Rejecting therapist?

[Daniel E.]

I told the therapist that I was angry and annoyed again at our session and she apologised and said that maybe she should just be there for me rather than questioning me about everything.

Regarding the questioning, part of where she may have been coming from (in addition to the typical client-centered stuff):

Prove you want to understand. If you don’t understand and don’t want to, then please remove yourself from the situation, because you will not help.

The Importance of Validation and BPD | dances on the edge

 

[AmZ]

Regarding the questioning, part of where she may have been coming from (in addition to the typical client-centered stuff):

Thanks. The article on validation is very interesting.

I know that my therapist cares a lot about me, in fact, she said it in today's session. Sometimes her approach just kind of gets on my nerves. I don't know if that can be something BPD related or maybe it's connected to something from my past. I've never wanted or had the attention on me and I still find it difficult to have therapy like this. And I hate to dissapoint. Mix those two things together and that's what happened today. I didn't want to say that my weekend went bad.
I'm fed up of the downs and hate relaying them to the therapist and to my dad and sister. My dads calling tonight and I'm not looking forward to it.

I just want to be better already

 

[Cat Dancer]

I've been questioning myself about this a lot lately, but what do you think being better would mean to you? How would you be?

 

[AmZ]

I've been questioning myself about this a lot lately, but what do you think being better would mean to you? How would you be?

Good question.

I guess I'd just be content with how I was a year and a half ago and build on that. Things snowballed and got way out of control. Without ruminating, of course, I just can't believe things got so bad.

I'm not sure how I would choose to be though.
I find it difficult to think that I'll be back in a job and all of that.

I hope that this rehabilitation program after the hospital will set me off in a good direction.

I don't think I've ever really been content with life, let alone happy.

How do you see yourself CD?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm struggling with this. I would like an underlying sense of peace even when things are not calm. I would like to not have self destructive thoughts. I want to be "ok".

I'm like you, I don't think I've ever really been happy and I want to know what that is like. I want to know what mental wellness is. We read a lot about mental illness, but not much about what it is to be mentally well. I want to know that. Surely there are people who have that? I hope so. I want that.

I don't know if I make any sense. I just know I am miserable now and it's OLD. I 'm tired of it, but not sure where I want to be and not sure how to get there. I want both of us to have some peace and happiness.

 

[Daniel E.]

I hope that this rehabilitation program after the hospital will set me off in a good direction.

BTW:

For those who suffer mental illness first hand, the conscious grieving of mental illness could help you prepare, not only for a formal rehabilitation program but also for your ultimate success in such a program.

The Mental Illness Education Project, Inc.

 

[Budoaiki]

AmZ,

I wonder if the holiday reminders of family might have reminded you of the problems you have been dealing with?

Or maybe causing you to focus on the milestone aspects of the holidays and your own expectations for your progress?

Sometimes the holidays can be a source of stress for some people for those reasons. Remember the importance of being aware of your thoughts and feelings so you can understand where they come from and therefore how to handle them.

 

[AmZ]

Peace and happiness sounds good CD. Let's hope that 2012 brings all of us some of that. So, you're trying to find happiness too? I guess it's life's biggest question. I am just at a loss at what I want to do in life and where I am heading. I'd love to have some dreams or goals or aspirations, but I don't. It leaves me feeling very empty and like what is the point of living.

Thanks for the article Daniel. It's interesting.

Budo - I don't celebrate Xmas so there isn't much of a holiday season for me. So no stressors for example with family etc. or memories.

I don't know. Just feeling in a bit of a daze. It's still feeling like a nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from.

I have to meet with the psychiatrist tomorrow and she's going to decide whether to raise the Prozac dosage or not. does the weekend I had go to show that it should be increased or not necessarily? I've been v emotional also. And still not sleeping good. 4-5am wake ups and don't get back to sleep.

Thx.

---------- Post added December 27th, 2011 at 09:01 AM ---------- Previous post was December 26th, 2011 at 10:28 PM ----------

I'm just trying to tell myself that it will pass. I feel horrible this morning.
The thoughts of not wanting to live came back. I don't see a place for me in this world asides from in a hospital and even that sucks.

---------- Post added at 06:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:01 AM ----------

Can one feel good and bad at the same time? I feel really mixed up. What can I do to lift myself out of this state?

I spoke with my psychiatrist today and she said that she doesn't want to increase the Prozac from 40mg yet and wants to see how I am feeling the next couple of days. I think she thinks that there is only do much medication can do and what happened on the weekend perhaps is something that therapy will need to sort out. I'm not sure. I can't say that something specifically happened to set me off. I just didn't feel good with anxiety and feeling disconnected communication-wise and down.

Thanks as always.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thinking of you. Do you go to classes and things like that in the hospital?

 

[AmZ]

Thinking of you. Do you go to classes and things like that in the hospital?

Thanks CD. Ditto.

Yes, I am in a special program in the hospital in which there are 12 of us patients in. It's called 'The Bridge' as its the connection between the hospital and getting out of hospital. it's for people that are going in to program's after their hospital stay.

I don't want to be overly negative but yes, I go to the program on a daily basis - we had Psychodrama today and the therapist read us a child's book! Then we had group therapy with a dr talking about wars and earthquakes. So I don't know how much I take from them. It's really unfortunately a case of getting through the day and enjoying what I can from it. Which isn't so much. It's pretty darn tough.

Now it's the evening and I just have all that I have written going around in my head. That's why I come here to write and hopefully receive replies. I'm pretty lonely and miss having some normal people to talk to and get feedback from.

 

[Cat Dancer]

So there isn't much to do in the evening and you kind of end up feeling lost?

 

[AmZ]

So there isn't much to do in the evening and you kind of end up feeling lost?

There's nothing from 2pm onwards. Maximum. Then we are kicked out of our rooms at 4pm and there's only the uncomfortable day room to be in with always an action film on which doesn't do good for me. And I feel anxious about being there because it's where bad things happen most of the time so I'm on edge. Then we're let in to our rooms at 6.30pm and have the whole evening to be filled up. My mind just goes off on one. It's tough. Not having any friends or family to come at visit me at the least.Then I'm having issues with leaving the hospital and not coping. It's very upsetting and frustrating.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ok. I know it's probably hard to concentrate, but are there things you can have like books or word puzzles? I know it might sound silly but what about coloring pages? LOL. I've not been hospitalized as long as you, but when I was they would print out coloring book pages for us to color. I used to just color to keep my mind off stuff. What about those word search books? I used those a lot. Just to do something. It's kind of mindless stuff, but might keep your mind off bad stuff and just keep you busy. Some people color mandalas like these mandala - Google Search

I wish I could help or say or do something that would help. I remember how it could be in the evenings and the anxiety would get really high.

 

[AmZ]

Ok. I know it's probably hard to concentrate, but are there things you can have like books or word puzzles? I know it might sound silly but what about coloring pages? LOL. I've not been hospitalized as long as you, but when I was they would print out coloring book pages for us to color. I used to just color to keep my mind off stuff. What about those word search books? I used those a lot. Just to do something. It's kind of mindless stuff, but might keep your mind off bad stuff and just keep you busy. Some people color mandalas like these mandala - Google Search

I wish I could help or say or do something that would help. I remember how it could be in the evenings and the anxiety would get really high.

Thanks CD for being so thoughtful and caring. I'm going to try and get some puzzle type worksheets from the art room. I know they had them in the closed ward when I was there but not sure if they have in our one. But I'll also look in to other word puzzles when I am out of the hospital tomorrow. I feel like I could really use my brain too! Feels like its sizzling away!
I did a couple of mandalas before but it didn't really keep my concentration for long.
I was recommended a book which I just received from Amazon. Rachel Reiland - Get Me Out Of Here. About her recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. It's hard to get going with things and get started but hopefully I'll get in to the book.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That sounds like a good book. Just keep in mind there is hope. Sometimes it goes sooooo slow, but hang on.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks.

Yeah. It's all been about sorting out the depression but then I have all of this BPD stuff to deal with. Haven't even started on that really.

Therapy is, I think, starting to focus on this though. My therapist is asking about my mum and how she was as a mother and about the abandonment. I can't even connect with talking about these things. I think, because they are the most difficult. All I end up feeling is Ipent up anger at most and I want to run (literally) from the therapists office.

Anyway. Out of the hospital tomorrow for a few hours. I hope it'll be ok. I need to get the apartment contract in to my ex roommates name and get my checks back from the estate agent. And hand my door key over to my ex roommate. I really hope it won't trigger me in to a bad mood. Making myself homeless and all.

---------- Post added December 28th, 2011 at 09:10 AM ---------- Previous post was December 27th, 2011 at 09:07 PM ----------

Grr. Not feeling good.

It's morning and I'm meant to be going to do the apartment contract this lunchtime/afternoon. It's really got to be done before the end of the month so it's my last chance to go now. I want to ask for Clonazepam but they'll maybe not let me go. So I can't ask.

Things were seeming so better for a couple of weeks and then it switched. Now I'm going inbetween feeling reasonably ok and bad, like I was before being on the Prozac.

Sometimes I wonder if I have more patience for this process.

---------- Post added at 04:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:10 AM ----------

Well, I'm out of the hospital again. Just for a few hours so that I can get my name off of the apartment contract and stop any more money coming out of my bank account. Then I'll be officially home-less and living out of the hospital. It's scary. Back to like when I first emigrated and had 2 suitcases to my name.

I was very honest with all of the staff today about how I am feeling - not good. And luckily they've still let me out. At least, I think it's lucky. I'm in a cafe and wasting some time before I go to the estate agents because the buses aren't so often so that's how it worked out.

But yea, not feeling good but this is something I needed to do before the end of the month so was my last chance now.
The thoughts about not wanting to live came back. I'm again looking at the world around me and detesting it and not seeing a place for myself. I'm a pretty hot mess still after all of this time in therapy and 11 months in hospital.

If I knew my medicines better then I'd go into the pharmacy here and get as many pills as I can to take. But I don't think anything will do the job.

So I may as well treat myself to a coffee and pastry as I think this is going to be my last visit out of the hospital in a while.

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm again looking at the world around me and detesting it and not seeing a place for myself.

What is detestable about being in a cafe? "Be here now" :hippy:

 

[AmZ]

What is detestable about being in a cafe? "Be here now" :hippy:

Ah, Daniel, where should I start?

I just can't see the world on any other way - I hate it. Everything going on around me, the woman's perfume next to me, the person getting job interviewed in hope to get it in order to just be able to pay the bills but hate his job, the innocent children I look at wondering what will be with them, the arguing couple opposite me not wanting to be in a marriage myself out of fear that I will be a bad wife and mother. The list could go on.

Think it's time to blow my Prozac out of the roof!

It's too overwhelming. All of it. And even if I'm in the hospital, oh how much work I have to do and I can't even see it becoming a possibility for me to live in this world.

Sorry to sound so dramatic but this is the way I feel.

 

[Daniel E.]

Quotes for a Mindful Day

---------- Post added at 09:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:47 AM ----------

and I can't even see it becoming a possibility for me to live in this world.

it may seem that way partly because you are anxiously living in the future and would rather pessimistically guess what will happen than being uncertain. (And, of course, the "life force" is in the here-and-now -- so by becoming more present, you may be more in touch with your abilities.)

As you may not fully realize yet emotionally, people with depression and/or anxiety tend to both overestimate the risks and underestimate their ability to cope.

In other words, you are giving your thoughts too much importance, partly because of the nature of anxiety that we share with other animals.

 

[AmZ]

Well, I just lived in the moment. And it was once again s***. Pardon my French. The apartment contract is still in my name. I just had to go through all of that just to have to do it all again.

Back on the bus now to the hospital. Clonazepam me up.