Need help feeling like I do need help

[HotthenCold]

Hi there,

I am about 4.5 months sober and having an odd issue with identifying as an addict because of what I think my sister thinks about my treatment.

Basically I fear she thinks I am not an addict, or that I "shouldn't" affirm that I'm an addict, and that she doesn't support me getting help for various reasons. It's pretty complicated so bear with me.

I was never a non-functioning addict. I did cocaine on the weekends with massive detriments to my mental health, and drank almost every day, often to excess, almost always alone. Also I used to be a compulsive cannabis smoker and only managed to get that under control about 5 months before I sought help with quitting cocaine and alcohol.

I have two sisters and the oldest is a "hard core' addict. The other sister, the non-addict, is the one I feel doesn't support me. There are multiple reasons I feel this way, and it's not clear cut that she doesn't support me at all. She claims to support my healing and treatment, but it seems that she feels a need to control my experience and doesn't really support my involvement in AA. I think the reasons she doesn't support my AA work are:

1) it's not her particular brand of spirituality.
2) it requires affirming that you are an addict, which I think she views as unnecessary and unhealthy
3) I'm not as far gone as our older sister so she might feel I'm just doing it for attention or something
4) She used to counsel me and I went to her for support and guidance, which I no longer need from her because I don't trust her as much, I don't need her guidance, and I don't want to burden her because i was such a mess and it hurt her to see me like that. The point of this one is that I think she fears a loss of control and maybe a bit jealous to see her little brother make progress. She is a very jealous, insecure person.


So the obvious answer is to do what is right for me, and follow my heart, etc, but it's not that easy. My sister has a great deal of influence over me for some reason (I don't like it and I don't know why she does), so I'm finding it very difficult to just accept I'm an addict mostly for fear of what she will say.

How can I overcome this need to appease her and this fear of her opinion???

 

[begonia]

Re: Need help feeling like I....do need help...confusing title, please read for more

4.5 months is still a short time, although I know how long it feels to you. I've been sober for 25+ years, went to meetings, but never on a daily basis. Maybe you don't need to "accept" that you're an addict for the time being; don't force yourself. AA, in my understanding, does not require that. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking--as it says in the Preamble that is read at the beginning of every meeting in my part of the U.S. As for your sister, maybe you can agree to disagree for the time being. You don't need to fix everything right now. She's getting used to you as a sober person, just like you are getting used to it yourself.

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: Need help feeling like I....do need help...confusing title, please read for more

Have you read much about codependency, HTC? It is somewhat of a broad and nonclinical term, but it can be very useful to think about.

Your may find your sister somewhat fits this idea - an unconscious or conscious need to caretake, worry about, and/or control a troubled person, people close to her, or people in general. It allows a codependent person to feel noble, righteous, needed, or loving, and also helps them to avoid their own feelings and avoid focusing on/addressing their own problems. High reactivity, sensitivity, defensiveness, and a 'martyr' or perhaps victim-type identity is often present. A very strong lack of boundaries and of understanding of them.

If this is what is going on, your receiving genuine outside help, and indeed your recovery, threatens this basis of her identity.

(Incidentally, something else that can be an element of a codependent pattern is not being willing to face or admit the nature or extent of a problem, 'outside of the family' - believing or hoping that things can be handled internally 'in the family', and not being a fan of doing things in a way other than this.)

These patterns of relating and this lack of boundaries can be passed down through generations, even if the original addict or troubled person in a family existed generations ago.

The problem with allowing these patterns to continue is that it does threaten progress for you, and it prevents her from ever finding something more real by focusing on her own problems. What you give to her if you allow soft, enmeshed boundaries is certainly not health or happiness; and it helps to keep these things from her.

Does the help you are receiving provide information and assistance with these issues? The key for you with your sister will be about developing stronger boundaries.

You are NOT responsible for her feelings or views, and they are not for you to be very concerned with. You are responsible for yourself and your own life only. She needs to learn to be responsible for herself and her own life only. You must let go of the need to make sure what you think, feel, or do is okay with her, comfortable for her, or approved by her.

You may find you do better by talking less with her - or not at all - about what is happening in your journey.

There are some good books written on these topics. A challenging family system to break out of when it is so ingrained and seems so natural. Try to remember how unhealthy and limiting it is for both of you... and seek whatever assistance you need to become comfortable with the new patterns that need to be created...