Obsessively thinking of Ex with his new Girlfriend

[Qgirl]

I created a thread in the Anger Management forum to address issues that I have which I think prevent men from being able to love me in the long term.

However, I have a much larger picture to give here and I will be as concise as possible. I was in a long distance 2 year relationship. We would see each other every 3-4 months and visit for 8-10 day periods. We started out as platonic friends and it grew to be more quite quickly.

We stay in touch every day via phone, chatting online, and email. In this manner he has become an integral part of my everyday life. Since I have been unemployed for a very long time, I also feel like I have depended on him heavily as a friend and also a source of comfort and security.

The most unfortunate aspect of this relationship is that I fell in love with him and wanted us to commit and seriously give us a chance. He said he could not commit and wanted to be able to date other people. Part of it was his own reservations about me, and part of it is because I am the first girl he has EVER been with and he said he wants to know what other women are like. He has never had a relationship before me, he has also never had sex with anyone before me. I am his first on all accounts and he feels that already disqualifies me somewhat, especially since I do not meet his idea of what he wants to settle down with (someone younger, more attractive, sweet, happy, etc..) However, we are so close and he demonstrated so much loving affection towards me, and he made it clear that he is attached to me to an extent, I kept the hope alive that eventually he will come around and realize how great we are together. Although I knew that he was still on the lookout for another potential girl to have a serious relationship with, I held out with hope. He met girls, but it took him a couple years to find this one to ask out and risk losing me forever. He told me her name and that she is a lot like me, but 10 years younger, very thin and attractive, and they got along great. (He is 6 years younger than I am). Unlike other girls he has asked out from clubs or bars, she is a friend of a friend, and they had the opportunity to spend quality time together in a group at a theme park recently. He is very excited and smitten.

I am devastated. I love him still and my life is crumbling around me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and these obsessive thoughts are taking over. This is the problem. Although he wanted to continue to be close friends and stay in touch I said that we cannot. Because hearing him talk about her or be happy because of her, would hurt me. I could not handle the pain. So now, not only am I in agony because all of a sudden I cannot talk to him anymore, I also cannot stop thinking of him with his new girlfriend and how they are going out this weekend. How happy he is with her instead of me. How she is going to sleep in his bed in my spot, how he will kiss her and hold her the way he did with me. How he will now turn to her to talk to and share his life with, instead of me.

It is killing me. These pictures, these horrible images. I want to rip my head open and yank out my brain to stop it. I wish I could forget him completely, forget we ever met. Somehow I had a life before him and I want it back. But thinking about him is debilitating my life - I need to focus on getting a job and pulling myself together and it just isn't happening because of these horrible thoughts are so overwhelming. They repeat over and over. It makes me feel panicky, anxious, and depressed. I cannot afford therapy this time around, and would appreciate some help and advice on how to get through this without letting it ruin my life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The first thing you need in accepting the end of any relationship is time, of course -- time to get past the shock and to understand what happened and why it happened. In this case, you've given a pretty strong clue in your own description: This man was just learning about love and relationships, and he was simply not any where near ready to commit to a long-term relationship with you or anyone else.

I posted the link to Insight into Feelings in your other post on anger -- try using this as a way of expressing your negativer feelings and gradually working through to acceptance and forgiveness.

 

[clarity2005]

I know how you feel..... I picture my husband with his girlfriend all the time. I actually saw them walking down the rd together when she came to the states for a visit with him. I was sickened by it.

I also have a hard time now because when we were together, he would not celebrate the holidays or my birthday. With his girlfriend, he celebrates the holidays, buys her birthday gifts and just bought her a new car for when she moves here.

It's a horrible thing to go through. I've also noticed it's difficult NOT to think about it. Once an image pops into your head, it's there.

 

[Benson]

i'm going through a very similar thing with my ex girlfriend. we were together for 3 1/2 years, engaged for 1 1/2. then things just kinda got over our heads and went awry. too much, too fast, some poor decisions in the begninng, that we payed for slowly. but, she was from NJ and i'm from CT, we were living here, but she moved back when we split. it was easy for a while because there was some resentment, which covers up the true feeling of loss. but we got back in contact 4 months later, and everything snapped right back, the feelings, the love, the dreams, the loss. and we ended up attempting a long distance relationshgip for the last 3 months. it was rocky of course, but the feelings have been stronger than ever. but there is kinda alot of psychology in play on her behalf, and basically, she finally decides that she can't handle a relationship right now. now this is the girl i wanted to marry, and i fell right back into those feelings. she says she still loves me, more than anyone else she has ever met, still wants to be with me in the future and have a life together, and all that, but that right now she can't be together, and have to move on. so here i am, 2 hours from the girl i love, who loves me back, and i can't have her. i wish she would have come out and said that she just hates me and doesn't want to be together anymore. in the mean time, all i can think about is what will be going on in the between now and then, if indeed there will ever be a then. i just don't see it happening. i can't maintain my feelings for her, it would tear me apart, nor can i garuntee they will ever come back. i will post in other forums in detail about both the psychological i'm dealing with, and the onesi suspect that she is. thanks.