Sorry

[Ashley-Kate]

sorry for being the pesty little girl that will just not let it go always has something wrong! i always hated that kind of person and promised myself i would never be that way i would be the girl that was strong that would not complain that would not seem week and here i am complaining on how my life is nothing and how i wish i was not here on this planet living i am sorry for the worry that i may have cause many of you that was not my intention and ultimately i don't know what my intention ever was yes i search for comprehension but at the same time i accuse everyone of not understanding me enough or at all i try to make clear my desire to end this pathetic excuse for a life but then i try to cover it up by telling everyone hat i am not really suicidal i just think of it !!1 but well the truth is it is not just thinking of it sometimes or idealizing it its so much more but well i won't bore you with that .. i just want to say sorry i guess for just being such a slob not being able to grow up not being able to take care of myself i am a 20 year old trapped in the will to stay an infant and yet in the mentality of a 50 year old having lived too much already for my age! i am just tiered tiered of being a burden for everyone! sorry again !
ashley

 

[HA]

Re: sorry

Ashley, what you are going through is very difficult. It would be hard for anyone to have to deal with these experiences and feelings. But, you can get through this.

Do you have a therapist that you can talk to on a regular basis?

:grouphug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: sorry

i see my therapist on Monday i haven't seen her since the week before x-mas and even that didn't really help cause all she thinks is that i don't want to get better that i am not trying that if i really wanted to i would have put some effort into it and i am i am really trying but i am so scared to change so scared to actually be ashley cause if i chose to abandon my title as eating disorder than i am categorized abuse victim and i don't want that i don't want that part of me to exist i want everyone to forget i ever spoke about it! i want to take it all back cause it was easier when no one knew cause know that they know everything i feel or do has to do with my past !!! and i can't take it anymore i just want all the stuff to stop i want to stop thinking to stop feeling to stop everything cause i can't take this anymore!!!!
sorry for that it sort of sounds a bit dramatic but i just don't know anymore i feel so misunderstood by the psychologist and i just don't want this to result into a 6th hospitalization i know most people are thinking you are in no shape to be out of a hospital but i just can't go back in i am in an environment that i am with a bunch of people that have severe mental illnesses and i can't take it i feel so out of place i don't want to go back!!!

 

[Mari]

Re: sorry

Dear Ashley-Kate,

not being able to grow up not being able to take care of myself

I recently read an article that talked about studies that show that the human brain does not complete growth until about twenty-four years of age. I think that society puts far too many expectations on people and allows very little time to relax and let others help take care of us. Keep on trying. :heart: Mari

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: sorry

i am just so tired!!

 

[poohbear]

Re: sorry

"...than i am categorized abuse victim ..."
Why not consider yourself a "survivor"?

"...and i don't want that i don't want that part of me to exist"
Nobody does, sweetie, but we're here already, so we try to cope, the best way we know how.

"...i want everyone to forget i ever spoke about it! i want to take it all back cause it was easier when no one knew cause know that they know everything i feel or do has to do with my past !!!"
I do too. I don't want to talk about it much, either. But I took that empowering step and I told my story. To the police. It was the most victorious moment of my life to see them lock up a 60 year old man on my word.

And one more thing. Now that I have told my story. (Over and over again) And now that I KNOW they believed me...I know that there is hope. There are people out there that WILL realize that this was an important, life changing, traumatic event in your life, that deserves the most professional, capable and beneficial care available. And when I am ready, when I am able, I want to be the one that gives it. When you're ready, you will too.

Don't let it define you, let it REFINE you!