Need someone to say I matter

[Hunter]

Won't go into much detail about my life as some of you already know it. But I've been emotionally physically and sexually abused my whole life and it continues well the emotional abuse does.

I've been having horrible flashbacks of the abuse since age 5 to the present. The horrible images won't leave me. I can't eat too much as it makes me nauseous I get about 2 hours sleep at night. I wake up with screaming nightmares. During the day I have visions of the abuse. Abuse never leaves me.

Getting robbed and attacked last week hasn't helped me any. Just preoccupied with what all happened. My husband of 23 years has a girlfriend.

I left my therapist a text today telling him what I cant in person. But I said I can't stop the voices in my head that tell me that I am no good that I will never be anything in life. That I feel so weak, that I feel so unloved, so empty so unwanted and that I don't even know who I am. That I have to take so many meds to feel.better even though I don't feel anything, my body just feels numb.

I value my therapist so great. He is the only one who i feel cares about me.

I don't know if he can do this but I want him to tell me what he thinks of me not as a client but that of a person. Like I don't want him to say she's a basket case. I want him to say good and positive things about me but how do I get him to do this. I just need to know...from him because I respect and value him so much.

 

[gooblax]

Hi Hunter. I think it would be ok to ask your therapist exactly what you’ve written: “What do you think of me - as a person, not as a client? The voices in my head tell me that I am no good and I feel so unloved, so empty, so unwanted and I don’t even know who I am. I don’t want to hear that you think I’m a basket case. I want to hear you say good and positive things about me because I respect and value you so much.”

The way he responds will depend on his training and style, but should be based on genuineness and the care that he’s shown towards you over the past 2 years.

It makes sense that you’d have those thoughts about yourself given all that you’ve been through. Lots of your experiences have told you that you’re no good. But there are a few experiences that have been giving you the opposite message – that you do matter, that you’re strong and capable and valuable. At the moment a lot of these messages are coming from your therapist and it’s ok to rely on him for this while you’re getting treatment. Hopefully he’s also helping you to believe these opposite messages about yourself.

Although my situation is different, I also have a recurring set of thoughts similar to “I don’t matter.” The exercise that my counsellor has given me is: think of one moment when a person (in this case, your therapist) has done something that shows that you’re worthwhile to them. Alternatively you could think of a time when you’ve done something worthwhile for yourself or for someone else, but that can be a harder thing to do when feeling this bad.

Try to imagine the situation happening again - where were they? where were you? what was happening? - and see if you can feel the emotions that came up when the situation originally happened. Let yourself feel the warmth and caring, and feel how valuable and cared about you felt in that moment.

Write down that situation, and over time you can gather a list of situations like that. Try to do the exercise once a day, maybe at the same time every day so it becomes part of a routine. Over time, this is intended to help combat the “I don’t matter” thoughts with real evidence that you do indeed matter.