Not doing too well

[Diana]

Alright, I haven't been doing well the last couple of days. The week started out fine, and then as it went on I've been trying to eat less and less and I've been obsessing about my body more and more. Yesterday I ate very little - got some calories from some beer though. The hunger pangs were becoming unbearable and the headaches -- but, it was so difficult for me to pick up even a vegetable and eat it. I haven't been this bad in a long time. I broke down crying last night, and I told my boyfriend about it, but I don't think he realizes that he can't really help me. I don't think he understands how serious it can get and how unsimplistic it is - I can't blame him. He does worry about me. I tried to explain to him that it doesn't matter what he tells me - it's OK to eat, you're not fat, you're beautiful - whatever. I know these feelings, which is why I can't undertand how I'm letting them get out of control. A part of me keeps telling myself that I will bounce back - being aware of my problem and not in denial this time. Being in denial is a bad part of anorexia, but I'm not in denial about it now - which is why these feelings and emotions and behaviours are frustrating me so much. I'm hungry now, but I don't know how much I will allow myself to eat tonight. I haven't been eating nothing - but I've been trying to only eat fat free stuff, and fill myself with juice hoping that it will tide me over. I changed my clothes after work and thought I looked like - well, just so fat and gross. I probably won't be online over the weekend (it's Friday evening in Korea now). We're going on a little trip, so hopefully I will find some kind of strength, or happiness or whatever from somewhere. If I can't even spend the weekend away without being upset or starving myself, I don't know. I have to do something.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What else is going on in your life (or in your head) in the last little while, Diana? Possible sources of stress or worry? Annoyance? Frustration? Anger? Sadness? Boredom? Loneliness?

Maybe even something about the approaching trip?

Thinks about starting some journalling -- monitor what is happening in your life and around you both when you have 'good days" and when you have "bad days"...

 

[Diana]

Thanks for the suggestion. Keeping a journal is a good idea. Maybe I'll start today. I guess maybe I do worry too much about the future. My boyfriend is having a hard time finding work where we're living and I worry about money, because we have close to nothing saved. I'm not the kind of person who wants to be rich or anything, but I don't want us to have to struggle. And, my contract is almost up at the school (I teach English in Korea), so I told them I would sign on again. I talked to my boyfriend about staying or not staying here, but the two of us could not come up with a good solution so he just said for me to do whatever I wanted. It wasn't much help, but if he had a job somewhere else, like in Seoul then I would just follow him, because I can teach anywhere - it's so easy for me to work here. But, with no guarantees I just felt more safe staying here for another year - good pay, nice schedule, a guaranteed place to live. And then, I have to think about flying back to Canada soon for vacation - so much more money gone. Anyway, sorry I should be writing all this down in my journal! But, I kind of snapped myself back into shape over the weekend, realizing that not having any energy was going to ruin the trip, and I decided that I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore. However, I still know that the bad feelings haven't just disappeared, and I might need to deal with them again if they creep up on me again.

 

[Eunoia]

Hey Diana... how did your weekend away go? and how are you feeling about things now? I find that you can't really change circumstances sometimes ie. having to worry about money, but you can change your attitude/persepective on whatever issues it is and the way you come down on yourself. If your b/f didn't give you a clear answer to what you should do then I think you worked w/ all the info you had and did the best thing by making a decision that seemed realistic, plausible, and will give you a job, $, and a place to live. Money is a pain though,....can your family in CA help you out w/ some $ for the trip back? Maybe try helping your b/f in his job search, suggest places, show him ads. That way you will support him and it will keep your mind off of things. But don't stress too much about things you yourself can't control. I mean you know money is an issue but right this second there is nothing you can do to change that. Hopefully things like going on little trips like you did will help you keep your mind off things.
also maybe try telling your b/f what would help you. he must feel helpless as you said in what to do, but maybe there is something he can do besides trying to tell you it's ok to eat, you look beautiful etc (which is great too though but you know that)... that may help him help you, you know?
Certain situations, feelings do trigger ed behavior. Keeping a journal does sound like a good idea to monitor those. ie. exam time as a student is a major trigger! so renewing your contract and dealing w/ what will happen in the next year $wise and living wise are def. triggers. Try doing what you did: taking your mind off them for a while, but trying to be organized and coming up w/ multiple plans to deal w/ those situations. That will eliminate some stress which hopefully will help you not feel so down.

 

[Diana]

Thanks for your reply. The weekend started out not so great in the morning, because I was still feeling down. Then, I realized that I was about to ruin our whole vacation if I was to continue trying to eat as little as possible and thinking about not eating. I also needed energy to do things. The rest of the trip turned out well. I also couldn't believe how rediculous I was being by trying not to eat. However, I would say that after the trip up until now, I haven't been eating as much as I should. I'm OK and I do eat every day, but I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a couple of pounds (nothing drastic). There have been events lately that would trigger the ed emotions, but you're so right. And I know this myself. It's the perspective you take on everything and how you deal with it. Yes, my parents are always more than willing to help when it comes to money. They just want to see me - it's only once a year! It's hard for me to help my boyfriend look for jobs here, because not only am I in Korea but he's Korean, so he's not looking in the English newspapers. However, I'm sure things will work themselves out one way or another. We feel stongly enough about each other that they will just have to. Thanks for your suggestions!