So much happening

[mudpuppy]

I was laid off work at the end of October, and since then I've been to career transition workshops, meeting with a career counsellor, working with clients in my new consulting business, and going to Xmas functions. So many people, but no one to talk to about all the changes and upheaval. It's been fun, but it's all surface.

All the changes are scary, and I've been having a hard time sleeping, with unpleasant dreams in the few hours that I do manage to sleep.

I want so badly for things to work out well, but I'm so afraid I'm going to do or say the wrong thing and mess it all up.

In many ways it all feels wonderful, like I've always wanted it to be, but I'm afraid it won't last. That I won't be able to handle it all, and it'll all be lost.

I'm sorry to be so incoherent. There's so many things all churned up inside that it's hard to sort through it all.

Thank you for listening.

 

[forgetmenot]

You are not incoherent hun i hear you and of course all this upheaval will bring some anxiety on. You are doing great just take one day at a time ok I am glad things also feel wonderful change for the good right. Good you are talking here we care and we will listen and you are handling it and you will handle it hun try not to worry ok i know that is hard to do though hugs

 

[Ftbwgil]

Hi Mudpuppy when I read your thread I read a lot of "WHAT IF". That is a sure way to have anxiety and it really does a lot of damage to our nervous system. And the thing of it is ... it does not exist... its all mind fabrication... I know I've been there and I ended up hospitalized for HBP High blood pressure anxiety related.

I noticed whenever I have anxiety I am able to put "what if" in front of the concern. If I can suggest that when you are in your mind which we all seem to spend a lot of time there and you start feeling stress anxiety ask yourself if your "what if" thought is a "what is". If its a what if then it does not exist.... its not real... the only thing real about is is the value you are giving it.... and if it is "what is" then that is real and can be addressed with an action plan. I speak from experience I know what you are going through. And for sleep well as soon as you enter the mind of what if ... stop and breath as deep as you can and only think about breathing. think about how you are caring for your body by feeding it oxygen. Also if you force a big smile your body will be less tense and you will calm down. It should work

 

[MHealthJo]

Feel free to spill out some of the thoughts or worries here if you like.... and I really like Ftwbgil's way of expressing the what ifs vs what is, I'm going to remember that...

It is so so hard sometimes to remind our body and nervous system of this.... so easily, our body and nervous system starts feeling like the topic is a "what is" - like the feared thing has already happened and is here right now.

Something that pulls some people out of their mind and what ifs and into the true 'what is', is yoga movements/stretching and the breathing that goes with it.... Sometimes it's the way of having to focus on the tensing or stretching of the right muscle group, and at the same time holding a breath or slowly inhaling or exhaling, plus then the way that it floods oxygen and blood flow into certain parts of the body and interrupts the pattern of what the brain was previously doing.

I'm often surprised at the results even when I (in bed) just inhale deeply, tense/squish/stretch and hold a certain muscle group a few seconds, then let go and exhale slowly and breathe deeply, then move on to the next muscle area. Don't forget the face, head, jaw, neck, shoulder, chest, abdominal muscles. You may be able to find youtube audios to guide you as you do it if you prefer - it may be under yoga breathing or progressive muscle relaxation (I think).

Wow! You are doing every awesome thing I can think of in terms of navigating this next phase for yourself and transitioning from the old one. There is no reason not to believe that your results in doing so will be as good as they can possibly be, as far as it depends upon you. We can't control everything or perform perfectly - all we can do is our imperfect best as we move toward something. We can get feedback, learn things and try to grow, but we simply won't be able to ensure that absolutely every result or opportunity works out first time around by achieving perfect performance in every moment....

Those what ifs are so familiar though. That's our mind trying to control our world and achieve total certainty. It just doesnt want to let go and accept that we can't. It's that thing we can't have. And when we forget this, our mind stresses out running and running after it, thinking it could catch it if it just keeps running....

I actually forget that ultimately I can't control plenty of things, avoid every error or failure, or force some outcome. I simply forget. But the moment when I again remember and accept this fact and let go somewhat, I feel better. I either just feel better and relax, or I become more actually useful to myself by switching to an action that contributes to what I want, or just to good health and life and feeling balanced or positive... equals confidence and as good results as possible.

(And flubs will happen and there is life after.... a flub or failure is not the end of the story; steps can then be taken following on from there....)

I remember Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now talking about that.... The mind is a tool to work on a problem or achieve something, but even once it has done what it can, it wants to look for new ones, or create a problem to solve....

But we can just wink at its antics sometimes when it tries to do this.... It is like any other tool; when we have finished using it for a time, we lay it down... it's a good resource that one, for we worriers. Another good one I'll suggest is When Panic Attacks by David Burns.

Yoi may also find benefit in exploring the six core processes of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training too. Here's an introduction, and scroll down for free audios/resources too.

The Six Core Processes of ACT | Association for Contextual Behavioral Science

You are doing awesome things and have so much to offer. Sometimes after a life curveball though (or a few at once!), some part of us blames ourselves or just gets exhausted and battered, and concludes maybe we're not awesome. But don't. (And if you get stuck sometimes, dont be afraid to seek out a chance to talk it over in person with a CBT therapist or the like.) I honestly find you very tenacious and resourceful and danged hardworking. Whatever happens, I don't think good things will stay away from you too long.

 

[mudpuppy]

Thank you, everyone. I really like the "what is" approach, and the yoga approach of breathing and staying in the moment; one day at a time. I've been working on both, and they're helping calm things down a bit. Having a break over the holidays helped, too. It was a nice chance to take a deep breath mentally, step back a bit, and regroup. It's still scary, but not quite as overwhelming.

Thank you for listening, for your suggestions, and for your very kind words. I'm still feeling like one giant exposed nerve, so I'm going to call a counselling service. This roller coaster of emotion is exhausting. I had hoped it would get better once I was out of the craziness, but it seems to be getting worse.

 

[forgetmenot]

Good for you reaching out for some support when you need it mudpuppy I hope you get into counseling soon as just talking to someone will help you feel not so alone

 

[mudpuppy]

Aaaand the counsellor I was to see tomorrow has called in sick, so I won't be able to get in for 2 weeks. "It's not urgent, is it?" No, ma'am, I guess it's not.

:hopelessness:

 

[Mari]

Oh dear! What other support do you have to help you through until you can see a counsellor?

 

[mudpuppy]

My mom, my bf, and here, mostly. I was hoping to give my poor mom & bf a break, maybe get some suggestions, or at least a different perspective on things. I have something that might turn unpleasant happening on Monday, and I'd really hoped to be able to discuss it in advance. Two weeks from now isn't nearly as helpful.

 

[MHealthJo]

Feel free to chat more about it here if you wish Mudpuppy.

 

[mudpuppy]

Thanks, MHJ. It's looking like I may have my first delinquent client on my hands, and I'm really not good with conflict. I thought I had a good relationship with these people, but apparently I've misjudged it. I knew I'd eventually have to deal with something like this, but I really hadn't expected it to be this early in the process. I'm doing research online about it, and I'm talking to a collection agency to find out what the usual procedures for this kind of thing are, and how to best handle it, but it's taking a much higher emotional toll than it would if I was feeling a bit less "exposed" after everything else that's happened in the recent past. I'm feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and generally inadequate to the challenge at the moment. Getting the info has helped; at least now I have a plan of "attack" if it becomes necessary. Now, if only I could stop my stomach from clenching up randomly and messing with my ability to eat, sleep, and enjoy things.....

 

[MHealthJo]

Remember also, try not to take it personally... it may really not reflect any lack of good relationship building whatsoever. Absolutely every business or service will run into a certain portion of dishonest people who'll try their hand at getting something for nothing.

All you can do is follow the best plan that you know to deal with these things, and consider it "just business". There's really nothing personal about it (even though they may try to make out such a thing); and by following your plan to try to get what you are owed, remember that you have a right and you're not doing anything dangerous or wrong.

Glad that your research is serving you well! Man you've got gumption, and I suppose every entrepreneur has to do each thing/face each situation a first time. Gosh, it's something I do wonder about a lot, how businesspeople do all these things or how they learn it. Everyone I've ever known well has been a salaryperson/payroll, and I find business ownership or entrepreneurship absolutely baffling in a literally mythical way. Really admirable, and I have to say my knees would be knocking as hard as yours. (Not sure whether that's helpful to hear! But I definitely empathise.) Sending positive calm vibes! I do believe you will do well with it though.

 

[mudpuppy]

It's very helpful, thank you! And thank you for your kind words. I sometimes think that entrepreneurship is as mythically baffling as you do, and wonder what the heck I'm getting myself into. I'm trying very hard not to take it personally, but you're right that they're certainly trying to make it that way. All kinds of loaded language such as "I'm not accusing" (yes, you surely are) and "don't take it personally" (which is exactly how it's supposed to be taken).

Things escalated unexpectedly tonight. At 11:30 I got a message from them which essentially blamed all the problems they've been having, for over a year, on me. This is especially interesting since I've only been working with them for 6 months, and the things they're pointing to as the cause of the problems (which a bunch of other people recognized immediately and were all well aware of in advance, apparently) have only been in place for 5 months. I guess I'm more powerful than I thought, affecting things that didn't exist 6-7 months before I was aware of them not existing...?? Waiting until the last minute, at nearly midnight, on a Friday is also pretty loaded, as is the two of them trying to bully me in tandem. Given how this has been playing out, I suspect this isn't the first time they've pulled this little act. It's a bit too choreographed to be entirely believable at face value.

I responded rationally, logically, with facts, information, and requests for details on exactly what the problems were that all these other people were able to spot, blindfolded. I also reminded them that the information they claim to be basing all this on is the very information that I asked them for repeatedly and didn't get. "Garbage in, garbage out." Can't make useful decisions on faulty information.

An hour and a half later, and there's no further reply. Ideally, they'll pay and go away. If not, I guess it's collection time.

 

[MHealthJo]

Hey, you've done wonderfully!

Ugh you're right, they sound pretty good at what they're doing, and I'm sure it works nicely on a certain percentage of victims. Ewww. I can't believe what deceitful, conscience-less people are willing to put others through.

You're playing hardball calmly and reasonably like a pro. Even if things don't settle easily and quickly this time, you've proved to yourself you can navigate through it and survive it. (And hopefully it won't be TOO often.) Well done! (Of course I do hope they pay soon and go away though! :/)

 

[mudpuppy]

Quick update. After lengthy negotiations, and some significant backtracking on their part, we split the cost. And then I fired them. I feel so much freer! I hate having to deal with untrustworthy people.

Thank you again for your support. It's reassuring to know there's a place I can go to talk about this. It's all still very new and very overwhelming. I spend a lot of time feeling inadequate to meeting the challenge. But, one step at a time.....

 

[mudpuppy]

And the weirdness continues. My partner was let go from his job yesterday, only a few days before the end of his probation period, for reasons that are so glaringly bogus they're nearly laughable. In hindsight it's pretty clear that they really didn't intend to keep him past his probation and just took what they could as cheaply as possible. At least he knows that he did his best, and there was nothing more he could have done to alter the outcome. In a way that's even more frustrating because it leaves him feeling so helpless. And I feel helpless because I can't do anything at all about it.

 

[MHealthJo]

Bah. I'm sorry Mudpuppy.

How are his options looking after this event? Will he need some sort of support or advice to make the best of his experiences and move forward to find something new?

It is a crazy time in history, in the world of work, it seems. At least in a lot of places in the world.

 

[mudpuppy]

He's got a few options, fortunately. The reasons they gave were so ridiculous that he can't take them seriously enough to worry (he didn't exceed his goals by enough). The scariest part is how unpredictable it all is. He's skilled, adaptable, and hardworking, but that only seems to make him unemployable?!

If he can't manage, how can I? He's got so much more to offer, and even that's not enough. I'm feeling so inadequate that I've been feeling sick, and numb. I have no idea what to do next.

 

[MHealthJo]

Please remember though that these situations don't always make sense, it's just a crazy crazy time in the world of work. And sometimes people are let go for reasons completely different from those stated - stupid unfair reasons such as jealousy, politics, etc, sometimes come into things. It sucks. Globalisation has decimated everything too, and it sometimes seems to me like the world simply has never quite gotten its bearings since then, or like we are all still struggling to make sense of it all. I know I definitely am.

Come to think of it, when I just said "it's a crazy crazy time in the world of work", I now realise I almost want to say "it's a crazy crazy time in the world of human beings". I don't know, I feel like it probably varies from place to place, but sometimes in recent times I do wonder how many of the people we work with or work under, or the people who run things generally or even run the world, are thinking straight or operating by good values that make sense. I sometimes have experiences that suggest to me that people are struggling more with modern life and getting crazier?... I don't know. I know I've been let go from a workplace once partly because I was the least bitchy person there; it was becoming more and more clear that I didn't fit in with the dysfunction. I know someone who has to fit in with widespread corruption and dysfunction and ridiculousness, that goes right to the top, in a government/council organisation. Money doesn't have to be made and work doesn't actually have to get done. What has to happen is people have to fit in with the craziness of the powerholders. And this is what my friend does, and he stays employed.

So I just don't know hun. I do know that out there there are still workplaces that make sense. I think a person who does have a lot to offer, simply needs to find a place where THAT is what matters. I am sure that they still exist. It is so stressful and confusing though, dealing with this world we are living in now, I do feel that that is the case. I feel sad to see times when that negatively affects good people. I'm so sorry. I hope that you guys can get by in the meantime...

 

[mudpuppy]

It is "crazy crazy", that's for sure. I've read your response through many times in the last month, MHealthJo, and it rings truer with each reading.

He's applied for about 20 jobs but been interviewed for only one, which he didn't get. Now the most likely job will take him 3 hours away, which will make everything but money so much more difficult. From a selfish point of view, he's a major part of my support, and I'm really not looking forward to not having him around.

That seems so much like a giant step backwards. We'd finally managed to get him here, and now we can't even maintain that. According to all the articles on "how to be a good employee" and "things to do to get hired", there should be people lined up trying to lure him to work for them, yet he can't even get an interview for a temporary part-time position. I feel so helpless, and I feel so scared.