Personality change

[Dodger]

Thank you for your most recent thoughts and opinions. Yesterday we (my wife and me) talked at some length to a friend of ours...a woman who is not a trained counselor but who worked more than three decades in the psychiatric unit of the hospital and is well versed in "things of the mind." Sher was helpful and brought an outsider's perspective without any preconceived opinions or thoughts. My wife talked briefly to our daughter and has sensed an ever so slight softening of "willingness to talk". My wife even got her to agree that perhaps she SHOULD have counseling of some sort. This morning, when my wife went to get the grandchildren off to school (daughter had to work early and husband on a business trip) she came home and said our daughter "smiled at her" for the first time in ages. She plans to talk to her again in NON THREATENING OR ACCUSATORY fashion tonight and she has suggested that might try to get them together on Saturday to talk with us about the future. As she (my wife) puts it.... the past is the past..the future has to be addressed.......the kids have to be top priority. Our son in law will be home from his business trip late Wednesday....we hope and pray there will not be any "flare ups" when he gets home. We understand his hurts.....but we worry about possible confrontations. Like so many people, when times get tough, he has used the bottle a bit more than he should. Not to put him down, he has been a good man but alcohol can affect good men also.

Nevertheless we feel somewhat more encouraged....if we can just get them talking in a civilized manner. Our friend (the nurse) based JUST on what we were able to tell her, feels that our daughter definitely is "sick" and NOT making rational decisions. We hold out hope that her mother has managed to insert the thin edge of the wedge as it were and has been able to talk to her a wee bit....something that was not happening earlier.

Again...we thank you for your valuable thoughts and for those people of faith......please exercise your prayer power.

Thank you again.............
Dodger

 

[Halo]

Again I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers in the hopes that some light is beginning to shine through

 

[Dodger]

THank you Nancy....it is helpful to know we have "friends" out there.
Dodger

 

[ThatLady]

You and your family will be in my thoughts, Dodger. I hope things work out for all of you. :hug:

 

[Dodger]

Thank you ThatLady..we are hopeful. Distressed, but hopeful.
Dodger

 

[HA]

Hello Dodger,

Those psych nurses make really good friends. I'm so glad she is able to help you folks out.

Using [GOOGLE]"I messages"[/GOOGLE] is a really good communication tool. It takes some practice but will be especially helpful in communicating with your daughter (and each other) when there are really charged emotions.

I messages allow us to communicate our thoughts and feelings without the other person feeling like we are attacking them and getting defensive. It's something worth looking into when you have more energy.

You have found some good friends here.

:grouphug:

 

[Dodger]

Thank you again for valuable advice. The "I message" sounds like a good idea.
Dodger

 

[Dodger]

Note to those who have been so kind and helpful.....my wife has a tentative agreement with daughter and son in law to meet with us and talk over the future. Our daughter has been somewhat more amenable to my wife's opinions and "interventions" the past few days. We hope and pray that she MAY be starting to see a wee bit of light at the other end of that long, dark tunnel. One day at a time I guess.....
thank you all again
Dodger

 

[Halo]

Dodger,

I am happy to hear that your daughter and son in law have agreed to meet with you and talk. That is definitely encouraging news. I will still keep you in my thoughts and my fingers crossed that things go well.

Take care

 

[Into The Light]

that's good news dodger! take it one day at a time, and one step at a time. my thoughts are with you also.

 

[Dodger]

Thank you Nancy and LadyBug...I cannot be more explicit as to how I appreciate your concern and advice.
We try to not get over confident but of late we have been feeling somewhat more hopeful. Of course two great little girls (eight and six years of age) are so very important!!!
Thank you very much......
Dodger

 

[HA]

I hope it goes well, Dodger.
My thoughts are with you.

 

[Dodger]

Thank you to ALL once again. "Family meeting" is in a very few hours...very concerned we may say something wrong...please be thinking of us.. I hope we can say and do the right things! We do not in any way plan to be judgmental.....can't unring a bell but the future has to be addressed and right now BOTH of them are out of control. My wife thinks that our daughter right now is more amenable to hearing that they need counselling than he is because he seems to be "justifying" his drinking etc because of what "she did". Hasn't said it in those words but that seems to be the inference..
What a mess!!!!! and two of the greatest kids (biased, I know) are in the middle of it...8 and 6 years old.
Dodger

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What a mess!!!!! and two of the greatest kids (biased, I know) are in the middle of it...8 and 6 years old.

I wish more people would keep this in mind... the adults are distressed and under stress, of course, but the children are likely worried sick and depending on the adults to protect and console them.

 

[Into The Light]

the kids are very lucky to have such caring and concerned grandparents and that you are trying to keep their best interests at heart. being there for them is what they really need right now.

i don't know if you've had your meeting yet but best of luck and let us know how it turns out.

 

[ThatLady]

I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts, Dodger. I hope the meeting goes well and that you're able to get them both to understand that they need therapy, if for no other reason than that the children are being hurt by what's going on.

 

[Halo]

Doodger, I am sure by now you have had your meeting and
I just wanted to say that I hope all went well. I am still thinking of you and your family and especially your grandchildren.

Take care

 

[Dodger]

I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts, Dodger. I hope the meeting goes well and that you're able to get them both to understand that they need therapy, if for no other reason than that the children are being hurt by what's going on.

Son in law backed out of meeting (he asked my daughter by text message if it could be at noon instead of 9:30). She said she was coming alone even if he wasn't coming. She showed a degree of courage I think by coming alone... she really didn't know if we would be critical, etc., but that was not what it was about. Was a good talk tho.....,aired out some things.......,but certain elements need his input. Seems like he feels threatened, I think, over his drinking, etc. Becoming a real mess.

Thank you all for your thoughts
Dodger

 

[Dodger]

It is SO difficult to deal with family issues that touch so closely. Our daughter and son inm law have been married almost 14 years and to the naked eye he has always...ALWAYS... seemed to be the exemplary young man that any parent would want for their daughter. As a matter of fact we have said we could not have found a better husband for her if we had done the choosing ourselves. Now, after talking with her today (she keeps her cards very close to her chest and never has said anything uncomplementary about him) yet, today the question of his drinking came up and we got the very distinct impression that has been a problem for years. She basically said that he can be drinking and doing fine but almost intstantly he can change into someone else almost. My wife talked to our neice (daughter's cousin) who told her the same thing. They could all be together somewhere and son in law would be happy, laughing etc and all of a sudden he would change. His face would become almost threatening and if our daughter asked what was wrong he would scowl as if to say "you know what's wrong" although NOTHING had happened. That sounds to my untrained mind to involve something much deeper than the alcohol.
Perhaps sczhiophrenic (sic) behaviour maybe???????
Of course I have no knowledge of that sort of thing but it strikes me as being something rather deep inside him.
So...what started out as a "daughter thing" has expanded. The "mess" is worse than we thought it was.
Thank you for everyone who has responded...................
Dodger

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No. Not schizophrenia, or not very likely.

More likely just someone who doesn't react well to alcohol and who shouldn't be drinking. Like that guy in every small town who when he drinks wants to try and pick a fight with someone.