Have you considered meeting up with a therapist regarding these issues with your family?
The thing to remember is that when you grew up in this dynamic you were likely surrounded by people who saw things a certain way and tried to ingrain these beliefs and behaviours in you (as well as your siblings)... I know this because a similar thing happened with myself and my own siblings. Unbeknownst to me/us, we were learning how to survive in an abusive situation where we had no choice but to behave the only way we knew how to get attention of any kind from our mother. She always wanted to be in control of everything so of course she had to know everyone's business and get into everyone's business.
So it wouldn't be surprising to me if you, like a lot of us in similar situations, needed to take some "time off" from our N family dynamic. Like you seem to do be doing with your own family unit right now.
Most books I've read encourage to stay at least a full year figuring things out. There might be belief systems or behaviours that were helpful to you while you were immersed in the dysfunction, but that you find don't work anywhere else. It's really tough to get those out of one's head without having something to compare to, and without having someone show you or give you ideas about what boundaries and enmeshing are...
I know it took me a long time to find "myself" because my mother was so enmeshed in so many aspects of my life, and yet at the same time was very neglectful in other areas...
It sounds like you're off on your journey down that healing path, so I congratulate you. Keep up those good boundaries and stick to 'em. The hardest thing was simply saying "NO" the first time, but it gets easier. Oh, and the other hardest thing is understanding that she doesn't have as much power as you or she thinks she does over you or your family. It's the fear and conditioning that make her "seem" like she has all the advantage over you, but if you ditch this fear and see her for who she really is and what she is doing, she loses that power.
In my case I actually ended up going No Contact, but it's a very personal decision to make. Good luck! ♥
The thing to remember is that when you grew up in this dynamic you were likely surrounded by people who saw things a certain way and tried to ingrain these beliefs and behaviours in you (as well as your siblings)... I know this because a similar thing happened with myself and my own siblings. Unbeknownst to me/us, we were learning how to survive in an abusive situation where we had no choice but to behave the only way we knew how to get attention of any kind from our mother. She always wanted to be in control of everything so of course she had to know everyone's business and get into everyone's business.
So it wouldn't be surprising to me if you, like a lot of us in similar situations, needed to take some "time off" from our N family dynamic. Like you seem to do be doing with your own family unit right now.
Most books I've read encourage to stay at least a full year figuring things out. There might be belief systems or behaviours that were helpful to you while you were immersed in the dysfunction, but that you find don't work anywhere else. It's really tough to get those out of one's head without having something to compare to, and without having someone show you or give you ideas about what boundaries and enmeshing are...
I know it took me a long time to find "myself" because my mother was so enmeshed in so many aspects of my life, and yet at the same time was very neglectful in other areas...
It sounds like you're off on your journey down that healing path, so I congratulate you. Keep up those good boundaries and stick to 'em. The hardest thing was simply saying "NO" the first time, but it gets easier. Oh, and the other hardest thing is understanding that she doesn't have as much power as you or she thinks she does over you or your family. It's the fear and conditioning that make her "seem" like she has all the advantage over you, but if you ditch this fear and see her for who she really is and what she is doing, she loses that power.
In my case I actually ended up going No Contact, but it's a very personal decision to make. Good luck! ♥
