Hello everyone,
I haven't posted here much as I haven't seen my N mother for about 5 months.
These last few years (even before I realised that she had NPD) I have been emotionally distancing myself from my mother. I have always been her primary source of N supply, and she normally got her supply by terrorising me with her fits of rage and emotional manipulation and guilt-trips. 4 years ago my younger brother was hospitalised for an acute episode psychosis, and this incident and the following years revealed her true character to me and really opened my eyes.
I live in a different country and therefore do not see her very often. When I first moved, I would keep in touch with very frequent phonecalls and emails, so when I started distancing myself the first thing I did was to drastically decrease the phone calls. Around this same time I met my now fiance and started working full time after graduating from university, so I no longer had as much free time for phone calls anyway, and therefore she couldn't really call me on it.
In the autumn of 2010, something really changed in the dynamic between me and my mum. My brother had been hospitalised again earlier that year, and during one of my visits she launched a full assault and personal attack out of the blue. She accused me of thinking that it was her fault that my brother had been hospitalised (she said she could tell from the way I was looking at her), and then she went on to accuse me of not caring about my brother (a blatant lie and she knew it, as my brother and I have always been very close). I got so frustrated with her behaviour that I, for the first time, really raised my voice to her and shouted back. I think she had expected me to cower and apologise to her, so my unexpected reaction must have terrified her. Shortly after this, I cancelled my planned Christmas visit and instead made arrangements to celebrate with my fiance and his parents. We are now celebrating Christmas with his parents every other year.
After this attack, I decreased my phone calls to her even more, as I had reached my limit and was no longer willing to put up with her behaviour. I kept in more regular touch with my father. After a few months of low-contact, she made my dad call me to tell me "Your mother thinks that you no longer want anything to do with her". At the time I didn't realise what a deliberate manipulation this was, so I made my first phone call to her in a month. The background to this is that my mum cut off contact with her own narcissistic mother when I was 9 or 10 years old, and throughout my childhood she kept telling me that she hoped that I wouldn't have a bad relationship with her as an adult. I recognise now that this was another manipulation tactic, as she was placing the burden of maintaining our relationship solely on me.
So for the Christmas of 2012, we celebrated Christmas with my parents-in-law. In early December, my mother called me to inform me that my youngest brother was not coming to visit my parents for Christmas as he had arranged to celebrate with his parents-in-law. My mum then went on to tell me that my other brother (the one who had been hospitalised before) was now dreading Christmas as it was only going to be him and my parents. She was clearly doing this so that I would change my own plans, and when I didn't take the bait she said "I suppose you and your fiance don't want to spend Christmas apart..?" in a final attempt to pressure me into changing my Christmas plans. I told her that changing my plans was out of the question, as we were alternating every year between our two sets of parents. She then kept pushing "But next year, I think you should come here for Christmas", even though I told her in 2010 that from now on we are ALTERNATING. After this phone call I phoned my dad's sister (whom my mother doesn't really like, but she can't show her dislike because my dad is very close to his sister), and I asked my aunt to invite my parents and my brother for Christmas. I did this because I knew that my brother would like that, and also to make the point to my mother that I will not succumb to her attempts at manipulating me. I also knew that my mother couldn't turn down the invitation without looking bad.
So now it's February and I haven't spoken on the phone to my mum (except for a couple of very brief phone calls) since Christmas, and I am now going to visit my parents in a few days. I am very apprehensive about this visit as I suspect my mother is angry with me for not changing my Christmas plans, and probably also for arranging the Christmas celebration with my aunt. The last time I visited she was suddenly acting very nice and understanding, which I realise was just a tactic to make me let my guard down. I worry that she will pull some crazy stunt this time now that she's had some time to reconsider her tactics.
Any advice as to how to behave around my mother when I now see her? What seems to work most of the time is to act unemotional at all times, but sometimes that angers her because she thinks I'm being condescending and "thinking horrible things about her". I am in the process of creating boundaries for myself, but I am not sure if the best tactic for now is to lay low and leave the room when she tries to launch an attack, or to actually confront her when she tries to overstep the boundaries.
I haven't posted here much as I haven't seen my N mother for about 5 months.
These last few years (even before I realised that she had NPD) I have been emotionally distancing myself from my mother. I have always been her primary source of N supply, and she normally got her supply by terrorising me with her fits of rage and emotional manipulation and guilt-trips. 4 years ago my younger brother was hospitalised for an acute episode psychosis, and this incident and the following years revealed her true character to me and really opened my eyes.
I live in a different country and therefore do not see her very often. When I first moved, I would keep in touch with very frequent phonecalls and emails, so when I started distancing myself the first thing I did was to drastically decrease the phone calls. Around this same time I met my now fiance and started working full time after graduating from university, so I no longer had as much free time for phone calls anyway, and therefore she couldn't really call me on it.
In the autumn of 2010, something really changed in the dynamic between me and my mum. My brother had been hospitalised again earlier that year, and during one of my visits she launched a full assault and personal attack out of the blue. She accused me of thinking that it was her fault that my brother had been hospitalised (she said she could tell from the way I was looking at her), and then she went on to accuse me of not caring about my brother (a blatant lie and she knew it, as my brother and I have always been very close). I got so frustrated with her behaviour that I, for the first time, really raised my voice to her and shouted back. I think she had expected me to cower and apologise to her, so my unexpected reaction must have terrified her. Shortly after this, I cancelled my planned Christmas visit and instead made arrangements to celebrate with my fiance and his parents. We are now celebrating Christmas with his parents every other year.
After this attack, I decreased my phone calls to her even more, as I had reached my limit and was no longer willing to put up with her behaviour. I kept in more regular touch with my father. After a few months of low-contact, she made my dad call me to tell me "Your mother thinks that you no longer want anything to do with her". At the time I didn't realise what a deliberate manipulation this was, so I made my first phone call to her in a month. The background to this is that my mum cut off contact with her own narcissistic mother when I was 9 or 10 years old, and throughout my childhood she kept telling me that she hoped that I wouldn't have a bad relationship with her as an adult. I recognise now that this was another manipulation tactic, as she was placing the burden of maintaining our relationship solely on me.
So for the Christmas of 2012, we celebrated Christmas with my parents-in-law. In early December, my mother called me to inform me that my youngest brother was not coming to visit my parents for Christmas as he had arranged to celebrate with his parents-in-law. My mum then went on to tell me that my other brother (the one who had been hospitalised before) was now dreading Christmas as it was only going to be him and my parents. She was clearly doing this so that I would change my own plans, and when I didn't take the bait she said "I suppose you and your fiance don't want to spend Christmas apart..?" in a final attempt to pressure me into changing my Christmas plans. I told her that changing my plans was out of the question, as we were alternating every year between our two sets of parents. She then kept pushing "But next year, I think you should come here for Christmas", even though I told her in 2010 that from now on we are ALTERNATING. After this phone call I phoned my dad's sister (whom my mother doesn't really like, but she can't show her dislike because my dad is very close to his sister), and I asked my aunt to invite my parents and my brother for Christmas. I did this because I knew that my brother would like that, and also to make the point to my mother that I will not succumb to her attempts at manipulating me. I also knew that my mother couldn't turn down the invitation without looking bad.
So now it's February and I haven't spoken on the phone to my mum (except for a couple of very brief phone calls) since Christmas, and I am now going to visit my parents in a few days. I am very apprehensive about this visit as I suspect my mother is angry with me for not changing my Christmas plans, and probably also for arranging the Christmas celebration with my aunt. The last time I visited she was suddenly acting very nice and understanding, which I realise was just a tactic to make me let my guard down. I worry that she will pull some crazy stunt this time now that she's had some time to reconsider her tactics.
Any advice as to how to behave around my mother when I now see her? What seems to work most of the time is to act unemotional at all times, but sometimes that angers her because she thinks I'm being condescending and "thinking horrible things about her". I am in the process of creating boundaries for myself, but I am not sure if the best tactic for now is to lay low and leave the room when she tries to launch an attack, or to actually confront her when she tries to overstep the boundaries.
