- Thread starter mudpuppy
- Start date
forgetmenot
MVP
Hugs to you mudpuppy New day today hope it is less stressful Look back and see what you have accomplished ok Take one day at a time hugs
I hope your new counseling business goes well mudpuppy. Try to not think about "it will not last." I must have been taught that years ago that "good things won't last." I don't know how I got over it outside of just thinking how good things are in the moment. Think of all the things you are learning in your new business that will even help you in the future.
And you are not being incoherent.
And you are not being incoherent.
mudpuppy
Member
Thank you all for your kind words of support. You're all pretty awesome! 
MHJo, I've been trying that app you recommended and really like it. It makes me think, which may not always be what I want to do, but it's something that I need to do, at least occasionally. I've also found another one called "Stop Breathe & Think" that's a combo mood journal and meditation app that's really nice. I've also been chugging my way through Burns' book "When Panic Attacks", slowly, but steadily, and that helps, too.
I find it interesting that once I passed the one-year anniversary of the layoff, I've been able to sleep much better. In fact, I've been getting about 11 hours sleep a night. I have no doubt that this catching up on what's probably many years' worth of sleep deficit will be a big help.
I think I'm a bit gun-shy from the turmoil that has characterized the last few years. It seemed every time something good happened, something negative, and much larger, followed almost immediately after. Oddly enough, I think the fact that things have been going so well lately has me wanting to cower under my desk. The fallout from THAT MUCH GOOD is going to take out a few city blocks.... Yea, I know that's irrational, but there it is.
As you've all said, I need to focus on the right here and right now. If I stray from that, things seem to start going pear-shaped. It happens most often on weekends, when I spend time with my partner, and thoughts of what the future holds tend to intrude more than usual. He's also had a hard time of things in the last few years, and is still having a hard time. The thrill of looking forward to "someday" is much more enjoyable in the 20s than it is in the 50s. Yes, we both have enough savings to take up the slack that our current incomes don't cover, but that was supposed to be for retirement, and the amount of time to earn it back is shorter now; certainly nowhere near the amount of time it took to accumulate it in the first place. It would help financially if he could move in, but my house isn't in any state for that to happen (thanks to the debris from a decade of neglect, which is being worked through, but much more slowly than I'd like, and definitely more slowly than he'd like), and I'm not sure he'd be comfortable living here anyway (it's a tiny old house that's perfect for a tiny old woman, which doesn't describe him in the least). It might also be a bit crazy, but I don't want to move in with someone for strictly financial reasons. If I live with someone I want it to be because they want to live with me, not because it would save money and I'm the cost of doing that. If that makes sense? And there I go getting ahead of the here & now and getting into a dither again.
The magpies discovered something red in the garbage bag that they disemboweled (no idea what it was), but a half-dozen of them spent the next couple of hours playing with it, which was fun to watch. All the swooping and stealing, and showing off!
Then that evening the snow shovel I've had for 20+ years broke. *sigh* It was a mixed day.... :facepalm:
Well, I'd better go and brace myself to tackle more good news. Hope the mopping is going well, MHJo! Thank you all again for your kindness.
MHJo, I've been trying that app you recommended and really like it. It makes me think, which may not always be what I want to do, but it's something that I need to do, at least occasionally. I've also found another one called "Stop Breathe & Think" that's a combo mood journal and meditation app that's really nice. I've also been chugging my way through Burns' book "When Panic Attacks", slowly, but steadily, and that helps, too.
I find it interesting that once I passed the one-year anniversary of the layoff, I've been able to sleep much better. In fact, I've been getting about 11 hours sleep a night. I have no doubt that this catching up on what's probably many years' worth of sleep deficit will be a big help.
I think I'm a bit gun-shy from the turmoil that has characterized the last few years. It seemed every time something good happened, something negative, and much larger, followed almost immediately after. Oddly enough, I think the fact that things have been going so well lately has me wanting to cower under my desk. The fallout from THAT MUCH GOOD is going to take out a few city blocks.... Yea, I know that's irrational, but there it is.
As you've all said, I need to focus on the right here and right now. If I stray from that, things seem to start going pear-shaped. It happens most often on weekends, when I spend time with my partner, and thoughts of what the future holds tend to intrude more than usual. He's also had a hard time of things in the last few years, and is still having a hard time. The thrill of looking forward to "someday" is much more enjoyable in the 20s than it is in the 50s. Yes, we both have enough savings to take up the slack that our current incomes don't cover, but that was supposed to be for retirement, and the amount of time to earn it back is shorter now; certainly nowhere near the amount of time it took to accumulate it in the first place. It would help financially if he could move in, but my house isn't in any state for that to happen (thanks to the debris from a decade of neglect, which is being worked through, but much more slowly than I'd like, and definitely more slowly than he'd like), and I'm not sure he'd be comfortable living here anyway (it's a tiny old house that's perfect for a tiny old woman, which doesn't describe him in the least). It might also be a bit crazy, but I don't want to move in with someone for strictly financial reasons. If I live with someone I want it to be because they want to live with me, not because it would save money and I'm the cost of doing that. If that makes sense? And there I go getting ahead of the here & now and getting into a dither again.
The magpies discovered something red in the garbage bag that they disemboweled (no idea what it was), but a half-dozen of them spent the next couple of hours playing with it, which was fun to watch. All the swooping and stealing, and showing off!
Then that evening the snow shovel I've had for 20+ years broke. *sigh* It was a mixed day.... :facepalm:
Well, I'd better go and brace myself to tackle more good news.
Hope the mopping is going well, MHJo! Thank you all again for your kindness.forgetmenot
MVP
Hope today brings you less stress and more peace mudpuppy and you are so right focusing on the here and now try not to look to far forward ok It is good that new app is helping you that MHJo suggested continue to use it ok You are doing all the right things to stay focused hugs
Yep, Lots of people definitely understand EXACTLY what you mean, Mudpuppy, about "Oh... nothing too terrible is happening... Some things are going quite well...." --and it just makes them get very nervous and "wait for the other shoe to drop"! Gosh a couple/few shocker years can do that to you, for sure.
Yeah, it's definitely understandable what you are saying - wanting to move together at the right time for the right reasons.
Yep, I have no idea what's 'normal' or 'average' anymore - financial changes this century have flipped people upside down for sure, and I think many are definitely still floundering around trying to make sense of living with different realities, trying to work out what's best for them personally, and probably coming to varying different conclusions that are still evolving. Gosh, what the GFC era has done to retirement funds/retirement plans for a certain group, I can only try to imagine. Some have more years coming for their investments to recover a bit, while others it was like, BAM - right when they needed to use it. Gosh.
Maybe some types of people will revert to possibly "emphasis on material resources" thinking styles, being more eager to pool resources sooner; while others will be happier to keep making ends meet as they are, if it means they can carefully give themselves time to move their life at the right pace for them. Good for you for making sure you honour your feelings and instincts. Keep communicating feelings and needs to each other so that when the right time comes, you will be moving together because you want to be together and care about each other a lot, AND because it will be financially useful - you're right, having all those factors beats having just the latter one and some not-sureness on the former. Once your partner knows you need reassurance about the first one, and knows some ways that might help meet that need for you, you might find you do start to feel more reassured of that at the right time. I've read about how people tend to have different "love languages" that they put emphasis on, and once they have a good idea of what 'love langages' each other tends to use - as well as what ones to try to make a bit more effort in because it's the best one for their partner - it's surprising how their partner's reassurance level can increase quite a bit from something that's in a way a bit of a "semantics" thing! Haha. But that's the way we are, we humans vary a lot and we tend to have certain things we do value, want and need, and it's OK to help our partners understand that so that we can grow together and try to get our needs met as best we can. You might also be able to get reassurance / understandingness or possibly combined plans /a combined taskforce on sorting out the house...depending on what your preferences are.
That's interesting about the anniversary.... A one year mental mark of a 'grief period' perhaps? We do grieve these things.... unexpected stuff or when we feel like the rug gets pulled under us; something unfair or crazy; a culmination of a very stressful time; an aftermath of a very stressful time; a picking-up-the-pieces time; an adjustment...all sorts of things....that's for sure.... Either way, so nice that you are sleeping better. You've done really, really very well.
Hahaha, those wacky magpies sound cute now! ... Well...hmmm.... I bet it's one of those type of things that can be funny and cute, as long as it's an OK day and you haven't already "had it up to here" with something, haha.
Hahaha, thanks for the mopping moral support. Oh lord, I've finally just brought in the last of the clean dry loads after my overflow situation. For a couple days I had to let a couple of piles of dirty wet grossness sit on the floor until my washer could get through the job, not put delicates with heavy duty, etc. Heaven grant me the wisdom to remember to check pockets for tissues that are going to block the dirty water drain. Hahaha.
---------- Post Merged at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:59 PM ----------
Oh, you already have lots of reading and tools on your plate Mudpuppy so don't overload yourself, and I may have mentioned this one earlier - can't remember. But just in case I forget, I'll just add as a postscript so you've got it for reference if you want it - another great one for remembering to stay "in the now" is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I like the audio version, his voice is soothing. It's sort of where mindfulness meets some Eastern thought. You're doing wonderfully; travel at what pace you find best for you. If you do find mindfulness / meditation/relaxation stuff useful in the end, as many people who tend toward anxiety /future worries do, you may find relaxation exercises and tools in that vein - for example at ACT Mindfully | Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Training with Russ Harris ; or there might be some recommendations in the back of the David Burns book or there's that type of tool done by excelatlife as well.
Yeah, it's definitely understandable what you are saying - wanting to move together at the right time for the right reasons.
Yep, I have no idea what's 'normal' or 'average' anymore - financial changes this century have flipped people upside down for sure, and I think many are definitely still floundering around trying to make sense of living with different realities, trying to work out what's best for them personally, and probably coming to varying different conclusions that are still evolving. Gosh, what the GFC era has done to retirement funds/retirement plans for a certain group, I can only try to imagine. Some have more years coming for their investments to recover a bit, while others it was like, BAM - right when they needed to use it. Gosh.
Maybe some types of people will revert to possibly "emphasis on material resources" thinking styles, being more eager to pool resources sooner; while others will be happier to keep making ends meet as they are, if it means they can carefully give themselves time to move their life at the right pace for them. Good for you for making sure you honour your feelings and instincts. Keep communicating feelings and needs to each other so that when the right time comes, you will be moving together because you want to be together and care about each other a lot, AND because it will be financially useful - you're right, having all those factors beats having just the latter one and some not-sureness on the former. Once your partner knows you need reassurance about the first one, and knows some ways that might help meet that need for you, you might find you do start to feel more reassured of that at the right time. I've read about how people tend to have different "love languages" that they put emphasis on, and once they have a good idea of what 'love langages' each other tends to use - as well as what ones to try to make a bit more effort in because it's the best one for their partner - it's surprising how their partner's reassurance level can increase quite a bit from something that's in a way a bit of a "semantics" thing! Haha. But that's the way we are, we humans vary a lot and we tend to have certain things we do value, want and need, and it's OK to help our partners understand that so that we can grow together and try to get our needs met as best we can. You might also be able to get reassurance / understandingness or possibly combined plans /a combined taskforce on sorting out the house...depending on what your preferences are.
That's interesting about the anniversary.... A one year mental mark of a 'grief period' perhaps? We do grieve these things.... unexpected stuff or when we feel like the rug gets pulled under us; something unfair or crazy; a culmination of a very stressful time; an aftermath of a very stressful time; a picking-up-the-pieces time; an adjustment...all sorts of things....that's for sure.... Either way, so nice that you are sleeping better. You've done really, really very well.
Hahaha, those wacky magpies sound cute now! ... Well...hmmm.... I bet it's one of those type of things that can be funny and cute, as long as it's an OK day and you haven't already "had it up to here" with something, haha.
Hahaha, thanks for the mopping moral support. Oh lord, I've finally just brought in the last of the clean dry loads after my overflow situation. For a couple days I had to let a couple of piles of dirty wet grossness sit on the floor until my washer could get through the job, not put delicates with heavy duty, etc. Heaven grant me the wisdom to remember to check pockets for tissues that are going to block the dirty water drain. Hahaha.
---------- Post Merged at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:59 PM ----------
Oh, you already have lots of reading and tools on your plate Mudpuppy so don't overload yourself, and I may have mentioned this one earlier - can't remember. But just in case I forget, I'll just add as a postscript so you've got it for reference if you want it - another great one for remembering to stay "in the now" is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I like the audio version, his voice is soothing. It's sort of where mindfulness meets some Eastern thought. You're doing wonderfully; travel at what pace you find best for you. If you do find mindfulness / meditation/relaxation stuff useful in the end, as many people who tend toward anxiety /future worries do, you may find relaxation exercises and tools in that vein - for example at ACT Mindfully | Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Training with Russ Harris ; or there might be some recommendations in the back of the David Burns book or there's that type of tool done by excelatlife as well.
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mudpuppy
Member
Just wanted to touch base. Thank you for your input, MHJo. I've read your last post so many times, I think I can quote parts of it from memory now. It's been helping a lot lately.
Still working on the "right here, right now" thing. Still struggling with it.
My Dad ended up in hospital a couple of weeks before Xmas with what they think was a small stroke that weakened his right leg. He's had a few of them, and while not individually debilitating, they're chipping away at his strength and, in one case, the vision in his left eye. He's doing well and is currently in a rehab hospital where he's working diligently at getting strong enough to go home. He's just come off quarantine for the 'flu, and today he's got to go for x-rays and and an EKG to check out his heart because apparently he stopped breathing for a few seconds during a lung-function test. One thing after another, after another. His 89th birthday's on Friday, so we may show up with silly hats and a cupcake to celebrate.
My partner's been really busy lately with training and another new part time job (with hopes of a 3rd in a month or so). At this rate I may not see him for the next few months for anything more than lunch, even if we were living together. He's been pulling away lately, but that may just be trying to deal with all the new job demands, so I'm refusing to let myself worry (much) for the time being. I really hope the new job(s) work(s) out; he needs a win even more than I do.
Here's hoping for the best for all of us, and all those we love, in the coming year.
Still working on the "right here, right now" thing. Still struggling with it.
My Dad ended up in hospital a couple of weeks before Xmas with what they think was a small stroke that weakened his right leg. He's had a few of them, and while not individually debilitating, they're chipping away at his strength and, in one case, the vision in his left eye. He's doing well and is currently in a rehab hospital where he's working diligently at getting strong enough to go home. He's just come off quarantine for the 'flu, and today he's got to go for x-rays and and an EKG to check out his heart because apparently he stopped breathing for a few seconds during a lung-function test. One thing after another, after another. His 89th birthday's on Friday, so we may show up with silly hats and a cupcake to celebrate.
My partner's been really busy lately with training and another new part time job (with hopes of a 3rd in a month or so). At this rate I may not see him for the next few months for anything more than lunch, even if we were living together. He's been pulling away lately, but that may just be trying to deal with all the new job demands, so I'm refusing to let myself worry (much) for the time being. I really hope the new job(s) work(s) out; he needs a win even more than I do.
Here's hoping for the best for all of us, and all those we love, in the coming year.
forgetmenot
MVP
Your father sounds like a fighter mudpuppy Hope his therapy helps him to recuperate quickly Hope all goes well with your partners new job.
Have you talked to your partner at all about how you feel he is pulling away Perhaps just opening up letting your partner know what it is you are feeling will help some. thanks for the update on what is happening
Have you talked to your partner at all about how you feel he is pulling away Perhaps just opening up letting your partner know what it is you are feeling will help some. thanks for the update on what is happening
mudpuppy
Member
He is a fighter, for sure. The social worker was telling us today how impressed everyone is at the hospital with how hard he's working to get stronger. That felt good.
I've thought about talking with my partner, but I'm afraid of adding to his stress levels right now. For the time being I'm just going to float along and see if things improve or get worse. It's entirely possible that there's simply too much happening for him right now, and he's losing track of things in the flood. But if the distance keeps growing, I'll for sure say something.
Thanks for your reply.
I've thought about talking with my partner, but I'm afraid of adding to his stress levels right now. For the time being I'm just going to float along and see if things improve or get worse. It's entirely possible that there's simply too much happening for him right now, and he's losing track of things in the flood. But if the distance keeps growing, I'll for sure say something.
Thanks for your reply.
mudpuppy
Member
Update time! Dad's home, and homecare should start next week, which will be a nice break for Mom. He's thrilled to be home. I suspect Mom's torn between thrilled that he's home again, and a bit miffed at losing the independence she had. Mind you, I think the independence was starting to morph to loneliness, so "thrilled" is probably winning the battle.
Things with my partner have improved on the relationship front. On the job front, he's being jerked around worse than ever. He went through the entire hiring/interview process only to have them say that they don't think they did it right the first time around, so they're going to start over from scratch. They claim he's still a valid candidate, but I'll only believe it if he's hired. It has all the earmarks of someone's friend not getting through to the final rounds, so they're going to try again by derailing the whole process. It's disheartening to get so far only to have it taken away.
My business is quiet (read: dead) right now. I finished a largish project at the end of January, but my net income for the year so far is under $300, which is a bit nervous-making. I know I have enough in savings to carry me for more than a year, even if I don't make anything in that time, but it's still nervous-making.
This week's been a bit rough. I'm feeling like a failure, and I'm not entirely sure why. The house, the business, family, relationship.... just general inadequacy. Like the best I'm capable of will never be quite enough. I hate feeling like this.
Anyway, life goes on.
Take care, and happy Valentine's to everyone.
Things with my partner have improved on the relationship front. On the job front, he's being jerked around worse than ever. He went through the entire hiring/interview process only to have them say that they don't think they did it right the first time around, so they're going to start over from scratch. They claim he's still a valid candidate, but I'll only believe it if he's hired. It has all the earmarks of someone's friend not getting through to the final rounds, so they're going to try again by derailing the whole process. It's disheartening to get so far only to have it taken away.
My business is quiet (read: dead) right now. I finished a largish project at the end of January, but my net income for the year so far is under $300, which is a bit nervous-making. I know I have enough in savings to carry me for more than a year, even if I don't make anything in that time, but it's still nervous-making.
This week's been a bit rough. I'm feeling like a failure, and I'm not entirely sure why. The house, the business, family, relationship.... just general inadequacy. Like the best I'm capable of will never be quite enough. I hate feeling like this.
Anyway, life goes on.
Take care, and happy Valentine's to everyone.
Hey, glad your dad is doing OK!
It's a tough feeling that you describe. Sometimes I ask myself, Who exactly is this person that I'm worrying about being "good enough" FOR? And why are their standards so dang high? Don't they see all the challenges I've faced and am facing, and just how hard life is? Mr Whoever You Are? Do they have my exact personal makeup or background or brain and nervous system and genetics and exact past experiences or my exact luck? Oh right, so they have all those things 100% exactly the same and could have done 'better', could they? Just WHO ARE YOU, SIR?? Superior Judgmental Doppelganger Of Me, I demand that you show yourself!!!
I think the most important thing is to just survive what life throws at us, and just try to follow our values in the way that best seems to fit at a given time. Once I put the value of self-compassion above the possibility of judgments (some of which could just be our mind-creations or schemas anyway), and above the self-judgmental side of myself, it was a very good thing for me.
(Don't forget, we can only have so many priorities or values sitting high on our Values List at any time. Self-care & rest & self-nurturing has been high on mine for a couple years, and Tidy Organised House and some other things have been low. That's the way it's needed to be. Although I'm ready to start attempting to switch things around a bit now.)
And the 'self-compassion' value allows for mistakes, flaws, 'inadequacies', humanness, wrong turns, less-than-perfect productivity, and wobbly trajectories. Thank goodness. So many of us carry unrealistic, judgmental and exacting expectations for ourselves somewhere inside; and it's strange that we can carry those without really being consciously aware of it. My younger self really had a lot of that going on, without sort of consciously knowing it. Another interesting exercise can be to ask ourselves, "Would I be looking very judgmentally or critically on someone ELSE in this position - if it was a friend, acquaintance, stranger, family member or relative, or someone other than me?"
PrincessX also reminded me the other day of the value (necessity?) of relentless positive self-talk. I have been putting off using CBT tools for a long time, my brain was getting daunted, thinking "What are the steps again?" The phrase PrincessX used reminded me that maybe right now I don't need to overcomplicate it if that's going to put me off - I can just start again trying to remember to say tons of kind, compassionate, friendly, positive, appreciating, complimentary, positive-noticing things to myself every single day, about every endless tiny thing that I do or quality I have, the smallest everyday normal things, whatever I have survived so far or any new thing I have learned or new thing I have done or tried, ever,, or just surviving; it really doesn't matter what. Even if we are not where we'd like to be or we think we could have done more, could have done better, could have achieved more - we could ALWAYS say that! No matter who we are or what we've done. The most amazing ultra-achieving, super successful person could still say that to themselves. Heh heh. Maybe that's what's behind insatiable endless corporate greed.
Or hey, one other option is... remembering how many people there are out there who are just, um, really not good people. And compare yourself to them, if you're gonna do some comparing. When you feel like doing this, I have some TV and movie recommendations: Jerry Springer, Jersey Shore, Enron.... I could go on........
Haha, nice to chat Mudpuppy!
It's a tough feeling that you describe. Sometimes I ask myself, Who exactly is this person that I'm worrying about being "good enough" FOR? And why are their standards so dang high? Don't they see all the challenges I've faced and am facing, and just how hard life is? Mr Whoever You Are?
Do they have my exact personal makeup or background or brain and nervous system and genetics and exact past experiences or my exact luck? Oh right, so they have all those things 100% exactly the same and could have done 'better', could they? Just WHO ARE YOU, SIR?? Superior Judgmental Doppelganger Of Me, I demand that you show yourself!!! I think the most important thing is to just survive what life throws at us, and just try to follow our values in the way that best seems to fit at a given time. Once I put the value of self-compassion above the possibility of judgments (some of which could just be our mind-creations or schemas anyway), and above the self-judgmental side of myself, it was a very good thing for me.
(Don't forget, we can only have so many priorities or values sitting high on our Values List at any time. Self-care & rest & self-nurturing has been high on mine for a couple years, and Tidy Organised House and some other things have been low. That's the way it's needed to be. Although I'm ready to start attempting to switch things around a bit now.)
And the 'self-compassion' value allows for mistakes, flaws, 'inadequacies', humanness, wrong turns, less-than-perfect productivity, and wobbly trajectories. Thank goodness. So many of us carry unrealistic, judgmental and exacting expectations for ourselves somewhere inside; and it's strange that we can carry those without really being consciously aware of it. My younger self really had a lot of that going on, without sort of consciously knowing it. Another interesting exercise can be to ask ourselves, "Would I be looking very judgmentally or critically on someone ELSE in this position - if it was a friend, acquaintance, stranger, family member or relative, or someone other than me?"
PrincessX also reminded me the other day of the value (necessity?) of relentless positive self-talk. I have been putting off using CBT tools for a long time, my brain was getting daunted, thinking "What are the steps again?" The phrase PrincessX used reminded me that maybe right now I don't need to overcomplicate it if that's going to put me off - I can just start again trying to remember to say tons of kind, compassionate, friendly, positive, appreciating, complimentary, positive-noticing things to myself every single day, about every endless tiny thing that I do or quality I have, the smallest everyday normal things, whatever I have survived so far or any new thing I have learned or new thing I have done or tried, ever,
, or just surviving; it really doesn't matter what. Even if we are not where we'd like to be or we think we could have done more, could have done better, could have achieved more - we could ALWAYS say that! No matter who we are or what we've done. The most amazing ultra-achieving, super successful person could still say that to themselves. Heh heh. Maybe that's what's behind insatiable endless corporate greed. Or hey, one other option is... remembering how many people there are out there who are just, um, really not good people. And compare yourself to them, if you're gonna do some comparing.
When you feel like doing this, I have some TV and movie recommendations: Jerry Springer, Jersey Shore, Enron.... I could go on........ Haha, nice to chat Mudpuppy!
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mudpuppy
Member
Hi again. As usual, MHJo, I've read your reply so many times that I'm surprised it's not starting to fade from all the eye tracks on it.
Dad's been back into the hospital and home again since my last post. He's starting to get noticeably weaker, which is hard. Fortunately, they've got homecare in twice a day and have had a few additions made to the house (railings and such) that will make things easier. They'll also be starting in-home physio in the near future. The sad fact is, though, that he can't manage the 3 steps from the kitchen to the back door, so he's pretty much housebound. Mom keeps talking about them getting out and doing things (like get him new glasses) "when he gets stronger". Sadly, I don't think that's going to happen. The difference between when he came home in Feb and when he came home last month was visible. I'm afraid that the next time he ends up in the hospital he'll be going into a care facility instead of going home. Mom wants support but resents "interference", so it's becoming an increasingly fine line to walk.
The business is still moribund, so I'm going to start mailing out letters offering my services. This is whole new uncharted territory for me, which is scary. Otherwise, things on the work front remain unchanged.
My partner (such a sweet guy) bought me an air conditioner for the bedroom, and a light-blocking curtain, so I've been able to sleep somewhat during the hot weather we've been having. Still not great sleep, but at least it's no worse than usual.
And so things continue chugging along. No better, but thankfully no worse.
Dad's been back into the hospital and home again since my last post. He's starting to get noticeably weaker, which is hard. Fortunately, they've got homecare in twice a day and have had a few additions made to the house (railings and such) that will make things easier. They'll also be starting in-home physio in the near future. The sad fact is, though, that he can't manage the 3 steps from the kitchen to the back door, so he's pretty much housebound. Mom keeps talking about them getting out and doing things (like get him new glasses) "when he gets stronger". Sadly, I don't think that's going to happen. The difference between when he came home in Feb and when he came home last month was visible. I'm afraid that the next time he ends up in the hospital he'll be going into a care facility instead of going home. Mom wants support but resents "interference", so it's becoming an increasingly fine line to walk.
The business is still moribund, so I'm going to start mailing out letters offering my services. This is whole new uncharted territory for me, which is scary. Otherwise, things on the work front remain unchanged.
My partner (such a sweet guy) bought me an air conditioner for the bedroom, and a light-blocking curtain, so I've been able to sleep somewhat during the hot weather we've been having. Still not great sleep, but at least it's no worse than usual.
And so things continue chugging along. No better, but thankfully no worse.
Hi mudpuppy, so nice to hear from you!
Just wanted to say, I am really sorry your father is sick and getting weaker. And, being house bound is not fun. A thought that crossed my mind was, if he would be in a condition to use a wheelchair for getting out in the backyard. I don't know anything about his situation, so excuse me, if this suggestion is inappropriate, discuss it with his health team, or ask them for more suggestions.
It is very hard for family members to cope with their loved one's deteriorating condition. I guess feeling powerless, angry, denial will all interplay. Make sure you have enough information and know what to expect in regards to his medical situation. This will allow for more time to adjust to it psychologically and to start planning for meeting his care needs without sacrificing your own health.
Also, sorry to hear about your business struggles, economy is hard nowadays. I know of a couple of people, who tries 2-3 different undertakings before achieving success. It is not always easy. Good luck.
Just wanted to say, I am really sorry your father is sick and getting weaker. And, being house bound is not fun. A thought that crossed my mind was, if he would be in a condition to use a wheelchair for getting out in the backyard. I don't know anything about his situation, so excuse me, if this suggestion is inappropriate, discuss it with his health team, or ask them for more suggestions.
It is very hard for family members to cope with their loved one's deteriorating condition. I guess feeling powerless, angry, denial will all interplay. Make sure you have enough information and know what to expect in regards to his medical situation. This will allow for more time to adjust to it psychologically and to start planning for meeting his care needs without sacrificing your own health.
Also, sorry to hear about your business struggles, economy is hard nowadays. I know of a couple of people, who tries 2-3 different undertakings before achieving success. It is not always easy. Good luck.
Thinking of you and family Mudpuppy. I too have in recent times started to see things in my parents that make me face the reality that those I care about will not be exempt from, well, 'the natural order of things', and stuff that may come along in all the years in between. It's just such a hard thing. No matter how much you intellectually 'know' these things are to come, it seems like life is so full of other stuff to deal with and cope with and take care of, that it still hits us like a ton of bricks when we finally start to come upon the twilight years of our parents. It's something where I think we all tend to politely listen to the details of what's happening when it's an acquaintance, but I guess in that deep well of recorded human emotion and human experience that we call the internet, we finally see the reality of the complex feelings and thoughts that bloggers or commenters or forum posters have been generous to share.... the 'real deal' of this stuff that is suddenly upon us. It's been tough to think about.... and also to think about the sheer practicalities for the later phases of life - what will work best, how well will they adjust, what level of responsibility do I have at different stages to be around or do what things, with what level of regularly, how much time to spend, how to balance that against other stuff, etc.... since i know that no matter how much or how well i do, I will not be able to wave my magic wand and make their abilities, certain circumstances or possibilities of life, quality of life, etc, as good as earlier or healthier years. It's a hard thing.
Argh. As quite often happens to me, I have found it helpful to google phrases about my feelings or situation and read what people have written, and so feel not alone and see people who feel similar things or see their different expressions of feelings. As well as chat about it too. I mean it's a grief really - it's a grief of a 'life circumstance' changing and certain possibilities changing. Definitely a hard thing.
As it goes along too, you also get little moments of noticing ways that you still can celebrate things that can still be shared together or done together, etc, or everything that has come before... even chat about previous generations, and stuff.
Aw, that's a nice thing from your partner! I'm blissfully revelling in the cold where I am. I HATE SUMMER.
This economy is creating a 'culture' I think. The "Yep, same old same old. What else is new." culture. When you are doing what you can but the economy is barely turning, I mean, what are you gonna do? People are so individual in how they answer that question, and I'm fascinated by movements and other things that end up growing out of these times (or the flow-on effects of these times). I'm interested to see how this lo-o-ong drag will be seen in future times, and what ... I guess... 'cultural movements' will be associated with this time and what so, so many are going through. (Well, as well as the obvious 'cultural movement' towards the bed/couch for a lazy day with a book or movies. Which is a perfectly valid cultural movement. ) Hey, that's a perfect example you've got there - direct advertising! New creative ideas to just see whether there are some possible opportunities hiding out there. Fliers have been entering my mailbox my whole life and I must admit I keep them handy if it's something I might use.
Keep going, tenacious person!
Argh. As quite often happens to me, I have found it helpful to google phrases about my feelings or situation and read what people have written, and so feel not alone and see people who feel similar things or see their different expressions of feelings. As well as chat about it too. I mean it's a grief really - it's a grief of a 'life circumstance' changing and certain possibilities changing. Definitely a hard thing.
As it goes along too, you also get little moments of noticing ways that you still can celebrate things that can still be shared together or done together, etc, or everything that has come before... even chat about previous generations, and stuff.
Aw, that's a nice thing from your partner!
I'm blissfully revelling in the cold where I am. I HATE SUMMER. This economy is creating a 'culture' I think. The "Yep, same old same old. What else is new." culture.
When you are doing what you can but the economy is barely turning, I mean, what are you gonna do? People are so individual in how they answer that question, and I'm fascinated by movements and other things that end up growing out of these times (or the flow-on effects of these times). I'm interested to see how this lo-o-ong drag will be seen in future times, and what ... I guess... 'cultural movements' will be associated with this time and what so, so many are going through. (Well, as well as the obvious 'cultural movement' towards the bed/couch for a lazy day with a book or movies. Which is a perfectly valid cultural movement. ) Hey, that's a perfect example you've got there - direct advertising! New creative ideas to just see whether there are some possible opportunities hiding out there. Fliers have been entering my mailbox my whole life and I must admit I keep them handy if it's something I might use.Keep going, tenacious person!
I already see a shift in social development and culture. People are not that family oriented, birth rates are dropping, increased maternal age, longer time spent in school until career entry, increased popularity of dating sites and services for singles, less time for social activities, ageing societies, people working into their retirement years. The changes I think are here.
I believe that the world will survive though.
I believe that the world will survive though.
mudpuppy
Member
Thank you for your kind responses!
PX, while he does have a wheelchair, and can generally walk fairly well on flat surfaces with his walker, there are those pesky 3 steps between both front and back doors and the outside world that he's not strong enough to manage. I'm dropping broad hints (as subtle as lead bricks) about looking into some form of lift, but so far, no good. He should be starting in-home physio in the next week or two, so I'm hoping that might be enough to at least get him into (and back out of) the yard. He loves gardening, and it's killing him to not be able to be out rooting in the dirt. At least he can see the flowers from the kitchen window.
My partner went through something similar a couple of years ago with his aunt, and I have a friend who's going through much the same thing now with her aunt, so we all have a safe place to vent. I'm trying to re-establish contact with my cousin, who's also going through something similar with his folks. We're a motley assortment, but we're still a "village" of sorts. And, of course, I have you guys.
Years and years (and years) ago I worked in a nursing home, so I've seen the kinds of deterioration that comes with advancing age. It's different in one's own family, but it's still very helpful to have that background, and to know that there's about 5000x more social support options now than existed back then.
You're right, MHJo, it's very difficult. Sometimes it feels like it's so much harder dealing with this as an only child, but then I see what my partner and friend had/have to deal with in the realms of sibling interference, and I'm SOOOO grateful that I'm able to do what seems best, without being judged or undermined. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, eh?
I agree that it's a form of grief. The loss of my position as "child" and all the scary bits about my new position as "responsible adult" ( :rofl: ) in the relationships. Adding that to the grief of having to re-jig all my expectations for my own middle age and not-too-distant retirement, it can be a bit burdensome at times.
Summer. Gawd. Record high temps, record low rainfall, and fires all around filling the air with smoke. I miss winter......
My partner and I have been having discussions about the economy, in that we're not so much in a "recession" as we are in an outright depression; experiencing things very similar to what our grandparents & parents experienced back in the 30s. There is no work. There is no money. Well, there is money, but it's held by so few that it's not being spread around in the same way that it would be if it were held by a larger segment of the population. The people who have no money can't get ahead, and the ones that have some are so afraid of losing it that they hold on and do nothing. It's going to be interesting to see what happens over the next few years as 10s of thousands (if not 100s of thousands) of baby boomers leave the working world. That's going to be an enormous fundamental shift, either opening up broad swathes of opportunity, or closing down an equally broad swath of smaller businesses as the owners decide they've had enough. Whichever way it goes, it's going to be a very significant change in how our culture functions.
My main "cultural movements" lately have been between the fan in the living room and the airco in the bedroom.
I've just finished putting together mail-outs for 25 target businesses; all they need are stamps. My stomach's all twisty at the thought of actually mailing them, but I really have nothing to lose, and I might even get a client or two out of them if I'm very, very lucky.
Thank you again for your replies. Just knowing you're here has been enormously helpful over the last couple of years. Again, thank you. :2thumbs::thanks:
PX, while he does have a wheelchair, and can generally walk fairly well on flat surfaces with his walker, there are those pesky 3 steps between both front and back doors and the outside world that he's not strong enough to manage. I'm dropping broad hints (as subtle as lead bricks) about looking into some form of lift, but so far, no good. He should be starting in-home physio in the next week or two, so I'm hoping that might be enough to at least get him into (and back out of) the yard. He loves gardening, and it's killing him to not be able to be out rooting in the dirt. At least he can see the flowers from the kitchen window.
My partner went through something similar a couple of years ago with his aunt, and I have a friend who's going through much the same thing now with her aunt, so we all have a safe place to vent. I'm trying to re-establish contact with my cousin, who's also going through something similar with his folks. We're a motley assortment, but we're still a "village" of sorts. And, of course, I have you guys.
Years and years (and years) ago I worked in a nursing home, so I've seen the kinds of deterioration that comes with advancing age. It's different in one's own family, but it's still very helpful to have that background, and to know that there's about 5000x more social support options now than existed back then.
You're right, MHJo, it's very difficult. Sometimes it feels like it's so much harder dealing with this as an only child, but then I see what my partner and friend had/have to deal with in the realms of sibling interference, and I'm SOOOO grateful that I'm able to do what seems best, without being judged or undermined. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, eh?
I agree that it's a form of grief. The loss of my position as "child" and all the scary bits about my new position as "responsible adult" ( :rofl: ) in the relationships. Adding that to the grief of having to re-jig all my expectations for my own middle age and not-too-distant retirement, it can be a bit burdensome at times.
Summer. Gawd. Record high temps, record low rainfall, and fires all around filling the air with smoke. I miss winter......
My partner and I have been having discussions about the economy, in that we're not so much in a "recession" as we are in an outright depression; experiencing things very similar to what our grandparents & parents experienced back in the 30s. There is no work. There is no money. Well, there is money, but it's held by so few that it's not being spread around in the same way that it would be if it were held by a larger segment of the population. The people who have no money can't get ahead, and the ones that have some are so afraid of losing it that they hold on and do nothing. It's going to be interesting to see what happens over the next few years as 10s of thousands (if not 100s of thousands) of baby boomers leave the working world. That's going to be an enormous fundamental shift, either opening up broad swathes of opportunity, or closing down an equally broad swath of smaller businesses as the owners decide they've had enough. Whichever way it goes, it's going to be a very significant change in how our culture functions.
My main "cultural movements" lately have been between the fan in the living room and the airco in the bedroom.
I've just finished putting together mail-outs for 25 target businesses; all they need are stamps. My stomach's all twisty at the thought of actually mailing them, but I really have nothing to lose, and I might even get a client or two out of them if I'm very, very lucky.
Thank you again for your replies. Just knowing you're here has been enormously helpful over the last couple of years. Again, thank you. :2thumbs::thanks:
mudpuppy
Member
Hi again.
Today is not a good day. I haven't slept well at all for the last week or two; waking up, racing mind, horrible dreams, the works. If I can string 4 hours together it's a good night.
I'm feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.
A friend is purging all the stuff that she's accumulated over the last few years from relatives and their estates, and while I celebrate that she can do that, I look at my place and despair. Even thinking about tackling it paralyzes me with anxiety. So much stuff, with so many triggers attached to it. I've been doing something with it nearly every day, but at the rate I'm going I'll be in my mid-80s before it's done.
Gawd, how did I get so broken?
Today is not a good day. I haven't slept well at all for the last week or two; waking up, racing mind, horrible dreams, the works. If I can string 4 hours together it's a good night.
I'm feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.
A friend is purging all the stuff that she's accumulated over the last few years from relatives and their estates, and while I celebrate that she can do that, I look at my place and despair. Even thinking about tackling it paralyzes me with anxiety. So much stuff, with so many triggers attached to it. I've been doing something with it nearly every day, but at the rate I'm going I'll be in my mid-80s before it's done.
Gawd, how did I get so broken?
I'm heading that way myself in terms of my organisation-and-sorting-of-objects skills, Mudpuppy! Ever since I have had chronic fatigue syndrome, my brain and what things it can do well / easily is *NOT* the same. I am
s-o-o-o-o slow at this stuff and it makes me s-o-o-o-o-o tired. Ugggghhhh.
Is it this issue on its own that is causing you to feel this way, hun?
Are you judgmental of yourself for struggling in this area of your life?
(Nobody's good at everything!! Hey, most people are only *really* good at one or two things - and those are the people that have had the chance to discover what those are.
Also, I've heard that for many people, this can be kind of a 'wiring' thing, like how different people are different in terms of spatial understanding, visual processing, colourblindness, tone deafness, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, auditory or spatial processing disorders, specific learning disorders, those kind of things. Seemingly 'small' differences in neurology in ordinary people can have HUGE impacts on certain tasks of life. I don't know what the name of that particular type of learning disorder or neurology would be though or where one goes to find out about it. I don't know much about it, but I often meet women who are very intelligent and hardworking and conscientious and successful, but have always struggled with that sort of stuff. There might be something interesting here:
Clutter, physical and mental - or, organizing for the differently organized - Personal Knowledge Management for Academia Librarians
or if you google some of the terms mentioned, or learning disorders, or 'specific developmental disorders', or Adult ADHD.
I feel like I have something or other of this stuff going on, but I can't decide how much it was always like that, or if it was acquired. I noticed it far more after anxiety / depression hit me during/after a loss / life transition/ crisis time, and then especially so after I then went on to chronic fatigue syndrome. When they EVER work out what's going on with CFS / CFIDS / ME / fibromyalgia, I bet they'll decide it's a type of brain / nervous system damage and it can make certain wiring things not work anymore, or not work as well.
On the other hand, it may just be to do with having a certain level of depression / anxiety. These things also cause the brain to not operate properly or at peak. (Ahh, I remember peak. )
Is it something that (if finances allow) could benefit from a professional organiser? (If I had the spare cash I'd have one in a heartbeat. No idea what they cost though, and I don't know if they exist where I am.) Sometimes the correct type of brain working on something, can just kill it in a shorter time period than expected.
Alternatively, are you having a time of some really tough thoughts and feelings generally, and it might benefit from continuing some work with a therapist, and/or chat to your preferred mental health professional about the possibility of medication, or whatever their preferred approach would be at this time? It sounds like you could probably benefit from some of validation and support and chatting about this issue, and also maybe about what your key values are.... and maybe some talk about what 'schemas' might be operating with this issue.
Hugs Mudpuppy! My therapist said something to me and it has helped a lot remembering to do it. She said, "Through the day, validate yourself. Say things like: I will get there. I will be OK. I will eventually figure this out. "
And chat to us some more about some other topics if you would like to. (But don't worry if you don't wanna. )
xox
s-o-o-o-o slow at this stuff and it makes me s-o-o-o-o-o tired. Ugggghhhh.
Is it this issue on its own that is causing you to feel this way, hun?
Are you judgmental of yourself for struggling in this area of your life?
(Nobody's good at everything!! Hey, most people are only *really* good at one or two things - and those are the people that have had the chance to discover what those are.
Also, I've heard that for many people, this can be kind of a 'wiring' thing, like how different people are different in terms of spatial understanding, visual processing, colourblindness, tone deafness, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, auditory or spatial processing disorders, specific learning disorders, those kind of things. Seemingly 'small' differences in neurology in ordinary people can have HUGE impacts on certain tasks of life. I don't know what the name of that particular type of learning disorder or neurology would be though or where one goes to find out about it. I don't know much about it, but I often meet women who are very intelligent and hardworking and conscientious and successful, but have always struggled with that sort of stuff. There might be something interesting here:
Clutter, physical and mental - or, organizing for the differently organized - Personal Knowledge Management for Academia Librarians
or if you google some of the terms mentioned, or learning disorders, or 'specific developmental disorders', or Adult ADHD.
I feel like I have something or other of this stuff going on, but I can't decide how much it was always like that, or if it was acquired. I noticed it far more after anxiety / depression hit me during/after a loss / life transition/ crisis time, and then especially so after I then went on to chronic fatigue syndrome. When they EVER work out what's going on with CFS / CFIDS / ME / fibromyalgia, I bet they'll decide it's a type of brain / nervous system damage and it can make certain wiring things not work anymore, or not work as well.
On the other hand, it may just be to do with having a certain level of depression / anxiety. These things also cause the brain to not operate properly or at peak. (Ahh, I remember peak.
)Is it something that (if finances allow) could benefit from a professional organiser? (If I had the spare cash I'd have one in a heartbeat. No idea what they cost though, and I don't know if they exist where I am.) Sometimes the correct type of brain working on something, can just kill it in a shorter time period than expected.
Alternatively, are you having a time of some really tough thoughts and feelings generally, and it might benefit from continuing some work with a therapist, and/or chat to your preferred mental health professional about the possibility of medication, or whatever their preferred approach would be at this time? It sounds like you could probably benefit from some of validation and support and chatting about this issue, and also maybe about what your key values are.... and maybe some talk about what 'schemas' might be operating with this issue.
Hugs Mudpuppy! My therapist said something to me and it has helped a lot remembering to do it. She said, "Through the day, validate yourself. Say things like: I will get there. I will be OK. I will eventually figure this out. "
And chat to us some more about some other topics if you would like to. (But don't worry if you don't wanna.
)xox
I have had issues with overstocking, overshopping, that make it harder to organize things.
I have especially kept too much clothes and shoes in the house. But I am not a hoarder, at least not any more.
I periodically give away things that are not of value to me in order to de-clatter.
I advertise on a kijiji or craigslist items that are still good and give them to whoever needs them for free. This way I feel good about de-cluttering the house. Last time I donated to a single student mom and felt good about "cleaning" and de-cluttering by making someone else happy.
It is also a good way to finally realize we don't need all these things, I don't have to spend all my free time shopping, as I end up not using the stuff and donating it new.
Going on vacation was really good. I always go with 2 large suitcases. This time, I took one small suitcase on the plane and encouraged the kids to take less stuff as well. To my surprise, we turned out just fine.
We rented a house, which was clean and nice, but stocked up only with what was necessary for our stay.
It was an Eye-opener. It was so much easier to maintain it. Now, I know, I don't need a house overfilled with everything. It is easier to clean and organize this way.
Using the same logic, I don't need a life full of everything.
I just need to have the most important things in order to live peacefully.
I hope my post was on topic
I have especially kept too much clothes and shoes in the house. But I am not a hoarder, at least not any more.
I periodically give away things that are not of value to me in order to de-clatter.
I advertise on a kijiji or craigslist items that are still good and give them to whoever needs them for free. This way I feel good about de-cluttering the house. Last time I donated to a single student mom and felt good about "cleaning" and de-cluttering by making someone else happy.
It is also a good way to finally realize we don't need all these things, I don't have to spend all my free time shopping, as I end up not using the stuff and donating it new.
Going on vacation was really good. I always go with 2 large suitcases. This time, I took one small suitcase on the plane and encouraged the kids to take less stuff as well. To my surprise, we turned out just fine.
We rented a house, which was clean and nice, but stocked up only with what was necessary for our stay.
It was an Eye-opener. It was so much easier to maintain it. Now, I know, I don't need a house overfilled with everything. It is easier to clean and organize this way.
Using the same logic, I don't need a life full of everything.
I just need to have the most important things in order to live peacefully.
I hope my post was on topic
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