• Quote of the Day
    "Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do."
    John Wooden, posted by David Baxter

Cheyenne

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I’ve been okay mostly, no thoughts of suicide recently and I haven‘t done any self-injuring since August though it hasn‘t been easy, so I don’t know why these things have gotten worse or at least become more noticeable recently. Though, I have been ill for the past few months (Horrible debilitating headaches made worse by moving at all, lasting for days straight on occasion; neck pain with varying intensity and location on and off; several hours of dizziness daily, sometimes to the point of being unsafe or unable to walk; horrible and worsening memory(can’t even remember how to spell my name some days without help); sleeping for upwards of 19 hours a day and still being tired three hours later; etc…) and, if not making things worse, it’s certainly not helping. I’m saying doctor but therapist is saying psych eval with someone, and apparently her opinion is more valid than mine because psych eval is what I’m stuck with. But enough with that. Who knows? The psych eval might bring something up, I don’t know.
Also, not on any medications at the moment - Zoloft was doing nothing for me and I feel much better off it, tried Cymbalta and ended up with vomiting, nausea and the like all three days I tried it - was unwilling to try again after the third day, tried Wellbutrin and ended up with some more different side effects, and I think I may have tried another one but I don’t remember. Won’t be back to psychiatrist for at least two weeks to give it another try. Honestly I really don’t want to try anything else but, again, what I think and how I feel about it is unimportant. Everything I’m about to mention started before I went off things anyways.
I’m more interested in hearing your opinions than whining about being ill and not getting what I think I need.

I mean I’ve never been very comfortable around people, but it’s just gotten way out of hand recently.

The panicked part:
A panic attack triggered by a person being near me, just near me, not touching me, just near me, no one I knew and I didn‘t even really see them, just out of the corner of my eye, I‘m sure it was completely unintentional especially since it happened at a store. And people being close to me(within about 2 ft) or people touching me just terrifies me sometimes and I have no explanation for it, nothing’s ever happened to give me a reason to be so uncomfortable with it. I’ve never as long as I can remember allowed people to touch me, not my parents, not my friends, and definitely not anyone else, but if they did it was really no big deal. Now I have made threats or given menacing looks towards people that touched me to keep them from doing it again, and when people come within 5ft of me most times I will back away or just leave even with just friends. Being addressed also terrifies me, I hate to talk and when people I don‘t know extremely well try to talk to me I often get scared out of my mind. I’m scared. I have no reason to be scared, and I don’t know why I’m scared, but I’m scared.

The anxious part:
Even when people aren’t in my ‘zone’ I’m uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable with people being anywhere in sight. I get nervous and start doing things I often don’t even notice I’m doing. Like in my PE class, we’re on the badminton unit and when I’m not using it I’m constantly smacking the racket against my leg hard enough to leave welts and bruises but I don’t even notice. The habit varies with the situation, but I never do any of it when there are not people around. I can’t look at people either, when they’re talking to me or when I’m talking to them I just cannot look at them, can’t even force myself, I have to focus on whatever is behind them. Just way too nervous whenever around people.

And as far as just not getting along with people:
I can be a very nice person and am, most of the time, but lately I’ve become downright mean to certain people. I’m ashamed of it afterwards, but at the time it seems okay. I don’t like doing it. It actually got to the point that I yelled at and told my therapist I’d rather she walk off the second story of a building than ever see me again. And I meant it. I don‘t consider it a truly cruel statement, I could come up with a lot worse than that, but still, it wasn‘t right. I went from liking her and getting along with her well to that. I just don’t want to see her anymore. I don’t like being near people and I hate talking to people, and being there went from being considered okay to a nightmare once a week. Lately it seems like I go from donating to local charities to yelling at someone or insulting them when they try to talk to me in thirty seconds flat. This just started up in the past month or two. No idea why.

I’m just curious on what y’all think could have caused this whole thing to get worse (Or seemingly worse), and/or what I can do to help with it on my own. I say on my own because at this point I don‘t get along with anyone that could possibly maybe help, I‘m pretty much on my own here. I’m thinking that it probably has something to do with me being ill for so long and just the unhappiness/frustration with that is being showed this way, that’s my guess at least. Would it be considered a social anxiety thing?
But none of this is relevant when I’m out with the dogs or taking pictures(Which are of the dogs 99% of the time anyway…), when I‘m out with them and taking pictures I‘m not anxious, I‘m not scared, I‘m not mean. I wouldn’t really consider myself depressed at this time, a little unhappy maybe, but not depressed.
That’s the reason I posted it here instead of somewhere else, but I wasn’t really sure. I am sincerely sorry if this is in the wrong place.

Also, EXTREMELY sorry for the long read, I didn’t mean for it to be so long.
I read the posts here everyday, but sorry that just about the only time I've posted has been about me.

On a side note, how are you all?
 

ThatLady

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While the anxiety symptoms are troublesome, the physical symptoms are more so, as I see it. I really don't like the sound of the headache, dizziness, neck pain, memory problems, and restless sleep. It sounds to me like you need a thorough physical, complete with a battery of blood tests and, possibly, a CAT scan of your head and neck to rule out some physical cause for these symptoms, Cheyenne. :hug:
 

just mary

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I don't know Cheyenne, I agree with TL, check out the physical symptoms first. Talk to a doctor, a family physician. Or maybe you just need time on your own right now, to work things out. And when you're ready, you'll get closer to people. But try not to wait too long.

Take care,

jm
 

foghlaim

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hi Cheyenne,
Nice to see you back here again. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it.
I also agree with TL, see your doc for a full work up,, and ring up psych's office for apt asap, 2wks is a long time to wait when it's obvious you need one a lot sooner than that. I think you need both apt's as soon as possible.
it might be a good idea to print off what you have posted here so that when you get these apts, you have all the info to hand, you may or may not remember all the symptoms you have outlined above.

In the meantime try and read some of the articles here on anxiety and panick attacks for suggestions in coping with these. let us know how you get on with both apts,, Don't put these off okay. You know you need to be seen so the sooner the better.

will be thinking of you
 

Cheyenne

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Feb 18, 2006
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I wish it were that easy and I could go to the doctor.
It started in August and I went to the doctor in September when extreme dizziness and abdominal pain were the only symptoms - Doctor dismissed it as dehydration without any tests or anything. And I had a partial physical shortly before that. So for all of October and the end of September I made it VERY clear to the therapist and psychiatrist that I wasn’t well because I know that my opinion is not worth anything towards my parents, that some adult would have to side with me before I had a chance of going to the doctor. I got to the point that my parents were considering taking me to the doctor for blood work and possibly a MRI. Then the psychiatrist said something about a MRI not being necessary because it’d only show something if I had a brain tumor or something like that - I don’t remember, so my parents decided going to the doctor at all was no good. The therapist had suggested a psych eval a long time ago and brought it up again because this is really messing with my grades in school and she thinks I may have a learning problem. No, I don‘t - I‘m sure anyone that has trouble remembering how to spell their name would have trouble remembering how and when to do schoolwork. But I’ve given up on it now - There’s no way they’re going to take me to the doctor for this. Also no possibility of psychiatrist appointment being moved before what it is now - December 6th and I don’t go back to the therapist until the 29th and the psych eval, I have no idea when that’s going on. I wish things didn’t work that way, but unfortunately that’s what I get for being under 18.

So, right now I’m basically trying to deal with what I can and try to ignore what I have no control over. I really have about no other choice.

Thanks for the suggestion about reading the articles, Foghlaim/NSA (What would you prefer to be referred to as?) I forgot about that.

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it.
Also, again, sorry for long post, I try to make things as clear as possible at the cost of length.
 

ThatLady

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By all means, talk to your school nurse, Cheyenne. The comment the psychiatrist made ("Then the psychiatrist said something about a MRI not being necessary because it?d only show something if I had a brain tumor or something like that - I don?t remember, so my parents decided going to the doctor at all was no good.") was downright dumb! It's probably not a brain tumor, but - well, what if it was? We just ignore it? That's really not the smartest thing to do!
 

Cheyenne

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Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

We do have a school nurse, but unless a teacher or administrator chooses to remove me from class to go, I can?t. There?s no way I?d be able to ask them to give me a pass, I just couldn?t bring myself to.
Before school and lunch are the only times you can go without a pass - And I?m a bus student likely facing lunch detention for the rest of the year. I don?t know if it?ll be that yet, the secretary at the office said ?You don?t want me to go there...? after I asked what my punishment would be. I won?t find out until Monday morning because we don?t have school until then.
So I messed up that option all on my own?
Thanks for the suggestion though.

I?ve been checking out links, they have some good suggestions. I?ll have to work on it.

Again, thanks.
 

Cheyenne

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I did the psych eval last week, it was just like 120 questions about how I feel and stuff, I thought it?d be different, waiting for the results of that. I was supposed to go back yesterday but there was a blizzard. I?ve just been?fine. No cutting, no thoughts of suicide, but still bad behavior evolving into bad habits as talked about below. I chose to put this post here instead of making a new post because I figured they were pretty similar.

It?s become a pure misery to be around people, I hate being around them and always have, but I just don?t care anymore, I?m not nervous or anxious, I don?t care what they?re saying or feeling and I don?t even bother pretending anymore. Yet people still want to be around me?I don?t get that. Why? Would you want to be around someone who will flat out tell you they don?t care about you or your life? Obviously I WANT them to go and leave me alone, and they know that because I?ve told them. I think this is just how I am as a person, because before I starting getting nervous and anxious like I was, I was like I am now, not caring and only tolerating people being around when it?s convenient for me for the most part. It?s certainly not normal, and when people ask I can?t get them to leave me alone with an explanation because there is none. It?s just the way I feel and am. They want a real explanation like a person not liking dogs because they were bit by one, rather than not liking dogs because they just don?t. I have no explanation.

I can talk to people fairly easily and really at least somewhat care and be concerned when I?m on the computer - As long as I?m not physically near them or talking I?m fine with people, at least, not as bothered by them. Which doesn?t make really any sense to me. But even then I never have anything to say over the computer and end conversations soon because it becomes awkward. I like to come on here though, I like to come on and just read what everybody has to say.

But with both school and friends who haven?t taken the hint, I?m still forced to be around people. I?ve been using two different ways to work around the feelings of hate associated with being near people, but both are bad. In school I get in trouble. A lot. Intentionally. When I get in trouble the punishments always involve keeping you away from the other people at the school and not allowing you to talk so I really enjoy it, during the school day I?m constantly contemplating what I can do to get in trouble. I even get frustrated when a teacher or administrator doesn?t notice what I?m doing.

Outside of school when I?m going to be around people, I drink. Not enough so it?s obvious I?m somewhat intoxicated, but enough so that being around whoever is more bearable. That?s actually a big part of why I posted. I can?t be doing that, it?s stupid, it?s unhealthy, it?s illegal - I?m underage, and if I get caught I?ll end up in an alcohol/drug clinic probably, where I?ll just be around more people miserably. But being around people is completely unenjoyable and always has been for me and since I can?t get out of it I drink to keep from being a pain to everyone else and so that I?m not completely miserable. I know it?s wrong and I?m going to end up with a whole lot of problems later on if I keep it up, but I?m stuck being around people with no other way to keep it from being a completely miserable situation for me. I?m not sure what to do about it.


?Sorry, I?m sincerely sorry. Seems every time I post it ends up being a painfully long pointless rant/venting that accomplishes nothing. I?m really sorry, darn things probably really annoy those of you that do read them.
 

ThatLady

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Not everyone is a sociable being, Cheyenne. There's no law that says you have to be. The best answer to those who ask isn't that you don't care, or you hate their presence. The best answer is that you prefer your own company - that you enjoy being alone. If that's the case, there's not a darn thing wrong with it. I tend to be that way myself.

I don't hate people. I can get along with them just fine, and do when need be. When working, or doing anything that involves others, I get along just fine. However, I prefer to be on my own. I enjoy being by myself, doing the things I like to do. I don't find that a problem, and most people who know me know that I value my alone-time very highly. They honor that and I appreciate their understanding. When one can create mutual understanding, many things that appear to be problems turn out not to be. :)
 

comfortzone

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It is good for you to be able to share your feelings here. We are all "eyes." You might use this analogy to explain to people how you feel about being around others. "It is like putting on a wool sweater, you might be warm but you are awfully itchy and uncomfortable." It is not that you don't like the sweater but you just find it very scratchy and you would like to jump out of your skin because of the discomfort. I hope this works for you. Please keep us posted.
 

David Baxter

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And it wasn't long and pointless. Maybe long... :) But then so was Beethoven's 9th... and that was pretty darn good. :)
 

Cheyenne

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Thanks for the replies, it is much appreciated. Hopefully this post won?t be so long.

You?re right ThatLady, it?s not a good response, but it?s the only one that seems work with my friends. Saying that I just prefer to be alone works with most of the adults I?m around, but my friends are of course teens, most of which interpret ?I would prefer to be alone? as ?I want to go to a party with 55-thousand people there.? Being harsh/mean about it is the only way I?ve gotten them to understand, but then I end up hurting some of their feelings, it?s a lose-lose situation for me and them. The only way I?ve gotten around it, to make being around them tolerable when I can?t get out of it for whatever reason, is by drinking, which I know shouldn?t be doing at all let alone as much as I have been. Otherwise, I just become a complete pain to whoever I?m around, especially when I?m forced to be with my parents. The idea behind that being that they?ll get tired of me fairly quickly and send me off to where I?ll be alone and happy. The mutual understandings you mention have only come up with a few people, most of which I was never around much to begin with. It seems impossible to get things to work out nicely.

Thanks for the smile Mr. Baxter :)

Also thanks for the link to the article, LadyBug; I related a lot to what it said.
 

braveheart

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Cheyenne, if its any consolation, I suffer from similar distress, and mainly with strangers - shopping, walking, on public transport. Work is safe.

For me its past trauma related, some of which is attachment distress related.

Meds help minimally, therapy is setting me free...slowly...
 

Cheyenne

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I haven?t been on for a while, so I figured I would update this.

I didn?t get back to the social worker?s office before mid-January, and she wasn?t even there, I haven?t seen her since December, but I?ve seen this guy that she?s bringing in, the one who administered the ?Psych eval?. I don?t mind him as a person, but he keeps pushing things like reading, games and going out with family, which annoys me incredibly.

Basically he said that the eval-thing said that I had poor social skills and I was uncomfortable around people. But he did not allow me to see it.

He also said that he and the social worker think that the diagnoses of major depression may not have been right, but aren?t sure. And the social worker is questioning if she?s doing something wrong with me, since I have shown absolutely no progress other than stopping the self-injury and thoughts of suicide. Also due to the fact that I?m more reluctant to talk to her now than when I was first seeing her.

I don?t see the psychiatrist at all anymore. And not on any medications.

Just about the only things bad going on in my head is guilt over several things(even things that only happened in daydreams), extreme sadness over an incident that happened on New Years Eve(I used to walk two dogs, my own and a neighbor?s, I am extremely attached to both. On New Years Eve a ?guest? at the neighbor?s house let another dog out - the dog bit me and attacked my dog. The other dog has likely been put to sleep already because it bit a child in the past. Despite that my parents have forbid me from going back to continue walking the other dog. So now I don?t ever get to see a dog that I loved dearly, it?s worse than losing a relative in my eyes.), and I?ve been getting in trouble in school A LOT. But other than the whole dog thing, I don?t consider any of that a big deal.

Thanks again for reading, hope it wasn?t too long/dull this time.
 
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Sorry about the dog incident. :(

I think it is really good though that you have stopped self-injuring and that you're not having suicidal thoughts anymore. I hope you can find someone you feel more comfortable talking with and that things won't continue to be so hard for you.
 

Cheyenne

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Thanks.
Though, I would have never imagined it would be so hard to just stop self-injuring like I have. Almost too hard. And I still get odd looks from even my most understanding friends when I discuss my opinions on suicide(They ask sometimes).

And I worry myself with how I act around others, seems that I become closer to 'delinquent' and further from 'good citizen' every other day. Recently I got into a conflict with a teacher, who I used to not be bothered by, because she stood far too close for comfort and attempted to move my desk(While I was sitting in it). I'm sure her job is hard enough without me, and one would think I would quickly forget and hold no grudges. And a member of the administration that knows me quite well has threatened to start doubling my punishments for repeated offenses. I've made a lot of bad choices. I haven't left my house more than about ten times this year for anything other than school, and I doubt more than one was willing socializing. Exceedingly negative lately, as I'm sure this post reflects..

I haven't been back to the social worker or the other guy, I should have been back no less than two weeks ago, so I'm not sure what's going on with that, but I'm too afraid to ask.

On a kind of positive note(in my mind at least), I typed this as it came to me, instead of being bothered by the thought being 'seen' online like I normally am(Doesn't make much sense, I know) and logging on just long enough to post a previously typed response.


....Me and my long boring posts :rolleyes:
 
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I haven't been back to the social worker or the other guy, I should have been back no less than two weeks ago, so I'm not sure what's going on with that, but I'm too afraid to ask.
i'm not sure i follow - did you not have an appointment set up to go see them? do you wait for them to contact you?

you should probably contact them and ask for another appointment. are you afraid they are going to say no?

good job on having stopped the self-injury. that's progress :hug:
 
Joined
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Cheyenne, your posts are not long and boring. Please don't worry about that. It's good you found something positive while you were writing.

And, you know, we ALL make bad choices and do things we regret. We just have to move on to a new day or a new moment and do the best we can.

I don't think you're a delinquent. I think you're struggling with some hard things and could use someone to help you out.

It's good to hear from you. Your posts are fine. You're amazingly insightful and very articulate and I hope the best for you. :)
 

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