So much happening

[MHealthJo]

I am so sorry hun.

Do you guys have anything to fall back on or back up your day to day needs, accomodation options etc, while you are going through this hard time, if things take a while - even if that means just family support, or some sort of government support?

 

[mudpuppy]

Fortunately EI is covering the financial end for a few months, so that's not a pressing worry for now.

As for social types of support, we've been trying to build a friend network, but if he has to move, that's going to have an effect on things. I've experienced what happens to a single in a couples-based group; the invitations dry up pretty quickly. Very much the same way I was gradually excluded from my singles-based group when I started dating him. They were suddenly "too busy" to get together with me, even for coffee or lunch during the workday. It's very isolating.

I own my house, so he'll be finding an apartment near where he works and I'll be staying here, because selling isn't an option at the moment. Back to a long distance relationship, which we thought we'd managed to put behind us 2 years ago. At least it's only 3 hours this time, and not 6. Unless he doesn't get this job, then the next one is 9 hours away.

I have my parents here, which is a good thing, but he'll lose that support if he has to move. He's not close to his family, in any definition of the word "close".

I know it's not all bad, and it's only for a year or two, but it feels so arbitrary and unpredictable and overwhelming right now, and I'm feeling totally inadequate to facing any more of it. Maybe this will give some stability to things for awhile? I hope so.

 

[MHealthJo]

It is truly frustrating, the difficulty so many are having in getting circumstances stable and reasonably comfortable/doable these days. It truly feels like 21st century life us just not what we grew up with or what we saw on TV. Just a different world. (There's some Japanese concepts called Freeters and NEETs vs Salarymen, which are an interesting look at how the 2nd half of the 20th century influenced Japanese life, and then how the nineties and beyond have seen a new movement. I feel the same thing exists in the West, but maybe not to such an either/or or "black or white" degree. Neither idea seems particularly "ideal" to me, and I don't know what the answer is... except for maybe our lives and societies and whole world not being based on globalised capitalism. You may also be interested in the Occupy or We Are the 99% movements.)

Sometimes I think that it will take us the whole 21st century to figure out how to deal with the 21st century. That is if it is possible to figure out what the heck is going on in the 21st century, and if there is going to be any stability or predictability at all from year to year in any way, shape, or form in the 21st century. :/

Sometimes I think the 21st century is mainly going to be about deep breathing and yoga, anxiety/unpredictability management, total resignation of the psychological/spiritual concept of 'ego' (because that depends a fair bit on stability, predictability, and enduring constructs around ourselves), and getting very grateful for very very basic day to day needs. (Blech that's no fun?!?!) Sometimes I think the Western world, even its buildings, infrastructure, systems, ways of life, habits, expectations, standards of living... everything... is based on the 20th century, and the world has simply changed too much. Everything is different and it's like we need... like a total "do-over".

WOW THANKS 21ST CENTURY THAT'S GOING TO BE REALLY EASY AND SIMPLE TO ADJUST TO FOR BABY BOOMERS, GEN X's AND GEN Ys RAISED ON 1950s -1980s WESTERN AFFLUENCE.

NOT.

Your attitude as usual Mudpuppy is amazing. Keep us posted on how you are managing.

 

[mudpuppy]

Thanks for your reply, MHJo. I hear you loud 'n' clear on how different things are. I'm really hoping it will become different in a good way once the baby-boomers start retiring in droves and leaving behind a bunch of open jobs. *fingers crossed*

Sorry for the delay in replying. Things have been pretty hectic for the last couple of months. At the beginning of May we went to another province to move my partner's elderly aunt into an assisted living complex after a gruellling 2-year wait. It's a wonderful place, with great people, and she got an amazing apartment in it. Sadly, the day before we got back home (we were still on the road) we got a call that she'd passed away unexpectedly. She'd only been in the place 5 days. Talk about shock. We had things to do at home (medical test and yet another difficult (and unsuccessful) job interview for my partner), then we had to turn around and go all the way back to deal with her estate as best we could in only 3 days (we were clearing out her stuff on her birthday). She loved the place, and I'm glad she got the little time there that she did, but it feels very much like she was cheated, after such a long and unpleasant wait to get in. She and my partner were fairly close, so this has been hard on him.

We got back, got all the stuff we didn't have time to deal with put into storage, and then found out, in rapid succession, that my partner's brother has been diagnosed with a potentially serious health issue, and his own medical test (from the week between inter-provincial trips) shows that he has something that will need long-term treatment, too. Needless to say, he's reeling.

I had an appointment with a counsellor (the same guy that fell through in January) last week, and my partner's going to see him this week. He seems like he's got a lot to offer, but we may not be able to see him very much due to financial considerations.

I'm feeling so helpless. I need to get things around my house fixed, two of the tires on my van didn't survive the winter, and everything else that is necessary or could be useful requires money that we simply don't have. No matter how hard my partner tries to find work, he always seems to come second, even losing out to people who don't meet the posted minimum requirements (multiple times), which makes it even more of a slap.

Whereas the messages I'm getting are, "you're wonderful, amazing, and we couldn't have done it without you; here's your pink slip", he's getting ones that say, "you're incredible, anyone who hires you gets an outstanding employee, but we've decided to go with the person who did a few hours volunteer work last year to run the department instead. Good luck, and thanks for applying" (yes, he actually did lose out on a managerial position to someone who'd only done a few hours of volunteer work because "she knows the department already"). He's even had people we considered to be friends tell him about jobs in their departments opening up; in one case he interviewed with the friend a week or so before we left, yet hasn't heard anything back for nearly two months; in the other case, the friend who told him about the job was doing the hiring, but my partner didn't even get an interview. Nor has he heard anything back from that "friend" about the competition. WTF? Why would you go out of your way to tell someone about an upcoming opening, encourage them to apply (because you have such a hard time finding good people), then treat them that way? He's thought about asking them, but he's so hurt and angry that he might say something regrettable, and even the best-case scenario is that he'll hear either obvious BS, or that he lost out yet again to someone less qualified.

So now we're both in limbo. After him sending out over 100 unsuccessful applications in the last two years, and my being let go from all of the jobs I've had since graduation, it's pretty clear that the profession we both worked so hard to enter (and paid so much to qualify for) has no interest in either of us, in spite of constantly telling both of us how valuable we are.

I feel numb. I don't know what to do. I can't help the person I care the most about. I can't help myself. I don't want to do any of this anymore, but I don't know what else to do. Whatever I try just seems to make things worse, if it has any visible effect at all.

Again, thank you for listening. It would be so much harder without you being here to talk to.

 

[MHealthJo]

Gosh.... I'm so sorry Mudpuppy... just... wow.

Hugs...

I'm glad you'll both have some chance to talk over all of this with a counsellor, even if it's limited by finances. A heck of a lot has gone on for both of you.

I think there's useful deconstructing, thinking, maybe career-grieving, that you'll both be able to do with knowledgeable support. Maybe too, a decent proportion of people seeing counsellors at this time could be going through some similar stuff. Hopefully some of your experiences will be familiar territory for the counsellor, which could be reassuring, and you could end up benefiting from the work he/she has done helping others with somewhat similar experiences.

Sometimes after enough of a reeling and grief process, more strength comes again, to continue trying to make sense of new and unfamiliar realities.

It's OK not to feel strong... it can be OK to let sad or fearful feelings flow through you... have good cries... etc.

Thinking of you...

Keep doing whatever things might be soothing and self-caring for you... that can include some long sleeps and/or good cries if you feel like it. xx

 

[mudpuppy]

I think you're spot on that grieving, for many different things, is certainly a part of it all. I hadn't thought that the counsellor might be seeing a lot of people dealing with the same kind of things right now. That's a very good point.

Thank you for saying it's OK. I needed to hear that. I've been trying to sleep, sometimes with success. Sometimes there are horrible dreams, or racing thoughts that pounce out of the darkness. I suspect the dogs are happy to see me leave for a few hours so they can finally get some uninterrupted sleep!

I read the book Wishcraft awhile ago, and there's a suggestion in there that I think I might try. She suggests creating a virtual cheering section (either real people, historical figures, totally imaginary, or a combination) and putting their pictures on the wall. When things get tough, ask what they'd have to say about the situation; how would it look through their eyes. It seems like a good way to create a different perspective on things.

I've realized that I'm setting a lot of arbitrary deadlines for myself (as are others), then getting really down on myself when I don't meet them. "Yes, you did a dozen things today, but what happened to the other 97? You lazy slacker!" Heh, I'm probably beating myself up for doing that, too. :facepalm:

I've also noticed that I have a number of highly critical people in my social media contacts (i.e. I posted about having to clear a squatter's stash out from behind my fence, and got a lecture on the plight of the homeless (I guess doubly so 'cause I cleared out the stash?); I posted about how lovely the green tunnel of trees is in the neighbourhood, and got a rant about the city pruning crews) , so I'll be doing a weeding of that in the near future.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening, answering, and helping me to see things more clearly. :thanks:

 

[mudpuppy]

... and now my partner seems to have embarked on this quest to "save" me. Not sure from what. Myself? The world? I dunno, but it seems to involve pointing out the things that don't meet his expectations and suggesting ways I could improve them. Really? I don't need saving! I need a PARTNER! I need someone to be in the trenches with me, not yet another person standing on the sidelines telling me what doesn't meet with their approval. I need a cheerleader, not a drill sergeant.

All of a sudden in the last week or two it feels like we're not on the same side anymore. I thought the counsellor would help, and that stepping back for a bit to evaluate what's been happening was a good thing. The last thing I expected was yet another relationship that would require me to be someone different for it to work. I've had enough of those already. This wasn't how I was planning on spending our third anniversary (tomorrow).

I've tried talking to him, but he just shuts down and pulls even further away. So now I sit and wait and hope that this, too, isn't vanishing before my eyes.

I don't need this. I don't know if I can handle this. He is (was?) my support. He kept me going. He had my back.

 

[MHealthJo]

Gosh, I'm sorry that there seems to be a difficult dynamic going on.

Do you guys see the counsellor together, or separately? Do you both feel comfortable and trusting of him/her?

I wonder if it would be useful to together talk about that dynamic and how you feel about it with the counsellor?

Boundaries and where they lie in which situation is one of the trickiest things in life, I say. When one member of a relationship (or both) is going through particularly hard times, boundaries very often blur and the comfortable/familiar lines around our interactions tend to get more fuzzy. Hope you two can keep talking about it. (Remember too that it can just be a symptom of change and figuring stuff out.... a phase of something to be worked out, but not necessarily a danger or doom sign. Gosh it can be hard not to think negatively though after/during dealing with a big bunch of negatives and very hard times. Hang in there Mudpuppy...)

 

[mudpuppy]

We've each seen the counselor once individually, but not together. At this point I'm not sure of how much of an issue it really is (transient or not), and I'm afraid of making it into something bigger than it needs to be. I mentioned that I'm feeling really overwhelmed lately and feeling unequal to even the basics; that seems to have moderated the push to add more tasks to the "should do" list.

[time passes]

We've had a couple of good talks about the difference between "helping" and "fixing" (one just a few mins ago, in fact), and that's helped, too. He's in the process of arranging for a new apartment (the one he's in has been turning into a vertical slum under the new management) and the anxiety over that is actually helping him to understand a bit better how I'm feeling about all the stuff I'm handling. The new place is quite a bit further away in the city, but I think it'll be a much healthier place for him, on many levels. I think we can find a happy middle ground where he feels like he's helping me without it leading to me freaking out. :like:

It's been hot here for the past couple of weeks, so I haven't been getting as much done as I might have liked, and that (as well as the discomfort and lack of sleep from the heat) has been wreaking havoc with my anxiety. The forecast is for cooler weather for a few days after today, and boy do I hope that's right! I desperately need a break from my own brain and body for awhile, and that's so much easier to do when I don't feel like I'm melting. And can sleep more than 4 hours a night.

 

[mudpuppy]

Some good news (yay!) this week. I've acquired two new clients for my business, and my partner has two job interviews later this week. Both of the positions are out of town (45 minutes and an hour, respectively), but not so far out that day trips aren't possible. They're also both in the profession that we trained for, so may have potential for future advancement.

And mixed news, my Dad's in the hospital with pneumonia, but they caught it earlier than usual this time, so he's responded really well and may be back home faster than usual as a result. Apparently he's having fun kibitzing with the staff.

 

[forgetmenot]

That is good news i do hope your partner interviews go well and he lands a position with one of them

 

[MHealthJo]

Good to hear you're hanging in there,and good for you guys on those positive things!

(We all do a lot of 'hanging in there' around here, haha... )

 

[mudpuppy]

Well, he didn't get either job. The one that looked so promising hasn't even had the class to tell him he didn't get it.

On a happier note, he's moved into a new apartment that's so much better. Even on the first day, surrounded by boxes, it felt more home-like than the other one had, even after 2 years. This is such a huge step. He also has a lead on a job in another field entirely that I think he'll do well in. I'm hoping a corner has been turned to a better situation.

I'm getting repairs done on my house tomorrow, so my anxiety is currently on "high". Y'know, the whole "strangers around my house" thing, but I know it's going to look great when it's done, and it really does NEED to be done, so I'm focusing on that.... well, trying to, at least. One day at a time. One hour or one minute if necessary.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi mudpuppy lets hope he gets this new job and that like you said a corner has been turned for both of you. He is living in a better place now and when your home has it repairs done you will be able to enjoy it more as well. Yes taking one day at a time is a good way to handle things been doing that for a while now myself I do hope you have more peaceful days enjoyable days ahead for you

 

[mudpuppy]

Hi all,

Quick update.

On Friday the guy that had caused me so much trouble in my last job (the one they kept when they laid me off) passed away suddenly, leaving a huge void in the company. I won't go back full time, but might consider doing work on a contract basis if asked. This has stirred up all kinds of emotions linked back to the last few months I was there. It's amazing how thoughts and feelings can come rushing back, as if out of nowhere, when something happens like this. To hear the comments flying around in emails and on social media, I'm expecting him to be granted sainthood at any moment. I'm sorry for his family; he was close to his stepkids and their kids, but I can't quite bring myself to join in the wailing and gnashing of teeth, I'm afraid. The next couple of weeks could be very interesting.

In happier news:

It looks like my partner's new job is going to become something permanent, even if full or part time hasn't been settled yet, which is wonderful. He's also started taking training in that field, which he's enjoying, and which will help him with work, too. The new apartment is still wonderful.

My business is still growing through word of mouth recommendations. It's so humbling to have people recommending me to others like that. Oh, and I got my second client renewal for another year, which means I won't have to worry about income for nearly the rest of the year. *whew* I guess I'm doing something right, eh?

Also, the work on the house has been done and looks great. There were a few minor issues, but nothing horrible. Also *whew*. I can relax a bit now.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks for the update on how you are doing mudpuppy You are doing well at your business i think i would not rush back into a place that caused you so much stress but only you have to decide if it is worth it or not. Good your partner has a job now and you have a lovely place to live and you have time to relax hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

I am so happy to hear positive developments for you Mudpuppy! Oh my gosh, I kept on thinking..... "WHEN is a little break going to come for this gal!!" So nice for some recognition and developments to be coming through from various avenues for both of you. And great decision to not go back full time to such a dysfunctional place, but to have it available as just a part-income-source on your terms for your best interests.

Great to hear it, and keep on keeping on.

Yeah, and hope you can manage the North Korea Style mourning procession for the other guy. Sometimes you don't always know certain things too... I guess it's always possible that his family might have had a little bit of that dynamic going on behind the scenes, too, who knows. The point is, your purely business relationship and various factors mean you can take what he's left behind and focus on that part.

Glad things will be a little easier for a while, good for you Mudpuppy.

 

[mudpuppy]

It certainly is a relief to have things going forward for a change. The ride is still bumpy and scary, but now it's heading in a much better direction. Such a huge relief!

My next project is to try to get my house under control. After a bad relationship, a bout of depression (where the meds were worse than the problem), and 6 years of getting a Masters degree while working full time, the place has piled up shamefully. The problem is that it's not just piles of stuff, it's also piles of memories and reminders of things past, not always pleasant. Much like tiptoeing through a mine field, in fact.

It takes so much to get started, knowing what I might stumble across. I'm ashamed of the state it's in, and so overwhelmed by it all. It's improved over the past year since the layoff (I can't believe it's been a whole year already!) but it's been such slow going.

I know you can't come and help [emoji6] but it helps to talk. Wrapping words around the bogeymen lurking in the piles makes them less scary and easier to face.

Thank you for listening.

 

[mudpuppy]

Today's a bad day. I slept poorly and had horrible dreams, and everything is so overwhelming. Decluttering the house, finding enough work to cover the bills, getting all the annual stuff taken care of (doctor, car, dogs, etc.) with not enough income providing emotional support to my parter who's in a similar situation. Friends who only seem to be available when they want something, or not even then. Even small things aren't going right: no power cable with my new computer monitor, magpies tore open the garbage and spread it across the yard.... I'm feeling like I've totally messed up my life. How did it ever get here, and how can I ever get it headed in the right direction again?

 

[MHealthJo]

Our minds do dwell that way on a bad day or when times have been really tough, and it's strange how sometimes 'small' things can just be 'too much' and make us feel beaten down. It really is a challenge to find something positive to dwell on sometimes, or to think of what we're struggling for. The "Light at the end of the tunnel" to keep fighting for, can seem elusive or nonexistent....

Sometimes at those times all we can do is try to focus on what we have survived, what we have gotten through, that we are still here and we are still fighting on. And when a more major light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see, sometimes it can be helpful to hunt carefully for the little "lights" we can find right now .... even if it means taking a walk near nature or the natural ground and noticing tiny things that are calming and joyful.... or little joys that are always there in life.... movies, stories, biographies or documentaries (maybe a different style of all those things that we wouldn't normally choose), art, music, games, diversions, exercise or sport (which I've recently read, if fairly regular, actually destroys unhappiness / stress chemicals in our body and prevents them from reaching our brain as much! Incredible.), connecting with someone new or a low-cost group on Meetup.com or on a community noticeboard to explore a new interest.... Different for everyone... or something very new to us can do wonders. Sometimes looking for some new novelty can inject something fresh into us and keep us going.... It can inject freshness into our relationships and our thought process and energy levels too. I have to drag myself to do that type of thing sometimes, but then I realise it's the foundation and lifeblood of life, really.

I also use a great little CBT program for Android called Cognitive Diary by ExcelAtLife. Trying to make an entry every day or few days helps me keep finding positives and patting myself on the back, seeing possibilities and options, seeing all the good we have in us or what we've accomplished or that we've fought hard; small everyday things and large things.... when those mean-to-ourselves, negative, or perfectionistic thoughts creep in. Be careful of that Mudpuppy, cos you can be quite hard on yourself sometimes and forget about your awesomeness, or maybe sometimes do you feel quite negative towards yourself when you express other valid sides of humanity such as vulnerability, needing to recuperate and be human and unproductive for a bit, getting overwhelmed or stuck sometimes etc...? I don't know if it is available for iPhones too... but the designer's Excel At Life website has lots of good stuff that can be accessed there. David Burns' classic book "Feeling Good" is also amazing for helping keep our thoughts as positive as they can be and squeezing the positives out of life, and letting ourselves be human, and remembering we're still awesome and humanness is allowed. Dr Russ Harris' books are excellent too.

Keep on truckin' mate, you've done so well, and you're still alive and kickin'. (And evil-eye that magpie if you see him again....)

Meanwhile, I've just discovered I have to mop out the dirty overflowed washing machine water that overflowed by my own oversight, from a load of washing that I'm actually washing because a few days ago dirty washing machine water overflowed on it by my own oversight.

*insert varous sounds of rage*