My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

For me in my 20s and early 30s, a lot of my depression was really loneliness -- but I didn't know it fully until getting more in touch with my feelings in therapy.

Another example is in the elderly. A lot of elderly people who are lonely are medicated for anxiety or depression when really their underlying issue is loneliness.

The studies on loneliness actually show a lot of similarities between young adults and the elderly.

I would argue that even if you hated everyone's guts, just working on socialization would help with your inner life by building frustration/distress tolerance and other factors like self-acceptance. "Interpersonal mindfulness" is a favorite phrase of mine and developing that increases mindfulness in general.

 

[Daniel E.]

Getting hurt, hurting back.

But we have all been hurt before in the past. And that helps build resilience, allowing us to live more fully.

Anxiety focuses on future hurt, forgetting in a way what one has already survived and been through -- and the worst is often already over, especially as one becomes more resilient over time.

Just like it's hard to enjoy a flight if you are bracing for impact and expecting the worst.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

And from one of my favorite quotes:

"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Anaïs Nin - Wikiquote

Anaïs Nin - Wikipedia

More by Anaïs Nin:

"Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage."

"To withhold from living is to die ... the more you give of yourself to life the more life nourishes you."

"We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are."

 

[Daniel E.]

And many social and psychological issues are largely cultural too. Robert Thurman makes the point that the American dream is to live on a property so big you don't have to see anyone else -- you against the Universe.

And:

Perfectionism Among Young People Significantly Increased Since 1980s, Study Finds

They measured three types of perfectionism: self-oriented, or an irrational desire to be perfect; socially prescribed, or perceiving excessive expectations from others; and other-oriented, or placing unrealistic standards on others.

The study, published in the journal Psychological Bulletin®, found that more recent generations of college students reported significantly higher scores for each form of perfectionism than earlier generations. Specifically, between 1989 and 2016, the self-oriented perfectionism score increased by 10 percent, socially prescribed increased by 33 percent and other-oriented increased by 16 percent...

"perfectionism is rising among millennials."

 

[gooblax]

It's really hard to justify inviting that sort of thing into my life when thinking about a stupid comment by my therapist from 6mths ago can still bring me to tears, for example. If I didn't have feelings about that "relationship" then it wouldn't be a problem.

 

[Daniel E.]

How Not to Care When People Don't Like You

“Spending time with people that care about you can boost your self-esteem and help you to feel more secure.”

 

[gooblax]

I've been trying to say for the most part I've never been particularly bothered by people not liking me much. And then there are the couple of exceptions that have screwed me up. I don't want any more exceptions.

 

[gooblax]

I think I've decided on how to start the topic (how I feel about sessions now and why I think that is, plus stuff from sessions in 2008) next week. The trouble with it being a week away is that I'll no doubt change my mind again. There's just this false sense of urgency about resolving it but I don't know if it's even possible to resolve.

On that note I've also been looking into whether there are any other therapists locally that I might want to try instead. Maybe someone who works more relationally to help me with this weird stuff. As much as I want to make things work with my current therapist, perhaps he can only help with more concrete things like my fear of driving or writing my work-competence self assessment. But this weird stuff is on my mind all the damn time and I really need a plan for getting it sorted out.

 

[Daniel E.]

I like Psychology Today as one way for finding therapists. They have an Australian website too: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au

 

[gooblax]

I imagine it will be difficult to choose. At least for the ones that offer a free phone consult I'll get some more practice with phone anxiety.

But I'd like to talk to my current therapist first and let him know, give him a chance to come up with a plan to make a plan... And if he doesn't want that chance, then decide on whether I want to try having 2 therapists for awhile (because that will affect what I tell the 2nd one during the consult).

The other choosing issue is about age and gender, which in itself might be more difficult than it should be.

 

[Daniel E.]

But I'd like to talk to my current therapist first and let him know, give him a chance to come up with a plan to make a plan... And if he doesn't want that chance, then decide on whether I want to try having 2 therapists for awhile (because that will affect what I tell the 2nd one during the consult).

Of course, your current therapist has inspired this thread in the first place. Diminishing returns is what I would be concerned with, personally, by sticking with the same therapist.

Even in general, I believe there is a lot of benefit in getting different perspectives from different therapists over a period of time/years.

In other words, why give your current therapist more chances to disappoint you? At least with a new therapist -- even if they fall short -- they will likely provide something new.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: "give him a chance to come up with a plan to make a plan"


"Real obstacles don't take you in circles. They can be overcome. Invented ones are like a maze." ~ Barbara Sher

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” ~ Deepak Chopra


And the American idea of closure is to leave a negative review on Google

 

[gooblax]

I do see what you mean, but I don't want to do that. The idea of never seeing him again is just so upsetting to me that I can't entertain a cold turkey ending like that. Whereas if I can shift some of this emotional intensity somewhere else first I'll have a better perspective to assess the situation.

 

[Daniel E.]

Whereas if I can shift some of this emotional intensity somewhere else first I'll have a better perspective to assess the situation.

Exactly There's also country music

 

[gooblax]

There's also country music

I don't think I need to access my "rage" emotion :lol:

 

[Daniel E.]

The other choosing issue is about age and gender, which in itself might be more difficult than it should be.

For me, therapists who have more of a psychodynamic or trauma-focused ("old school") approach seem more nurturing/feminine to me than therapists who are just doing mostly CBT or variants like solution-focused or mindfulness-based CBT (which I consider to be rather like McMindfulness). So, as it turned out, most of my male therapists have seemed more feminine to me (in that respect) than my female therapists.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, part of the reason most therapists in the US are women is because the profession has become less profitable than it used to be due to insurance nightmares. All but one of my male therapists seemed to work more hours than my female therapists. I guess the male therapists had more pressure to be "providers" or "success objects." Two of my male therapists had full-time jobs during the day for an agency and then moonlighted in the evenings doing private therapy.

 

[Daniel E.]

A reminder of one of David's favorite quotes:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right.” ~ Henry Ford

 

[gooblax]

The idea of a woman therapist being nurturing (or synonym of) towards me really kinda squicks me out. The idea of a male therapist doing the same just seems alien. And I wonder whether I'd just encounter the same problem with a different therapist... by being so guarded that it makes a connection impossible, while simultaneously really wanting a connection, and hating myself for wanting something disgusting and impossible. :facepalm:

Part of the stuff I'd inadvertently need to address is either internalised misogyny or at least a history of not being authentically myself in friendships due to what I was told were incorrectly gendered interests/likes. I'm not sure whether there's a gender/age combo or even a therapy framework more likely to be conversant about that stuff, or if it's solely down to attitude/experience.

 

[Daniel E.]

One therapist's humanistic/existential perspective:

https://www.drbarrybrody.com/blog1/?p=189

In the consulting room….

When the door closes….

It is just me and the patient.

And the experience.

There is no way to prepare. You either have and tolerate the experience or find someway to avoid it.

A good way to avoid the experience is to rely on what I know–-theories, techniques, what has been effective with other patients. This way I won't have to discover anything new.

Of course, the patient also brings their well-developed experience-avoiding skills.

If we are lucky, then perhaps one day, one session either myself or the patient or both of us will be able to stop avoiding and tolerate the experience.



...The difficult trick is to resist and allow you, if you will, to find your own answers.

It is your journey, not mine.

My journey started a long time ago.

As Fritz Perls one said, “Everybody wants to be somebody, nobody wants to grow”.