Panicky and Anxious around and don't get along with people

[Cheyenne]

Thank you both for the kind words.

As far as the appointment, it?s a little complicated. I never handle any of that, usually the guy or the social worker will give a date and time and we?ll go with that, but the last time I went the guy was the only one there. He knows that I don?t like to go and that I?m not very social. So he said that if I played some sort of game with my family and went out somewhere with someone other than family I could wait two weeks before coming back. If I didn?t do any of that, I was supposed to come back the next week. And my mom was supposed to call them and set up a new appointment. I never did anything and I don?t think my mom ever called. I?m afraid to ask my mom if I have another appointment ever because a big part of me never wants to go back and I know I?ll end up being a total pain if/when I do go back.

I don?t think I?m a delinquent, but I do think I?m only a few short steps away. Between being a jerk to people who don?t deserve it when I want to be alone, the alcohol and trouble in school, I have to, at the very least, appear to be a delinquent youth who will probably accomplish nothing to those who don?t know me.

Next to other worries this has been a really bad week. I can?t believe it?s only Thursday. Tuesday night I saw a wreck from my back door, the police were there for a long time, I gave it a curious look but didn?t think much of it. Yesterday I found out that an old friend of mine was in that car accident and had died. I keep asking myself - Why do the good die young? It?s not fair. All I can think to say is she will be greatly missed.
And while not nearly as traumatic, today I took it upon myself to report someone who was carrying around a lot of drugs and associated paraphernalia within the school. I wrote a note to the Resource Officer(Haven?t talked to him since the whole suicide thing, almost a year now. I like him, but he makes me nervous because I?m afraid he might hate me.) because I was nervous and wanted to stay anonymous. I lost that anonymity and put myself into a panic attack through the worrying that they were going to come talk to me in my next class. That subsided but now I?ve found out I spelled the student?s name completely wrong in the note, so now I?m worried that they didn?t ?figure it out? and will come talk to me tomorrow.

I am really not looking forward to school tomorrow. I worry too much.


Thanks for reading my weekly whine...

 

[Into The Light]

Thank you both for the kind words.

As far as the appointment, it?s a little complicated. I never handle any of that, usually the guy or the social worker will give a date and time and we?ll go with that, but the last time I went the guy was the only one there. He knows that I don?t like to go and that I?m not very social. So he said that if I played some sort of game with my family and went out somewhere with someone other than family I could wait two weeks before coming back. If I didn?t do any of that, I was supposed to come back the next week. And my mom was supposed to call them and set up a new appointment. I never did anything and I don?t think my mom ever called. I?m afraid to ask my mom if I have another appointment ever because a big part of me never wants to go back and I know I?ll end up being a total pain if/when I do go back.

did you ever get back to see your social worker, cheyenne? you say you know you will be a pain if you go back, but what about working on that and trying not to be? have you considered maybe opening up a little about how you're feeling and that you're having a hard time and that you don't want to be a pain but that you can't always help yourself?

I don?t think I?m a delinquent, but I do think I?m only a few short steps away. Between being a jerk to people who don?t deserve it when I want to be alone, the alcohol and trouble in school, I have to, at the very least, appear to be a delinquent youth who will probably accomplish nothing to those who don?t know me.

why do you feel you need to portray this image?

Next to other worries this has been a really bad week. I can?t believe it?s only Thursday. Tuesday night I saw a wreck from my back door, the police were there for a long time, I gave it a curious look but didn?t think much of it. Yesterday I found out that an old friend of mine was in that car accident and had died. I keep asking myself - Why do the good die young? It?s not fair. All I can think to say is she will be greatly missed.

i am very sorry for your loss. death is so hard to deal with. i am sorry i didn't respond to your post sooner. how are you holding up dealing with this?

And while not nearly as traumatic, today I took it upon myself to report someone who was carrying around a lot of drugs and associated paraphernalia within the school. I wrote a note to the Resource Officer(Haven?t talked to him since the whole suicide thing, almost a year now. I like him, but he makes me nervous because I?m afraid he might hate me.) because I was nervous and wanted to stay anonymous. I lost that anonymity and put myself into a panic attack through the worrying that they were going to come talk to me in my next class. That subsided but now I?ve found out I spelled the student?s name completely wrong in the note, so now I?m worried that they didn?t ?figure it out? and will come talk to me tomorrow.

I am really not looking forward to school tomorrow. I worry too much.


Thanks for reading my weekly whine...

what happened since your post with regards to this? i hope everything turned out ok.
:hug:

 

[Cheyenne]

I have not been back to see the social worker yet, but I may go back sometime because my mom did bring it up that she needed to call them. Though, probably not soon because my mom will be leaving for Texas soon for over a week so I'll be home alone with the dogs and I can't drive.
I don't want to be a pain when I go, but when they sit me and my mom in the same room and expect me to talk well they are sorely mistaken. I get in a completely different state of mind when my mom's there. I can't help it and they don't give me the option of talking to them on my own.

I say I'm like a delinquent because I don't think I deserve what I have. I abuse the privileges I have, I don't always treat my friends or family as I should, I don't deserve them. I get good grades, but don't do most of the work and am in lunch detention at least one day every week; I get free money easy, but then spend it on drugs or alcohol instead of something good. I just don't deserve what I've got, my choices are poor. I really honestly want to be better in many ways, but I have trouble putting forward the effort it takes.

I've been dealing with the loss of my friend pretty well. Talking about it with someone who knew her is hard, I've lost a lot of tears over it, and I hate going by the spot, but I guess that's all normal.

As far as reporting the other student, it all turned out pretty well(Well, not for the student that was carrying all that stuff), they did figure out who it was from what I gave them and they didn't come talk to me. All my worrying was for nothing. Though, the resource officer glances at me a lot recently and that kind of makes me nervous, I don't know why it bothers me so much or why I even think he hates me.

 

[Halo]

Cheyenne,

It is good to hear from you again I just wanted to say that although I know it is hard to lose someone that you care about, I am glad to hear that you are dealing with the loss of your friend well and that you are talking with someone and showing your emotions.

I understand your reluctance to talk to the social worker with your mom present as I know that I wouldn't be too open to that either. Have they said that they won't let you talk to the social worker on your own or is it that they just assume that the session is for the two of you? Have you tried to tell them that you want to have a session without your mom? Either way, I hope that you can get back to see the social worker before your mom goes away.

Again, it was good to hear from you.
Take care
:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I really honestly want to be better in many ways, but I have trouble putting forward the effort it takes.

I believe you do honestly want to be better. I don't think you would come here and post if you didn't. It's hard though. I know lots of times I have trouble putting forth the effort it takes too. I think that's part of the nature of depression and other mental illnesses. You get so tired, tired of feeling bad, but so tired you just don't have the energy to do the things you need to do to feel better. At least that is my experience.

I think, from what I read in your posts, that you're too hard on yourself. I think/wish you would go easier on yourself and just realize you're human and it's ok to mess up and make mistakes and it's ok to have bad feelings sometimes. It's just that you want to get to the point where the good feelings outweigh the bad feelings.

I hope this makes sense. We want the best for you here. I know I really am fond of people who care about animals. That makes me feel like you are an ok person.

 

[Cheyenne]

Thanks again for the responses, it?s appreciated. Sorry for taking so long to get back.

I have not gone back to the social worker, and at this point I doubt I ever am going back. As far as them bringing in my mom, at first they would ask me if it was okay and I?d always say yes - If I were to say no my mom would just pester me about why, and explaining myself is much more bothersome than being in there with her. They just don?t ask anymore. And both the guy and the social worker kind of bother me, so even if I had a chance to ask because my mom wasn?t there at the moment, I would be too scared/nervous to do so. ?Damned if I do, damned if I don?t? kind of thing from my perspective.
Shame that I?ve become more bold with my actions in school(And therefore getting me in more trouble) yet simply talking to someone about something that would be beneficial for me still seems impossible.

Thanks Janet, I don?t know what I?d do if there weren?t so many animals in my life!
Seriously though, I agree with what you?re saying. I just wish it was easier to feel good than it is to feel bad.

A few people have been expressing concern about me lately, it?s actually getting a little weird, especially since I haven?t noticed anything different recently from before. First I had one teacher come up and sit next to me, and proceed to ask me if I was on drugs and when I falsely denied it he just sort of looked at me until I started laughing awkwardly. I doubt he believed that, but then he asked me if I was depressed, I also denied that, at which point he suggested I was just being lazy. I agreed with that and he went away. I figured it was an isolated incident.
But more recently(Week ago) , it happened again. First I was pulled out of my testing room, for the state test, because I wasn?t doing my test, I was feeling nauseous, dizzy and couldn?t focus - But I?m a person who would never publicly admit something was wrong unless I thought is was extremely serious - so I ended up in In-School-Detention because they assumed me not doing the test was silent defiance. But before I got sent out the guy in the administration, who always dishes out my punishments, asked if I was alright, stating that I?d been acting a lot differently lately than I was before. I haven?t noticed it.

And for the third time, a different teacher of mine had me come up to her desk while everyone else was watching a movie and asked me lots of questions and talked some. She talked some more and left me with saying that I should try make good decisions and find something in life that makes me happy or excited. I don?t know, but for some reason what she said to me that day was more thought-provoking, sincere, and ultimately kinder than I think I?ve ever heard from anyone in person. Seems like she really truly cares. Makes me feel like if there ever is something really seriously wrong I can go to her as sort of a guide, if that makes sense. So I guess it?s not ALL bad when confronted about things.

Sorry for length, but thanks for reading.