New and confused

[KiM]

hi guys ...
i am a student in london and am suffering from bulimia. it started with becoming too obsessed with what i ate - then that led to anorexia. i ate though. just very healthily. no sugar, only steamed fish, veggies and fruit. nothing else. and i manged to keep that up for a while ... then i started to get a taste and craving for things again. so i started to eat small amounts which then spiraled out of control and now all i think about is food. i try and eat what i used to eat coz i managed to do it back then, but i LUST. i eat coz i feel like that taste and then i dont stop... im preoccupied with food ALL day, its driving me crazy. then i binge and throw it all up. and get angry when i dont/cant. i am thin - 1m68 and i think at 43 kg, so i know that i can gain a bit and look and feel better than i do now. its just when i start my 'being normal' i always fall back into the vicious sircle that i really want to get out of. i dont live with my parents so i do whatever i want basically. they know i have issues but not that im making myself throw up ... i just wish i could be normal, have breakfast and not want the whole box of cereal, have nice luch and not worry .. enjoy dinner and not be picky about what i can and cant wat/combine ... i just want my body to tell me when im hiungry when im full ... i dont feel that anymore.. i lust and eat when i feel like a cretain taste, not coz my body needs it.
please give me some tips on how to start.... i wanna break free from this. starting ASAP!!!
thanks
KiM xx

 

[Techie]

New and confused ....

Welcome KiM

I cannot give you advice on your ED other than to say you have already made the two 'greatest steps' in my opinion.... 1- Recognising that you have a problem and 2- Resolving to get past it.

Reaching out to forums like this is great... it gives you a safe place to voice your opinions and feelings. Others can share thoughts with you...

What you used to eat... the fish, veggies, fruit no sugar... I have been living on that out of necessity up until I had my lapband surgery last weekend. It is similar to the Atkins diet... no carbs no sugars (very importantly NO FRUIT) because it raises levels of a chemical called KETONE in your blood that rids the liver etc of glycogen (fats) and excess water. The cravings came from eating the fruit. The sugar in the fruit causes the craving and hunger pangs. It causes a release of insulin that couteracts the Ketone.

Only people who are overweight should be on a diet like this, obviously. And only while under medical supervision.

Being too thin, I think, is worse than being too fat because your body cannot call on reserves of energy to help fight off illness or infections. Generally it would be harder to recover from being too thin than being too fat ??

Of course, I cannot get into the reasons why you feel you need to binge then purge, nor can I talk about your self-image and if that comes into play here... but I and everybody else here is more than willing to listen !

Please feel like this is a place where you can talk.

Kindest wishes,
Kev

 

[KiM]

New and confused ....

thanks kev!!
i do feel better to out what i feel inside, its good to get it off my chest.. its been bottled up too long!
and i never realized that fruit created cravings ... ive been eating loads an loads of fruit for 3 years now and never wanted or carved anything else/ its just when i started to eat other things like chocoloate or chicken etc that i started to crave something more substantial after i ate fruit ..
i dont know why i binge nad purge, its a relatively new thing for me and want it to stop. it jsut seems so out of my control!! coz i do have good intentions alot of the time and then i mess them up!! its a vicious circle..
i am going back home next week for 2 weeks so i hope that, along with this, might actually help me beat this!
KiM

PS. just wondering if someone can tell me what binging and purging can do to your body ... and whether your body actually gets back to normal? functioning normally?

 

[ThatLady]

New and confused ....

Yep. I can tell you some of the things binging/purging can do:

Repeated binging/purging can leave you with mottled teeth, scores and scars on your hands, and "chipmonk cheeks", among other things. However, there are worse things that can result from purging. Repeated purging depletes electrolytes in your body, such as potassium, which can lead to sudden heart attack. It also causes acid burns inside your body, such as on the membranes of your esophagus. This can lead to internal bleeding and even esophageal cancer. You teeth can be ruined by coming in too frequent contact with stomach acids. Dizziness, seizures, headaches, anxiety and the inability to keep warm are some other problems brought about by purging.

It ain't a pretty picture, eh?

 

[KiM]

New and confused ....

agh!
its so scary..... wheni read that i just KNOW that i have to stop. NOW. but still its so hard. i thought that shock therapy would work .... maybe its not enough! maybe its just being in denial and just thinking its not actually ever gonna happen to me. eventhough i know that it can...
but thanks for reitterating how much damage i am actually doing to myself. and then for what reason?
KiM

 

[Cat Dancer]

New and confused ....

You really should see your doctor and talk to him/her about this. Trust me, you don't want to be battling this in your mid-thirties like I am. My body is so messed up. There is hope for you though.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

New and confused ....

There is hope for both of you.

 

[Eunoia]

New and confused ....

Hey Kim!
As Techie said you've already done the most important thing by realziing that you have a problem and wanting to change things. You really sound like you want to get better and I am so happy that your able to feel that way. It gets harder as time passes so the best thing you can do now is get the help you need when you know you need it. You obviously already knew something was wrong but now that you know all the physical dangers (which can be quite severe) you should have enough reason to go and get help. When you're going home for those 2 weeks maybe try to reach out to your family? They're obviously not around you when you're back in London but maybe they can get you started and be more involved w/ getting you help. So that's somewhere to start from, right? Also, as bad as the damage is you can do to your body, also remember the emotional, psychological pain that comes w/ this. Trying to leave every time after a meal w/ others, sneaking away, hiding food, the cost of binging, the grossness of purging.... it's not something you want to be doing LT. Or going on minimal amounts of food b/c then you will get those desires to eat... b/c your body is screaming out for nutrients. Living that life of someone w/ an ed is not pretty... not physically, not mentally, not emotionally.... and socially it's not going to do you any favours either. I hope you'll find the strength to get help w/ this Kim!

 

[Sonz]

New and confused ....

Yeah, that’s right, on top of all the physical problems that arise, there are social problems as well. I know I would stay away from certain situations, fun ones, if I knew I would have to eat and couldn’t go to the bathroom. Then those times when I had to go somewhere I would feel so anxious, it was all I could think about, I couldn’t enjoy whatever it was that I was doing. Break might be a good time to concentrate on finding good for you foods that you like and wont make you feel like purging. I know that it takes more time to prepare something healthy rather than just ordering a pizza, I always eat more healthy when I have more time on my hands. Use the two weeks to get into the groove of eating healthy and take that back to school with you.

 

[KiM]

New and confused ....

thanks both of you for that ... you are so so right. i am back home now and have been more normal, am having to be!! and it feels good coz my mum only cooks healthy anyway, its just about gettting used to eating and feeling good and enjoying it! but i want to and here in italy the food is gorgeous. am taking it slowly, have kind of opened up to my family, they dont know about the purging but know about my issues and that its hard for me ... and they are there for me. mum is moving back to london with me during exams to take care of me, so taht should be good. i know i can be a pain to be with ... youre so right, someone that isnt cozy, doesnt eat, try things, always says no and shies away from the GREAT things in life is no fun person to be aroud and we DONT wanna be onw of those people!!! am really gonna try to change taht and i realise that itw wont come over night, but will work at it.
and eunoia, youre so right when you say that its the emotional and social things taht hurt the most. sometimes i do feel like im throwing away the best time of my life coz of this. and i hate it. i should be enjoying life to the full and i do feel like im not. am too stressed about stupid silly little things and agh!! this food thing. but the past week has been better at home, have een eating things that iwouldnt otherwise and yeah ... should be good ..
thanks for beng there too guys. it gives me strength!!
xx

 

[Eunoia]

New and confused ....

hey Kim! how are things going? I'm so glad your mom is moving back w/ you for a bit, b/c even though it'll be frightening having someone there when all you want to do is follow your own eating habits, I think it'll be a good start. and you said she cooks healthy, so at least you won't have to feel gross after eating her food. I know for myself at least, I feel a lot better eating healthy foods if I have to than eating junk food. and exam time is soooo stressful (I've exams coming up to) so the more support, emotionally, the better! lots of luck to you and feel free to vent here or post updates on how you're doing. I really wish you the best of luck. one day, we'll all make it, b/c I refuse to believe that this is what life is all about. and you may feel like you've thrown away a lot of your life on this, but if you think about it, that is one more reason to get better... b/c life is about so much more than just this.

 

[KiM]

New and confused ....

Eunoia ..
thanks for the support!!! =)
i am happy that shes coming over, i know that i need to change my habits and having her help, guide and monitor me will do me good. and yeah, shes a healthy cook, so i know i shouldnt worry about getting fat!! i just need to get on the weight to make me look a bit healthier. i really do look too thin now and eventhough i know it, some how im still scared pf gaining all that weight. people keep telling me how much better id look with a few more kilos .. i just want to do it in a healthy way and through eating foods that i enjoy and want to eat, not through suddenly eating fat and sugar and things ... and i know that my mum wont amke me do that and we all know its not gonna come on over night, we have to be realistic. but its a positive step!! =)
good luck in your exams!!!!!!!!!! i know its too stressful, havent really started studying yet, i will be in a week or 2 .. cant wait to get it all over and done with, its my last year and then i can concentrate on my future and getting better!! im not really enjoying what i am doing now, so i think that also contributes to my skewed frame of mind when it comes to food!! so i hope that after graduating i can find myself and my way in life ... think am gonna take a year out to 'discover' myslef, how cliche that might sound!!! =)
like you said, life is so muc more than this and the sooner that we do something about this the better . then we can get on with enjoying it!!
ill keep coming on here, its a good support .... thanks again .. hope alls going good with you ..... and everyone else out there ofcourse!! x