David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Save the bullet for him.
- Thread starter gooblax
- Start date
gooblax
MVP
The couple of times I've felt angry about it, it just feels worse.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I understand. It’s like an abusive relationship where he keeps you hanging on hoping it will get better. [emoji20]
And, generally speaking, you can't make Carl Rogers out of Dr. Phil.
gooblax
MVP
I want to text him to ask what the deal is. 
I've drafted one up. I know if he doesn't reply I'll feel like **** until the session on Thursday but I'll also feel like **** if I don't do it.
Edit: I sent it. Going for a bike ride now and will try to tie up any hope of replies this week and sink them in the river.
I've drafted one up. I know if he doesn't reply I'll feel like **** until the session on Thursday but I'll also feel like **** if I don't do it.Edit: I sent it. Going for a bike ride now and will try to tie up any hope of replies this week and sink them in the river.
#NoExcuse
My 2-cents, in case it is not clear already what I think about the situation:
You are not dealing with a professional. He has made that clear on a number of occasions, especially since the e-mail issue has already been addressed in therapy. I would not give him another dime. I would cancel all future appointments. I would not pay even for a final therapy session. He doesn't deserve it. If he engaged in best practices, none of us would be having this conversation.
I would have left when he said he liked me less than other clients. At the very minimum, that would say to me that it's "not a good fit" since people who hurt my feelings don't deserve to be paid.
You are obviously resilient. But you shouldn't have to be resilient in dealing with BS from your therapist. Therapy should not add to "problems of living."
I am being direct since you are not putting yourself first. Especially with his rate going up, he sees himself as a professional, so there is no excuse for him giving you low, if any, priority.
People in abusive relationships tend to be stuck between "he's too good to leave" vs. "he's too bad to stay." I don't see what you see in him, obviously. I am sure he must have some positive qualities for you to be attached to him. But you seem better off seeing someone who genuinely cares about you on an ongoing basis. Perhaps even the EAP counselor.
My 2-cents, in case it is not clear already what I think about the situation:
You are not dealing with a professional. He has made that clear on a number of occasions, especially since the e-mail issue has already been addressed in therapy. I would not give him another dime. I would cancel all future appointments. I would not pay even for a final therapy session. He doesn't deserve it. If he engaged in best practices, none of us would be having this conversation.
I would have left when he said he liked me less than other clients. At the very minimum, that would say to me that it's "not a good fit" since people who hurt my feelings don't deserve to be paid.
You are obviously resilient. But you shouldn't have to be resilient in dealing with BS from your therapist. Therapy should not add to "problems of living."
I am being direct since you are not putting yourself first. Especially with his rate going up, he sees himself as a professional, so there is no excuse for him giving you low, if any, priority.
People in abusive relationships tend to be stuck between "he's too good to leave" vs. "he's too bad to stay." I don't see what you see in him, obviously. I am sure he must have some positive qualities for you to be attached to him. But you seem better off seeing someone who genuinely cares about you on an ongoing basis. Perhaps even the EAP counselor.
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gooblax
MVP
He replied to the text a couple of minutes ago. Apologised, said there'd been a death in the family and he'd been moving house at the same time.
Instead of cancelling the session on his behalf, I've asked if he needs to reschedule it. I'd rather know now than on the day, but he might not get back to me so I'll assume it's off unless I hear otherwise.
Guess there's just too much going on for him to be able to provide what I need.
Instead of cancelling the session on his behalf, I've asked if he needs to reschedule it. I'd rather know now than on the day, but he might not get back to me so I'll assume it's off unless I hear otherwise.
Guess there's just too much going on for him to be able to provide what I need.
A blast from the past:
My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 13
My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 30
"Real obstacles don't take you in circles. They can be overcome. Invented ones are like a maze." ~ Barbara Sher
And from you last October:
My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 15
My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 13
My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 30
"Real obstacles don't take you in circles. They can be overcome. Invented ones are like a maze." ~ Barbara Sher
And from you last October:
My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 15
He replied yesterday afternoon. Apologised for the slow reply cause he's been doing training stuff. It really wasn't slower than most other times so I dunno there - seems more like a reaction to "if we're unable to resolve this it will have to be my last session."
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gooblax
MVP
I can't do it. It hurts too much.
Like the song says, "breaking up is hard to do." To be honest, I have never switched therapists per se. I have stopped therapy and then resumed later with a different therapist. I did though fire my last therapist since I did not appreciate his backward way of blaming me my anxiety/OCD.
Haven't you taken a break from seeing him before? I noticed in this thread you mentioned seeing him in 2008/9.
It seems he has been taking plenty of breaks from you, anyway, by not replying to some e-mails over the last year. So you have been without a therapist in a way on-and-off for all this time.
It may also help to frame the situation as seeing a new therapist on a temporary, experimental basis. You did seem to consider going back to your EAP counselor at some point. Unlike most romantic relationships, there are no dire consequences for seeing other people/therapists
Yet another option is to consult with a psychiatrist. Here, a lot of them are now doing video visits because of the COVID-19, and many are listed on PsychologyToday. Some psychiatric providers do therapy as well, particularly the nurse practitioners,. So you have a one-hour initial consult in any case, even if you don't do therapy later.
Personally, I love that everything is going online, including ordering takeout from restaurants. I am considering seeing a personal trainer online to help keep me motivated to exercise more.
Haven't you taken a break from seeing him before? I noticed in this thread you mentioned seeing him in 2008/9.
It seems he has been taking plenty of breaks from you, anyway, by not replying to some e-mails over the last year. So you have been without a therapist in a way on-and-off for all this time.
It may also help to frame the situation as seeing a new therapist on a temporary, experimental basis. You did seem to consider going back to your EAP counselor at some point. Unlike most romantic relationships, there are no dire consequences for seeing other people/therapists
Yet another option is to consult with a psychiatrist. Here, a lot of them are now doing video visits because of the COVID-19, and many are listed on PsychologyToday. Some psychiatric providers do therapy as well, particularly the nurse practitioners,. So you have a one-hour initial consult in any case, even if you don't do therapy later.
Personally, I love that everything is going online, including ordering takeout from restaurants. I am considering seeing a personal trainer online to help keep me motivated to exercise more.
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gooblax
MVP
That was when my mum decided I didn't need to see him anymore. Her idea of therapy sessions was once every 2-3 months though.
I guess so
gooblax
MVP
Next week's session is still on. He said he'd try to reply to my email beforehand but I've said no because the first email is a red herring and I need to discuss other bits rather than the email itself, and the second email was just asking for a call or earlier session so there's nothing to reply to this late in the game. It's the fact that he didn't reply at all to that request that was the problem.
I haven't decided how I'm going to approach the session.
I haven't decided how I'm going to approach the session.
gooblax
MVP
I think I've planned the general idea of what I want to say.
Today is a giant mess. I'm supposed to answer a question for work that I'm struggling to get an answer for. I woke up feeling like garbage but couldn't take the day off due to the question and 2 meetings and a high priority task.
We have a body corporate meeting which was supposed to be in a cafe but now they're closing early so it's happening in my apartment. Said apartment currently looks like this:
****'s sake.
Plus I'm out of bread and milk so don't really have food for lunch (I ate rice for breakfast). And this morning's meeting screwed up so I lost 15mins trying to reconnect to it.
:facepalm:
Today is a giant mess. I'm supposed to answer a question for work that I'm struggling to get an answer for. I woke up feeling like garbage but couldn't take the day off due to the question and 2 meetings and a high priority task.
We have a body corporate meeting which was supposed to be in a cafe but now they're closing early so it's happening in my apartment. Said apartment currently looks like this:
****'s sake.
Plus I'm out of bread and milk so don't really have food for lunch (I ate rice for breakfast). And this morning's meeting screwed up so I lost 15mins trying to reconnect to it.
:facepalm:
gooblax
MVP
Good enough:
Have to get groceries after the meeting - I found some potato gems (aka tater tots) for lunch.
Best plan would be to extract the part of my brain that keeps thinking about therapy stuff and throw that in the bin too, unfortunately seems impossible.
Have to get groceries after the meeting - I found some potato gems (aka tater tots) for lunch.
Best plan would be to extract the part of my brain that keeps thinking about therapy stuff and throw that in the bin too, unfortunately seems impossible.
I was actually looking into that once
I mentioned something like that to one of the top OCD psychiatry researchers in the world. He said it's better to add to the brain than take away
gooblax
MVP
I can't imagine what could be added to fix this other than a bullet.I was actually looking into that once
It does get better. And not just a little better. Like a different life better. You will become your own expert on OCD or whatever rumination-heavy disorder you have. (The two most common are obviously anxiety and depression, and people with OCD have anxiety and usually a history of depression.)
In the meantime, it could help to see a psychiatrist, a personal trainer, a driving instructor, or a piano teacher. This will help at least a little with loneliness, which is one thing that rumination both creates and thrives on. And, anything that is good for the brain, from deep breathing, relaxation, or music to novel experiences, exercise, or SSRIs, will help limit rumination in the long term. Though most people have tried some of these things in the past, it has to be ongoing and comprehensive (like a combination of things), like treating diabetes. But, even if you do nothing, you will probably feel better sooner or later, since these things tend to be cyclical.
What you want to avoid is hopelessness (which you are obviously facing now), since that will inherently derail your own efforts (as in a self-fulfilling prophecy).
BTW:
In the meantime, it could help to see a psychiatrist, a personal trainer, a driving instructor, or a piano teacher. This will help at least a little with loneliness, which is one thing that rumination both creates and thrives on. And, anything that is good for the brain, from deep breathing, relaxation, or music to novel experiences, exercise, or SSRIs, will help limit rumination in the long term. Though most people have tried some of these things in the past, it has to be ongoing and comprehensive (like a combination of things), like treating diabetes. But, even if you do nothing, you will probably feel better sooner or later, since these things tend to be cyclical.
What you want to avoid is hopelessness (which you are obviously facing now), since that will inherently derail your own efforts (as in a self-fulfilling prophecy).
BTW:
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gooblax
MVP
Seeing a driving instructor would certainly increase anxiety and give me something new to ruminate on
After discussing options with my bf, I've just sent an email to contact the counselor that I'd previously selected as the person I'd like to try seeing if I don't stay with my current therapist. I'm going to try to get in for a session with the counselor next week, in case this week with my therapist ends up being no bueno. As it is things are pretty bad, it's only going to get worse if the session goes poorly.
The counselor's available work hours are larger than EAP-person's so it's more likely I'll get in next week (the problem with EAP-person's hours was that they wouldn't work for me when I'm at work in the office... which I will be next week).
Literally as I was typing this, the counselor has replied to my email and said he'd give me a call tonight to book a time for next week.
Deep breaths on this one.
After discussing options with my bf, I've just sent an email to contact the counselor that I'd previously selected as the person I'd like to try seeing if I don't stay with my current therapist. I'm going to try to get in for a session with the counselor next week, in case this week with my therapist ends up being no bueno. As it is things are pretty bad, it's only going to get worse if the session goes poorly.
The counselor's available work hours are larger than EAP-person's so it's more likely I'll get in next week (the problem with EAP-person's hours was that they wouldn't work for me when I'm at work in the office... which I will be next week).
Literally as I was typing this, the counselor has replied to my email and said he'd give me a call tonight to book a time for next week.
Deep breaths on this one.
Seeing a driving instructor would certainly increase anxiety and give me something new to ruminate on
But keep your eyes on the prize: you could get a newspaper route to do before work
gooblax
MVP
Haha the worst part about newspaper routes is having to roll the papers up with the brochures and getting ink all over your hands. Takes even longer if it's forecast to rain and you have to put plastic over each rolled up newspaper.But keep your eyes on the prize: you could get a newspaper route to do before work
Definitely a situation that calls for gloves to prevent hand dryness.
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