common perception issue that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have. It is why people with this Personality Disorder rarely, if ever, seek treatment. They may seek treatment for depression or anxiety, but they will stop going to their therapist if they don't get the drugs, or are told they need to change in order to fix their anxiety or depression. It's sad, but it is why they don't get the help they need, and then they continue to further isolate themselves by displaying bad behaviour, disrespecting people's boundaries, neglecting others, manipulating people, turning family members against other family members, having hysterical narcissistic rages (temper tantrums), etc. So there you have a general idea of what I've had to grow up with.
It might be possible this way to give Gramma a break from my mother.
And Doris, while you're at it, perhaps you can get Mike to show you how to lock your computer (unless you know how to do this). My mom will snoop, and possibly try to send me an email. You can just tell her you prefer no one but you uses the computer because you have private information from work on there that is not supposed to be shared with other people. You can even say you don't want to get fired or penalized for leaving your computer open and doing non-work related stuff on it (they can monitor your IP address from work or go on to it remotely, and have ways to check what emails or games someone is playing which is against company policy).
Mike could also show you how to make a separate non secure account, so people can still play games on it, but they just can't use your email. My mom might know the settings for her email, or my dad might know, but then if they try to send it from their own server, I've set it up so that email from my parents' server is blocked.
I was thinking if someone takes Gramma out even for a couple hours for lunch in a quiet restaurant, visit at the house for a bit, or go to a movie, or even take her somewhere to visit another person/friend then that would help alleviate Gramma's anxiety so she won't have to feel like she has to lock herself in her bathroom or feel like a prisoner in her own home.
For example:
Monday: someone have her at their house during the day for a couple/few hours for tea
Tues: someone else take her out to a movie during the day
Wed: someone else take her to a quiet restaurant for the day
Thurs: someone take her just for a drive or to a flea market or garage sales
Fri: someone else have her over at the house for a couple hours
Sat: ditto (unless my dad has finished cleaning out the garage, because then he will be with my mom and Gramma and Gramma will not be all alone with my mom).
Sun: Maybe my parents will leave nice and early
Don't know if this is a doable thing, but I've been losing sleep worrying about my mother driving Gramma up a wall and her having some kind of anxiety attack or worse (Gramma not my mom)...
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And the message below is what I sent to my Aunt to print off if my mother is being a complete jerk:
Hi Doris,
This email is something you can print off if you like to give to my parents (best to give a copy to my dad as well) if there are any problems.
If you think I should edit it a bit more, let me know. It's difficult not to sound bitter, but I deleted a couple paragraphs already.
By the way, I will only block your number while my mom is in town.
-Holls-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
Mom you are not allowed to harass people (Gramma, Doris, or other family members) into relaying messages from yourself. You never listened to me, you only heard what you wanted to hear. I don't want to hear what you have to say anymore no matter whose mouth, email or phone message it comes from. I have blocked Gramma and Doris's number for the week that you are in Edmonton. So Gramma and Doris don't have to get the blame for anything. You can blame me, got it? Yes I am smart enough to come up with these things on my own, and I am of sound mind and body. I am not depressed, I am not having my period, I am just an individual who got tired of being enmeshed and not knowing where you started and I began. By the way, my therapist fully supports this. That's TWO therapists that recognize that you have something deeply wrong with you, and that you lack empathy for other people, but you have deep emotions only for yourself.
I certainly don't want you calling other members in the family and leaving threatening voice messages if they don't agree to do your bidding. You have done this with lots of people, as well as Robin. That is a sign of someone who is very unstable. How are you going to score any points with me or anyone else by doing this? Instead, what you will do is make yourself even more isolated, and solidify my choice of No Contact. I am not a fan (no one is) of you calling family members when Dad isn't around and saying things, and then not telling Dad or telling him you said something else and it was misinterpreted. This is called gaslighting. You can do it so easily with Dad because he believes everything you say.
Sincerely,
your daughter, Holly
PS: I told Doris to print this off so she could give it to you if you start your manipulation games. You have called people remorselessly, including Joline (David's mom), at any hour of the night or day you choose. You need to listen to people when they say they need space. You have to learn not to invite yourself or bully people around when they want to space away from you. How can anyone trust you if you walk all over their boundaries?
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Aaaand then my husband and I had a discussion (I should have bounced all this off of him because my boundaries/filters are a bit wibbly)... So I wrote this to my relatives:
"*sigh*
I was just thinking about this and now I feel bad for sending it. You guys are all adults, you can set your own boundaries, I am sorry I tried to interfere.
I apologize, I am used to trying to jump in and rescue people (that don't necessarily need to be rescued and it is not my job to rescue people, the people can do that themselves)...
Whenever my mom comes into the picture I just get very anxious."
I wasn't sure who else to include in this message, but I had a few ideas that might lessen the anxiety around the house when my mother comes with my dad to stay for... gulp... an entire week with Gramma.
I am quite worried that a) my mom will pester/harass Gramma (because she will be alone with her) into trying to contact me and relay messages back and forth to me. She's already left threatening messages on Doris's answering machine at work. My mom will try tears, begging, threatening, anger, bullying, etc. I will send an email that Doris can print off and make several copies of (because my mom will probably tear up the original and I don't want her getting into Doris's email because my mom may try to use their email to contact me. It will contain boundaries from me. I think this will work. Plus, for the week that they are staying at Gramma's and Doris' I will block their phone # so they cannot be forced to call on my mom's behalf and so my mom cannot try to sneak in phone calls and leave nasty messages on our answering machine (or we might pick up thinking it's Gramma or Doris)... This will take all pressure off Gramma and Doris: they will not feel like they have to appease my mom, it's out of their hands, because I chose to block the number. There should not be any blame for my mom to try to impose except on me, which I don't care.
Anyway, my plan is (easy for me to say because I am not there) can we set things up so Gramma can go somewhere else? We can't make my mom go somewhere else...
Would it be possible for Jennifer, or Susan, or Mary, or Tara, or Mike, or another friend of Gramma's to come pick her up sometime that week that my mom is over?
You guys (or her neighbours or friends) could just say you are taking her to a doctor appointment, or a specialist appointment, or to a physiotherapist appointment, or to a massage appointment, or somewhere else (preferably somewhere other than a place that my mom could try to invite herself along)... Unless you are comfortable laying boundaries saying you just want to visit with Gramma. My mom has made her own life miserable by pretty much isolating herself by behaving badly to Dad's whole side of the family (not to mention her own). It's not anyone's fault but her own, but of course she doesn't think so. She thinks everyone in the world is against her and doesn't think SHE does anything wrong. All she feels is people's anger or anxiety or rejection, she doesn't want to realize that she's the one who brought forth the anger, anxiety and rejection: she's the one who caused someone anger, but she doesn't see that, she just sees that they are angry with her. This is a common perception issue that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have. It is why people with this Personality Disorder rarely, if ever, seek treatment. They may seek treatment for depression or anxiety, but they will stop going to their therapist if they don't get the drugs, or are told they need to change in order to fix their anxiety or depression. It's sad, but it is why they don't get the help they need, and then they continue to further isolate themselves by displaying bad behaviour, disrespecting people's boundaries, neglecting others, manipulating people, turning family members against other family members, having hysterical narcissistic rages (temper tantrums), etc. So there you have a general idea of what I've had to grow up with.
It might be possible this way to give Gramma a break from my mother.
And Doris, while you're at it, perhaps you can get Mike to show you how to lock your computer (unless you know how to do this). My mom will snoop, and possibly try to send me an email. You can just tell her you prefer no one but you uses the computer because you have private information from work on there that is not supposed to be shared with other people. You can even say you don't want to get fired or penalized for leaving your computer open and doing non-work related stuff on it (they can monitor your IP address from work or go on to it remotely, and have ways to check what emails or games someone is playing which is against company policy).
Mike could also show you how to make a separate non secure account, so people can still play games on it, but they just can't use your email. My mom might know the settings for her email, or my dad might know, but then if they try to send it from their own server, I've set it up so that email from my parents' server is blocked.
I was thinking if someone takes Gramma out even for a couple hours for lunch in a quiet restaurant, visit at the house for a bit, or go to a movie, or even take her somewhere to visit another person/friend then that would help alleviate Gramma's anxiety so she won't have to feel like she has to lock herself in her bathroom or feel like a prisoner in her own home.
For example:
Monday: someone have her at their house during the day for a couple/few hours for tea
Tues: someone else take her out to a movie during the day
Wed: someone else take her to a quiet restaurant for the day
Thurs: someone take her just for a drive or to a flea market or garage sales
Fri: someone else have her over at the house for a couple hours
Sat: ditto (unless my dad has finished cleaning out the garage, because then he will be with my mom and Gramma and Gramma will not be all alone with my mom).
Sun: Maybe my parents will leave nice and early
Don't know if this is a doable thing, but I've been losing sleep worrying about my mother driving Gramma up a wall and her having some kind of anxiety attack or worse (Gramma not my mom)...
- - - Updated - - -
And the message below is what I sent to my Aunt to print off if my mother is being a complete jerk:
Hi Doris,
This email is something you can print off if you like to give to my parents (best to give a copy to my dad as well) if there are any problems.
If you think I should edit it a bit more, let me know. It's difficult not to sound bitter, but I deleted a couple paragraphs already.
By the way, I will only block your number while my mom is in town.
-Holls-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
Mom you are not allowed to harass people (Gramma, Doris, or other family members) into relaying messages from yourself. You never listened to me, you only heard what you wanted to hear. I don't want to hear what you have to say anymore no matter whose mouth, email or phone message it comes from. I have blocked Gramma and Doris's number for the week that you are in Edmonton. So Gramma and Doris don't have to get the blame for anything. You can blame me, got it? Yes I am smart enough to come up with these things on my own, and I am of sound mind and body. I am not depressed, I am not having my period, I am just an individual who got tired of being enmeshed and not knowing where you started and I began. By the way, my therapist fully supports this. That's TWO therapists that recognize that you have something deeply wrong with you, and that you lack empathy for other people, but you have deep emotions only for yourself.
I certainly don't want you calling other members in the family and leaving threatening voice messages if they don't agree to do your bidding. You have done this with lots of people, as well as Robin. That is a sign of someone who is very unstable. How are you going to score any points with me or anyone else by doing this? Instead, what you will do is make yourself even more isolated, and solidify my choice of No Contact. I am not a fan (no one is) of you calling family members when Dad isn't around and saying things, and then not telling Dad or telling him you said something else and it was misinterpreted. This is called gaslighting. You can do it so easily with Dad because he believes everything you say.
Sincerely,
your daughter, Holly
PS: I told Doris to print this off so she could give it to you if you start your manipulation games. You have called people remorselessly, including Joline (David's mom), at any hour of the night or day you choose. You need to listen to people when they say they need space. You have to learn not to invite yourself or bully people around when they want to space away from you. How can anyone trust you if you walk all over their boundaries?
- - - Updated - - -
Aaaand then my husband and I had a discussion (I should have bounced all this off of him because my boundaries/filters are a bit wibbly)... So I wrote this to my relatives:
"*sigh*
I was just thinking about this and now I feel bad for sending it. You guys are all adults, you can set your own boundaries, I am sorry I tried to interfere.
I apologize, I am used to trying to jump in and rescue people (that don't necessarily need to be rescued and it is not my job to rescue people, the people can do that themselves)...
Whenever my mom comes into the picture I just get very anxious."
