The opposite of recovery (possible trigger)

[Ryann]

This could be a possible trigger... so just be careful if you are reading this
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So... as I struggle to try and overcome my anorexia... I become more bulemic.

I dont know what to do.

I try to eat... actually I am forced to. but the feeling of food in my stomach... makes me scream... and... well I have to get rid of it.

and i dont know how to over come that. I just dont know what to do. I dont like my therapist and she doesnt seem to understand why i cant overcome this... well i mean she doesnt say that but it seems like that. argh...

 

[Eunoia]

hey ryann. I don't know if you know this or if you've been through this before, but many people have both bulimic and anorexic symptoms, either simultaneously or they "switch" back and forth between the two... As you're trying to let go of one, the other one jumps in, which makes sense if you think about it: you're trying to let go of a coping mechanism that you're familiar w/ and that has worked for you in the past. this causes anxiety and you're left without anything to cope with- so the other extreme kicks in. think of it this way: if you were to try and take one specific type of alcohol away from an alcoholic s/he may very well move on to a different kind to make up for the loss of the usual one. It IS frustrating, if you can manage to stop restricting and try to eat it feels very overwheling to be eating all of a sudden, and if you're used to eating and then purging you may fall into restricting to control the b&p... in the 1st case your body is actually not used to food and thus may be contributing to feeling uncomfortable after you have eaten... this should get better w/ time but you could bring it up w/ your doctor. I don't have an answer for you, but I will try to use my own experiences and what helps in those moments... I hate that feeling of food in me too, it's weird how you can actually FEEL food and it's not the same as being stuffed. I guess in a way it's focusing too intensely on one aspect of your body and one thought (food) and associating feelings with it (ie. feeling in control).

what do you mean w/ you're being forced to eat? by your family/friends? doctor? also, you said you don't like your therapist- is there any way that you can switch therapists? how long have you been w/ her? does she have any expertise in ED's? the reason why I'm asking is b/c I went to see a counsellor once and he knew nothing about ED's besides the basics and it did me more harm than good, that's for sure... the person I am seeing now knows a lot about eating disorders which helps a lot, b/c you don't get those expectations of how "easy" it should be... have you brought up your frustration w/ what you're going through and how you think she doesn't understand? I think it's important you do this if you want to get any benefit out of therapy hun. You gotta start being honest somewhere, right? If she doesn't specifically say that it should be easy and that she doesn't understand why you can't overcome this then maybe part of it is a reflection of how frustrated you're feeling with a general lack of understanding of what you're going through... what I find for example is that even if I put words to something it never seems to encompass the actual way this feels or all the pain involved etc... thus I assume people don't understand. but they will understand even less if you dont' communicate your frustration w/ them and w/ where you're at right now... sometimes, just putting words to a feeling can actually help to make sense of what you're going through. and getting things off your chest by talking about them helps as well. maybe you're being too hard on yourself? for thinking that you "should" be okay by now or have things under control and you find yourself not being okay?

now, for the practical help.. having been there.. make sure you eat several times during the day, otherwise you're bound to b&p as soon as you eat anything after restricting b/c your body is so deprived of food that it will want to take whatever it can get, as quickly as possible. don't worry, I dont' mean big meals or "bad" foods, just eat small portions, healthy snacks... I find that healthy foods (ie. fruits, vegetables, nuts, brown rice etc... anything that isn't dripping w/ grease or full of sugar really) are less likely to cause a binge and/or purge. do you have any "safe" foods? eat those to get you through rough times (foods you know you're less likely to binge/purge on). If you eat small amounts and try to distract yourself with something really good (ie. actually leaving your house, sitting down w/ someone etc) when you feel like bingeing then you're hopefully less likely to engage in a binge... also, when you do eat, try to eat with people if you can so you're more likely to eat slower and won't be in a position to binge/purge. if you can control not bingeing then the theory is that you also won't purge- but I have found this not to be true. so if you're still having a hard time w/ food in you and want to purge, go through the same steps again.. eat small amounts, eat healthy foods, eat when you're hungry even if it's just a little bit.. and distract yourself after eating and then hopefully you won't feel like you have to purge as much. I know this is all easier said than done. My therapist told me to try & "sit with the feeling", to let it ride the wave so to say BUT you have to do something anxiety reducing/ distracting while you're doing this to help you cope w/ the anxiety of NOT purging and thoughts about wanting to purge. eventually you WILL reach a point where you don't want to purge anymore and/or too much time has passed....

I don't know if any of this helps... I really do. but if you have questions feel free to ask and hopefully someone else will have some other suggestions... hang in there hun, it's rough especially now that you're trying to fight this and things just seem to get worse, but it often gets worse before it gets better... it's almost like a way to test how much you're willing to fight to get better... in a very messed up way. one more thing, you had mentioned your sister and friends in your introductory post and how you're trying to get better for them... when you feel like this, overwhelmed and at a loss, rely on them for support- and try to do the same for your therapist and if you can't maybe try finding a new one if you think it really is her and not just a reflection of how difficult this is at the time being.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

my shrink once told me that as i work on one behavior others may increase i believe that is what is happening to you and you need to as you over come your anorexia seek therapie and learnt to tolerate food inside you once again it is going ot be hard but you can't just eat like many people think you have to relearn how to and how to enjoye it think that it is not only about the food but all the emotions attached to it
hope that helps
ashley-kate

 

[Peanut]

Ryann,

I read your post a couple of days ago and I really felt for you but didn't know quite what to say (I figured that Eunoia and Ashley would know better than me).? First I want to tell you that I very much empathize with the way your feeling.? I came up with one possible idea that might help you cope.? This is probably way over simplified, but I thought that taking a small step toward being healthier might help.? Maybe starting with something small, like taking a daily multivitamin (or anything else you could think of and were willing to do), could get the ball rolling in the right direction.? I find that sometimes when I do something healthy, other healthy choices become more appealing.? Maybe you would eventually look back on that first small step as a turning point for your recovery.

Good luck, I hope that you will feel better soon.

 

[Ryann]

I just wanted to thank you guys, I have stocked up on fruits and Im trying really hard to keep everything under control. I think I will buy some vitamins as well... thank you all for the support I will keep yall updated! And yes... I can say yall cause i live in the south heheh Anyway, Im going to be switching therapists, to one who is more experianced. My moms going to help me... and its mainly my friends who are making me eat... but Im going to have a talk with them and see what I can do with that... Thank you all for the advice, trust me it will all go to use!

 

[Peanut]

I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you! It sounds like you are putting in a lot of effort to get well and you should be really proud of yourself! And it sounds like the therapist switch is a good idea. I was thinking about suggesting that but I know it's not that simple or easy...but it is important so I'm glad you are going to do it. It sounds like you have a lot of people around you that care about you a lot and are looking out for you. We are pulling for you too! Keep up the good work!

 

[Thelostchild]

I do say that is great effort your making with trying to eat. eating well is the best thing you can do for your body. and vitamines will help