Rejecting therapist?

[Budoaiki]

Regardless, this subject never gets much of a reaction out of me asides from anger. I don't feel upset really. The therapist is more upset than I am!

AmZ,

Perhaps your anger is what is upsetting to your therapist, I would venture to guess that she is trying to get you to deal with some issue regarding your mother that she feels is holding you back.

Anger is a powerful and potentially volatile emotion. So perhaps you are more upset about it than you are willing to admit or are able to express in a healthy way and as you know expressing your feelings is essential to your health.

Maybe there is a part of you that's afraid to admit how much it bothers you because it would be admitting she had more of effect on your life then you wanted.

Of course that's just a guess on my part based on my own experiences, only you know the source of that anger which is also the key to freeing you from it.

 

[AmZ]

You're pretty right in all respects.

I spent the afternoon feeling very down and shaky and on edge.

The therapist, I think, was upset with my lack of emotion and reaction to the subject. I have so internalised the abandonment issues that I can't access them.

The therapist said that this should be our main focus of therapy.

I spoke with my sister today and she said she's going to go to therapy (for the first time in her life) because she didn't realise how much our mum has affected her in so many regards.

I don't know how to get to the feelings asides from feeling anger. I can hardly talk about how my mum was as a person. It was horrible in therapy. I had anger raging in me. My whole body was racing, like a restless racing feeling.

 

[Budoaiki]

I don't know how to get to the feelings asides from feeling anger.

AmZ,

I would suggest start by acknowledging the anger, try writing about it that way you can unleash it (which is cathartic, or at least it was for me) then re-read what you wrote.

I caution you though seeing your anger written out can be... unnerving at first but it can also provide you with great insight.

Understanding the source of that anger can help you to understand how it is affecting you.

 

[AmZ]

I hear you.

Thank you for the advice. I think you are right.

Writing things down would be a good place to start.

I've luckilly just avoided asking for Clonazepam tonight. I was very close.

Right now I just need some normality, at my sister's for the weekend. My American roommate is in a very bad state and it's highly stressful to be in the room with her. I don't know what to do about it. I'm not sure if the nurses saw the extent of her anger and rage build up inside of her. It's scary.

8.30pm and I just want the day over with! 10pm is sleep meds time and I just look forward to going to bed. To being able to close my eyes and face the wall in the foetal position - like in my wonderful mother's womb!! (had to put that in there)

---------- Post added December 23rd, 2011 at 12:52 PM ---------- Previous post was December 22nd, 2011 at 08:27 PM ----------

I have the 'Lithium shakes'. Especially in my hands. I've had it for a few days but just spoke about it with the psychiatrist this morning and she said its because of the Lithium.
She said as long as I carry on feeling much better, I can come off of the Lithium. But we need to give it more time.

I'm out in the real world and it's very overwhelming. The nurse gave me 2 x 1mg Clonazepam in case I need it. I'm ok so far. Just a lot of people around and very loud.

I'm looking forward to giving the gift to my niece and I also made something for my sister and her husband in the art room.

Have a great weekend everyone. Happy Xmas!

 

[AmZ]

Not an easy weekend and not a happy bunny

---------- Post added at 08:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:00 PM ----------

I don't seem to belong anywhere. I've had a real hard time out of the hospital, couldn't talk or communicate. Then we sat down to eat and I couldn't eat. Then I left to go back to the hospital and started crying because I don't want to go back. But I can't be outside either. It's a nightmare. I'm staying at my sister's again tonight because I can't face going back. But I feel awful here too.

Help.

 

[gooblax]

:support: Not sure what to say to be helpful, but I'm thinking of you

 

[AmZ]

:support: Not sure what to say to be helpful, but I'm thinking of you

You don't need to say anything helpful. That message heled me

I stayed at my sister's because I couldn't stand going back to the hospital. Didn't have sleep meds with me so slept about 2 hours on and off crying. Really not feeling good.
I'm on my way back to the hospital now.

I wasn't expecting my visit out to be so bad again.

I'm meant to be going to sort out the apartment contract to move it from my name to my ex roommates on Wednesday but I don't think I can go, let alone be allowed to. I'll have to speak to my psychiatrist today and let her know that it didn't go good again.

I don't know what to take from this experience asides from negative things. I felt so much anxiety and depression. I couldn't eat and talk properly.

Anyway. I hope everyone has a lovely Xmas. I wish that I could be normally with family right now feeling good

If anyone can help me out, I'd sincerely appreciate it.
Thanks.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't know what to take from this experience asides from negative things.

BTW:

All experiences are neutral. They have no meaning. You give them meaning by the way you choose to interpret them.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/22169-what-movies-and-therapy-have-in-common.html#post197228

 

[AmZ]

BTW:

That was far from being a neutral experience. Whatever way you want to look at it.

Looks like theres nothing to say to me

Hope everyone is having a nice Xmas.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I think there's a lot to work through and it will take some more time. it's hard though, very hard. just don't give up. Hugs.

 

[Daniel E.]

That was far from being a neutral experience.

But the experience is over, except in your mind. You survived the experience, at least.

Neutral thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with what one is ruminating about can help like "What time is it?" or thoughts from reading a book:

One method that helps us accomplish this is a simple cognitive behavior mind exercise called brainswitching.

Since a human being can only pay attention to one thought at a time (we have only one attention), while you are thinking a neutral thought, you cannot at the same time think a negative thought that causes the brain to produce stress chemicals. As you concentrate on a neutral thought, the negative feelings therefore lessen. This is the reason a soccer player can break a bone during the heat of a game and experience no pain until after the game is over. Positive concentration on the game distracts the player from receiving the brain signals that are supposed to alert them to the pain of their injury.

The cognitive behavior technique of brainswitching was developed for this very reason. It 'jams' the focus on negative feelings until the brain shifts out of 'anxious' to more 'normal.' How do you brainswitch?

Just choose a nonsense or neutral thought in advance, to have 'at the ready' whenever a negative thought hits. It could be a mantra, a silly song, a repetitive word like yes, yes, yes, a nursery rhyme like 'Row, row, row your boat,' or even a neutral word such as 'green frog' that you concentrate on instead of concentrating on the thought 'I shouldn't have said that,' or 'I feel so fat.'

Yes, it takes a little effort at first to concentrate on your neutral or nonsense thought. But you can immediately lessen the pain this way by continually interrupting the negative thought. If you break up or eliminate this thought, you interrupt a negative feedback loop to the emotional areas that are running in high gear, taking away some of the fuel for the negative feelings.

When you feel yourself sliding into some negative thinking, immediately start saying your chosen exercise repetitively, over and over to yourself. Continually substitute it for the negative thought. You'll soon get the hang of it.

Brainswitching seems almost too simple. But the exercises do work! Yes, it takes a bit of concentration. But it gets easier as you do it. When you find yourself stuck in negative thought, just grab onto to your chosen neutral or nonsense song and that will begin to situate you in the neutral thought patterns instead of the negative one. The pain will lessen. Then, as soon as the edge is off the pain, get into some physical activity or chores and ease into your regular schedule. It can be done. Green frog! Green frog!

Switching out of negative thoughts to beat depression

That is similar to mindfulness approaches, such as those that focus on one's current sensations.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks CD and Daniel.

I just don't know where to go from here. Things seem like such a mess. Cos they are.

It was so difficult. I can't take the outside world. I don't feel normal any more. I couldn't even have a conversation with my sister and her husband. Or genuinely enjoy the company of my baby niece. Then I hate coming back to the hospital. I cried for half of the night and couldn't sleep.

There was talk today about ECT treatment again. How can things go so far and go so crazy?

 

[Daniel E.]

If they had a DBT program, they would probably try that first

 

[AmZ]

Well they don't. Unfortunately.

I feel screwed, I really do.

---------- Post added at 10:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:25 PM ----------

Sorry to snap.

Just feeling very frustrated.

 

[Daniel E.]

Just feeling very frustrated.

And you are tolerating that frustration to some degree (which is a good thing, of course) .

 

[AmZ]

And you are tolerating that frustration to some degree (which is a good thing, of course) .

When I got back to the hospital yesterday I spent 6 hours in bed crying dosed up on 2mg of Clonazepam. Not coping overly well.

I don't know what to do with myself. Now hardly slept even though I took 2 Immovane.

I'll speak with my psychiatrist today. And I'm meeting with my psychologist this afternoon.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't know what to do with myself.

I see you also used that same phrase a couple weeks ago:

My head is messed up ? The Quiet Borderline

At the risk of focusing too much on details:

"I don't know what to do with myself" reminds me of two things:

1) Too much self focus (which almost everyone has -- "the curse of the self")
2) Doing and thinking as opposed to being (mindfulness -- "be here now")

Anyway, personally, I could probably spend all day reading. I find reading very absorbing while also having some educational/occupational value since I don't usually like reading fiction.

 

[AmZ]

You've been reading my blog hey

OK, I am being here right now. I am trying.
Today I am feeling calmer than yesterday when I spent most of the day in bed and askd for Clonazepam.

I'm still ruffled up from my weekend out. Trying not to let it put a dampner on things but it's difficult not to. It was very difficult.

I just met with my psychiatrist. She said that she thinks (and I agree) to not go for full weekends to my sister's or any other place right now. What can I do? At this point in the healing process and feeling a lot better, I would liked to have expected to be able to go out over night. But I guess that I need to accept that that is not the case. So I'll have to see my sister and the baby during the week when I can go out in the afternoons and hope that that can work out.
The psychiatrist said about raising the Prozac, but said that she doesn't want to do so yet as I'm probably just experiencing the after effects from the weekend. So she said we'll see how things go between now and tomorrow.
She said we might try another sleep med because the sleeping is still a big issue so we'll see how that goes too.

I'm just trying to work out what went wrong (if I'm allowed to do that?). I was overwhelmed being just with my sister, brother in law and the baby?

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm just trying to work out what went wrong (if I'm allowed to do that?). I was overwhelmed being just with my sister, brother in law and the baby?

Behavior Chain Analysis

In my own experience with what I consider to be perfect parents, perfect grandparents, etc., I know that just visiting family -- especially if one doesn't see them that often -- can bring out strong emotions. It was like that when I lived far from my parents and they would visit me. To some degree, it was like that even this year when I visited my grandparents.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Daniel.

I guess that could have been part of it.

I think that I just built it up too much in my head about what a nice time I was going to have, not keeping in mind the fragile situation I am still in.

I'll have to try and meet my sister during the week instead.

I met with the psychologist today and it was another annoying session. They're really getting to me. Always 'and how did that make you feel?' and her always trying to link things between me and her 'am I annoying you?' 'did you not want to dissapoint me?'. I don't know. I just sat there so frustrated and p***ed off.

Grr there's always something isn't there.

---------- Post added at 05:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:12 PM ----------

Ignore me. It really is one thing after another.

I told the therapist that I was angry and annoyed again at our session and she apologised and said that maybe she should just be there for me rather than questioning me about everything.

Whatever. I'll put it behind me.

I'm trying to get out of this bad headspace but am finding that difficult to do. I'm so bored here in the hospital right now but can't take the outside world either.