Relationship issues

[mattygm]

Hi

I broke up with my long term finacee last June with whom i have a daughter with who is now 2. I found out she had been cheating on me which has messed me up and found out she got pregnant by someone the week we broke up. Since then every relationship i have been in i get all these weird feelings and thought going round and round in my head about being hurt again and end up pushing the other person away, the thoughts i get are repetitive which i repeat in my head to stop me worrying and everytime it gets too much i end up texting my partner making sure they want to be with me and are happy and to check they wont cheat on me and hurt me like i was before, its like i need to hear what i want to hear all the time to stay sane. Ive recently got with someone who i have been with for about 2 months now, i started off fine thinking it wont happen again this time with my feelings and thoughts but then they suddenly started to appear again as i have really fallen for this person now and am terrified of losing her and pushing her away, it gets to the point where i feel like ending it before it gets to the point where she ends me,seem to be worried ll the time what she is going to do behind my back and cant seem to relax. What is wrong with me.

Thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Insecurity and fear of being hurt. I think to some extent this happens to anyone who has been betrayed in a relationship. But as you are discovering it is destructive and self-defeating. She has probably moved on with her life but you haven't yet been able to manage that.

This is one of those situations where a few sessions of counselling/psychotherapy would probably be really beneficial.

 

[mattygm]

relationship issues

I dont understand it though. We have been seperated since last June and i do not have any feelings for her now what so ever, just want o be happy with the person i am with at the moment but am just insecure all the time and feel like i am pushing her away by going on at her all the time, i ust think the same thing is going to happen again and im going to lose it. How do i go about getting help on this?

Many thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's not that you are missing her or wanting to resume a relationship with her necessarily... it's that you've suffered a serious breach of trust -- THAT is the part you're having trouble getting past.

Try:

• asking your family doctor to recommend someone
• doing an internet search for "psychologist yourcity" or "counseling yourcity" or something similar (you don't need the quotation marks)
• looking in the Yellow Pages under "Psychologists"
• see if any of the links at http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/find-a-therapist.htm provide any leads for your location [/list:u]

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, the site I have used for finding info about local therapists is the therapist finder at PsychologyToday.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thanks, Daniel... I'll check it out and add it to the list.

 

[Daniel E.]

Another minor detail: The therapist finder at Psychology Today is only for people living in the United States. It lists only a small percentage of the actual number of therapists in my area.

 

[mattygm]

issues

Thanks guys for your help.

Are there any online sites that you know of with info of my condition and similar?

Many thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Your conditon isn't a "disorder"... it's just a normal reaction to betrayal of trust. There are various books on coping with an affair in a relationship or coping with separation, etc.


Try some of the resources at http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/separation.htm and http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/relationships.htm as starting points...

 

[Daniel E.]

A good article posted on this forum:
Learning to Trust Again

Also, I did a search at Amazon, and a book that seems relevant is:
The Courage To Trust: A Guide To Building Deep And Lasting Relationships

 

[mrdaniel]

not trusting is a natural thing, but i think if you continue to bombard your parther with doubt and mistrust, that will be the end result , not to the extent of her cheating but put a wedge in the growth of your relationship. put your energy in to living and caring for you partner.

 

[mrdaniel]

not trusting is a natural thing, but i think if you continue to bombard your parther with doubt and mistrust, that will be the end result , not to the extent of her cheating but put a wedge in the growth of your relationship. put your energy in to living and caring for you partner.

 

[cathyp]

thank you

I am so glad that I am not the only person with this problem.
I was hurt really bad in the past and I have been feeling the exact same thing with my bf now. I feel as if I may drive him nuts and he will leave with all my questions and comments and emails, about him doing things behined my back. He has been very supportive saying he loves me and he will answer all the questions I throw at him because I am a beautiful person coming out of a bad situation.
The thing is logically I know he isnt doing the stuff I think he is, but then it is like something takes over and the doubts creep up again.
We are very open in our relationship and he knows a lot of what happened in my marriage and he listens. What I am afraid of is driving him away.

 

[cathyp]

thank you

I am so glad that I am not the only person with this problem.
I was hurt really bad in the past and I have been feeling the exact same thing with my bf now. I feel as if I may drive him nuts and he will leave with all my questions and comments and emails, about him doing things behined my back. He has been very supportive saying he loves me and he will answer all the questions I throw at him because I am a beautiful person coming out of a bad situation.
The thing is logically I know he isnt doing the stuff I think he is, but then it is like something takes over and the doubts creep up again.
We are very open in our relationship and he knows a lot of what happened in my marriage and he listens. What I am afraid of is driving him away.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you can find a way to question and/or seek reassurance without attacking him, you will not drive him away if he loves you. He seems to be able to understand where your insecurities and doubts are coming from and to respond in that context. As long as he is able to refrain from taking it as a personal criticism or attack, and to understand your insecurities are about "men" or "relationships", not about him personally, my guess is that he will stand by you and prove to you that he is not your ex-husband and that you do not need to fear that he will become him.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you can find a way to question and/or seek reassurance without attacking him, you will not drive him away if he loves you. He seems to be able to understand where your insecurities and doubts are coming from and to respond in that context. As long as he is able to refrain from taking it as a personal criticism or attack, and to understand your insecurities are about "men" or "relationships", not about him personally, my guess is that he will stand by you and prove to you that he is not your ex-husband and that you do not need to fear that he will become him.

 

[cathyp]

I try not to attack him. At least I dont think I attack him. I am afraid I will turn into the person I dont want to be. I just always feel like he is keeping things from me, and I am trying my best not to think like that but it is very hard for me. It is not a nice feeling to not trust anyone, and I am afraid I will drive everyone away if I cant fix this problem I have. How do you go from not trusting to trusting the persons in your life you should and know you can trust but still cant? It is not a nice way to go through life always wondering "but if I do trust and I get hurt" or "what if he really is doing something and I trust then how hurt will I be"
I contacted a therapist but I am afraid of going. I guess because maybe he will tell me I am crazy or something. I have gone to therapists before, but not on my own and now I am afraid to go on my own.
I think I will take that step though.
I have only been sperated since March but I didnt move out of the house until may. Kicked out actually. No money, nothing. My parents tooks me in though so I was very lucky there.

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds like a therapist's help would be a very good answer for you, hon. Don't worry about him/her telling your you're crazy. If you're crazy for these feelings, you can rest assured that the rest of the world is crazy, too. These are natural feelings once your trust has been violated.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

First, you are not crazy, what you are feeling is not even uncommon, and any competent therapist will know that.

Second, I suspect that seeing a therapist could be very helpful in allowing you to accomodate some of your feelings about your experiences in the marriage and some of your current insecurities.

Third, it seems you have been open about your history and feelings to your boyfriend and that is a good thing -- continue that -- ask him what he is and is not comfortable with -- ask him if at times he feels criticized or attacked personally -- if this is going to be a relationship you want to develop and maintain, starting with honesty and open communication is a good policy. A therapist could help you with communication styles, etc., as well.

 

[X_Rage_X]

Hi, I'm a little new to this thing and you might know each other and I don't know anyone but I literally have no where else to turn and I am on the verge of taking a bottle of Xanax or jumping off a building. I hope someone here can relate. My current boyfriend is an amazing person and the love of my life. He started out chasing me and I wasn't sure if I wanted him, then I realized how well he treated me and how good he made me feel and I gave him a chance. Now I am so in love with him, and we had planned a move to California together, on the grounds that he got a job out there he really wanted. I helped him with his resume, and it turns out he got the job. Now he is nervous, with good reason, and when he gets nervous he shuts me out. I feel now I am killing our relationship because of my insecurity towards his behavior towards me, it is a vicious cycle I can't break. I am happy for him but my happiness is deteriorating into heartbreak and confusion as I realize he is pulling away from me, although he says he loves me and still wants to move in with me. But I just dont feel it. He has barely told anyone about our plans, and this worries and saddens me, but the more I bring it up, the more I am seemingly repelling him. I have been crying for weeks and have been a wreck at work, at home and with friends. Plus, I know he met some guys AND girls there, and this worries me as well, as my self esteem is and always has been abysmal, and I feel like I couldn't compete with someone that is part of a new life he wants to start 3000 miles away.
I know I need therapy but despite workign full time I have no health insurance and I cannot afford it. I am literally driving myself nuts. This guy seriously saved my life, he brought me happiness and made me feel like I was special and worth knowing and loving, and coming from an unstable family and childhood I have never felt this way before in my entire life. I know if I lose him, I will literally have a heart attack. I am so regretful and panicked at the same time. I know I sound like a desparate fool in love, but it is so much more than that. I have been having nightmares, having to call out of work, not sleeping, etc. Someone please help, I am on the verge of suicide and I have nowhere to turn. -L