So much happening

[mudpuppy]

Thank you for your kind replies.

This has always been a big anxiety trigger. I've never been a whiz-bang at home organizing, but it got completely out of control during a few years fraught with emotional turmoil, depression, etc. So, now, there's stuff everywhere, and all of it has the attached associations with what was going on at the time it accrued. Most days the thought of facing that emotional minefield is a defeat before I can even get started. The thought of all that has to be done, and all the baggage associated with it, is something that I regularly feel ashamed of.

I tried a professional organizer once, a few years ago. They're $60-80 an hour here. We spent 45 minutes discussing ground rules so that I'd "feel comfortable with the process". Then I discovered (after she'd left) that in the subsequent hour she'd broken every single one of them, often repeatedly. Needless to say, that was the end of THAT little experiment.

Fortunately, we have a lot of charities and "reuse" facilities that I can take things to (not ready to have kijiji people come to my home yet).

I found a great therapist not too far away, but since I'm not even earning enough to cover basic living expenses, the $160/hour he charges is out of reach at the moment. I may have a lead on a social worker who works with my doctor, and is therefore covered by healthcare, so I may give him a call.

Thanks for that link, MHJo, it looks really interesting. Also interesting is your mention of schemas and key values. I'm going to do a bit of research on that.

I need to do more of the validating, and less of the beating-me-up kinds of self-talk. Summers are usually worse than winters, since the yard also tends to get out of control and provides yet another source of anxiety and shame.

I used to have hobbies, and enthusiasm, and be able to sleep through the night. *sigh* The good ol' days!

*hug* Thank you for your support.

 

[PrincessX]

Sorry to hear this process is causing you anxiety. I did not have a very useful day myself, but I try not to worry about it.
Maybe, try to do one little thing a day. I have read organizing by categories is useful. Such as: Organize all books today, all shoes tomorrow and so on.
The positive thing is that you likely have the time to do it now.
I am sorry about your struggles to find a therapist. It is hard in Canada. In the US there is differently organized insurance. Realistically, not many people can afford the high fees for in-person therapy here , especially if they need more than 1-10 sessions. I have been in the same boat. I can't think of many people who are comfortable with the current system. They also have psych NPs in the US, making waiting times shorter.
As for the organizing, there is plenty of tips how to do it. I guess, if you feel calm, you can always start from somewhere. I doubt one needs a professional organizer. There is online and library books available. Also, it is important to me to try to organize things the way I find useful myself. Good luck to you.
I am very grateful, I was able to find alternative roads to receiving therapy and to start learning how to use self-help resources as well.
Also, my earlier disappointment about fees was entirely from consumer's point of view. I do believe PhD psychologists deserve these fees, but I was disappointed about the insurance organization here (no public, private covers very few sessions). I am worried my post was perceived as negative.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I didn't read it as negative. For most people, even those with insurance, therapists are expensive.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[MHealthJo]

Uggghh, the costs of helpful stuff. It's just not realistic, for so many. Some places have good programs and supports, and others, not so much. I wish these things were made really really accessible.

As well as an extra hug, some important food for thought hun....

I think that in the world around us, sometimes the wrong things get emphasized or focused on.

I think that kindness, empathy, caringness, warmth, humility / vulnerability / emotionality, appreciating and being kind about individuality and lots of human differences, compassion, lots of affirmation and positiveness and approval of each person's own INDIVIDUAL imperfect beautiful flawed valuable unique emotional fascinating self, compassion and kindness for facets of ourselves and each other lacking strength or 'success', unconditional love for precious humans without regard to their areas of 'weakness' or strength; appreciating emotion, weakness, flaw, etc, as valid facets of human existence......


... I think these are very very important and good things.

I also think that the lucky among us, have these traits a fair bit in our parents and influential / authority figures in our life or growing up.... quite a few of these things getting emphasized.

(While of course, some limits being set, some healthy boundaries, and some reasonable, fair, teaching consequences when really necessary.... and in a perfect world, having them get implemented with skill and emotional intelligence and a healthy approach. But a focus on growth through love.... as much as possible focusing on positive, affirming, kind, and respectful ways of nurturing growth. And lots of reasonableness, realisticness, and down-to-earthness in expectations. Definitely not too much criticism or judgmentalness, whether that be direct to the child, or in the general talk / attitudes towards people and life. )

I think sometimes also, there are times where one or both parents, or influential or authority figures, might be a bit or quite lacking in some of these caring, realistic, down-to-earth, affirming viewpoints and values. No parent or figure is perfect and there's no universally accepted, unchanging manual; and frankly cultures, family traditions, and problematic fads have exerted not-ideal influences on this stuff at various times. And they faced the same problem in their own parents or parental, influential, or authoritative figures, as did the next generation back, and so on.

I think sometimes, there can be a heightened level of worry or fear and putting high standards on ourselves, with associated selfblame and selfshame, if maybe in our background (and even current interactions and values of influential figures sometimes) it could have been nice to have had a bit more emphasis on some of those compassionate, kind, affirming, individuality-praising, "Perfection Isn't Necessary And Life's Full Of Allsorts Of Stuff - Good and Bad" values mentioned. And maybe if there was blame, shame, or just "unspoken high expectations".... we do tend to, to some degree or other, internalize the influential voices of the past or of our surroundings. (Hmm, even workplaces or organizations can be a factor here. Sometimes I even think about cultural influences, like the success and affluence that was glorified in the 80s quite a bit.... Yuppie culture? I think some of the Gen Xers I know felt it.)

I guess I just find it a bit ironic sometimes, of how so often there can be like for example, some 'perfect looking' parent or parents, with a perfect looking house, perfect looking garden, everything in its place, everything successful, everything looking good 'on paper'.....

....but behind the scenes there is none of those values I mentioned, going on. Abusive nastiness, or something. Sometimes worse things.

It's just ironic that to the outside world, or to visitors or something.... The typical narcissistic or sociopathic abusive parent or parents, often look great to everybody. Everything often looks fantastic, all the time. Success! Money! Perfection! Status! Order! Beauty! And things like that.

Meanwhile, some of the nicest and most beautiful people hide, in shame, in their messy houses.

I mean yeah, ideally, I would like to have better organisation and spick and spanness around here... but those things are at the end of the day nothing to me compared to the other things.

I sure know which type of things I'd want to have, if I had to choose, in a friend, partner, family member, or general member of the human race, frankly.

I want you to write notes to yourself hun, or each day, think about a time you have said a kind word or just been a 'decent person', paid a compliment, or just generally did a 'right' or 'good' thing or a nice or giving or caring or positive thing. Anything. Or anything that you valued in yourself in all sorts of aspects. This can be in any aspect of life. Manners, a smile, online, respect and courtesy, fun, self-care, self-compassion, curiosity, humour.... it doesn't matter.


And I want you to look at your undone stuff, and I want you to tell yourself a few times a day: "I am lovable, worthy, valuable, and good enough. I have worth. Whether or not any of this EVER gets done, or however slow it gets done. Whatever events or feelings are attached to these objects. It does not change my human worth. Nothing can ever add to or take away from my human worth."

It may help to write it on paper. Repeatedly, dedicatedly once or twice a day, if necessary.

If you have Feeling Good by David Burns, the chapters on "Worth" and also perfectionism are very, very good. They have been something to read and re-read for me.

I might have a couple other nice links I can round up too.... You may want to check back in in a week or something, in case I did.

Thinking of you and hug again hunny. xoxo

 

[PrincessX]

Great post. I just wanted to add that I agree that money doesn't determine one's character.
I know poor and rich people who are good people, giving a lot to their community.
Money and success are not necessarily negative accomplishments.
We are all capable of achieving at least some of our realistic goals.
Example: A lot of parents have a goal to be good parents. They don't target becoming billionaires, but being a good parent unfortunately means also providing at least minimal financial support for your children. A lot of perfectly looking parents may not be abusive and so on. I have a lot of respect for all parents, it is not an easy job to be one.
Unfortunately, financial status, according to all recent research is one of the most (and some conclude the most) important determinant of health. Poverty is associated with low ratings on both subjective and objective measurements of health/well being. This is not an opinion , but a fact. Based on this. individuals and societies must aim to alleviate poverty, wherever possible, and to an extend under their control.

 

[mudpuppy]

Money is definitely a hurdle and a concern right now. Thank Gawd for my retirement savings picking up the slack between income and outflow.

I found out that there's a social worker in-house at my doctor's office, so I have an appointment with him at the end of August. As far as I know, he's as covered by healthcare as the doctor is. Even if he isn't, it's only a 30 minute appointment, so it won't bankrupt me.

To add to the fun, there are now 2 mice loose in my bathroom. Long story. One in which I don't shine in brilliance. 'Nuff said. C'mon live traps (baited with water and p.b.)!! Where's the 24 hour "undo" button when you need it?
:facepalm:

Repeat to self:
"I am lovable, worthy, valuable, and good enough. I have worth. Whether or not any of this EVER gets done, or however slow it gets done. Whatever events or feelings are attached to these objects. It does not change my human worth. Nothing can ever add to or take away from my human worth." ~MHJo

I need to get that book by David Burns. And probably re-read the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

Lately it's feeling like the more I do to improve things, the worse they get. Maybe if I sit perfectly still, and don't move a muscle.....

 

[MHealthJo]

My darling Mudpuppy!! MICE!!! *Jo jumps onto chair and screams vintage-style*
When this very hard and painful time in your life one day becomes a distant memory, no matter when that is, I hope you will still be in touch so that I can weasel the Mice in the Bathroom story out of you. I hope that it will bring you some tears of hilarity at that time. In the meantime, I permit you to cry tears of struggle and stress and dejection at any time you feel like it, widdle Mudpuppy. I permit it. *bangs gavel* I also officially permit you to have struggles, mistakes, weaknesses, and moments lacking in brilliance. Have them. Bathe in them. Roll in them in a pig-like fashion. Imagine if pigs didn't put kindness and compassion and validation out there towards their piggishness and piglike traits. That would be stressful on them. Similarly, remember to always always always, put out some kindness and compassion to yourself in relation to your humanness. Say, "Well, I'm an imperfect human, and that's how I roll." Again, with the notes. Some people find putting up actual physical notes, of these things they've got to say to themself more often, is very helpful. Lots of Kindness to Mudpuppy, Mudpuppy. Kindness and Hugs from Mudpuppy to Mudpuppy, OK. Catch those critical, judgmental, perfectionistic voices or voices from difficult situations, organizations, teachers, family tendencies, or various influences that can come from just about anywhere, even if the source was in some cases well-meaning and just not very aware of more validating and more 'holistically successful' ways to motivate. And reply (out loud is often very useful!) with a very Reasonable, Kind, Nurturing Voice, and Hugs. xx

Oh, and before I forget and go into another topic, that has reminded me of something, because tears are allowed and OK, and can be a 'processing of the emotions', and when things process and you hold yourself kindly letting those emotions flow, then your journey does move forward. (Even if it doesn't feel like it straight away - if you are letting those emotions be felt, things are processing. You will see it a little bit after - whether it's a feeling of a bit of relief, a bit of a new insight of some sort, an idea of what it is that you think you are 'needing' and how to give it to yourself in various ways, seek it from outside of yourself, etc. But those tears or that feeling of processing doesn't always happen necessarily just on its own or naturally, for so many of us, does it. Sometimes that's half the trouble. Sometimes there's stuff that needs to be cried about, allowed to be felt, etc, but so many of us for one reason or another, we tend into different directions with our emotions. So I'm gonna mention before I forget: (And forgive me if I ever repeat a tool I've mentioned before or anything, and please as always take your time with different suggestions or just pick and choose what seems relevant at any time, and never feel pressure to sort of like.... You know how some pushy people will follow you up with what you have tried, what you have been doing, whether you did exactly what they said, haha. No pressure or judgment around here OK. Just throwin stuff out there and hey, then at least it's here somewhere as you muse through things. In your own time and at your own pace you will likely be able to 'feel' what track to go down at different times, if that makes sense.) Yeah, can't remember if I've previously mentioned it, but due to someone speaking about loss and grief the other day, I remembered to mention Listen to the Meditation Oasis Podcast | Meditation Oasis to them. The soothing, gentle free guided meditations with music there, have been invaluable for a lot of people in helping to kindly and gently hold themselves with their emotions, and with feeling a bit more 'safe' when emotions need to come through and be felt. I have noticed sometimes that I have often not known what emotion is 'there', what needs to be felt, what is happening with me, or what to do about it whatsoever, until I scanned through the different meditations there and one or two of them for some reason called out to me. In particular I have seen excellent feedback and experiences people have had from the Inner Child one and the Grief one. And also remember that whatever happens between when you pop in, or when emotions are coming out or during scary times, just remember mentally that we are there with hugs. When that moment comes when that is what you need, you just grab a pillow okay and you say "Okay and I'm having a Psychlinks hug...... now." It can also be good other times to actually ask "Yo, if there's any virtual hugs goin' today, I'll take one!" And actually hear that friendly voice and have that response. xx

Oh yeah, so I did put together the links on the stuff that I've only just come across recently - In all my travels before, I had not really come across the 'schema therapy' framework of things. When talking to a new therapist this year after not seeing one for quite a long while, quite early on she brought this side of things up and had me do a test on what schemas might be operating. It was surprising to me, after I did some further reading and stuff, how much certain things started to resonate with me a bit. (Well, and after realising this late in the game, from an unexpected event, that I did definitely grow up with some definite 'obsessive compulsive personality' tendencies in both my parents.... really a bit of a 'right/wrong, good/bad, good enough/not good enough, okay/not okay, successful/unsuccessful, approved/disapproved, safe/unsafe, right decision/wrong decision, etc" view of the world and of life and stuff ... certainly not seeing things in the 'life is almost exclusively made up of complex shades of gray' way that is far more realistic, true, and relavant to life. Even if it certainly wasn't to the degree that has sprung to mind when I've previously read descriptions of a full-blown, hardcore Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder sufferer, I could see that some tendencies were there. But this only occurred to me whatsoever after Mum recently spent some time in a mental health care facility for older adults to assist with a medication change for her bipolar disorder, and after hearing unexpectedly from the team of mental health professionals there that she has a certain tendency of some OCPD traits, rather than just OCD tendencies. It's funny what we can't see in our own situation or background sometimes.... and then after hearing it from doctor's mouths, thinking it through and reading a lot, I'm like.... "Um okay. Yeah. There was (and is) a little bit of that going on there, and even if it wasn't full-blown or every aspect wasn't there, what was there still wasn't always easy on a child." Especially since there were lesser tendencies that way on Dad's part also in the way he thought and talked, and since my older sister inherited some of those thinking styles too.... so some of these ways of 'looking at the world / life / the self' were just... I just thought nothing of them, they were just my context for life, and I can see them in my younger self, as well as at times when I have been under a lot of stress, been through something hard, etc. They lurk there ready to pounce. That was what was around me and it was just taken as a given. It's funny how much of that I could not 'see' though, until just this recent time in my life. Life's strange.

Oh yeah, so I will post the thingies. Remember that kindness and an attitude of low demandingness / low pressureyness to yourself hun. Especially since in all likelihood, you are suffering from a time of illness. Those times when our sleep and functioning is no good and our nervous system and feelings and body don't feel right, we are going through a type of illness, and a pretty hard one quite frankly. So even though there are things we would like to do and it's good to keep looking towards that direction overall, remember that kind and 'at whatever pace is manageable and possibly depending how I am on the day' attitude to put with it. Which we would undoubtedly have, if the reason for someone's difficult time was glandular fever, or cancer, or broken bones, or a sprain or torn ligament, or whatever. It's just a shame that these other types of illnesses, just have traditionally not been talked about as much or acknowledged as much or understood as much, because they involve processes that our current technology still can't really see or look at or understand hardly at all, and certainly not in the same way that an Xray can see a broken bone or the way we can easily observe how bones break or knit, or whatever. And it will take a while to get used to, but you WILL get more automatic with it in time. It WILL become more second nature and it WILL become your more 'natural' thinking style. It really has for me and it has made such a huuuuuuge difference. It leads further and further to more and more differences. In time. These things do take time, they really do. But take your time and remember, hold yourself kindly and hold your emotions kindly. xx

http://www.schematherapysouthafrica.co.za/downloads/A%20list%20of%20schema%20modes.pdf

http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm

www.lifetraptest.com - with links on that page also.

http://www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm

http://www.johnbarletta.com/documents/RemediesforLifetraps_004.pdf

 

[Harebells]

I too would love to hear the mouse story, if you ever feel like sharing!:mouse::mouse:

 

[MHealthJo]

( Ooh look at that, we actually have a cute mousie smiley / emoji thingy! hee hee!

:meow: ...uh oh... )

 

[mudpuppy]

Okay, so, the mice. :facepalm:

I've taken to referring to them as the Fuzzy Buggers. :mouse:

I had two young wild mice, a brother and sister, as pets. I've kept mice as pets for most of my life without problems. These two were mutants.

In a nutshell, they escaped one night. Both of them. Yep, like that. :mouse:

So here we are, 8 months and about that many generations later.

:mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse: :facepalm::mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse:


I've been collecting them all winter and keeping them contained and fed in large storage jars (NOT with the opposite sex). Well, mostly contained. I tracked my success as net gain or loss some weeks. Like I said, mutants. This week the overnight temps will finally be warm enough to start "rehoming" them in the back yard. I'll keep a few special ones, but the rest, "be free!!" :mouse:

Feel free to laugh. It's entirely the right response. :rofl:

 

[making_art]

I love your mouse story...

I do like mice and yesterday watched a movie about Walt Disney, titled..."Before Mickey". He did have a little pet mouse who he shared a sandwich with that he got from a garbage can (ewww!) when he became very destitute and hungry. My experience with mice is that they do bite....every time you pick them up no matter how long they have known you. Maybe they just did not like me....:mouse:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I was a lab technician as a psychology student. I could tame rats, gerbils, hamsters, pigeons, but mice? Forget about it. Aggressive little monsters, especially to each other.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[amazingmouse]

Mice bite, I have experienced it too, although guinea pigs are classy and get to know you quickly.:loveit:

 

[mudpuppy]

I think if I was cast in the life role of "universal kibble", I'd probably tend to bite, too. I've had some incredibly tame mice over the years and some.... well, not.

The females get along swimmingly, but male mice have this nasty habit of trying to kill each other, and often succeeding. Not to mention that it's the males that have that unmissable smell.

Needless to say, the males are the ones who will be experiencing freedom this week.

Amazingmouse love_heart: your name, btw), the first-ever pets I had were guineapigs. Adorable creatures.

 

[Harebells]

I'm sorry for your mouse troubles mudpuppy - but yes, that was really funny! I loved the visuals too. And I'm imagining all those jars filled with mice...Maybe you should liberate them a bit further away than your back yard!

 

[mudpuppy]

Aside from my own stupidity, the house is mouse-proof, so the yard is a safe place. It's overgrown, so it's a mousy paradise.

Twenty-three years this house had no free-range mice. :facepalm:

At least it'll be an interesting if impromptu study in inbreeding.

:mouse: :mouse:

 

[MHealthJo]

Your mouse story exceeded expectations, and was worth the wait. :lol: :lol: :lol:

I demand to continue to be updated from time to time about this strain of nature's joy that you have created. Hehehehehehe, thankyou Mudpuppy!!!

 

[Harebells]

Yes, updates please on the mutant mice! (The X-Mice?!)

 

[mudpuppy]

X-Mice!! Why didn't I think of that?! Great name! :lol::lol:

 

[mudpuppy]

Four boy X-Mice released. I felt bad for the 3rd. He had no idea what to do. Institutionalized, I guess. I left his jar out there, with his tube, so if he wants to come home he can.

:mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse: