The best arrangement for children.

[delta sierra]

What is the best arrangement for children when going through a separation? We have two children, ages 3 & 4 1/2, and both want to do the best for them. We both feel the separation will likely be temporary, but how do we create the least disruption for them? Would it be wise to take turns in the house, while the other is elsewhere? Should it be 1 week each, or a few days with me, and then a few with my wife?

Just looking for info here. My thought was that to take turns in the house, so the kids don't have to go somewhere different (since we both feel it will be temporary), would be the easiest. We both have other places we could go in the meantime. Also, we share one car, then, the one that has the kids/house, would have the car making that easy as well.

Just looking for ideas.

 

[ThatLady]

Makes sense to me, Delta, if you two can work it out. This way, the kids won't be uprooted again and again. As long as you and your wife can refrain from arguing/fighting around the children, I think this would be easiest on the kids. )

 

[delta sierra]

So if that can be worked out, what is the best time frame? 1 week each? 3 days each? 4 days each? I'd like to keep the weekends together and take turns on them, as well as holidays, just to make that easier too.

 

[ThatLady]

A week would seem the most logical of those choices. The more changes, the more difficult it will be for the children to adjust, I'd think.

 

[delta sierra]

That way it's easy for the kids regarding weekends and stuff too I think. That's what I was thinking. Now the convincing. She wants it to be the best for the kids though, and understands that I'm as much an owner of the house as she is. We'll see what happens. Daycare is going to start costing me a lot more though. Everyday, all day for my week, while she has her parents living in the city who will likely help her out in her time of need (they're retired as well, but mine live an hour out of town, and work full time).

 

[ThatLady]

Yeah, I hear you Delta. Even when we find what seems to be the best solution, there's always going to be something that isn't perfect.

 

[delta sierra]

Okay, so I talked to her about that arrangement, and she is adamantly against it. I think she wants to make things as hard on me as possible though, while I'm trying to be as nice as possible. She wants us to continue our current schedule, while i then drive clear across the city later in the evening to my brothers place to sleep. This way the kids see each of us each day. That doesn't seem reasonable to me, but what's the best for the kids? I think her way would be much worse because of the probable resentment between us, but what's better for the kids?

 

[ThatLady]

Well, if you don't leave until the kids are in bed, and you and she can stay out of fights, she's certainly got a point. Her way would disrupt the children the least...if, and only IF, you two can stay out of each others' faces, and the atmosphere isn't so charged with tension and frustration that matches simultaneously ignite.

There is no "good way" to do this, delta. There just isn't. It's not a good thing. It's a sad thing. Because of that, there's never going to be any solution that's perfect.

 

[delta sierra]

I know, I hate that I have to deal with this right now. I want to do what's best for the kids, but certain things are completely unreasonable. She actually suggested that I keep the car, she stays at the house, and I come from my brothers house (a 30-45 minute drive) in the morning, pick the kids up, and take them to daycare (another 45-60 mins), and then pick them up after work, take them home, get them into bed and everything, and wait for her to come home (sometimes at 12 or later if she goes to the gym after work), and then go back to my brothers place. just seems completely unreasonable. I do have to do what's best for the kids, but I also need to get more than 3 hours sleep, while she gets the rest of the day off. But at the same time, because of the other thread about my situation, I'm trying to give in to her on as many things as I can...what do I do?

 

[ThatLady]

Nah. What she's suggesting just won't work. You can't get along on three hours sleep, and the resentment is bound to become a problem. What you two need to do is find a comprimise. Whatever arrangements you make must be fair to all concerned, or problems are inevitable.