Passive-Aggressive people (Part 3)
by Lucille Zimmerman
Examiner.com
July 4, 2009
Now that I’ve described what Passive-Aggressive (P/A) people are, several of you have asked how to interact with them. It’s not easy.
Mostly it’s confusing because of the way it causes you to second-guess yourself. The P/A acts manipulative, and gives all sorts of mixed signals. Yet she keeps her game-face and you’re left wondering why you feel like ripping your hair out (or hers). This is exactly where the P/A wants you.
Remember the definition of passive-aggression is: a psychological mechanism for handling hostility or anger in an underhanded or devious way that is hard for others to prove.
1. The most important thing to realize about your interactions with a P/A is that you won’t change them. You may think you can rationalize and explain what their actions have been and how they impact you. All this will do is confirm to the P/A how cruel the world is and how everyone is against them; thereby solidifying their plight as the victim.
The best suggestion for being around a P/A is to get away. But not all of us can do that. We may work with P/As or have them as family members. We may even be one at times.
2. Stop seeking the P/As approval. Part of the reason we get caught in their web, is that we are people-pleasers. People-pleasing is really a developmental wound – it means we are trying to get our identity from others, rather than having our own sense of self. So, part of this equation means doing our own work to figure out why we haven’t developed this ego strength. You may need the help of a counselor to do this.
3. Stop trying to “connect” at any deep level with the P/A. The very fact that they are passive-aggressive tells you they are uncomfortable and/or incapable of deep emotional intimacy. Intimacy requires honesty. P/As cannot be honest about their feelings and that is the reason they have to indirectly manipulate and sabotage.
4. Always have a Plan B (escape hatch). Remember the husband who wouldn’t pick his wife up on time from her weight-loss meetings because he didn’t want her losing weight. Her Plan B could be arranging a ride home from someone else, or she could drive herself.
5. If you must confront the situation, learn how to be assertive without engaging in the power struggle. Remember the person who wanted her friend to just know she was in the hospital? And then made her feel awful for not coming by to visit? The non-P/A person could say something like, “What a shame. If you had only let me know, I would have come by.” Then she needs to drop it, change subjects, maybe even walk away.
If a coworker says, “I hate these piles in the corner, they’re disgusting,” say, “Are you asking if I’ll remove the pile in the corner?” Then let them know if she'd like something changed, she should just ask you because with comments like that you aren’t sure if they are comments or requests.
6. Never, ever let the P/A know that she “gets” to you. This is her raison d'etre; her sole reason for living. It is the only thing that gives her a reprieve from her misery.
7. Get a witness. P/As love the one-on-one because they can slide around and not be held accountable, and they will turn others against you. If you ever have to have a major discussion, make sure other family members or co-workers are present.
8. Focus on your own behavior. The P/A is trying to control you. So, rather than constantly defending yourself from the P/As attacks or clarifying your position, simply step out of the trap and move on.
9. Remember, the P/A is not a victim, she only acts like one. Because the person is rarely confrontational, people tend to see her as the “put upon” martyr. As a result, people are likely to let her have her way so as not to upset her. The dance of the P/A is that she plays the victim and you go out of your way to protect her from being victimized. This puts her in control.
10. Remember I said, “P/As are ALWAYS late.” This is how they control things. Confront, rather than excuse their lateness. Tell her you would rather she didn’t agree to something, rather than be unreliable.
More tips tomorrow. Here’s a video of a P/A telling you what it was like for her:
YouTube - To All Passive Aggressive People... You Know Who You Are!
Lucille Zimmerman is an Examiner from Denver. You can see Lucille's articles on Lucille's Home Page.
Related article:
Wikipedia: Passive-aggressive_behavior
by Lucille Zimmerman
Examiner.com
July 4, 2009
Now that I’ve described what Passive-Aggressive (P/A) people are, several of you have asked how to interact with them. It’s not easy.
Mostly it’s confusing because of the way it causes you to second-guess yourself. The P/A acts manipulative, and gives all sorts of mixed signals. Yet she keeps her game-face and you’re left wondering why you feel like ripping your hair out (or hers). This is exactly where the P/A wants you.
Remember the definition of passive-aggression is: a psychological mechanism for handling hostility or anger in an underhanded or devious way that is hard for others to prove.
1. The most important thing to realize about your interactions with a P/A is that you won’t change them. You may think you can rationalize and explain what their actions have been and how they impact you. All this will do is confirm to the P/A how cruel the world is and how everyone is against them; thereby solidifying their plight as the victim.
The best suggestion for being around a P/A is to get away. But not all of us can do that. We may work with P/As or have them as family members. We may even be one at times.
2. Stop seeking the P/As approval. Part of the reason we get caught in their web, is that we are people-pleasers. People-pleasing is really a developmental wound – it means we are trying to get our identity from others, rather than having our own sense of self. So, part of this equation means doing our own work to figure out why we haven’t developed this ego strength. You may need the help of a counselor to do this.
3. Stop trying to “connect” at any deep level with the P/A. The very fact that they are passive-aggressive tells you they are uncomfortable and/or incapable of deep emotional intimacy. Intimacy requires honesty. P/As cannot be honest about their feelings and that is the reason they have to indirectly manipulate and sabotage.
4. Always have a Plan B (escape hatch). Remember the husband who wouldn’t pick his wife up on time from her weight-loss meetings because he didn’t want her losing weight. Her Plan B could be arranging a ride home from someone else, or she could drive herself.
5. If you must confront the situation, learn how to be assertive without engaging in the power struggle. Remember the person who wanted her friend to just know she was in the hospital? And then made her feel awful for not coming by to visit? The non-P/A person could say something like, “What a shame. If you had only let me know, I would have come by.” Then she needs to drop it, change subjects, maybe even walk away.
If a coworker says, “I hate these piles in the corner, they’re disgusting,” say, “Are you asking if I’ll remove the pile in the corner?” Then let them know if she'd like something changed, she should just ask you because with comments like that you aren’t sure if they are comments or requests.
6. Never, ever let the P/A know that she “gets” to you. This is her raison d'etre; her sole reason for living. It is the only thing that gives her a reprieve from her misery.
7. Get a witness. P/As love the one-on-one because they can slide around and not be held accountable, and they will turn others against you. If you ever have to have a major discussion, make sure other family members or co-workers are present.
8. Focus on your own behavior. The P/A is trying to control you. So, rather than constantly defending yourself from the P/As attacks or clarifying your position, simply step out of the trap and move on.
9. Remember, the P/A is not a victim, she only acts like one. Because the person is rarely confrontational, people tend to see her as the “put upon” martyr. As a result, people are likely to let her have her way so as not to upset her. The dance of the P/A is that she plays the victim and you go out of your way to protect her from being victimized. This puts her in control.
10. Remember I said, “P/As are ALWAYS late.” This is how they control things. Confront, rather than excuse their lateness. Tell her you would rather she didn’t agree to something, rather than be unreliable.
More tips tomorrow. Here’s a video of a P/A telling you what it was like for her:
YouTube - To All Passive Aggressive People... You Know Who You Are!
Lucille Zimmerman is an Examiner from Denver. You can see Lucille's articles on Lucille's Home Page.
Related article:
Wikipedia: Passive-aggressive_behavior
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