Rejecting therapist?

[Daniel E.]

The apartment contract is still in my name. I just had to go through all of that just to have to do it all again.

Are you also trying to get a roommate to replace you? Or do you just have to go back to the real estate agent?

 

[AmZ]

Are you also trying to get a roommate to replace you? Or do you just have to go back to the real estate agent?

The roommate I had there found a girl to move in with her to take my place. But when I moved in there, it was just me so the contract is in my name and all the money comes out of my bank account. So the girls living there have been giving me checks.

I need to get there two names on a new contract and mine off of everything and get my checks back.

The landlord is starting to get antsy and saying that I am subletting which is against the contract. So he said he wants the contract signed by the two girls before the end of the month.

It didn't work out for them to sign it tonight as the other girl has asked for a copy of the contract in English. (she's an American new immigrant). And there's a couple more issues so I really hope things work out there. Doesn't do good for my anxiety.

I just got back to the hospital and took 1mg Clonazepam.

 

[Jesse910]

AmZ, I've been where you are and I'm still there. My therapist is the "good mother" I never had. And, at times I fight against this because it makes me feel afraid because I do not trust women specifically or very many people. However, I'm slowly learning that in moderation, as I accept hercompassion and kind words, I'm starting to see myself in positive ways. Additionally, I'm learning that it's okay to be loved a little bit. These days, I find myself less depressed and more interested in living. Please give yourself permission to be cared for. Think of it as a gift.

 

[AmZ]

AmZ, I've been where you are and I'm still there. My therapist is the "good mother" I never had. And, at times I fight against this because it makes me feel afraid because I do not trust women specifically or very many people. However, I'm slowly learning that in moderation, as I accept hercompassion and kind words, I'm starting to see myself in positive ways. Additionally, I'm learning that it's okay to be loved a little bit. These days, I find myself less depressed and more interested in living. Please give yourself permission to be cared for. Think of it as a gift.

Thanks Jesse,

I certainly could do with being more interested in living right now! My interezt is pretty much zilch. I'm here for my dad, sister and niece and that's it. If it wasn't for them, then I wouldn't like to think what would be. The thoughts of not wanting to live this life has come back and I wish that something passive could just happen to me to stop all of this pain and suffering.

I'm trying to accept her compassion - It's just the emotional thing which is getting to me. Her crying twice now. In a way, it's nice, so that I know she cares to a large degree I guess. But it just bothers me on the other hand, gets to me, maybe because of my isues with my own mother, perhaps it is.

My mum has been on my mind a lot recently. I haven't been in touch with her for over a year now when I decided that I'd had enough of rejection and broken promises so left all of the contact to her. Since then, she hasn't been in touch with me. It's like the rejection and abandonment happening all over again like what happened when I was 16 years old. But the twisted thing is that she is such a difficult woman to have any form of relationship with, there is part of me that doesn't even want a relationship with her. It's more like I just long for a mother.

She doesn't even know that I am in hospital for 11 months now or what is going on for me. I think (and maybe fear) that one day I'll just get a call that she has died. That's how it seems it's all going to end.

I'm very aggitated - Not feeling good but can't really describe what that is - Like an internal sinking feeling and disgust. Not just about my mother, but in general, that's how I am generally feeling. Depressed. Down. Sick to the stomach.

I don't know if there is any point in going to my psychiatrist. She is being very hesitant about raising the Prozac dosage. I am currently on 40mg, and it can go to 80mg maximum. She said that I've been triggered by going out for the weekend to my sister's which apparently doesnt mean that the Prozac needs to be raised. There's only so much the medication can do for the BPD and I think she's thinking that. But even though I have been triggered (and am being very over-sensitive), it's continued on for all of the week until it's Thursday now.

Frustrating times.

---------- Post added at 04:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:39 AM ----------

Sorry for going off on one.

Just a lot on my mind.

The OCD has been worse also in the last week or two and that hasn't even come up with the therapist or psychiatrist.

I spoke with the psychiatrist today and they are raising the Prozac dosage to 50mg from 40mg. I still personally think that there is a little way to go further with the Prozac until it can help for the OCD and anxiety, I hope. I took another mg of Clonazepam today because I needed calming down. If the Prozac doesn't help with the anxiety, then I'm tempted to go on the Clonazepam again at 1mg rather than 0.5mg. Just scary to have to taper off so finely and gradually.

I met with the psychologist today and was open and honest about the fact that therapy is frustrating and irritating me. I don't know what else I can do to change it. I just feel like we always talk about the same stuff and it gets tiring. She then told me that 'to be honest' I am quite closed and have a wall up. I know that I have this but don't know how to change it. Ideas? Like we talk about my mum and even I have an internal block. I can't get to the memories or feelings.

 

[Daniel E.]

She then told me that 'to be honest' I am quite closed and have a wall up.

My therapist just said something similar to me this week. That's why I posted the articles on opening up.

I think some superstar therapists, like Irvin Yalom, are better than others at eliciting information, especially information about what the client thinks about the therapist. OTOH, Yalom tended to see the same patients for years, so he wasn't exactly working miracles (hence the phrase "heroic client" -- not "heroic therapist").

Anyway, I am going to start writing some stuff down for my therapist as a way to share info. Have you already tried that?

 

[AmZ]

My therapist just said something similar to me this week. That's why I posted the articles on opening up.

I think some superstar therapists, like Irvin Yalom, are better than others at eliciting information, especially information about what the client thinks about the therapist. OTOH, Yalom tended to see the same patients for years. Anyway, I am going to start writing some stuff down for my therapist as a way to share info.

I'm trying to still get used to the silences also. The therapist also said today that she sometimes gets very frustrated at the end of the session because she thinks she spoke too much. But I'm not the one talking so talk away therapist!

I feel like we've come to a bit of a brick wall in therapy and not sure how we can break through that wall. We've been in therapy together for 9 months now twice a week. She gave me her email address a few weeks ago (and her cellphone number which is against hospital rules) and says that I can email or call at any time but I don't know what to write her emails about!

 

[Daniel E.]

I feel like we've come to a bit of a brick wall in therapy and not sure how we can break through that wall.

I love Yalom's idea that therapy is a social microcosm -- like a lab for understanding how one relates to others. Yalom seems to believe that interpersonal issues are usually the primary issue, and the client (and therapist) can be swept away by symptoms that are manifestations of one's ongoing difficulty relating to others.

Also, I don't think I can ever forget this phrase: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/15274-therapy-constipation.html

 

[AmZ]

I love Yalom's idea that therapy is a social microcosm -- like a lab for understanding how one relates to others. Yalom seems to believe that interpersonal issues are usually the primary issue, and the client (and therapist) can be swept away by symptoms that are manifestations of one's ongoing difficulty relating to others.

Also, I don't think I can ever forget this phrase: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/15274-therapy-constipation.html

Great article. Thanks Daniel.

I did tell the therapist today that I have found our last few sessions very frustrating. I didn't go as far to say that I was not looking forward to our sessions however. I said that we always talk about the same things such as how I am feeling and it's getting to me. Partly due to my own frustrations also of having those couple of good weeks and then hitting the floor again.

I don't know. I'm very confused about it all. The therapist refuses to make any reference to BPD, much like the outside therapist did too, but it leaves me not really understanding myself very well as I don't understand why I am feeling a certain way or act in a certain way.

It's the end of another week here and I am upset. Upset that I have a weekend to be here which sucks (can't see that any other way) and another week down in my life living like this.

Sorry for the negativity.

 

[Daniel E.]

The therapist refuses to make any reference to BPD, much like the outside therapist did too, but it leaves me not really understanding myself very well as I don't understand why I am feeling a certain way or act in a certain way.

Since there are a ton of articles on the web, maybe you could use one as a starting point to discuss something personal with her. Or one of your blog posts, etc.

Have you considered emailing her a link to your blog?

 

[AmZ]

Since there are a ton of articles on the web, maybe you could use one as a starting point to discuss something personal with her. Or one of your blog posts, etc.

Have you considered emailing her a link to your blog?

My 'outside' therapist has the link to my blog. I don't know why I call her my outside therapist because she's at least not going to be in the next 1-3 years! But anyway.
I haven't given the hospital therapist a link to my blog. I'm pretty sure I've dissed her in some posts a bit and put down the therapy I have with her. I guess that I could email her my posts but it's pretty much the same as what we talk about in therapy.

It feels like we ran out of things to talk about. But on the other hand, I still don't think that she knows all about me and understands me fully. With the outside therapist, I was with her for 7 or so months and felt like she knew me inside out. This therapist just seems to skirt over things in a way, like we've spoken about the OCD once etc. I know it's mild but it's something that is still bothering me.

Well, on to the next therapist in the rehabilitation program I'll be in after the hospital!