Never ending struggle

[Ashley-Kate]

Hello
The lies slowly start over with a cross of my fingers behind my back i falsly proclaim that i already ate , that everything is fine that my life is just great but is it all that true .. i don't know anymore i don't know if i enjoye being the way i am i don't know if it hurts me i don't know if i should seek help or wait until i am 18 before i tell a soul then i am home free no one can stop me then nobody am i crazy am i allowing myself to deteriorate without fighting for myself why.. why am i so week .. why people ask and i am sick of it my mom that tells me that i can't do it my sister that believes i won't make it i must not tell them they are right but how would they know how hard it is they don't understand how food to me is dirty impure i hate it and they want me to eat it as i look at myself i see what rape has caused me to do i see what i did to myself what i could have done to stop all of it why am i anorexic .. is it because i need it like my doctor once said is it because withouther i am lost why am i bulimic cause i can't bear the feeling of having elements in my body cause it reminds me of him why am i going insane my body is week i just had a binge fallowed by purging but i can't stop it i stop eating and then i go back to eating too much and then i starve again to afterward over do my bodys endurance to exercises and ten the bulimia starts over again i am lost because i know i am hopeless .. i am scared because i live a secret cause ... no one must no i don't know what to say i don't want there replyto be ... i told you so ... i am just so screwed up...
the hopeless anorexic
ashley-kate

 

[Diana]

Hey! If I were you I wouldn't listen to anyone who tells you that you can't do it. You might be in a position where you have to hear it, but you don't have to believe it. You don't need to be listening to people who say that right now. If I were you i would take a stand (secretly). Promise yourself that you won't believe anything negative that you hear. You can pretend to just listen and then say nothing, but nobody can take away the belief that you keep inside. A belief that although this is really hard, you can get better. Ashley-Kate, one thing I've noticed about you is that you have started to acknowledge what happened to you. You know what happened and it doesn't have to be a secret. You can be angry about it and know that it was wrong, but you must not be angry at yourself, and you must not stay angry forever. I don't mean that you have to accept it as being right, but you can stop punishing yourself for it because you don't deserve that. It's all just part of a process and things can get better. I'm so much better than I was, but nine years later I still lie about having eaten too. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're not hopeless. Are you still in therapy? It's sounds like it was really helping you before. I think you need to keep going to therapy right now and not stop for a while. Keep us posted.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

i would like to convince myself that what they say is rong and that i am goingto be able to get out of this to beet this but the truth is i think of my eating disordr as if it was something that i was born with i was born this way ..w a i not i would like to ssay to everyone that no i am going to get well that i am better than this e-d but the truth is it is as if it is part of me now i can't just abandon it cause i feel that it is the reason of my life .
i am the one they use to make an example of .."look she died of it so don't do it" if you understand what i mean i am scared i don't know what is going on .. i am not in the treatment programma anymore ani have not seena psychologist since i was realeased 4 weks ago and to say honestly it may help me out but i trully doubt it at the point were i am ati have fallow-upsb witch one of them will take place on monday but besides that nothing is put in place to keep me on the right track i feela bandonned in this as if they don't care or they have no hope that i will get out of this so they left me. maybe i deserve it sure i let myself be abbuse di let myslef go back to him i did nothing so why should they help me i am the idiot i chose this life..
me

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sometimes you have to remind people, Ashley. My medical doctor has said that to me: If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you're doing well. If you're not doing well, let me know.

I'm relieved to hear that you have an appointment on Monday. When you are there, make sure you tell the person that you are struggliong and that you need continuing support and encouragement - make sure you also tell them that you're really not getting that support or encouragement at home.

 

[Eunoia]

Ashley, before all of this 'happened' to you, before you started blaming yourself for everything that went wrong, before you developed bulimia and anorexia, you had a purpose in life, right? an ed is never a purpose in life, it's a way to deteriorate more and more, escaping the pleasures of life b/c the pain seems too big to bear. instead of making the purpose of your life to be "see, she struggled w/ an ed and died so don't do it", why don't you work towards "see, she struggled w/ an ed but she was able to overcome it w/ lots of hard work and comittment and a will to live, so you can get better too". You know who has inspired me over the years? Not someone who died of an ed, they brought on a great deal of sadness, but the people who had struggles w/ an ed in the past and have worked tremendously to recover. A lot of them still have the occasional bouts of being triggered or wanting to blame themselves and reverting back to the familiar coping mechanism, but they know that it's a long journey, one where you need all the support you can get. I don't think it's wise at all that you're out of the treatment program without any support at all. In my opinion two reasons why these programs can fail are if they only focus on having the patient gain enough weight which is necessary in some cases but it's only a symptom and surely doesn't 'fix' the disorder, and two, if there is no adequate support after they're released from treatment... if it really were that easy to recover then everything should be fine now, right? but instead you're caught btwn wanting to continue to get better but you're left to yourself, without the great support system you had when you were in treatment- that's not a fault in yourself but a fault in how things were set up... no one will know though until you tell them. pls mention your struggle at your appt. on Monday. If you wouldn't want to get better and hold on to that bit of hope you wouldn't tell us about it, right?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

i'm scaredi don't know what i want anymore nore what i need i am at a loss in this hole thing if i tell them what is goingon i will be admitted for the rest of my adolescant life if i don't tell them then i get to live it i get to be who i was according to me supposed to be anorexic or buimic but i end up hurting myself even more i don't know if i can take it anymore getting the help feeling incompatente i hate being a controled and not being able to keep things controled myself. i feel tiered week and lost i don't know anymore who i am fighting if i am fighting to be myself or if i am fighting to preserve my eating-disorder .. a couple of months ago i was ready to escape this hole lifestyle now it is as if well i got a break of it for a couple of months so i can start back again until i can't take it anymore or it kills me.. but i don't want to dy .... i don't want to have to go through the therapie again the therapie that i mst do to go through my past and to be able to live with it cause althoughit helps me controle my e-d more and see the difference between food and impurity ,, i feel that the therapi is what destroyes me even more
yours trully
ashley

 

[Eunoia]

you are fighting to hold onto your ed b/c it's scarry letting go, this is the way you've dealt w/ your pain and have grown to be familiar with over the years... you are in control no matter what you choose to do, but just b/c you're reaching out for help and being honest doesn't mean you're loosing control- in fact, you're taking control of your life. Even though we know how to do so and live w/ an ed, if you know how to do so and fight this ed, why would you not want to??? The point isn't to admit you or tell you 'we told you so', the point is to help you fight these feelings and urges and support you. I think that every time we struggle and are amibivalent about which way to go, you're so much closer to getting better than you realize, it's like looking at a glass half empty or half full. therapy doesn't destroy you, it destroys the part of you you want to preserve- the ed. it's difficult b/c it makes you face your fears and your demons (ie. past) but that's a good thing, not a bad thing... once you reach the point where you no longer have to be afraid of the past or blame yourself for it, you will have grown as a person, and not been destroyed- but the fears will have been. there's a difference there.

 

[Diana]

Hey sweetie. We're listening to you. I want you to listen to one thing I have to say. What happened to you in the past you didn't deserve. And you don't deserve the suffering you're going through now. You were too young to be held responsible for what happened to you. It doesn't matter that you knew what was going on. Actually, you didn't really know what was happening. You were not mature enough to understand that it wasn't about love. Why do you think there are laws out there to protect young people? You weren't born with this problem. What about before the bad things happened to you that triggered the ed? There are so many reasons for developing an ed. Experiences, influences, genetics, personality, etc, etc, etc... Someone can be physically prone to develping one, but never develop it. You were not meant to be the example of someone who couldn't beat it. You were not meant to be an example of anything. All you should try to do is be the best YOU that you can be. On Monday, don't feel ashamed to explain that you're not doing well with this now. I remember crying over the fact that I needed help and was dependent - I felt like I wasn't a normal adult. Nine years later I've learned that people lean on other people all the time. We're social beings. It doesn't mean we can't do some things independently, but the entire human race relies on other people to accomplish things. Let us know how it goes on Monday.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

cancelation

do to weather reports i will be posponing my appointment at the clinic to probably next week or later because my mom does not want to drive in the poor weather and nore do i. But i will keep you posted on what will happen when i do go but right nowi am on my own for a bit unless the SW from DYP calls me to tell me that she found a psychologist but i have not heard from here in live two weeks. I will be meating psychoeducator at my school that i am a bit comfortable with i will not throw him all of this but it will help to be able to talk a bit about the real things that are going on and not have to fake infront of him.
i will keep you posted , but i am sure everything will go the way it is supposed to at the moment i really don't care what hapens i can't stop it i just can't fight t anymore the little voice now speekslowder than those of my friends and familly and therapist .. i have no clue what can stop her now
yours trully
me

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm glad that you have someone at school to talk to.

I just wanted to say that you're not hopeless. I can only imagine how difficult of a time you are having right now. I have gone through similar struggles and I am still here. I didn't think I would be either, but I am.

I am sorry that you have so little support at home. I hope that you will come here and talk to us when things are really hard.

I like this article:

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=2002

I wish that you could find some way to be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness. You have a very caring heart and I wish you could know that you deserve to be cared about too. I believe that you can one day learn this and believe it. Don't give up.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

Anorexia and bulimia are both disorders that not many people are able to understand ye so why do some people pretend to understand it when the patient themself does not get it at all. One day i can eat like a "pig" and throwing up and another day i go back to dieting strictly , why i don't know i am crazy , i know cause i feel that i need the presence of this disorder she is what makes me feel alive without it i am lost i am just a human nothing more but with her i feel so mych more powerfull and that is what scares me with every number that drops on the scale i feel euphoric with every number that goes up i feel depressed and sad i don't know what to to my life happyness is decided by a number on a scale..
yours trully
ashley

 

[Eunoia]

what's your definition of feeling 'alive'? feeling something- anything really? I don't know, but being too exhausted to do your homework or go out w/ friends b/c you just spend the last couple of hours b&p or b/c you haven't eaten all day, don't really sound like examples of feeling alive to me. I know what you're trying to say, but I won't ever claim to understand what you're feeling 100%, no one can, but I can use my own experiences to try to make sense of this... everyone has different viewpoints though, some like me might have had own experiences w/ eds, others might work in the field and have extensive knowledge of ed's, neither viewpoint is less relevant. They might understand aspects of your ed or ed's in general that you can't see yet. If you think about it, we're so caught up in what we're doing and the symptoms that we can't possibly see our ed as an objective thing- which means there's things we're missing... that others can help us with. That doesn't mean they're pretending, sure some people do, but do not let them get to you. Ask yourself one question: when you were at your lowest weight were you really happy? Happy with who you are, where you're at in your life? Was that a kind of happiness that was possible to sustain for a very long time? I would guess no for both of the questions, but then that wasn't really your life's happiness. It was a false sense of security, of being in control and power, it was a false sense of comfort, a way to push away all of the pain you were holding inside. Your life's happiness is within you and it is a constant journey, not one end point in particular.

 

[Diana]

Your life's happiness is within you and it is a constant journey, not one end point in particular.

I really like that Eunoia.