Something I've Noticed in My Own Experience

[stargazer]

This is only my own experience, but I'll post it for whatever it's worth.

Since having acquired a bipolar diagnosis and having attempted to establish a support group among real-life friends or acquaintances, I have been continually frustrated with how absolutely nobody in my life will go so far as even to read the symptoms of bipolar disorder or of a manic episode and try to perceive how they might apply to me, and how their understanding of my condition might help me. This includes brother, sister, daughter, stepdaughter, and all my friends. Every time I bring it up, a wall goes up immediately. I feel as though I have tread upon the verboten. I feel immediately uncomfortable, and ultimately I cease to even try to communicate with them along these lines.

Whenever I have had a diagnosed manic episode, it is almost invariably regarded, in all its components, as a moral failing on my part. Whenever I have been in the hospital, and the clinicians have asked me about family support for my condition, I have had to to respond that my family could care less. In fact, as soon as my symptoms begin to show, no sooner does everyone in my life withdraw from me completely.

I realize this might sound like a bitter complaint, but I am really only trying to make an observation. I also want to see if anyone else can relate to this. My family probably does actually care, but they have a funny way of showing it. My daughter insists that my stepdaughter loves me, yet my stepdaughter hasn't spoken me or returned an email or a phone call in over a year. I suspect that the reasoning among my family and friends is that this is something I am going to have to take care of myself, and that is beyond the scope of their understanding. I can see that perspective to an extent, but what I don't see is why no one makes an attempt to understand. Even if they're not going to be able to understand *completely,* they could at least give it a try. None of us understands these conditions completely, after all.

The end result of this kind of removal of support is that whatever difficulties I am undergoing as a result of exacerbations of my condition are then compounded by loneliness and a deep sense of rejection. Every time I have been in the hospital, I have been the only patient there who received no visitors.

I also would like to add that it actually bothers me even more to have to deal with the constant questions: "Is your family helping you find a place to live? Is your family supportive of your recovery?" - and so forth; than the actual dismissal of my family from my tangible support group. I honestly think I have a harder time answering questions - "Why doesn't your brother buy you a car?" (that's a good one!), than I do with the actual experience of isolation.

I don't know if this says more about me than it does about my family and my choice and friends, but I really hope that the situation will change. It's difficult enough having to deal with an ongoing mental health condition, without also having to feel rejected or even morally judged on account of it.

 

[Jazzey]

I relate to a lot of what you said here SG. When my family sees me struggling with my issues, everybody runs. And they don't want to hear about any of it.

But I often hear from them shortly thereafter when they need my support. As long as I don't discuss my issues because I should be over them by now....

 

[Halo]

Wow, I can definitely relate to both of you. I have come to learn that the only emotions that are "okay" to express in my house is happiness or anger. Those are acceptable however tears are not and it has been told to me. When I was going through my medical issues the past 6 months my mother actually told me to call my therapist because she couldn't deal with my crying and was getting frustrated with me and my tears.

So, I completely understand the lack of family support. Although I know that they love me a lot, they don't understand PTSD, Depression or Anxiety and really have no willing to learn.

I don't like it however I have accepted it and therefore keep my feelings locked up and let out when they are not around.

 

[ladylore]

I have experienced the opposite in my family. They are definitely there for me but I exprienced it as smothering. Therefore, I tell them I am ok, when I am not because I really don't like that feeling.

 

[Halo]

I can kinda understand and relate to the smothering as well because when on those rare occasions I have actually tried to tell my mom or dad how I was doing or what I was thinking (dark thoughts), they go into panic, protection mode not letting me out of their sight.

So yes I can understand the saying your okay when truly you are not. I put on the mask for even my parents. The only one that sees me without the mask (besides myself) is my therapist.

 

[stargazer]

Well, I definitely do *not* get the smothering! Not sure whether to be jealous or grateful ;o)

I did feel like I was "whining" a bit, so I want to clarify my observation if I can. I think it's the stigma against mental health disorder that causes my family members not to know how to respond. So their lack of response is based on their own uncertainty and confusion.

I wonder if it would help if I were more pro-active with them, at a time when I'm perceived to be fairly stable and focused (that is, *not* while in the midst of an episode.) Maybe there's a gentle of way of expressing that there's always a likelihood I'll have another episode; and if so, one thing I really miss is getting a phone call from them when I'm at the hospital. I could emphasize that I love them and would like to hear from them, because it's hard to while away the time in those environments.

I do still admit to being conflicted, however, because when I overhear the content of some of the other patient's conversations with their family members, I find myself feeling sorry for them, and at the same time feeling relieved that *I'm* not the one having to undergo such conversational torture.

 

[Halo]

I wonder if it would help if I were more pro-active with them, at a time when I'm perceived to be fairly stable and focused (that is, *not* while in the midst of an episode.) Maybe there's a gentle of way of expressing that there's always a likelihood I'll have another episode; and if so, one thing I really miss is getting a phone call from them when I'm at the hospital. I could emphasize that I love them and would like to hear from them, because it's hard to while away the time in those environments.

I can understand that you are conflicted on this but in my opinion if family support is really what you want then having that conversation with them while you are not in the middle of an episode definitely sounds like a good idea. As always, it is your choice but a difficult one I am sure.

 

[Jazzey]

I wonder if it would help if I were more pro-active with them, at a time when I'm perceived to be fairly stable and focused (that is, *not* while in the midst of an episode.) Maybe there's a gentle of way of expressing that there's always a likelihood I'll have another episode; and if so, one thing I really miss is getting a phone call from them when I'm at the hospital. I could emphasize that I love them and would like to hear from them, because it's hard to while away the time in those environments.

I really like this strategy SG. The only thing is that it will depend on the nature of your family members. For mine, I've tried this without great success. But not all families are alike.

But I too have said that I love them and need their support during difficult times. This results in they're giving me what they have to offer. It may not fit directly with what I was hoping for, but I take it and I'm grateful because I know that this is what they can offer. It's what's in the realm of their comprehension of mental illness and trauma...

 

[stargazer]

Just now, I am piecing through memories of family conversations - both those that have taken place within my own family, and those of other families whose conversations I have witnessed.

It seems that, with the exception of my highly extraverted daughter, every other member of my family is extremely introverted. So in general, it will take us longer than the average family to arrange a family get-together, or even a coffee-meet between two members of the family; say, me and my brother, for example.

The up-side of this is that once we do actually meet, our treatment of each other is invariably very gentle and positive. It seems to exemplify the saying: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

This helps me to put things into perspective in at least two ways:

(1) Once my family does decide to visit me when I'm in the hospital, or call, or show interest in my condition; that engagement is likely to be very positive.

(2) The disturbing conversations I have sometimes witnessed within families who might be "smothering" the afflicted are probably delivered so much more easily than gatherings within my own family, it doesn't really say much regarding family "support" for the afflicted in that circumstance. So, I needn't feel as lonely or outcast as I do.

Both of these views suggest to me that I really ought to take pro-active steps to remedy the situation, at a time and place when these steps are most likely to be well-received.

 

[Atlantean]

I have experienced the opposite in my family. They are definitely there for me but I exprienced it as smothering. Therefore, I tell them I am ok, when I am not because I really don't like that feeling.

I am fortunate enough to have support in my case too regarding my mother and two other people in my life, but I am continually frustrated when things they see as options that are absolutely useless to me, they continually bring up time and time again.

You have my sympathies, Star Gazer. I realize after reading your post how fortunate I am to have the support I do, even if it is a tad misguided at times.

I am also diagnosed as bipolar, though I spend most my existence in a hypomanic state and dont frequently get the associated depressive episodes and I have learned to use my illness to my advantage by keeping busy and learning to focus all that insane energy like a laser into productive means as opposed to nonconstructive behavior or just letting it scatter all over the place, perhaps you could look into things to focus your energies into that would be productive, such as starting a home-based business or some other venture? Just a thought. It works for me.

Best of luck.

 

[stargazer]

I am also diagnosed as bipolar, though I spend most my existence in a hypomanic state...

As do I.

...and dont frequently get the associated depressive episodes...

Nor do I.

...and I have learned to use my illness to my advantage by keeping busy and learning to focus all that insane energy like a laser into productive means...

As have I.

...perhaps you could look into things to focus your energies into that would be productive, such as starting a home-based business or some other venture?

As of last June, I have owned and operated my own online business, doing music transcription. I did look at your blog - maybe you can help me with SEO. I recently made a huge error in that department, which is why I removed the signature with my business web site from my PsychLinks postings.

* footnote to the above: I think I need to achieve a better balance. Although I don't often "crash" into depression (admittedly it happens sometimes, but relatively infrequently); I do often experience a work-related or productivity-related sense of "overload" which then leads me to want to escape in various unhealthy ways. The mania sometimes kicks in at those times, in that I begin to make erratic or dangerous decisions based on a lack of sound judgment.

Back to the theme of stigma as it relates to family, it seems that you and I have some similar tendencies and symptoms, which makes me wonder why you've been able to elicit family support and I haven't. But then again, all families are different in their responses. My own family seems to separate my work-related and music-related successes from the conditions of my disorder, whereas in my mind I tend to relate the two.

I think that, to the extent I can show that I am "taking care of myself," and not "giving way" to the force of these episodes, it might help my family to be more supportive. Specifically, no one in my family is impressed if I have stayed up all night two nights in a row, whether I were to have composed an entire symphony during that period of time or not.

If I can use my being ambitious, creative, industrious, etc. as all the more reason to guard myself and take care of myself; it will probably go a lot farther than if I use those tendencies as an excuse for erratic or eccentric behaviours.

...Best of luck.

Thanks.