My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

Got a session booked with the counselor for late next week. Not sure how I feel about it but I'll guess I'll know some more after the session with my therapist this week.

 

[gooblax]

And now I'm back in the trap of having positive feelings about my therapist, even though just this morning I was getting sad/angry about things again. I think it's the combination of looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hoping that we'll be able to resolve the issues. Both positive and negative feelings about him are distracting.
I'm a bit annoyed that when I scheduled this session at the end of last, I didn't pick today instead of tomorrow (he'd offered the choice, I said either was fine... At the time I thought it wouldn't make a difference. Ha.)

 

[gooblax]

It went ok but I don't feel any better. He looked pretty rough and I feel sad for him without knowing the details.
By the sound of it, he's not making any changes to what he does regarding emails. I asked what we could improve if there was a next time this stuff happened, and he said I could up the urgency of my language when I reach out to him when things are that bad. But this time he wouldn't have been much help due to his situation.

 

[gooblax]

:sob: I dunno what there is for me to say anymore. I just feel so sad about things.

 

[Daniel E.]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/the-important-difference-between-sadness-and-depression

When we're depressed we feel sad about everything. Depression does not necessarily require a difficult event or situation, a loss, or a change of circumstance as a trigger. In fact, it often occurs in the absence of any such triggers. People's lives on paper might be totally fine--they would even admit this is true--and yet they still feel horrible.

 

[gooblax]

The stuff with my therapist is the trigger but I don't really understand what it's triggering or why. In addition to being sad that he's hurting, something about him being there but not available to me is so painful, as childish and selfish as it sounds.

 

[Daniel E.]

Sounds more like a client getting ripped off.

 

[Daniel E.]

...as opposed to "as childish and selfish as it sounds."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/201010/why-psychotherapists-fail-help-people-today

 

[gooblax]

I understand that's what you think about it. To an extent I agree that I'm not getting what I need out of the arrangement. I think it is a 'poor fit' problem (rather than an intentional thing) but I don't know if my needs are possible for any therapist to meet.
He said he was glad that I'm trying other counselors since he wasn't able to help, and isn't going to push me one way or the other with deciding what to do.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I understand that's what you think about it. To an extent I agree that I'm not getting what I need out of the arrangement. I think it is a 'poor fit' problem (rather than an intentional thing) but I don't know if my needs are possible for any therapist to meet.

I'm pretty sure that with a bit of persistence you can find a therapist who will actually help you.

He said he was glad that I'm trying other counselors since he wasn't able to help, and isn't going to push me one way or the other with deciding what to do.

That pretty much says it all. He doesn't know how to help you. That's on him, not on you.

 

[Daniel E.]

but I don't know if my needs are possible for any therapist to meet.

There are a lot of therapists out there

And another way of looking at it is that you are always your best therapist. Therapy helps you be a better therapist to yourself.

 

[gooblax]

I'm pretty sure that with a bit of persistence you can find a therapist who will actually help you.

I'll see how this counselor goes next Saturday. But a good deal of the problem is with how I communicate so while someone might be able to help with some things, maybe it'll always become this sort of mess where it ends up ultimately unhelpful.

That pretty much says it all. He doesn't know how to help you. That's on him, not on you.

We discussed where the disconnect has been. Basically - on my side because of having trouble being able to bring stuff up and talk about my topics plus my interpretations of what that means when that happens, on his side because it's not easy to talk to me, and he might have a plan for the session but doesn't know where my head is at, I find it hard to tell him, and then it doesn't go to plan (e.g. sometimes I'll be upset about something and then won't be able to talk about other stuff until that thing's been dealt with).

And another way of looking at it is that you are always your best therapist. Therapy helps you be a better therapist to yourself.

I'm a pretty lousy self-therapist at the moment. Trying to get better at it isn't easy.


Since I can't help being a weirdo, I sent my therapist an email to let him know that I care and hope he gets the support he needs with what he's going through. Told him not to reply. Regardless of whether it's unhelpful or unwanted, and even though it's not my place to do so, I can't help but care. Got my bf to check the message beforehand to make sure it wasn't going to be a disaster (he thought it was ok as-is). Hopefully this will also let me "release the thoughts to the universe" or whatever mumbo jumbo some people come up with, and get on with my own things.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

We discussed where the disconnect has been. Basically - on my side because of having trouble being able to bring stuff up and talk about my topics plus my interpretations of what that means when that happens, on his side because it's not easy to talk to me, and he might have a plan for the session but doesn't know where my head is at, I find it hard to tell him, and then it doesn't go to plan (e.g. sometimes I'll be upset about something and then won't be able to talk about other stuff until that thing's been dealt with).

No you cannot take full responsibility for that, as he has evidenced repeatedly. He should know this about you by now. Why hasn't he been more effective at helping you to bring things up? Not to mention that you've said he'll keep on talking about something that isn't the main issue for you at the time which makes it more difficult for you to say what you need to say.

 

[gooblax]

No you cannot take full responsibility for that, as he has evidenced repeatedly. He should know this about you by now. Why hasn't he been more effective at helping you to bring things up? Not to mention that you've said he'll keep on talking about something that isn't the main issue for you at the time which makes it more difficult for you to say what you need to say.

I don't know why he hasn't. When we discussed it this time (I mentioned my trouble bringing things up, my suggested strategy, and my interpretation when we don't get to the things) he agreed to the suggestion and also said that I need to bring them up and let him know, and asked if I wanted to be able to do that. I said yes but it's not something I have experience with.

When he gets stuck on other topics for too long it's the same sort of deal. I don't really respond or give feedback. I guess he just doesn't know how to help me with that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sounds to me like he's just not very good at his job.

 

[Daniel E.]

He gave himself away when he said he liked other clients more than you. Maybe you outsmarted him too many times

To say such a thing means he has too much of an agenda anyway, e.g. some therapists speak of "ideal clients" which usually makes me sick when they write about it online in their blogs to other therapists. To me, it is usually a fancy, self-duplicitous way of saying they want "the worried well" who pay in cash every week and are pleasant conversationalists. These therapists seem to have burned out already or are more business-oriented. They did an informal study in the U.S. where a black man couldn't even get a therapist to call him back!

In stark constrast, you have the therapists working "in the trenches" with in-patient clients, community clinic clients, court-ordered, incarcerated clients, or at least generous sliding scale. Those are the more Marsha Linehan "bring it on" types who I admire the most who arguably do the most work in preventing deaths of despair, e.g. suicide and overdose.

In any case, I expect things will only be better with the other therapist you have booked.

 

[gooblax]

Maybe. I get what you're both trying to say, however I don't think it's helping me to read negative stuff about him. It just makes me feel worse at the moment. I do understand your points, I just need a way to stop feeling so sad and reading this stuff just makes me feel like trying to defend him (which then gets me caught up in a knot of "if he's good then I'm the problem" and I can't keep thinking that).
I want to know how a normal client talks to him, if my way of talking is so difficult.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Understood.

 

[Daniel E.]

I want to know how a normal client talks to him, if my way of talking is so difficult.

At one point in the 1970s, screaming in therapy was normal for some, i.e. primal therapy.

Which is basically what is still mostly going on in therapy since most people vent -- just not as loudly


Arthur Janovs Primal Therapy Official Trailer (2018) - An Associative Documentary - YouTube

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I want to know how a normal client talks to him, if my way of talking is so difficult.

I still worry that you blame yourself for the miscommunication when in reality it's pretty clear that there are problems with how he communicates (or doesn't) as well.

That sort of thing can be interactive. I am generally considered to be someone who listens well and communicates quite clearly but I have known people in my life where miscommunication happened more than just occasionally. I don't think I'm communicating any differently and the other other person feels the same but something in our communication styles just ends up colliding or being confusing. One of those people is in my own family.

I think this happens more with sensitive or Highly Sensitive people, with introverts, with those with obsessive or OCD tendencies, or with people who lack self-confidence.

And I think the key is to try to be more direct when what the other person is saying is unclear or ambiguous. Just saying, "Sorry I didn't understand what you said just now" (and don't worry about interrupting - just say it) can often go a long way to clarifying in these situations.