I am a 48 yr old man, married three times since the age of 22, back to back to back. I have now been on my own for a mere four months and I have a hard time with it. So much so that I am considering going back to the ex even though I know it would be for all the wrong reasons. I am trying to learn to live alone, the fears and lonliness are very difficult for me to handle. I cry daily, I miss my sons, I miss the "easy" life of coming home from work and playing with them, bathing them, putting them to bed. I live in a tiny apartment now, very depressing.
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ThatLady
Member
The reasons you're listing are, indeed, poor reasons for reconsidering a relationship that failed before. I think you know that. Are you in therapy, by chance? It sounds like a good therapist could help you find a direction for yourself and learn to be more self-reliant. It's not a bad thing to enjoy company, but company is much more enjoyable for everyone concerned when it's the right company for those involved.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I think that's a common experience for newly separated non-custodial parents, pssst.
What's important now is that you focus on two things:
1. trying to discover who you are when you are not part of "a couple" - who is that man when he is on his own? what does he like to do? what does he think about and dream about? what does he worry about or fear? In a sense, this is about re-discovering you and developing a relationship, perhaps for the first time, with yourself. It is really only when you are comfortable being alone that you can be truly successful being in a relationship, because then you are in the relationship out of choice, not need.
2. use this time to develop a closer and better/healthier relationship with your children when you do see them - make it their time, or more accurately their time with you and vice versa - alternate weekends may not seem like a lot of time but many men find that during those alternate weekends they can actually have a lot more focused quality time with their children than when they were living 24/7 in the same house.
What's important now is that you focus on two things:
1. trying to discover who you are when you are not part of "a couple" - who is that man when he is on his own? what does he like to do? what does he think about and dream about? what does he worry about or fear? In a sense, this is about re-discovering you and developing a relationship, perhaps for the first time, with yourself. It is really only when you are comfortable being alone that you can be truly successful being in a relationship, because then you are in the relationship out of choice, not need.
2. use this time to develop a closer and better/healthier relationship with your children when you do see them - make it their time, or more accurately their time with you and vice versa - alternate weekends may not seem like a lot of time but many men find that during those alternate weekends they can actually have a lot more focused quality time with their children than when they were living 24/7 in the same house.
Thank you kindly for your responses. I am indeed seeing help and it is helping a little. I am reading book after book on why I am who I am, how I can change, how I can be my own self without anyone guiding me. I do have other issues that I am dealing with. I have a "controlling" issue. Not the normal one we all hear about in relationships but rather an emotional one. Allow me to explain. If I am total control of a relationship, by that I mean if it's me who decides it's over and not my partner, I am better able to deal with it as I'm sure most people are. However, if the other person ends a relationship, this is where unusual things occur. I doesn't even matter if I agree that the relationship won't work or not, the fact that someone else made the decission takes me too a place I hate. I get hot flashes, I get weak in the knees, I break out in sweat, I cry endlessly! While I'm in this state, I make phone calls to people, I sob so badly, hurt so badly, I am completely out of control. An example.....My girlfriend ends our relationship yesterday...I go nuts! I know it likely won't work with us, and if I broke it up there wouldn't be a problem. The first thing I do is begin to cry, knees weeken, I am totally lost and consumed by these emotions. I then call my ex wife and tell here "Lets not divorce"! Lets try again! and the next morning she calls me asking if this is what I really want. Of course, by that time, the panic has subsided and I am now thinking with my brain, not my emotions and tell her no!
How crazy is this?
How crazy is this?
^^Phoenix^^
Member
Hi Pssst,
This made me giggle a little because I often use this term to describe myself to others. However, we have to try to not label ourselves, espeshially with load-bearing words like this one. What you posted doesn't make you 'crazy'; its simply the way your brain is working at the moment.
In terms of what you posted about the way you feel, it could be that you have some abandonment issues that you need to sort through with your therapist. It sounds like an initial 'gut' reaction that subsides as you relax and come around to the idea. Being alone is scarey if it is the first time that you are going through it, and knowing about yourself and your likes will help you feel more relaxed about it. It is often helpful not only to know yourself, but also to know what you like to do. Knowing this will able you to do the things that you like to when you feel depressed, helping you to gain pleasure from being alone. I paint, others write poems, songs, walk etc. I mention these because having a sense of accomplishment helps one's frame of mind, and although it won't get you the time with your kids, or having someone to talk to when your at home, it can fill in the time, which could otherwise be used to dwell on subjects of hurt.
pssst said:
This made me giggle a little because I often use this term to describe myself to others. However, we have to try to not label ourselves, espeshially with load-bearing words like this one. What you posted doesn't make you 'crazy'; its simply the way your brain is working at the moment.
In terms of what you posted about the way you feel, it could be that you have some abandonment issues that you need to sort through with your therapist. It sounds like an initial 'gut' reaction that subsides as you relax and come around to the idea. Being alone is scarey if it is the first time that you are going through it, and knowing about yourself and your likes will help you feel more relaxed about it. It is often helpful not only to know yourself, but also to know what you like to do. Knowing this will able you to do the things that you like to when you feel depressed, helping you to gain pleasure from being alone. I paint, others write poems, songs, walk etc. I mention these because having a sense of accomplishment helps one's frame of mind, and although it won't get you the time with your kids, or having someone to talk to when your at home, it can fill in the time, which could otherwise be used to dwell on subjects of hurt.
ThatLady
Member
I agree with Phoenix. This doesn't sound "crazy" to me. It sounds like the reaction of someone who is afraid of rejection and afraid of being alone. In short, someone trying to cope with issues of abandonment. Therapy can be of great help in dealing with these issues, but it does take some time. Just keep striving and try to be patient. There will be bumps in the road to health but it's worth the travel. 
ThatLady
Member
Thank you, Pssst, for coming here and sharing with us. It's through caring for each other that we are better able to cope during difficult times. We're glad you're here with us.
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