Questions about medications

[CarlaMarie]

I have gotten some interesting feedback from people with this change and step down. My therapist told me today he has never seen me so vulnerable. He likes it. I was so mad and worked through the anger. I was raw emotion all of them today happy,sad, mad, glad. I can't contain it. It is sort of uncomfortable because I brought a lot of attention to myself. I am so social. I don't mean to be I just am. I get embarrassed because the next thing I know people are saying nice things to me and making jokes. Maybe not a bad thing.

 

[tryindbt]

It's not a bad thing!

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Carla Marie

. I was raw emotion all of them today happy,sad, mad, glad. I can't contain it. It is sort of uncomfortable because I brought a lot of attention to myself. I am so social. I don't mean to be I just am. I get embarrassed because the next thing I know people are saying nice things to me and making jokes.

I told you how sometimes I have trouble restraining myself. I have gone off and said and done things I was ashamed of and hated myself for. But the funny thing is that after that people sometimes - rather than being negative - have been understanding and supportive and even compassionate. They know when I'm having a bad day. I have figured out that part of the reason for this is that most of the time I am a good and decent person that goes way out of my way to show kindness and compassion to others and make them feel good.

You are the same as best I can tell. People see the readiness in you to make an effort and help out and be a kind and compassionate person that gives. People understand that in spite of having trouble sometimes you are a wonderful person. And so they forgive your rough times and extend compassion to you.
Your are a nice person and people know. So deal with it.
Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

What a week! The transition to 37.5 was easier. Somehow I managed it all and almost stay sane with my husband away all week. It was crazy around here. I am a new me. I am trying to figure out if it is my ADHD and impulsiveness or just that I no longer live in fear and depression or a little bit of both. I went and bought myself an IPhone and opened my own account after being pissed off when my phone lost it's charge in mid sentence. I was sick of being told no. So just did it.

I managed all the kids! My way of course that included lots of take out and the kids played practical jokes on each other but they were fed, in bed on time and made it to school everyday on time.

My little adoptee is still clean and sober and has found a sober living apartment to move into that is perfect for her. She has an interview on Monday afternoon as a hostess in a resturaunt that is near where the apartment is. There is public transpotpation available. It is perfect. My fingers are crossed it all works for her.

On Tuesday I stop taking Effexor. The end no more. I still get anxious and panicked and feel emotions. I keep going with the flow of life. All the years of therapy seem to have paid off.

I went to church today. I haven't been in a year I had to stop because I cried too much. It was triggering. I would just bawl I had to sit in the front row because of it. Today no tears. Yeah! I can just walk through my fear. I don't know if I am making any sense. My brain still feels a little off. Foggy.

 

[bloodwood]

Hi CarlaMarie
You were kind of quiet for a week and I was wondering if you were having a rough time but it sounds like you are slowly mastering your world piece by peice.
Your kids sound like they keep you busy - in a good way.
I am really happy to hear that you and your extended clan is doing so well.
Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

Hi y'all,
The results are all in. I have done it all. Been to see and back to see all the Doctor's over the last month. I still have a few more follow up things like a stress test and an echo and stuff but for the most part I am done. High cholesterol.
Some tid bits of information that have effected my health and my mood were my vitamin D deficiency. It was all the way down to 27 and it is supposed to between 35-100. That can cause a bunch of trouble including pain and exhaustion. No wonder I was so tired. I hate when I do stupid **** and don't take the pills. Anyway back on them once a week and then once a month.
I am now no longer taking Effexor. It is day 3. I feel good physically. No more pain. I don't have any symptoms of withdrawal. The anxiety is better. I am still emotional. I have to admit I still have PTSD and I still have drama in my lilfe. I felt really depressed the first night and I did some cutting. I have some intense stuff going on with my marriage.
The plan with my psychiatrist was to increase the dose of cymbalta from 60 to 90 if I felt depressed. At this point I have chosen to take a benzo instead rather than increase my dose. I want to wait it out. I want to use therapy as a tool to deal with my current drama.
This depression and these emotions feel different. I still have the ability to function. I actually was able to get through shopping with a teen age girl rather stress free. Now that says a lot.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Some tid bits of information that have effected my health and my mood were my vitamin D deficiency. It was all the way down to 27 and it is supposed to between 35-100. That can cause a bunch of trouble including pain and exhaustion.

And depression...

 

[bloodwood]

Hi CarlaMarie
Sounds like a nice sustained turn around. Your tone sounds positive.
My undersrtanding was that vitamin D was the one that got hit in the winter due to less sun exposure. Here in Canada it is an issue, I don't know how Texas is for that. Of course if you feel poorly you would tend to stay in more. I like that you are including therapy too. I always worry if the focus is only meds.
And I can't believe the shopping was all bad. I bet you guys had a hoot!

 

[CarlaMarie]

Actually Peter the issue with vitamin D with me is not that I don't get enough of it but for some reason my body doesn't absorb it or something like that. I will never be able to get it through food or sunlight like most people I have to take a supplement. I'm grateful my Doc found the defiency I had no idea. My bad for forgeting to make that a priority for a prescription for the pills. My internist is a really awesome diagnosticition and great with patients but he keeps everything in his head and forgets to write things down and tell his nurses. He just took on some interns who are updating his charts and we found it. The Doc and I both forgot about it.

It was Interesting shopping with her. I sat and watched her buy her first purse and she bought some skirts. And then I remembered when she had sworn off skirts and dresses in the second grade. She said then she was a tomboy. No more dresses, bows, flowers, or ribbons. I guess things change when there is a boy in the picture. It was bittersweet. Then she bosed me about how I embarrass her when I talk to strangers. Blah, blah, blah....

 

[bloodwood]

Hi
It kind of sounds like the VitaminD system difficulty may do the same thing as the sun shortage. Unless I have my vitamin info confused. I was pretty sure it was D. The shortage of sunlight causes S.A.D.
I know everything isn't perfect but your medical team sure put in an effort. And it make sooo much different when they are getting it right.

You said it was "interesting". But from this end it kind of comes across as some nice bonding time. And I bet when she was complaining about being embarassed you were just smiling away. This young lady out buying her skirts and girlie stuff. Huh?

I remember one of our conversations where you talked about how you are very chatty and social with people. That would just kill any teen trying to be cool and discrete in public. mg:
I guess maybe she is evolving and growing up a wee bit. Not needing to be a tough tomboy and letting herself be a softer lady sounds like a healthy sign too.

 

[CarlaMarie]

Yes Peter, my sweet child is maturing and learning to tolerate her uncomfortable feelings more. We are quite a sight shopping. I allow her to go off on her own to shop and she can text me when she finds what she wants. I am trying to teach her how to be a savy sale shopper or at least how to get the biggest bang for the buck. She is not so interested she just wants to look good. After this last shop I am going to have to put her on a budget and let her figure out what she can get out of it.
Tonight she had her boyfriend come over. The only time I can ever get her to clean her room is either when she wants to go out or when someone is coming over so that is what I do. Her room is spotless. So I was busy finishing up the cleaning of the upstairs all the while I was getting texts from her. We are not coming in the house until you fix your hair and finish cleaning the upstairs. She cracks me up. I love her. They enjoyed the outdoors for awhile. It was a geourgous evening.

My little orphan visited tonight all excited she found a job! A family owned resuraunt. She is all moved into her sober living apartment (it has structure with affordable rent). Her hours will be 6am -11am so she will be able to take classes for her education in the afternoon. She is proud of herself. You can bet I am proud of her too!

 

[bloodwood]

>>> her to go off on her own to shop and she can text me when she finds what she wants <<<

Well I guess if those are her terms then you have to live with it. Soon enough she will be grown up. It seems as we get a bit older the year passes more quickly. I love talking to young adults and hearing about how they develop this whole wonderful new relationship with their parents on more of a peer basis. And they can be buddies then. They discover that their parents aren't just those nerdy annoying people. Their parents are actually people like themselves. (And maybe even a bit cool in their own right)

>>>She cracks me up. I love her.<<<

For all the things you would change about yourself, you a really good parent. They are kookie fun little people because you raised them to be. They have these great qualities because you and your husband bestowed those qualities and let them become nice little people.
Every few postings you do has a nice tidbit about them and how they make you smile. That's kind of cool.

Your little Orphan is slowly finding her place too. The job sounds perfect and structured. She may hate getting up early but I think it is good for people sometimes. And she might go to bed early and have less chance of getting into trouble.

 

[CarlaMarie]

I am not well. It has been one week today since I have been completely off Effexor. One week since my Mammogram.

I feel like I have gone insane totally reacted in my PTSD overreacted acted very poorly by firing and telling off our therapist and now I am reacting in my abandonment crap and cutting myself. I came clean with my psychiatrist today and told her it all. She said I was doing a "good job". I was shocked. Probably cause I am begging forgiveness from my therapist. He is pissing me off and stressng me out because he won"t f*&king call me back.

Anyway at this very moment I am at the jumping off place triggered again. The radiaology department called me in for a 2nd mammogram, an utlra sound, and to see a radiologist tomorrow. My thoughts are racing. I am already comfortable dying and being with my Dad in heaven. I am nuts!

 

[bloodwood]

You will get through this Carla Marie. You have been here before and worked your way through. I am so sorry that it took a bad turn for you. It is yucky but you have strength and resilience.
Is your doctor/team going to give you something to replace the effexor or help balance things out? You will get throught this CarlaMarie. Try to focus on things that matter, like the little ones and your orphan. Try to take a long walk to burn off some of that negative built up energy.
I know that any path to healing has ups and downs and they always come at the worst time when we are hoping the up might last a while. But sometimes I find the down comes because we had an up. Like a door was opened.
You will get throught this CarlaMarie.
Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

Thank you Peter. You were right. I got through it. All I can say is my emotions feel very powerful. When it is over I can laugh at my reaction. I was drama this week. I found out today I am not going to die after all. The radiologist was doing his job in that I have dense breast tissue and he/they could not see my entire right breast so they called me in to take more pictures. Now I feel dense. My breasts are fine.

It was painful. I was already triggered thinking I was doomed to a life of failed relationships. I was feeling the loss with all of my abandonment stuff when I got the news. So I went right to death in my head and I was in heaven with my Dad. It felt soothing to me in someways. Then I thought about my kids. How selfish is that? I would be doing to them what was done to me.

I have an appointment tomorrow with our couple therapist to make things right. I have specific instructions from my sponsor about how to apologize. Then of course I have gotten suggestions from all the women in my life about where I might have been wrong. There are some issues that kick my ass every time and I get into trouble. This isn't the first time I have had to apologize to a male therapist. I often wonder if there is any hope for people like me.

I will fill you in on my liitle Russian. She has almost been evicted but I explained her to them and gave her a chat. She doesn't recognize she has an attitude and or how to communicate her motives. I told her her attitude means she needs help. She is supposed to ask for help. I told them how basic they have to start with her. She has nothing and she does not have the skill set to get what she needs. All she has is willingness. Often her emotions get in her way. We have that in common. Lol. She is still filled with grattitude and hope. She is light and love. She is starting to trust others to help her, too.

 

[bloodwood]

Hi,
CarlaMarie, I have told you that my own rages and strong emotional reactions phases are usually tied to my sugar in combination with my emotional issues. Do you have any idea what triggered this bad time for you? Was it just the fear of death? One week you were on cloud nine and the next you were in fight mode. I can see how the fear of death would put you in fear/fight mode.
Also, I can often spot my bad moods coming and can sometimes keep things in check a bit. Is there anything for you that indicates a bad time is coming? For me it is when my thoughts become increasingly argumentative and advresarial. Emotionally adversarial. Then I know that I have to watch myself if I can.
One thing that may help is to think less of the person as a male and more as just another human sharing your planet. Good points, bad points and all. Before they are a male they are a person. Speak to the person, especially if "male" has significance for you. Remember that you appologize to make ammends not just to regain what you had lost.

About your little friend, I had not fully thought about the missing skill set. But it makes sense. She is going to have to take time and learn all of this stuff from scratch. Quite a hurdle for her, but she has you on her side.

I hope that today is a good day for you CarlaMarie.

 

[Dragonfly]

I will fill you in on my liitle Russian. She has almost been evicted but I explained her to them and gave her a chat. She doesn't recognize she has an attitude and or how to communicate her motives. I told her her attitude means she needs help. She is supposed to ask for help. I told them how basic they have to start with her. She has nothing and she does not have the skill set to get what she needs. All she has is willingness. Often her emotions get in her way. We have that in common. Lol. She is still filled with grattitude and hope. She is light and love. She is starting to trust others to help her, too.

CarlaMarie - you are going through a hard time ... so many things are adjusting - including the biological components. I am struck by how you are assisting your "... little Russian ...." Could some of your wisdom and compassion about her apply to you as well? Just wondering.

I am going to be off-line for the better part of a week - until about April 3. I just wouldn't want you to think that I have stopped caring or responding. Please take care. If it is comfortable, I send you good wishes and prayers. pnwdragonfly / Victoria.