Rejecting therapist?

[AmZ]

My therapist calls me 'darling' and it's starting to grate on me. She sees me and stops walking just so that she can say 'good morning, it's nice to see you, how are you?', she gave me a compliment in therapy and said that I have lost weight and look well. Her head goes to the side and she gives me a big smile in therapy.

Somehow, all of these nice things are having the opposite affect on me. It's making me cringe. I can't take it.

She's so caring and gentle and kind, but I don't like it. But then, on the other hand, I desire to be looked after and cared for. I just feel that it's not the same as with a mother or other family member. It doesn't feel natural to me.

I feel kind of horrible saying all of this and feeling this way because I guess that she genuinely cares for me. But it makes me cringe to even say that!

Thanks.

 

[Retired]

I guess that she genuinely cares for me

Most people who work in the health care field do so because they genuinely enjoy and derive satisfaction by helping people. Your therapist sounds like a caring and compassionate person who is probably wanting to set a pleasant and positive environment for you to help with your treatment and to try to make you feel cared for.

Are you unaccustomed to expressions of emotion from others?

Do you feel threatened by her demonstration of compassion?

 

[AmZ]

Most people who work in the health care field do so because they genuinely enjoy and derive satisfaction by helping people. Your therapist sounds like a caring and compassionate person who is probably wanting to set a pleasant and positive environment for you to help with your treatment and to try to make you feel cared for.

I agree.

Are you unaccustomed to expressions of emotion from others?

If I were to be honest, I am used to expressions of emotions perhaps in a negative way, rather the positive, like the therapist is doing with me here. Like my dad can get angry because he cares so much. He doesn't know where or how to direct it. Whereas, I have a therapist sitting in front of me that even cried the other week because she felt so bad for me. Right in front of my face and it was so awkward for me. My dad could never just cry and say he's so sorry I am hurting so much.

Do you feel threatened by her demonstration of compassion?

I don't know. I don't think so. I just wonder if there is more to it, like I am maybe seeing her like a mother figure and that's kind of rather messed up there!

---------- Post added at 08:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:33 PM ----------

The therapist today brought up about how I put up barriers so that I don't get hurt by others. Maybe that can be connected to this?

 

[Daniel E.]

As Ryan Howes was alluding to in another thread today, Irvin Yalom mentions in the Gift of Therapy and elsewhere that whatever interpersonal issues you have with people will likely, eventually be evident in therapy as well:

The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter ... - Irvin D. Yalom, Irvin Yalom - Google Books

 

[Budoaiki]

She's so caring and gentle and kind, but I don't like it. But then, on the other hand, I desire to be looked after and cared for. I just feel that it's not the same as with a mother or other family member. It doesn't feel natural to me.

The therapist today brought up about how I put up barriers so that I don't get hurt by others. Maybe that can be connected to this?

Hi AmZ,

Sometimes it easier to put up barriers than to accept the compassion she is showing you because sometimes when someone shows they care for you you fear doing the same because of the risks of letting someone get that close also makes us feel vulnerable.

It takes a certain amount of strength to do it, maybe a part of you is afraid of hurting her by exposing her to your pain but I don't think it's your pain that caused her to cry I think it's because you've been dealing with it alone.

In my opinion (and I am sure others would agree) you are a good person who obviously deserves the compassion she's shown for you and although it may be unfamiliar to you it's coming from a genuine source, from someone who has your best interests at heart which I am sure you already know but I think you deserve to hear it.

Give it time and with effort I think you'll be comfortable with this compassion and the rewards you will receive by trusting in and accepting her compassion.

 

[AmZ]

Hi AmZ,

Sometimes it easier to put up barriers than to accept the compassion she is showing you because sometimes when someone shows they care for you you fear doing the same because of the risks of letting someone get that close also makes us feel vulnerable.

It takes a certain amount of strength to do it, maybe a part of you is afraid of hurting her by exposing her to your pain but I don't think it's your pain that caused her to cry I think it's because you've been dealing with it alone.

In my opinion (and I am sure others would agree) you are a good person who obviously deserves the compassion she's shown for you and although it may be unfamiliar to you it's coming from a genuine source, from someone who has your best interests at heart which I am sure you already know but I think you deserve to hear it.

Give it time and with effort I think you'll be comfortable with this compassion and the rewards you will receive by trusting in and accepting her compassion.

You speak a lot of sense. Thank you for the reply.

I know that I am putting up barriers and not letting her fully in. I guess I am scared of needing to move on from the hospital one day and that relationship will be lost. So 'better' to block her out. Then I need to start with a new therapist at the program I'll be going to after the hospital. It's tough.
It's made me really hold back with my emotions too.

 

[Budoaiki]

You speak a lot of sense. Thank you for the reply.

I know that I am putting up barriers and not letting her fully in. I guess I am scared of needing to move on from the hospital one day and that relationship will be lost. So 'better' to block her out. Then I need to start with a new therapist at the program I'll be going to after the hospital. It's tough.
It's made me really hold back with my emotions too.

So you know what's holding you back and despite your trepidations you know why and how to get through it.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I know what you mean, hon... I get a bit squeamish when someone I don't know very well treats me kindly. I am actually wondering in my mind why on earth they're being so nice, and what's in it for them? Of course this is a direct result of how I am used to my mom being nice to me to get something out of me.

Sorry I haven't dropped in for a while. My husband has been very ill, and it's just a bit draining. I've retreated a bit from the world to gather my strength... I will try to PM you later...

 

[forgetmenot]

or I get what your saying hun i don't trust people enough either to accept their kindness just to be hurt to thrown away again
It is better to hold back to be protected i get that
I do think your therapist though cares and wants to help you break down those barriers of fear of uncertainty
It will be hard but trust her okay see it where it takes you this therapy small steps at a time hun You can do it.

 

[AmZ]

Jolly and Eclipse - very nice to hear from you both.

Jolly - how is your husband doing? I'm so sorry to hear that he is ill. I hope that he makes a full recovery very soon.

Well, the psychologist is right that I put up barriers with people. And worse than that, I don't just do it with the psychologist and other workers here, I do it on the outside of the hospital too with making potential friends and connections. I'm avoidant. I get worried about being hurt or rejected. There's a lot more to it I guess, I'm site my psychoanalysis psychologist would love to analyse the relationship with my mother!

I may only be in the hospital for another couple of months so I'm still cautious about opening up to the psychologist seeing the little time we have left. What should I do about that?

I found it so overly embarrassing the other day when she asked if I'd had intimate relationships before - I said that I don't want to talk about it. I didn't see the connection, how she just asked me out of the blue. I wasn't comfortable enough to speak with her about it.

I have some stuff to work on.

 

[Budoaiki]

I didn't see the connection, how she just asked me out of the blue.

AmZ,

Just a guess on my part but I think your therapist is trying to gauge your comfort level with relationships in general to understand how you build your relationships which involve trust an important componant in intimacy.

And/or perhaps she is doing this to build a stronger bond with you so she can earn your trust and help you in a more efficient manner.

I may only be in the hospital for another couple of months so I'm still cautious about opening up to the psychologist seeing the little time we have left. What should I do about that?

In my opinion that's all the more reason to open up to her so you can get the most out of your therapy and be better prepared for when you do leave hospital.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for the reply.

Again, you speak a lot of sense. Thanks for your insight.

Yes. She's probably testing to see my comfort levels. She hit me! I don't think that I passed the test.

There's always an element of me being closed or appearing to be. Even when I think the way I sit there, she probably thinks I'm being closed. I wish that I was a more warm person. I think I'm pretty cold to others and I don't like it. I wonder how I can change this.

I've been with this psychologist for 9 months or do out of my 11 month hospital stay - seeing her 2-3 times a week. We'll see what happens when I meet with her on Tuesday.

 

[forgetmenot]

I may only be in the hospital for another couple of months so I'm still cautious about opening up to the psychologist seeing the little time we have left. What should I do about that?

Hun don't waist any more valuable time okay with your therapist You said it you only have a little while longer so get the help NOW hun work with your therapist now and let that fear go okay you do what it takes to somehow trust this therapist to use all she has to help you heal hun It took me awhile to open up too hun ,
You work with her okay use this time now while you have the support to heal use it wisely hun hugs

 

[AmZ]

Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty open with her and honest. It's her approach that I just don't like sometimes. Can someone be overly compassionate? Sometimes it makes me feel even worse. Like she'll keep saying "that's awful, that's awful" and be looking at me. And all I want to say is "OK OK. Enough already".

 

[forgetmenot]

then tell her that hun that sometimes w hen someone is over compassionate towards you it makes you uncomfortable then she will understand and not be that way so much
You need to tell her how it makes you feel okay don't be afraid to just let her know that sometimes her responses her actions set you back a bit.

 

[Daniel E.]

You need to tell her how it makes you feel okay

I agree.

 

[AmZ]

That's going to be a tough one because she's going to think that I am pushing her away. Like she said about me putting up barriers.

I just really can't stand that she is over the top with the empathy and stuff.

I'm confused.

 

[forgetmenot]

No she would not think you are pushing her away by opeining up to her she will see you are trying to open up a path of communication hun i know it is hard but the more you hold back the less she can help you hugs

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for the advice.

It's all a learning curve.

 

[AmZ]

My therapist cried in the session again today.

It makes me feel so awkward.

We were speaking about my 'mum' and I pretty much had no reaction to the subject and just kept saying that we're wasting our time talking about it. Then my therapist started to cry.

I can only imagine if I would have had a strong reaction to the subject such as crying. We'd both be sobbing sitting there together! I seriously feel like I can't show my true feelings because it's going to get her going and I don't want my therapist crying in front of me.
Regardless, this subject never gets much of a reaction out of me asides from anger. I don't feel upset really. The therapist is more upset than I am!

What to do?