My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

The EAP people replied and to my surprise they didn't have a problem with my 'issue summary' being about my current therapist. I'm not surprised, however, that they only have sessions available at awkward times.

I think I know which time slot to pick. But I'm reluctant to put it in yet, in case my therapist happens to reply and say he can talk to me in that time slot (not sure why I'm imagining that they'd unfortuitously align time slots, but less convenient things have happened). I'll give him til this evening to reply, then just book the EAP session.

I've been extremely unproductive with checking my emails over and over, but at least that's one less that I'm waiting for.

 

[gooblax]

Replied to the EAP thing. No reply from therapist. :down:

 

[Daniel E.]

No reply from therapist. :down:

Pathetic!!!!!

is my American response

My more balanced response is he shouldn't even use e-mail at this rate. Just voice communications, e.g. phone tag.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree.

 

[gooblax]

I dunno what the deal is. Maybe he's not used to clients that have this level of email anxiety. Or he's unsuccessfully trying to desensitise me to it.
On Monday after sending the email I started feeling better than I had since the session, because I'd given myself a bit of hope that maybe he'd be willing to help me with this stuff.
Whereas yesterday I got increasingly anxious about him not replying and made myself upset again. This is why I wasn't going to do emails with him again, but I obviously got too complacent about it.
:facepalm:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think it's just plain rude. And inconsiderate.

 

[gooblax]

Maybe that's the Canadian politeness coming through

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would call it common courtesy.

 

[gooblax]

What's the line between it being that vs. a reasonable boundary for looking after himself, though?
He's probably on a holiday or something.

 

[Daniel E.]

It seems more like par for the course for him, though -- or back to his old ways. The only therapist who did not reply within 24 hours to me on weekdays was a clinical psychology student who only did therapy part-time, and she apologized even though she basically made nothing doing the therapy. But usually she got back to me within hours, not days.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Also if he were on holiday, courtesy and common practice would call for him to let his clients know that in advance.

 

[gooblax]

Sure, if he thought it was going to affect them. Whereas with me we didn't book a session for 3 weeks so it would stand to reason that it wouldn't affect me if the holiday was this week so there'd be no reason to bring it up... Unless I did what I've done, which is make the mistake of emailing.

I know I seem to make excuses for what happens, but he's been successfully practicing for years so it can't just be a problem on his end. Obviously his idea of reasonable timeframe for replies doesn't match what my freaking-out-feelings want, but freaking-out-feelings aren't necessarily going to have anything reasonable about them so they're not a good indicator.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I disagree. He should give notice to ALL his clients if he’s going to be away in case any of them have a crisis. He should also make arrangements for a colleague his clients can contact if it is something urgent.

Let’s face facts: this guy lacks sensitivity, courtesy, and simple respect for his clients. He has demonstrated this repeatedly.

He may also lack competence: the fact that he’s been in practice for some time doesn’t rule that out. He certainly doesn’t seem to be helping you very much.

Frankly, I think he’s a jerk.

 

[gooblax]

He does help sometimes. For example after his encouragement the session before last, I actually made it outside 3/5 mornings before work on my work-from-home days when it had been 0/5 previously.
But when things go awry between me and him it seems to unhelp some of the positive stuff. So far I'm 1/3 this week.

 

[Daniel E.]

But when things go awry between me and him it seems to unhelp some of the positive stuff.

Yeah, well said. That is why I quit my last therapist.

And even if he was a saint, personality is a subjective factor for what is a good match. A lot of people like Dr. Phil, and a lot of people think he is a bully. What matters is what is true for you.

(And if more therapists elicted feedback in a major way and took it seriously (or at least were more client-centered and less theory-centered), then there could be less cancellations, resistance, etc.)

 

[gooblax]

Perhaps I've got some sort of 'repetition compulsion' around this stuff. I knowingly went into it hoping that I could correct for the past where I couldn't talk to him. Maybe I need to reframe it - now I can bring in lists to talk about, write/read out things I've written to him, and write giant emails where I explicitly state what I'm trying to get across. Maybe I'm not saying things in a way that he can hear me, but I am talking now and if he's not working to hear me as much as I'm working on being heard then that's a problem that's on him.

But it feels like not getting what I want from him, specifically, means that I shouldn't want it / don't deserve it etc. And that never seeing him again will be massively painful.

I was already drawing the link between "I feel emotionally rejected when he only focuses on practical/behavioural stuff" and "my parents' focus was on practical/behavioural stuff too." If I'd spoken up for myself at the start of the session and interrupted his agenda with my dot points, I likely would've told him that. Although I'm more firm about wording it in that way now than I was at the time of the session, and it's the first thing I'm telling him whenever I next speak to him.

My EAP booking got updated after fluffing around on a phone call. So it's on Friday which is much easier to deal with than it was going to be. I've looked up the person they've assigned and it's definitely not someone I'd have picked but I'll roll with it, given where my picking has got me.

 

[Daniel E.]

I was already drawing the link between "I feel emotionally rejected when he only focuses on practical/behavioural stuff" and "my parents' focus was on practical/behavioural stuff too."

I no longer entertain behavioral therapy exercises except for 16 respirations per minute

 

[gooblax]

This is ridiculous. It's so hard to concentrate on doing any work when all I'm thinking about is not hearing back.
I'd say that I don't know what I was thinking to have put myself back in this position by emailing, except I do know what I was thinking and can't believe I was so stupid to have forgotten why I shouldn't.

And can you ****ing believe it now I'm wondering if I should perhaps call his ****ing mobile to leave a voice message in case he has that and not emails. No I ****ing shouldn't. When that would go unanswered too, then where would I be? I need to just give up and move on somehow.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The problem is not you. The problem is him. There's really no question about that. Total lack of consideration or respect on his part.

 

[gooblax]

It certainly feels like I am the problem.